Chapter 9
NINE
Madoc slumped back against his front door. He felt fucking awful. Heartsore and so tired he wanted to sleep for a week. A luxury he didn’t have when his girl needed him to make sure she was cared for and safe. Felt loved. Things Madoc wanted Valerie to have every day.
He wasn’t sure how he was going to manage everything on his own now that Noelene … Madoc sighed. A jumble of feelings hit him every time he thought of his ex. Disappointment so bitter it curdled his stomach. Genuine worry for her well-being. Dread knowing he was going to have to tell people why she wasn’t around.
“Gus? Does it ever come off?”
Madoc glanced toward Valerie’s room. Seemed she’d dropped the ‘Mister’ and was just calling Gus by his name.
“Not often,” Gus replied. “If it does, that means it’s time for me to see my doctor and probably get a new socket. My leg should stay on until I’m ready to take it off.”
Oh, boy.
Madoc made a beeline for Valerie’s door. Earlier in the week, he’d talked to her about Gus’s prosthesis and explained the basics about how he’d come to need it, but it seemed Valerie had saved some questions for the next time she saw Gus in person.
“How come you take it off?” she asked now.
“Well, I have to for showers and also for sleep,” Gus said. “But sometimes I take off my leg because I feel like it.”
“Ah.”
Poking his head in past Valerie’s door, Madoc took in the scene. He’d already known Gus would take good care of Valerie. But finding them seated on the purple throw rug by the bed, Valerie swiping a marker over one of Gus’s drawings while Gus braided her hair was unexpected and adorable.
Gus had his back against the bed with Valerie stationed in front of him, the drawing pad on her knees. She wore pajama pants and an old hockey jersey, and Madoc had to smile at Gus’s Pride bracelet around her left ankle.
His partner, in the meantime, looked slightly rumpled in his white undershirt, his hair a bit messy. Gus’d changed out of the brown cargos he wore on duty, and the prosthesis left visible by his long shorts drew Madoc’s gaze.
He’d glimpsed Gus’s ankle beneath the hem of his pants many times, but never seen the whole limb before now, and he knew it was fashioned from carbon fiber and fiberglass with a mix of metals including titanium. The black silicone socket that went over Gus’s shorter right leg had been molded to match his muscled left calf, giving the whole prosthesis a sleek, powerful appearance. Even so, Madoc was more struck by Gus’s expression, which was intent on his work while also at ease.
“Gus?” Valerie exchanged one marker for another. “Does it hurt when you wear your pos-thee-sis?”
“If everything fits me properly then no, it shouldn’t hurt,” Gus replied. “But if I get a wrinkle in even one of my socks or the liner, I have to fix it right away because that sh- stuff feels really bad.”
Valerie snickered. “You almost said a potty word, huh? I won’t tell Daddy, ’cause I don’t want him to get mad at you.”
“I won’t be mad, honey,” Madoc threw out, waving when two sets of brown eyes swung his way. “Gus is a grown-up and can say potty words if he wants.”
They ate a one-pot pasta with red sauce for dinner with ‘pizza bites’, little twists of cheesy bread that Valerie and Gus had made up. And while Madoc didn’t have much of an appetite, chatting with Valerie and Gus helped ease some of the anxiety twisting his insides. He still caught Gus watching him over the course of the meal and post-dinner cleanup, questions clear in his gaze.
“Will you tell me what’s going on?” Gus asked once Valerie was in her room for some pre-sleep screen time with her door closed. “And don’t say it’s nothing, because I can tell you’re stressed.”
“I definitely am,” Madoc muttered, then headed for the kitchen because it was the farthest point in the apartment from Valerie’s room. “Thank you for picking Val up,” he said. “I know I didn’t give you much notice.”
“No big—I was doing errands when you messaged. Did Noelene have another work emergency?”
“No. Well. Not that I know of.” Pulling the refrigerator door open, Madoc stared into it. His voice sounded flat to his own ears. And, weirdly, he felt flattened too, like the air around him was pressing him down. “I talked to her last night after shift, and everything seemed normal,” he said. “But this morning, there was a note taped to my door saying she had to go, and I guess that’s what she did.”
A ringing silence followed, stretching out and out before Gus spoke again.
“Go as in … Did Noelene take off on you?”
“Seem like it, yeah.” Madoc gave himself a quick shake. “I went to Tarek’s and a lot of her stuff is gone from the room she uses up there.”
He didn’t like thinking about the empty drawers and clothes hangers he’d found in Noelene’s room. The note she’d written in her strong, blocky script.
I have to go, Madoc. I tried, and I think you know that better than anyone. But I can’t breathe when I’m here and I don’t want to live like this anymore.
“She planned it,” he said, looking at Gus. “Probably had been for a while.”
Gus swore quietly. “You called her?
“Goes to voicemail.”
“What about her office? Could you ask her boss where she went?”
“I went there today after dropping Val off at school. Her boss looked surprised to see me, so I don’t think Noelene told the people she worked with about what she was going to do. Her boss said Noels had business trips lined up for the next several weeks which I know takes weeks of planning. But it doesn’t really matter when Noelene’s schedule isn’t my business.”
“The fuck it’s not.” Gus set his hands on his hips. “Noelene’s supposed to be here helping you with Val.”
“I know. But I have sole custody, Gus, and Val’s care is on me. And if Noels is gambling again, I don’t want her seeing Val anyway.”
Some of the outrage went out of Gus’s face. “Shit. Do you think she’s relapsed?”
“It’s possible. Noelene’s a binge gambler. Long stretches where she has some control but when she falls off the wagon, everything goes sideways fast.”
Madoc pulled the pitcher of water from the refrigerator and let the door swing closed. “It was bad in Seattle toward the end. She called in sick to work a lot. Would go days without real sleep or food and she got careless with Val. Forgot pickups and to feed her. Would bring her places she shouldn’t have. Or not bring her at all. Noelene left Val alone a few times,” he said, “always when I was supposed to be headed home so Val wouldn’t be on her own for long. But Val was just three .”
He hated the acid in his own voice. That he’d been through this before and recognized Noelene’s tells but had done nothing, despite his gut telling him she’d been acting strange.
“She’s been distracted lately and staying out late more. When she showed up at the station Monday with Val, I knew something was off with her.”
Madoc went into the cabinet for glasses, but then he set them on the counter and stood there, staring right through them. “I never thought she’d leave, though. Like actually walk out on her kid. Who the fuck does that? And how dumb am I not to have seen it coming?”
“Hey.”
A hand came to rest on Madoc’s shoulder, and when he glanced up, his heart squeezed at the concern shimmering in his partner’s eyes. “I’m so fucking angry with her, Gus.”
“You have every right to be.” Gus shook his head. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Same.” Madoc’s laugh hurt his throat and left a bitter taste in its wake. “I have no fucking clue how I’m going to explain this to Val. Like, what do I tell her?”
“You’ll figure it out,” Gus replied quietly. He pursed his lips, then stepped closer and slipped his arms around Madoc. “I’m guessing you’re not much of a hugger,” he said, “but I’m here if you need me.”
Madoc had no fucking clue what he needed just then. But God, it was so fucking good to be comforted. To not have to be strong, if only for a goddamned minute. To be held after so many months of being touch starved. Squishing his eyes shut, he wrapped his arms around Gus, his chest cracking wide open. And the storm in him shifted, anger and heartbreak becoming something Madoc didn’t know how to name.
As a teen, he and his friends had sometimes gone cliff jumping at a state park near where they’d lived. They’d been too stupid-brave to be fully cognizant of the dangers that came with leaping into cold water from heights of thirty and forty feet. But a similar feeling of standing on the edge came over Madoc now, sending his pulse into overdrive.
Gus shifted, his hold on Madoc loosening as he started letting go. Madoc knew he should do the same. He had so much shit left to do tonight and couldn’t stay wrapped around Gus like an octopus. Madoc didn’t want to be away from the warmth Gus’d wrapped him in, though. Didn’t want to let go of Gus, so he didn’t.
Hardly daring to breathe, he turned his face until his forehead was against Gus’s temple, relief pulsing through him when Gus leaned into the touch rather than pulling away. Gus’d dropped his arms to Madoc’s waist and as his eyes fluttered open, Madoc glimpsed disquiet in them he knew he had put there.
This week, Madoc had disclosed more about the shitshow that was his life to Gus than he had to anyone, even Tarek, without warning or explanation. Rather than backing off, Gus’d offered support, twice dropping his plans to kid-sit Madoc’s girl. He hadn’t judged Madoc for his choices or secrecy and instead stayed and listened.
An urge to get closer invaded Madoc’s blood. He wanted to smooth the furrow between Gus’s brows. Erase the worry from his face. Change the pout on his mouth change into a smile. With a kiss.
Something Madoc wanted to do with Gus Dawson more than anything he’d wanted in a very long time.
Slowly, he angled his head until his lips met the laugh lines beside Gus’s right eye. He kissed the top of Gus’s cheekbone. The corner of Gus’s mouth. And each tiny touch sent lust bolting through Madoc unlike anything he’d ever felt before.
Gus stayed very still the whole time, his gaze locked on Madoc’s.
“Mad,” he said at last, his voice a bare whisper. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” Madoc replied just as softly. He’d never heard his partner so tentative. And knowing he wasn’t the only one feeling unsure emboldened him. “Mostly hoping you don’t want to punch me right now.”
Gus’s eyes warmed. “I definitely don’t.”
Leaning in, he covered Madoc’s mouth with his own, movements slow and so natural. Madoc closed his eyes, his insides cartwheeling like he was in free fall as sensations both familiar and strange broke over him. Velvet soft lips and beard stubble. Muscular arms around him. A throaty, pleasured hum that went straight to Madoc’s balls.
Gus.
Who cupped Madoc’s cheek in his hand and kissed him with an intensity that had Madoc’s bones going gooey, knees trembling so hard he might actually fall.
Gus didn’t let him, though. He eased Madoc backward, then crowded closer and used his weight to pin Madoc against the counter. And fuck, Madoc was on fire. He’d been kissed plenty in his life, but none could match this one. He was getting hard for God’s sake, just from kissing.
Kissing Gus , you fucking idiot, and what the hell are you thinking?
Awareness pricked up the back of Madoc’s neck. Was he really doing this in the middle of the shambolic mess Noelene had left him in? With his supervisor from work, who was only here tonight because Madoc had begged him for help with Valerie?
Oh, Jesus, Valerie. How the hell would Madoc explain this if she came out of her room right now?
Instantly, Gus eased back, almost as if he’d heard Madoc’s inner monologue.
“Hey,” he said, his arms still around Madoc but loose now, his voice pitched low and soothing. “You good?”
Madoc nodded, unsure if the buzz in his chest was relief or rejection. A week ago, he’d never have imagined himself kissing a guy. Liking it a lot . The way Gus’d taken control, tipping Madoc backward and pulling a groan out of him had been hot as fuck and, oh my God, why was his brain doing this to him?
“I’m okay. Wait, are you?” An ugly thought pushed its way past Madoc’s mini-freakout, and he quickly looked Gus over. “I didn’t knock into your ribs, did I?”
“No. I feel only excellent right now,” Gus said with a chuckle. He dropped his arms then, but kept hold of Madoc’s right hand. “It’s been a while since a kiss made my head spin.”
Madoc’s whole face went up in flames. “Been a while since I kissed anyone,” he admitted. “But I’ve never kissed a guy before tonight.”
“Never kissed a guy before tonight.”
The words were like a bucket of ice water over Gus’s head. Kissing Madoc—fuck, just touching him—had been the single hottest thing he'd done in months. His body still buzzed with a craving for more contact, a thing Gus could not allow to happen.
He didn’t know whether Madoc was bi-curious or closeted, or simply experiencing one hell of a stress reaction to his ex going AWOL—God knew, it might be some combination of all three. Gus was very certain Madoc was not in his right mind at the moment, however, and that adding sex hormones to the mix was the very last thing he needed.
Not to mention Madoc freaking reported to Gus on the job, which was the only reason Gus needed to keep his distance.
Inhaling, he gave Madoc’s hand another quick squeeze before letting it go. “If you want to talk about it, we can. But if you need time to process, just know that’s cool too. Whatever you’re feeling right now is?—”
“I don’t know what I’m feeling, Gus, and that’s kind of the problem. One of them, anyway.” Madoc leaned back against the counter, his shoulders sagging.
“I’ve always liked women,” he said. “How they look and feel and smell, all that. But sometimes, I notice guys. It’s never the same level of interest. Like, I’ll notice it and then it’ll be gone the next second. Except … that hasn’t happened with you. I keep noticing you and the interest doesn’t go away, and I don’t know what to make of wanting to kiss you.”
“You don’t have to make anything of it,” Gus said. “You had an impulse that you acted on and maybe even liked a little.”
“I liked it a lot. Kissing you is the best thing I’ve felt in literal years, and I want to do it again.” Madoc scrubbed a hand over his forehead. “But Christ, it terrifies me to even think that. Especially with my whole life already fucked, Noelene gone, Tarek away, nobody I can call for help with Val.”
Stomach falling to his feet, Gus had to stop himself from taking Madoc’s hand again.
Focus, Dawson. This isn’t about you and your damned feelings. It’s about your partner needing your help.
“You don’t have any family who are local?” Gus asked.
“Not outside of Tarek, and he’s gone for the summer, hiking the Appalachian Trail with friends.” Madoc dropped his hand and looked at Gus again, his face lined with fatigue. “I could message, but what am I going to say? ‘Hey, T, your sister took off, so could you come home and help me with Val?’ He mostly leaves his phone off anyway which does me no good when I need someone right now.”
“You have me,” Gus said, “and I’m happy to help.”
Surprise streaked across Madoc’s face. “You’ve helped me twice this week already and I really appreciate it.”
“No, I mean …” Gus frowned. What did he mean exactly? That he could kid-sit his partner’s daughter until Madoc found someone else? Because maybe that wasn’t the greatest idea given all the boundary-stomping he and Madoc had done tonight.
