22. Sarah
Emily kicked her feet hard, connecting with the bottom side of the dining room table, and Dad scowled at her again. He’d had a difficult day at work, and with Mom’s head cold and Nev cramming for finals, everyone was in a testy mood—myself included.
“No, no, baby. Don’t do that, okay?” I placed my hand across her legs beneath the table and calmed her swinging appendages. She chewed her food and gave me a large, close-mouthed grin, which I knew was only a hint of the mischief of which she was capable. I’d seen her be quite naughty at times, and I just wasn’t in the mood, though I stayed as calm as I could.
After the long trip to visit with Michael’s mother and having to keep my own thoughts and emotions in check for so long over the weekend, I felt frazzled and worn out. I even took a few days off work, claiming I was sick when in reality, I was just needing a few mental health days. Tammy covered for me too, which meant sometime next week, I’d be pulling the doubles and she’d be enjoying afternoon naps.
Nev looked up at me and then back down at her plate, shoveling her food into her mouth as quickly as she could. I knew she just wanted to get back to her studies and not deal with Dad’s bad mood. Mom would be no help in calming him tonight, either. Her nose was bright red and she’d been sneezing every few minutes. I was surprised she even sat at the table with us.
I tried to have a bite, but I just wasn’t hungry. Hearing Michael’s “good news”, as his mother had put it, wasn’t quite as euphoria-inducing as it might have been. In fact, I’d had the opposite reaction, and now, I felt mildly depressed even though I had a great life with Emily. Before Michael came back into my life, things were good. Yes, I was a bit lonely and I did long to have a partner to share life with, but I was happy. Now, I felt like I was on a perpetual yo-yo I couldn’t get off, and even though I could just walk away and feel better, I found myself not wanting to.
I was upset with him for keeping his secret, but I loved him. I couldn’t stay mad at him. I tried. I wanted to because it might protect my tender heart, but I couldn’t.
“Mommy!” Emily shouted, then covered her mouth and giggled. I saw the scowl on my father’s face from the corner of my eye and watched my mom cringe as the shout hurt her already aching head.
“Baby, you have to talk quietly. We’re inside. You don’t need to shout.” I helped her sit up straighter and repositioned her plate in front of her so she could reach it, and she pushed it away.
“When I sweep over wif Nana and Pop? I want sweepover.” Her chubby fingers protested my putting the plate in front of her again, and she pouted.
“Emily, please leave your plate alone. You need to eat.” My frustration was mounting, and I found myself with a sour expression, which Nev picked up on instantly. Dad did too, and he didn’t even hesitate to start in with his lecture about Michael again.
“Did you do what I told you to do? Did you end things with that man? Because I think your mother and I can’t continue to support you and give you ‘sleepovers’. You’ll have to find your own place.”
My shoulders tensed, and I glanced at Mom, who had an apologetic expression on her face. I knew Dad was just trying to throw his weight around and that he would never make me move out, but not having a sitter would put a massive kink in any plans I made with Michael. If we made plans again. I wasn’t going to break up with him, but I wasn’t exactly happy with the way he was handling things.
And even though my mind warred with the propriety of his secret keeping and mine juxtaposed together, I still felt like he should have told me. I deserved to know if my heart was on the line, and it was.
“No, Dad. I haven’t done that. I don’t think I’m going to do that. You don’t understand?—”
“I understand enough, alright,” he snapped, and I froze. I eyed Nev, whose shoulders dropped. She pushed her chair back from the table and walked around to my side, scooping Emily up and crating her upstairs. If I had to have it out with my Dad, I didn’t want my baby here to overhear it.
I waited until they were upstairs before I responded to him in a controlled tone. “Dad, I think I’m old enough to make my own decisions, and sometimes, I’m going to disagree with what you think is best.”
