26. Sarah
Emily toddled next to me holding my hand as I led her from our apartment out back through the back door and into the kitchen. Mom hurried right over and scooped her up to get her breakfast, and I noticed Dad was seated at the table drinking his coffee and reading the paper. I didn’t know why he was home this time of day, but I took it as my sign that we should talk, so I sat down next to him and waited until he looked up.
He grunted out a greeting and folded his paper shut, and I wrung my hands in my lap anxiously. After everything that happened, I knew I had to be honest with someone. I’d teetered on this precipice for weeks now, and it really should have been Michael, but the tension in this house was hurting everyone, and I was the only one who could make it right.
“Can we talk?” I asked, and he scowled as he slurped a drink of coffee out of the mug I’d given him for Christmas.
“Your mother said you’re looking for a new place.” His tone was dry. He avoided eye contact.
“I need to tell you something, Dad. And I just want you to listen to the whole thing.” I wished he would look at me, but he didn’t, so I continued. “I’m really hurt and disappointed by the way you treated Michael.” Dad tensed and his fingers curled into fists. “And I want you to know it isn’t his fault.” He looked up at me and furrowed his brow in confusion.
“What are you talking about?”
“Dad, listen…” I said, in an effort to keep him calm. “Michael never knew about Emily.” I sucked in a deep breath and tried to keep myself from shaking so badly, but it was pointless. “I never told him I was pregnant because he had this great job opportunity out of state. I figured he’d just give it up to stay here and it would ruin his career. I didn’t want that for him. We both made a bad choice not using protection that night like we should have. So, if you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at me.”
The room was silent, the air thick. I could hear Emily and Mom talking quietly in the other room, but there was no buffer here to get me out of trouble if Dad reacted poorly to my announcement. His head hung, and I watched the muscles in his jaw flex and move beneath his stubbled skin. Then he looked up at me, and I saw how upset he was.
“You never told me?” I could see the pain in his eyes and knew it was my fault. I’d cut him out of a huge detail in my life that he could have helped me with, but at the time, I didn’t want him or Mom pressuring me to do the “right thing”. I was doing what I thought was right, not necessarily what they would think was right.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” I touched his hand, and he pursed his lips. “Michael is actually a really amazing man. He’s funny and smart and successful. And I know he’ll be a great dad too, when I tell him…” I winced at the expression of anger on his face.
“You haven’t told him either?” Dad scoffed and rubbed a hand across his face then said, “I apologize for acting out of control the other day. You know I just want what’s best for you girls.”
“I know, Dad, and don’t worry. I already feel guilty enough for not telling him.” I picked at my fingernails and shrugged a shoulder. “I was hoping things would go well between us and he’d fall in love with Emily too, and then I could tell him.”
Dad patted my knee under the table and said, “This is going to backfire on you, you know?”
My phone buzzed, and I ignored it, but I knew I had to go anyway. I had to get to work. Michael was expected back today, and while I was on a roll of confessing, I wanted to keep that ball bouncing.
“I know,” I told him, standing up. “I gotta get to work. I love you, Dad.”
“Let’s make a deal. No more secrets and no more threats.” He grabbed my hand, and I looked into his eyes as I bent to peck him on the cheek.
“Deal.” I kissed Emily goodbye before I left and drove to work in silence. I didn’t even want to face Michael this morning, so I hoped he’d be late. When I finally checked my phone, it was a message from him saying just that. He’d be at work in the afternoon after a nap at home. It gave me time to think about how I’d tell him and what I’d say too.
With only two hours left in my shift, I still hadn’t seen Michael. I knew he had a surgery, which I’d traded with another nurse to avoid. I’d long since gotten over my anger with him about not telling me he was jetting off to London. I still had no proof that’s where he really was, but my gut told me it was. And I knew his lack of supplying me with information was nothing compared to my purposeful secret keeping.
I was headed toward a patient’s room with my blood pressure cuff in hand when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side. It took me by surprise so much that I gasped loudly and stumbled a few steps. Strong arms caught me, and I heard a door click as I was plunged into darkness and then the lights flipped on. Michael leaned against the door with a grin on his face.
“I missed the hell out of you,” he said, moving toward me with such energy I couldn’t resist him. He wrapped his arms around me and planted a kiss on my lips that took my breath away.
“Oh, my God, Mike…” I yelped and pushed him away, looking at the door, but he was relentless.
“Sarah, I have so much to tell you.” His lips were eager and greedy, parting mine so his tongue could plunge into my mouth. I relented and rested my hands on his biceps, kissing him back.
My cheeks flushed and burned, and my body melted against his at the spontaneity of the moment, but I still felt guilty. I knew I had to tell him about Emily, so I prepared a full-blown speech which I’d mostly memorized last night.
When he finally pulled away, I dived into my rehearsed announcement so he didn’t have a chance to stop me. “Michael, there is something we need to talk about. I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, but?—”
“Shh,” he said, holding a finger to my lips. “Save it.” He kissed me again, this time gripping my hips as he ground his pelvis against mine. I could feel his arousal, though this was neither the time nor the place. “I want you to come to dinner at my house tonight. We can talk all you want then. Tell me you will…”
My heart shriveled a little, and I rested my forehead on his shoulder. I needed the agony of this torture to be over now, but the broom closet at work wasn’t exactly the place I wanted to reveal my shameful behavior. At his house, just the two of us, would be better.
“Alright,” I mumbled, and he gripped my head in his hands and turned my face up to meet his so he could kiss me again. He was so happy, and I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even resist him again. Until the door swung open and Wade stood there snickering.
“I knew it, y’all.” He chuckled, and Michael pulled away, glowering at the man.
“Oh, God,” I grunted, covering my face.
“Christ,” Michael hissed, and I watched his shoulders square and tense.
“Don’t worry, guys. Tammy practically told the whole floor about you two. I just didn’t expect to see it at work. That’s all.” Wade chuckled louder, and I grinned and grabbed Michael’s hand, but he only got more upset.
“Don’t say a word to anyone. We haven’t been to HR yet.” Michael’s tone was heavy and harsh, a polar opposite to what he just was, and I felt like he was being a bit too hard on Wade. But he turned to me and said, “Seven o’clock,” then squeezed my hand and barged out.
Wade stood there watching him walk away and muttered, “I just don’t see what you see in him, woman.”
I snickered and patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry. He’s all bark and no bite. Unless you count nibbling.” I winked at Wade and walked away, but now the pressure was on.
If our coworkers knew about us, that meant it was time to declare what we were. And before Michael made the step to tell HR that we were dating, I had to tell him about Emily. And I still wanted to hear it from his mouth that he’d been entertaining the idea of a job in London, because if that was the case, we had some hard conversations ahead. And I could officially let my heart start breaking.
Until then, I just had to believe that everything happened for a reason and it would all work out.