13. Michael
Iwalked out of the operating room following a disagreement with Dr. Levitz on his suture technique. I’d been a bit vocal in the past over this very issue, but he had yet to take me seriously. It was the one point of contention I had with him in any surgery, and he was nearing the completion of his residency, which meant if he didn’t correct things now, his bad habits would carry over into his career.
I scrubbed my hands, thankful for the few seconds alone in the scrub room. The tension I’d been carrying for a few days now which had made me irritable wasn’t about Dr. Levitz, though. It was due to the interview I set up with Deborah from London. After receiving her email with the information, I decided to at least talk to her and the hospital administration. That interview was this afternoon, and I felt antsy about it, not only because of it being a secret from everyone in my life, but also because the job turned out to be the head of their cardiac surgery department. It was literally a dream job.
But my few moments of peace to think about anything other than what should have been only mild irritation from Dr. Levitz ended when Sarah walked into the room. After my outburst in the OR, I figured she gave me space to calm down a little. She stood beside me and peeled off her gloves but said nothing. Just her presence was calming to my body and emotions. I’d grown so attached to her already. I didn’t want that to end.
“Sorry I let my temper out in there.” I didn’t want to hash out the whole situation, which I felt justified about, but I did feel like I owed her an apology or an explanation at the very least.
“It happens,” she said, smiling. She pulled her mask down, and I could see by the crinkles around her eyes that it was a genuine smile.
The idea that she saw me as some bitter fool needled at my conscience and only further instigated the shame I felt warming my cheeks. I focused on the windows ahead of me and the team finishing up the surgery under Dr. Levitz’s guidance. If I left this place, it would be in good hands with him, which was a small comfort, but how to tell hospital administration and Sarah, for that matter, escaped me. I didn’t want to leave her here. If I went, I’d want her to go with me.
My mind lingered on the interview as I watched Levitz walk toward the door. If it was a successful interview, they’d ask me to travel to London for a second interview and tour of the hospital, and going by what Deborah said on our brief call, it felt like a sure thing. Which meant someone else would be in charge of watching Levitz and the other residents while I was gone. I didn’t mind that. I got too frustrated by them too quickly.
“Things went fine in there, Dr. Lawson. You really should just?—”
“If I wanted your advice on how to improve my skills, I’d ask for it,” I snapped, cutting Levitz’s comment off. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle anything else that irritated me. I just wanted to think in peace.
“Oh, I forgot. You’re God’s gift to surgery.” Dr. Levitz tore his gloves off and ripped the gown he wore down the center, then wadded it all up and shoved it in the trash before storming out, and I was left speechless at his outburst. My shoulders tensed, and I felt myself growing irrationally angry.
“Hey,” Sarah said, resting her hand on my forearm as I reached for a towel to dry my hands. “Deep breath, bud. Don’t let him get to you. You’re an incredible doctor. He’ll learn.”
My eyes caught her gaze, and though I wanted to blow up, storm out the door after him, and tell him off, I took a deep breath and realized it wasn’t worth it. His future depended on my signing off on his capabilities, and if he acted up, I’d have reason to write him up. But she was right. As my intern, he’d learn, and he was still young and na?ve. He had a lot of growing up to do on top of his formal training.
“Yeah,” I grunted, realizing that once again, she’d been the one to calm me down, though I was anything but calm.
I had half a mind to pull her in for a hug and bury my face in her neck, smell her hair, but another nurse walked in to do her scrub out routine. This sneaking around had to stop. Sarah and I had to decide whether we were going to be an item, and if so, we had to tell HR about it. It would still be off-limits to show displays of our personal affection—like a hug—but we could at least talk openly without feeling paranoid that we were going to be turned in.
“I have to go,” I grumbled, knowing if I didn’t walk away, I wasn’t just going to be fighting my anxious energy about the interview or my frustration over Dr. Levitz. I’d be fighting my urge to be with Sarah more intimately, to kiss her and confess my secret—which against my better judgment was stirring my heart to hope and excitement.
“Hey, Michael,” Sarah called as I walked past her holding the towel in my hand, “try to smile. They say smiling on purpose can change your mental state.” There was a sparkle in her eye, one that told me she genuinely hoped I felt better.
