Chapter 25
CHAPTER 25
A NNIE
It’s six-thirty p.m. and I’ve been texting Jack since I got home an hour ago to see if he’s able to come over tonight. So far, he’s not answering and it doesn’t look like he’s read any of my texts.
Just when I’m thinking about jumping in the car and driving over to his house to check on him, my phone rings.
“Hello?” I answer, not recognizing the number.
“Annie, it’s Ben.”
My stomach drops. “What’s wrong? Did something happen to Jack?” I ask in a near panic.
“No, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Jack’s okay, but he’s… drunk,” Ben explains.
“Drunk? Jack?” I ask, confused. “Jack barely drinks.”
“I know. But I just got a call from the evening bartender at O’Riley’s. She says Jack’s been there drinking since around three and Benny gave her my number if he didn’t sober up.”
I don’t answer right away because it’s so unlike Jack and I don’t know what to say .
“They took his keys, but I can’t get away for another hour or so… I’m sorry to bug you with?—”
“God, no, I’m sorry. I’ll go get him. I wasn’t ignoring you, I’m just… shocked,” I say.
Fifteen minutes later, I’ve taken an Uber to the bar and I’m walking into O’Riley’s.
Jack’s at the bar, one elbow resting up on the counter and his head propped in his hand. He looks so sad.
It stops me in my tracks. I’ve never seen him like this before.
I take a few seconds to gather myself before I walk over and sit down next to him. The bartender nods at me and slides two waters in front of us.
“Hey, Jack,” I say gently.
“Annie? What you doin’ here? You’re suppos’ to be at work,” he says, slurring his words a bit.
“I got home a few hours ago. What do you say we go home and eat something, huh?” I ask him.
It takes a few minutes, but I convince Jack to come with me, and the bartender hands over his keys. Twenty-five minutes and a lot of coaxing later, I’ve got him into his truck, back to my place, up the steps, and into my house.
I get him to eat a little and text Ben to tell him I have Jack safely at my house before I help him into bed. Ben says he’ll message their parents and ask them to keep Gracie another night.
Once I get Jack tucked into the bed, it’s still early, so I decide to go back to the kitchen to clean up a bit. When I stand, Jack grabs my arm.
“Don’t leave. