Chapter 24
CHAPTER 24
A NNIE
It’s quiet in the car while Ben drives me home from his parents’ house. I think I’m in a little bit of shock that Jack left without me and didn’t even tell me himself until I texted him. I open my text messages and read them again.
Me: Where are you? I thought you went in the house, but it’s been a few minutes. Are you okay?
Jack: Yeah, sorry. I had to leave. Working in the morning. Figure I should sleep at home tonight. Ben said he’d drive you home.
I was a bit stunned, so I didn’t answer for a few minutes. Then I sent a simple response, trying to give him some grace since he just buried his friend.
Me: Oh, ok. Are you all right? Love you.
After a few minutes with no response, I looked down and saw an automated reply:
“Jack has notifications silenced. Notify him anyway?”
I sent nothing else after that, mostly because I don’t know what to say. He’s never turned off notifications before.
“Are you going to be okay tonight, Annie?” Ben asks, breaking the silence as he pulls up to my house.
“Sure, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to walk Bean around the block, then go to bed.”
“I’ll walk with you. It’s late,” he answers.
Gosh, what is it with these men thinking a woman can’t walk her dog alone ?
“I’m sure I’ll be fine. It’s just around the block,” I answer. I’m not really wanting the company.
“Still, if my mom found out I let you walk alone at night, she’d?—”
“Let me guess? She’d box your ears? You Donley men and your chivalry.” I give in, not having the energy to fight him on it.
When we’ve walked about a quarter of the way around the block, Ben speaks again.
“I need you to know Jack leaving without you tonight is totally out of character for him. I think he just needs a little time,” he says quietly.
“I don’t know if I did something to upset him. He’s never done anything like this. Heck, we’ve barely even had a real argument,” I say, hating the sadness I hear in my voice.
“He’s not mad at you. Jack is, by nature, nothing if not… noble… heroic. He can’t be otherwise. It’s part of his charm, but it’s also a bit of a curse for him. And he’s been like that our whole lives. When we were seven, he broke his arm trying to rescue our five-year-old neighbor’s cat from a tree,” he says. “It’s in his blood to rescue, to save, to help. That’s why none of us were surprised when he became a firefighter. The thing is, no one in his life has needed his help more than Teddy has over the last fifteen years. Jack has always felt a sense of responsibility for Teddy, and this is going to hit him very hard. He’s going to blame himself. I only hope that Teddy freed him from living with guilt by whatever he wrote in his letter to Jack,” Ben explains.
We walk in silence the rest of the way back to my house, except for a little small talk. When we arrive back home, I thank Ben for walking with us and say goodbye to him at the door.
I get ready for bed and check my phone one more time to be sure I haven’t missed a text from Jack before trying to go to sleep.
I haven’t.
JACK
I wake up with a killer headache—I assume courtesy of the whiskey I had at Dad’s and then again when I went to O’Riley’s after I left my parents’ house.
It’ll be my first day back at the station since… Teddy. The C shift captain graciously offered to clean out Teddy’s locker and store his turnout gear, so neither Trina nor I had to.
I’m not sure I could have faced that today.
It’s been two days since Ben delivered me the letter Teddy left for me in the motel room we found him in. I’ve carried it around in my pocket but still can’t bring myself to open it. I’m sure it’s going to confirm what I already know… if I had been there for Teddy like a friend should have, he would still be here.
I read Annie’s text from last night again and feel like the dick that I am. Though I saw it when she sent it, I ignored it.
She reminded me she loved me, and I left her hanging. Just like I left her hanging when I deserted her at Mom and Dad’s. She did nothing to deserve that.
I know that and, knowing her, she’d forgive me if I could just explain my headspace to her.
Despite that, I just can’t bring myself to see her today. Not when I can’t stop thinking that if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in her, I would have noticed what was going on with Teddy.
I pull into the station and when I get inside, I ask Reynolds to ride squad with Fitz today on the medical calls. I’ll stay back at the station. I justify it with my headache, but I’m avoiding Annie until I can process what I’m feeling.
Pulling out my phone, I text Annie an apology.
Me: Hey, sorry about last night. I’m ok. I won’t see you today. I have a terrible headache, so won’t be on medical calls.
Annie: Oh, okay. Hope you feel better.
Annie: Will I see you tomorrow night?
Me: Let’s play it by ear. I’m helping Emily at the house and not sure what time we’ll be done.
My headache is gone by early afternoon, but I don’t offer to relieve Reynolds on the squad.
I figure if everyone still thinks I don’t feel well, then they won’t question why I’m sitting alone in a darkened room. I don’t want to try to talk about it with any of them.
It’s easier this way.
I pull up to Emily’s and take a deep breath. Teddy’s been gone a little less than a week, but she’s asked me to help her box up some of his things.
She called me to say it’s too hard for her to look at them every day. So, she wants to put them in the attic until she feels ready to go through them more thoroughly.
Emily opens the door just as I lift my hand to knock and she wraps me in a hug.
When we pull apart, I hand her one of the coffees I brought and kiss her on the cheek.
It’s a pleasant morning, so we decide to have our coffees on the back patio before we get to work. We sit in silence for a good fifteen minutes before she says anything.
“Did you read your letter?” she asks in a near whisper.
I want to lie to her, but I can’t. “No, not yet.”
“Why, Jack? Maybe it will help with a tiny bit of the pain. Mine did.”
I say nothing for several seconds, and I can’t look at her. I failed her, too, by not watching out for Teddy better.
“I’m just not ready yet. It’ll make it feel too final,” I say. I don’t tell her I’m afraid it will confirm that I was partially to blame.
As if she can read my mind, Emily reaches for my hand and says, “It’s not your fault, you know. I know you. You’ve been taking care of Teddy since you guys were fourteen years old. I know you’re going to blame yourself. He didn’t want that. He said so in his letter…”
I stand up and walk a few feet away from her, suddenly very interested in her flower beds. I try to keep the moisture building under my eyelids from spilling over onto my face. Once I’ve gained my composure, I clear my throat and turn back toward her. “Let’s go try to tackle some of this, yeah?”
Emily smiles sadly at me. “Sure Jack. Let’s start upstairs.”
Four hours later, we’ve made as much progress as we think we can handle for today and we call it a day .
It’s still early enough that Annie won’t be home from work for a few hours and my parents have been watching Gracie for me for the last few days, so I don’t have to get home right away.
I miss Annie. I miss her like crazy. But I’m also in this weird head space where I’m afraid to see her. I’m barely keeping my guilt in check as it is. She doesn’t need to see this side of me. I decide to head home and throw an overnight bag in my car in case I can muster the courage to face her.
Two hours later, I walk into O’Riley’s. It’s only three o’clock in the afternoon, so the place is unusually quiet. I order a whiskey on the rocks and Benny O’Riley gives me a look of surprise, but says nothing.
He knows I rarely drink alcohol. He also doesn’t say anything when I ask for a second whiskey a half hour later. When I order a coffee an hour after that, he looks relieved. Until I ask for two shots of whiskey in it. Benny gives it to me but then leans forward on the counter.
“Do you want to talk about it, Jacky?” he asks.
“Nope,” I say, taking a sip. “Nothing to talk about.”