Chapter 23
CHAPTER 23
A NNIE
The warm September air and shining sun as I sit around the Donley’s patio fire pit with Emily, Trina, and Shayna makes me smile sadly. It’s like the world is trying to make up for the fact that a bright light left all our lives four days ago.
Today, we laid Teddy to rest. Emily opted for private services to prevent those in her and Teddy’s families who had shunned him in life from making themselves feel better after his death by coming to “pay respects.”
The Donleys graciously opened their home following the funeral for his loved ones to gather and celebrate his life.
It has been a day of tears, but also smiles and laughter as Teddy’s friends, fellow firefighters, and chosen family, remember him. We’ve talked of his charm, his energy, and his fun-loving approach to life that blessed everyone who knew him well. Teddy’s service, though small, was beautiful.
Word got out that Teddy and Sadie had been having an affair. And speculation put that fact front and center as to why Teddy felt he had to make the choice that he did. Sadie has resigned from her position at First City ER without notice.
I’m worried about Jack as I watch him from across the Donley’s back yard. He’s spent the last three nights with me, but he’s so quiet and introspective, not willing—or maybe not able—to talk about how he’s feeling.
He stares forward, not engaging with Ben and Fitz as they sit together. It seems like they are trying to pull him in with conversation, but he’s just mostly looking off into the woods.
I refocus my attention on our circle of friends, trying to provide support to Emily.
“He left me a letter,” she says quietly, sipping her coffee.
We all remain silent, waiting to see if she’ll say anything else.
“Yesterday, Jack and I got notified that Teddy had left a letter for each of us in the motel room. They had been taken to the coroner with him, but Ben was able to get them back for us.”
She reaches down into her bag and pulls out an envelope and hands it to me.
I look up at her, questioning her with my eyes.
“I want you all to read it. You’re my closest friends. I’m gonna need you to understand where I’m coming from when I lose my shit as I cope with this.” She smiles sadly.
I nod and quietly unfold the letter.
Dear Ems,
I don’t know what to say about what I’ve done except that I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of those things I said in the texts to her. I have loved you since you came into my life, and I’ll love you as I’m leaving yours.
I messed up really badly this time. Again. I’ve spent so much of my life resenting this illness and the fact that I needed checks in place to make sure I stayed as well as possible. I stopped taking my meds about a month after we got married. I just wanted to feel “normal,” whatever that is. I convinced myself I didn’t need them. I was wrong. I know stopping them made me make impulsive choices I wouldn’t have otherwise. Once I had gone down that path, I couldn’t find my way out and started sinking into depression.
I’m not telling you that because I expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know that this was never about you, or even her. It was about my fucked-up brain and my fucked-up pride and me not wanting to take my meds and see my counselor.
I know that I’ve betrayed you twice now and there’s no coming back from that. Especially because this time you’re my wife. I can’t live with myself knowing all you’ve given up for loving me and how much this has hurt you. And I don’t want to live without you.
I’m just so tired, Em. Things feel so dark for me right now and I just can’t fight it anymore. I don’t have it in me .
Please don’t give up on love. I never deserved you but, if I can influence it at all from the other side, I’m going to spend eternity trying to send love your way.
I love you and am so sorry,
Teddy
PS - Please don’t let Jack blame himself for any of this. He’s going to think he should have known and there was no way he could have. Please make sure he knows that.
We pass the letter around, each of us reading it and being brought to tears at the obvious pain in it.
Once everyone has read it, Emily speaks again. “Teddy had bipolar disorder. A lot of what made all of us love him was probably somehow related—his energy, his charm. He was well controlled when he was taking his meds and seeing his counselor,” she says, in a very matter-of-fact tone, though tears trickle down her cheeks.
“When I was at college, Teddy went off his meds, dabbled in some drugs, and ended up cheating on me by having a one-night stand. When I found out, I broke things off, letting Jack know what had happened so Teddy had some support.” She wipes at the tears that are now rapidly streaming down her face.
“Honey, you don’t have to tell us all of this if you don’t want to,” Shayna says gently, rubbing Emily’s back.
“No, I really do. I want to, it’s just hard…” She pauses. “Jack got him help back then. Got him back on his meds and into counseling. He even got him an advocate with the fire department, so he didn’t lose his job. After a while, Teddy was doing better and asked to talk, to make amends. We met an d eventually worked toward becoming friends again, which was hard because I still loved him. When he’d been doing well for about a year, I agreed to slowly start dating him. Because with Teddy, when things were good, they were great. You know?” she asks, choking back a sob.
Shit, it’s hard to hear her grief, but I know she needs us and I want to be here for her. To know Jack walked through this with him—my heart just breaks.
I glance over his way and see him looking at us, but when his gaze catches my eye, he immediately turns back to look at the woods.
Emily goes on to tell us that Teddy was on his meds and seeing his counselor for three years straight before she agreed to marry him. She blames herself for not realizing that getting married could have triggered him because of stress—good stress—but still stress.
“I’m so fucking mad at him right now for everything. For cheating on me. For leaving me here. For not telling me he was struggling. I feel so damned bad because I told him I was divorcing him. And I wouldn’t have stayed with him. I couldn’t anymore… but I still loved him, and he fucking left me. He wasn’t just my husband, he was my friend, and he betrayed me and left me. He left us well before he died…” She heaves, full on crying now.
We gather around her and hold her as she cries.
I don’t know what to say, and I guess Shayna and Trina don’t either, since none of us are talking. All I can do is try to let her know she isn’t alone, and that she is loved.
JACK
My best friend is gone and I failed him. His phone showed I was the last person he tried to call while he was still alive. And I ignored his call because I was on the phone with Annie.
Maybe if I had answered, Teddy would still be here. Maybe if I wasn’t so wrapped up in falling for Annie and spending as much time with her as I could over the last few months, I would have noticed something was different with Teddy. Maybe I should have dug further when he seemed off. Maybe then he never would have stopped his meds. Maybe he never would have cheated on Emily. Maybe he wouldn’t have been facing a divorce. Then maybe he wouldn’t have…
“What are you thinking about, brother?” Fitz asks, interrupting my thoughts.
“Nothing,” I answer. I take a sip of my coffee with the whiskey I helped myself to from Dad’s supply when no one was watching.
Ben gives Fitz a look. I appreciate them both—I do—but they’ve never been to blame for something like this. They don’t know what this is like.
Ben turns to me. “Jack, if I know you, you’re going to find some way to make this your fault. It’s not your?—”
I stand up quickly. “I gotta go. I’m on shift tomorrow. You think one of you can let Annie know I needed to leave and give her a ride home? I don’t want to break that up…” I gesture over to where the women are all huddled around Emily, clearly crying.
They both just stare at me for a minute.
“Well, can you?” I ask, irritated.
“Sure, man. I’ll make sure she gets home okay,” Ben says.