Then Gus glanced across the apartment to Valerie’s door, which now boasted drawings of a familiar-looking black kitty among the paper hearts, flowers, and cartoon ponies, and his chest went tight for reasons that had nothing at all to do with his ribs.
Gus didn’t know Noelene McKenna and had no idea what kinds of complicated things went on in her head. But she’d made sure Valerie was someplace safe before fucking off, and that counted for something.
Turning to the pitcher of water Madoc had left on the counter, Gus picked it up and carried it to the fridge.
“We need something stronger than water,” he declared, exchanging the pitcher for two bottles of beer. “And since you’re stuck with the guy who needs to keep his head on straight to walk, beer will have to do.”
“I don’t feel stuck with you at all.” Madoc got the opener from the drawer and popped the caps on the bottles. “I’m glad you’re here, glad that you stayed after I almost freaked out.”
“Then let me keep helping you with your kid after tonight,” Gus said. “I know you still have to figure out what’s going on with Noelene, but in the meantime, you’ll need someone with Val while you’re on duty, right? Monday and Friday before and after school, plus all day over the weekends?”
“Yup. I’ve been looking at childcare services.”
“Like a kidcare-dot-com? Bro, you know that’s going to kill your wallet. Besides which, I’m going to be free during those hours for at least the next month, and I’ll kid-sit for free.”
Madoc shook his head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“I’m offering.”
“Gus.”
“Madoc.”
“Knock it off,” Madoc said with a scowl that made Gus smile like a goof because he really had missed bugging his partner.
“You need the help until Tarek can get back here,” Gus reasoned, “and I’m saying I want to give it you.”
“I appreciate that,” Madoc said, “and I’m genuinely blown away you’d even offer. But there’s no way I expect you to be my kid-sitter and burn up all your free time.”
“What if I told you I want to burn up some free time because I don’t know what to do with it all?” Gus asked. “I can’t exercise or work the way I normally would, and I hate having to sit on my ass knowing I’m letting you and the crews down?—”
“That’s not what you’re doing,” Madoc protested. “You need time to heal.”
Sighing, Gus sipped his beer. “I know. But I still feel shitty about everything. You having to switch shifts, me being stuck at a desk. My doc thinks I may have a hairline fracture in rib three, which means I can’t come back on regular duty until she clears me to do so.”
“Damn, I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault, remember? We just have to make it work. And I’m happy to watch your kid because if keeping busy with Val helps me feel less like I’m riding the struggle bus, then it’s a win for me too.”
Madoc frowned slightly, doubt still clear in his face. “I’m not convinced you understand what you’ll be signing up for, man. Because keeping up with Val and work is a lot.”
“You know, that started to sink in today after I hauled ass across town so I could freeze my balls off watching your kid skate around the ice rink like an absolute baller.” That got Gus a laugh and he crossed his arms over his chest with a smile.
“You’re right that I don’t fully comprehend what it takes to watch a six-year-old,” he said. “But it was good getting out of my head Monday and today doing stuff with her that wasn’t about my stupid ribs. So, if you trust me, we could give this idea a shot and maybe both get something out of it.”
Madoc fell quiet a couple of beats and Gus gave him space to think. A lot of guys in Gus’s place might go to great lengths to avoid kid-sitting duties. But Gus wasn’t most guys and he needed to keep busy to stay sane. Besides, stepping up for this tiny family felt like the right thing to do.
The door to Valerie’s room slid open and she appeared, sprinting across the apartment with her tutu bouncing.
“My show’s over, Daddy!” she said as Madoc scooped her up, and she made her face all pouty. “My favorite baker had to leave the tent.”
“Are you watching the Big Summertime Baking Show?” Gus asked, smiling when Valerie and her dad nodded in tandem. “I watch it, too! The judge with the blue eyes is my fave.”
“He looks like a wolf!” Valerie cried. “But he’s nice when people cry. I bet he’d even be okay with Daddy making cake from a box.”
“Girl, box cake is yummy,” Gus chided her playfully. “Almost as good as the kind from the supermarket with the huge frosting roses.”
“Ooh.” Valerie made an ‘o’ with her lips. “I love the vanilla kind with lots of sprinkles.”
“Yes.” Gus held up his hand and she smacked it with hers. “Cake rules.”
“Uh-huh! Do you wanna watch baking with me?” Valerie cocked her head at Gus. “We can do that the next time I see you.”
What a cutie.
“I’d like that!” Gus said. “And if your daddy says it’s okay, I said I’d help get you to school sometimes in the morning.”
Valerie beamed at Madoc. “What about after school? Is Gus gonna pick me up, too?”
Smile wry, Madoc looked between his daughter and Gus. “Well, I think Gus and I are going to work out a plan.”