CHAPTER 21
ROXY
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
The last note of the song faded away when Kelly and Billy, the hosts of the weekend morning show on Triple J, resumed speaking through her car's speakers.
"Well, Kelly, there are rumours that the young Monroe is difficult to work with and at least three producers who regularly work with her label refused to work with Monroe."
"So, let's hope these rumours are pure speculation, because she has everything it takes to make it internationally. Alright, back to the music with SNARL. Here is ‘Destruction.'"
The song’s aggressive drumbeats snapped Roxy out of her trance.
She'd been sitting in her car for the past five minutes in the gym parking lot.
Karma was toying with Roxy, who kept seeing reminders of her prior night's revelations.
First, a song by a young queer sensation she liked, and now one by the twin sister of the woman she had fallen in love with.
Was love the right word in these circumstances? She had only known Ellen for a few weeks. How come she achieved that level with her she never did with Charles in eight years? Deep down, yes, Roxy knew that "love" was the right word for what she was feeling about Ellen Caldwell.
After a long, sleepless night, Roxy thought that a brutal workout at the gym was her only option to get her thoughts in order. She got up early to go to the gym, as she often did. But this morning, her goal was to avoid Charles.
Roxy made it to her regular F45 gym precisely when the day's first class began. She joined the others on the turf, poised for the demonstration of the scheduled exercises. "Alright, everyone pay attention," the coach yelled. "Today is going to be a fun one."
"Oh great," one of the participants replied. "Basically, we're all going to die."
"Yep." The coach grinned. He started with the demonstration, then moved on to the warm-up. "Okay, mates, two per station, we're kicking off in a moment."
Roxy grumbled. She didn't want to make small talk.
A woman, whose beauty struck Roxy immediately, approached her with a warm smile. Dressed in mid-calf leggings and a F45-branded tank top, she also wore a headband to keep her hair in place. The perfect match between her brown hair and her brown eyes was striking.
Roxy stared at her for a moment too long but quickly looked away. She was supposed to be there to suffer, not to fantasize about strangers. But it was no use. Her thoughts slipped, and her eyes kept finding them—the other women. Fuck.
"Hey, Roxy, right?" said the woman. "Want to team up?"
Seeing her beaming face, how could she possibly say no? Her heart was pounding, like a drumbeat in a war zone. "Uh… yeah. Sure."
The girl was standing in front of Roxy at the station. Error. She watched her, even as she fought against the inevitable. Honestly, could there be a kettlebell swing that's even sexier to see? Mm. Ellen might make it happen.
Shit. Hadn't she learned anything from the bridge incident? Don't stay behind. Period.
Even with all these beautiful women around her at the gym, there wasn't a single woman who could make Roxy forget Ellen. Quite the opposite, in fact. She was in every breath Roxy took.
It was recognition, and nothing else, that she was experiencing at that moment. An unshakeable part of Roxy she had suppressed for years.
Damn, how could she not have noticed this before?
Why didn't she listen to Meredith and her (not so after all) crazy theory about her?
If only she could reach her and tell her everything she lived in the last eight years.
As the sets progressed, it became increasingly difficult for Roxy to focus on anything other than the woman and her beauty. The pressure became increasingly unbearable for Roxy after the fifth or sixth repetition. Her whole body was burning with desire.
The last repetition of the last set finally ended, and Roxy hurried out of the gym, unable to bear it any longer. Roxy was halfway to her car when she heard a voice calling her name. "Hey Roxy! Wait a second." Roxy closed her eyes. Now wasn't a good time.
Roxy turned around, anticipating what was about to happen in the next few minutes. The girl was there, her hair tousled by the breeze outside, a bottle in one hand and the other slipped into her coat pocket.
"Hi," she said, out of breath from the workout, but also from the unwanted race she had just had against Roxy. "I just wanted to tell you that it's been great having you as my gym buddy. You push me to go further. You're a beast."
The girl seemed perfectly in control of herself, while Roxy felt like her nerves, which were on edge, were about to snap at any moment.
"Oh, well… thanks," Roxy answered, trying to be neutral, though her voice came out roughly. "An old habit of the military."
She looked at Roxy slowly and deliberately.
She wasn't pushing but hoping for something.
"Oh, a former soldier. That explains it.
" Her smile curved. Roxy saw it coming before she said it.
"Hey, I've been meaning to ask you this for ages, but I was wondering.
.. if you'd ever want to get coffee sometime. Or maybe something stronger?"
"Like… a date?" Roxy automatically asked.
"Like a date, yeah."
She acted like it was nothing. But at that moment, it was everything to Roxy. She swallowed hard, her throat tight with a jumble of mixed feelings.
"I… don't think that's a good idea."
She raised an eyebrow, amused. "I see. I hit the straight girl again."
"Well, I'm not the straight girl, you know."
And just like that, Roxy had said it aloud for the first time to a stranger who immediately saw it. She wanted to feel relieved.