I squirmed in my seat uneasily, repositioning my fork and spoon on the table at least a dozen times as Dad ranted about how awful of a person Michael was for not taking care of his daughter for the first four years of her life and how he should have been here. It only heaped guilt onto my shoulders, which he didn’t know was happening, because I was the one who kept Michael from Emily. Now, after more than eight weeks of dating him, he still didn’t know. I”d still kept her a secret.
“Dad!” I shouted, wanting it to end. I didn’t like raising my voice, but he wouldn’t stop going off about the man I loved, the one I, too, was upset with.
He stood and huffed and leaned over the table, placing a hand on either side of his plate. “Sarah, I’ve tried to understand what you could see in him after he ignored you like that for five years, but I just can’t. I would never have deserted you and your sister like that.”
Mom’s head hung in shame. She’d expressed her own concern to me privately, in a civil manner with a calm voice. But she understood how this could actually be good for Emily if it worked out right. And it could be good for me too—at least, at the time I spoke to her, it would have. Now, I wasn’t even sure myself. If Michael left the country and moved to London, what would Dad think? It would only prove him right and me wrong.
“I don’t really want to talk about this. It’s my choice.” Instead of the seething rage I normally felt, I started to feel discouragement. When I mentioned moving, out he told me no, and now he threatened it. Even he didn’t make sense, like my own emotions. I needed time to think things through and maybe talk about what I was thinking and feeling without the anger and criticism.
I stood up, hoping to collect Emily and head to my room out back, but the doorbell rang. Dad’s glare intensified as he pushed off the table and headed for the front door. I lingered, standing beside my untouched plate, and noticed that Emily hadn’t eaten much either. I could order a pizza for us later, but first I had to calm down.
“I’m sorry, dear…” Mom’s stuffy-nosed apology was sweet, but Dad was the one who needed to say he was sorry.
“It’s okay. I understand he’s just trying to protect me and Em. I’m going to go get her and go out to the room.”
Mom frowned as I walked past her toward the steps, but I barely got onto the first two stairs before I heard Dad shouting and rushed into the living room.
“I don’t know what you think you’re doing here. A man takes care of the people he’s responsible for. He doesn’t shirk that responsibility! How can you even show your face around here? She deserves better!”
My face burned as I ran up to the front window, and before I even pulled the sheer curtains aside, I knew who Dad was shouting at. Michael’s car was parked in the driveway, and I saw the back of his head as I leaned closer to the window.
“Oh, God… Dad! Stop…” I ran to the door, but Michael was already halfway up the walk, heading back to the driveway. I only caught a glimpse of him before Dad slammed the door shut.
I snapped. The anger I’d been holding back all came out at once in a loud scream-growl that seemed to rattle the walls. “How could you do that!” Tears didn’t even stop to well up in my eyes. They crashed out of my eyes like a sprinkler on full blast.
I opened the door, hoping to stop Michael and explain to him that my father was out of line, but he was already backing down the drive. So I shut the door and stormed off, straight to Nev’s room. I was just going to scoop Emily up and walk out with her, but Nev was reading her a book. I felt bad interrupting, so I shut the door quietly and waited.
“Mommy, come read…” Emily said, patting the bed, and I frowned and wiped my eyes.
Nev offered a look of compassion, so I climbed onto the foot of the bed and sat cross-legged as she finished the story.
I knew she loved having us around, but it was time for me to find my own place. Then my decisions would be mine and mine alone, and Mom and Dad would hear about them after the fact, when they were a done deal.
As if things couldn’t already get worse, Dad had just made my position with Michael even more difficult. He probably thought my dad was a lunatic or that I’d lost it. One of the two. And if he asked me what Dad was going off about, I would have zero answers. And there was no one who could help me. I was on my own.
I pulled out my phone and sent him a quick message of apology, asking him to call me, but he didn’t respond. I didn’t figure he would if he was driving. And when I got Emily tucked into bed tonight, the first thing I was going to do was search the classifieds for a good apartment. At this point, it wasn’t optional. I needed to get out of here.