24. Sarah
“Suction,” Dr. Levitz ordered, and I handed him the device. The surgery was almost over, but I felt upset. I was on the schedule with Michael for this one, but he had skipped out on work. Of course, he had paid time off, but he hadn’t said a thing to me.
In fact, he hadn’t texted me or called me since the other day when Dad went off on him, and I had tried to call him several times, only to get his voicemail. He had either blocked me or had his phone shut off, and I didn’t think he’d just block me considering we worked together.
“Sutures.” Dr. Levitz’s hand shot out, and I gave him what he needed, but my mind was elsewhere.
There was a rumor floating about that Michael was taking a trip this weekend, which was why he wasn’t at work. I was on autopilot during the surgery since my brain was finding a million ways to convince me that he was in London accepting that position his mother told me about. What if he signed a contract to move there and take the job without even telling me they’d offered it to him? What did that say about us?
“Are you okay?” Dr. Levitz asked as he stitched up the incision to finish the surgery. His eyes flicked up at me over his mask, though the glare off his face shield made it difficult to see whether he was being compassionate or he was annoyed with me.
“I’m okay,” I told him, forcing a smile. But the mask on my face hid the smile from him, and I was positive it didn’t reach my eyes. I was too upset that Michael wasn’t responding to me at all. Not even so much as an email.
“You look like a lost puppy,” he said, chuckling. I watched the needle push through the patient’s skin and come out the other side of the incision. The thread cinched it shut tightly, and blood bubbled up. Michael would have hated this man’s technique, but he wasn’t here to debate today. Or to be grumpy, or for me to calm him.
My heart ached, and I felt tears welling up, so I blinked them back and ducked my head. “Keisha, can you finish up?” I asked one of the other nurses, and then I backed away. I needed to clear my head, and surgery was finished for the most part. It wasn’t entirely unheard of, but it wasn’t protocol. I’d probably have to answer questions later, but I had time to think of a reasonable excuse.
I walked out of the operating room into the scrub room and tore my mask and gloves off. Tammy was there, collecting the soiled linens and dawdling a little. I got the feeling she’d been waiting for me to come out of the operating room. She smiled softly, and I avoided eye contact because I didn’t want to cry. I had no right to be upset with Michael or feel like I had any ownership over his choices.
I hadn’t told him about his daughter, which was a far greater secret to keep than the job opportunity he’d been given. Guilt still cast its dark shadow on my thoughts every time I wanted to be hurt by this entire topic. Michael was the one whose heart would be forever affected when our secrets came to light. I’d just go back to being single and alone.
“Have you heard from Dr. Lawson?” Tammy asked, and it made me jump slightly. My body was in constant freeze-fawn mode, especially after Dad’s meltdown. I’d done my fight or flight thing and then I hid. I hadn’t even spoken to my father since then, and I’d found several good options for my own apartment. I was supposed to go with Nev later today to look at a few places too, which was something that should’ve brought me a lot of joy but only made me feel sad for some reason.
“Uh, no… Rumor has it that he had an emergency trip out of town.” I scrubbed my hands and dried them, then took off my surgical gown and put it in the linen bin with the towel.
“Weird. It’s not like him to not say anything. Must have been serious…” Tammy’s eyes searched my face, and I walked past her, heading into the hallway. I knew she wasn’t going to let me walk away easily when she followed on my heels like a yapping dog. “Why didn’t he tell you? You two are pretty close…” Her words trailed off, and I stopped and turned around. Had he told her we were dating? But he was the one who wanted to keep this all hush-hush.
I wanted to deny it and respect Michael’s wishes, but my heart was about to burst with emotion and pain. Besides, the expression on her face told me she knew something, anyway. How much was a mystery, but without anyone else to talk to about this situation, I was a ticking time bomb. Better to let a little steam off the top than to explode in a bad way later.
“Swear you won’t tell anyone?”
Tammy nodded eagerly and glanced around. My eyes scanned the hallway too, making sure no one was close enough to hear my bold confession, and then I said, “I’m totally in love with him, but I think he’s going to dump me and I’m scared.” Those tears I’d been fighting the past twenty minutes just poured out, and I couldn’t stop them, however brief their appearance.
I swiped at my eyes to dry my face quickly, and Tammy frowned gently. “Babe, you have nothing to worry about. That dude is so serious about you. I’ve never seen him date anyone, let alone a coworker…” She reached out and took my hand, and I let her hold it.
“But…” I protested, and she clicked her tongue.
“I know him. Now… just trust me. Give it a bit of time. Wherever he’s at, he’s obsessing about you and what you’re thinking. If he didn’t tell you, then he couldn’t. He’d never just jet off without saying something.” She offered a prim purse of the lips and then sighed and walked off.
I wanted to pin her down and make her talk and tell me what she knew. If Michael had confided in her about his feelings for me, why hadn’t he told me? Was this only because of the job in London? He didn’t want to admit how much he wanted me in case they gave him the job and he had to leave? Was he protecting me from that, or only himself? And even as I questioned myself, the guilt swelled again.
Who was I protecting? Him or me?
The rest of my day was a blur of emotion and little mistakes until I told Tammy I couldn’t think straight and left work early. She said she’d cover for me, and I snuck out and went home. This affected me more than it should, which I would have readily admitted. And by the time I got home, I had cried so hard my face was puffy and my eyes were red-rimmed. Mom didn’t even ask what was wrong. She just wrapped her arms around me and let me cry more, then walked me to my little nook of the property.
“Want me to bring you dinner?” She hovered by the door as I stripped out of my jacket and set Emily up in front of the TV with a good show and a sippy cup.
“I’m not hungry, but I’m sure Em will need food.” Slumping onto the couch next to my daughter, I felt the weight of the day in every cell of my body. And being back home, I also felt the frustration of the whole situation, except I blamed my father.
Michael had come to our home to see me, and then he vanished. In my mind, that meant he was going to tell me something, maybe not everything, but he tried. For that reason, I couldn’t stay angry with him, though it did upset me that he hadn”t reached out. Still, all of this happened because my father snapped at him. He probably had no clue what Dad was even talking about, too, which only made things worse.
“He didn’t mean any of that, Sarah…” Mom’s earnest expression didn’t change my mind about Dad’s behavior. Yes, he wanted to protect me, but it was time for me to move on and be my own person. Long overdue, for that matter.
“I’m really hurt and angry. Dad wants me to break it off and he may well have just ruined everything for me and Emily. Michael hasn’t spoken to me since.” I rubbed my face and looked up at her. “He’s a good man, Mom. He just doesn’t know about Emily yet.” The confession came out, and Mom’s expression dropped. Her shoulders followed.
“Your father does love you.”
“He has a very strange way of showing that,” I grumbled, and Mom shifted her balance from one foot to the other.
“Well, it sounds like you have some communicating to do with Dr. Lawson, but if he really loves you, it will work out.” She stepped backward and paused to say, “I’ll bring Emily’s dinner shortly,” before walking out the door and shutting it.
Thankfully, Emily was engrossed in her show and I didn’t have to answer any questions. Hopefully, she’d go to bed early tonight and I could just sleep and pretend none of this was happening. Because that’s what I wished. That I could go back to six months ago and start over.