So why wasn't she?
Possibly because this truth would make everything more difficult and lead to such dire fallouts. Roxy felt she had opened Pandora's box and was trapped, unable to escape the chaos she had unleashed. She had to learn to live, taking the actions needed to survive.
"I see. So, you are seeing someone?"
Roxy shook her head. "It's complicated. Everything is brand new to me."
She studied Roxy a beat longer, then nodded, still smiling. "Alright. If it ever gets less complicated," she said with a wink, "you know where to find me. Bye, Roxy." Then she turned and walked away.
Roxy stood rooted to the spot, her heart broken and her stomach in knots as she watched her walk back to the gym. That was it. She couldn't go on like this. She had to talk to Carl. Now.
Roxy freaked out thinking about how messed up she'd get if she had to keep pretending in front of Ellen for a long, long time, considering how much a small thing could already affect her.
***
Roxy drove without thinking, and before she could realize it, she was in the underground parking at One Macquarie Street.
She didn't know how she was feeling. Was it self-control or pure cold panic?
She had to do the right thing: confront him and confess the biggest mistake she made that could end her career on the spot.
Carl looked up from his screen when he saw her in the doorframe of his office. "Powell? You know this kind of surprise visit scares me."
She stood way too straight. "I need to talk to you."
He paused and closed the file on his desk. "I see. We have a problem."
"Yes." Roxy didn't sit or blink. Instead, she took a big deep breath and kept her eyes forward. "Someone messed with 'Prodigy.'"
He tensed up, his face going hard. "By whom?" Roxy held his gaze for what felt like minutes. Carl looked up at her as his jaw tightened.
He knew.
Maybe not the details, but he knew this wasn't to be good. Before she could speak, he snapped. "Don't say a damn word." Without a word, he stood and headed toward the back corridor. "Secure room. Now."
The soundproof door clicked shut behind them, sealing out the noise and leaving them in artificial quiet in the small room. Roxy could still feel the dampness from her gym session under her shirt.
They didn't bother to sit. Carl turned to Roxy, his arms crossed, and said, "Now talk."
She remained still, without a flinch.
You can say it, Roxy. You've already said it once.
"I messed up, Carl. I am in love with her." There. She said it and couldn't take it back now.
"Ellen Caldwell?"
"Yes."
Carl pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.
When he opened them, he looked ten years older, a flicker of recalculation behind his gaze.
He started pacing, taking three steps forward and then three steps back.
However, the room was too small for proper pacing.
"Roxy, are you sure? You understand what you're saying? " he asked, voice low and sharp.
Roxy nodded, unable to speak.
"No, no, no. Roxy, come on. She's your target. Not a fucking crush."
"It's not a crush," Roxy said with a cracking voice. "I fell. That's it. I can't get her out of my head, not even when I try. I really try, even when I'm destroying myself in training."
He turned away and walked a few steps as if he needed distance to process. Then he came back to reality, eyes hard. "For fuck's sake, Roxy… You're supposed to be better than this. You are better than this. We trust you because you don't mess up like a bloody amateur."
"I thought I could handle it."
The worst part was she truly did. After staring at her for a long time, Carl finally said, "You know this could mean the end of everything you've worked for, right?"
"I know."
"Have you…" Carl stopped and ran his hand through his hair. "Please tell me you haven't slept with her."
Heat flooded her face. "No. I am still in a relationship with Charles. I will never do that. But… I am gay, Carl. I can't deny it anymore."
Carl slumped against the wall. For a moment, he just looked human.
"You know what happens next, right? I'll have to report you.
The Service will want a full investigation to see if it wasn't you who was compromised instead.
They'll pull you from active duty pending the investigation.
Your security clearance will be revoked. "
"I know." Her voice was smaller than she wanted it to be.
"And Ellen Caldwell. What do you think it will happen to her when you disappear?
You think she won't ask questions?" What kept Roxy awake all night wasn't her career or her mission.
It was the thought that Ellen might wonder why she had disappeared and perhaps blame herself for it.
Carl glanced at his watch. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter and more deliberate.
"How deep are you, Roxy? Scale of one to ten. "
She wanted to lie and say it was okay, but she was already giving herself away. "Eleven?"
He lowered his voice. "Right. Let's be clear, Roxy. This conversation never happened, got it? I know fuck all."
"Carl—"
"Let me finish." His voice was sharp again. Commanding. "I'm going to make some calls. See if we can extract you quietly without a mark. But you—" he tapped his temple once, "—you kill this and salt the earth." He stepped back again but gave her one last look before adding, "And fast."
"How long do I have?" Roxy asked.
"Forty-eight hours. Maybe less." Carl paused in the doorway. "Don't make me regret trying to save your ass."
He just turned and walked off, leaving her. She knew she had to disappear from her life before it was too late, if it wasn't already.