I pushed through the door and threw the towel in the first linen receptacle I could find, then headed toward my office. I had no more surgeries for today. My rounds were done, and all I had to do was finish paperwork and wait for my interview.
When I sat down, ready to focus on finishing my transcripts, I still found myself distracted, unable to concentrate. My eyes pored over the computer screen, but my mind wasn’t paying much attention. I was thinking of how to explain to Sarah that I’d been offered a job thousands of miles away, across an ocean. I couldn’t just ask her to go with me, since we’d barely gotten to know each other, but my heart felt like there was no way I could pack up and move there without her.
More than one time now, she’d seen me at my worst. In the restaurant where I’d made rude comments and in the operating room when I’d handled things with less tact than was needed. Both times, times I’d considered to be me at my “worst”, Sarah had been there to anchor me and calm me down. She showed not only compassion for my humanity and weaknesses, but a desire to help me sort things out. No other person had ever done that for me my entire life other than my mother.
I had to break some of this tension or I was going to go insane. So, I pulled my cell phone out and dialed Mom’s number, already knowing how she’d react—to all of my news. The instant she answered, I felt relief flowing through my veins.
“Michael, oh, goodness. It’s so good to hear from you.” She sounded chipper as normal, which calmed me further.
“Mom, how are you doing?” We hadn’t spoken in a few weeks, but I made it a point to call her at least once a month. She lived hundreds of miles away in Northern Florida, but we still managed to find time to get together for holidays and her birthday.
“Oh, you know. I’m doing alright. I’ve been preparing my garden for winter, but other than that, not much. What’s new with you?”
I sat back in my seat and unpacked my news. “Well, first of all, I met someone. Well, not really ‘met’ someone, but I ran into an old flame and we’ve hit it off.” I waited for her to squeal before continuing. I had to get this off my chest before I burst. “And I got offered a promotion.”
“Oh, Michael. That’s so amazing! I’m so happy for you. What is the job? And do I get to meet this lovely woman soon?” Leave it to Mom to up my tension. I rolled my eyes but said nothing about how not-ready I was for her to meet Sarah. But I found a new appreciation for how Sarah felt about my meeting her family.
“The job would be a department head, but it’s a big move…” I paused for a second and then bit the bullet and told her. “It’s in London.” I closed my eyes as I waited for her response, because I knew what it would mean for her—growing into retirement without her only son around to help care for her. Family holidays would be limited, and our calls would be fewer and less frequent.
“Dear, that’s a long way.” The wind left her sails in a cool breeze that chilled my passion, and I sighed.
“If I take the job, I’d like you to come with me…” The words came out without thinking, but even after I said them, I knew they were true. I’d want her along. She needed me close, and it would be the only way.
“Oh, gosh. I’m not sure about that, but I’ll think about it. It’s a great opportunity for you, Michael. Don’t let your worry about me hang you up. But this woman… that’s what I want to hear more about. Is she pretty? Does she work with you? How serious is it?”
I spent the better part of the next hour telling her the details I knew about Sarah, and Mom was thrilled to know if we got together, it would come with a built-in grandbaby, which she’d been pressuring me for years to give her. When I finally satisfied her curiosity, she had to go back to her gardening and I hung up. I had successfully killed enough time in my day that my interview was only a few minutes away, and my anxiety was almost gone.
The call connected, revealing three well-dressed women and one older man. They welcomed me, and we chatted first and foremost about their open position and the hospital from where they called. The more I chatted with them, the more I liked everything about the possibility of working in London. I found it started to scratch the itch I’d had brewing in my life for years. I wanted to see the world…
Except, now I wanted to see the world with Sarah by my side. That desire almost prompted me to ask them about a position for her, but I held back. Without speaking to her first, I’d be talking out of turn. There were so many balls in the air, I didn’t even know what would happen next, but I knew what I wanted to happen.
I wanted to tell Sarah about the job and ask her to go with me. I wanted her to say yes, and I wanted to have a life with her. And most of all, I wanted her to want it too.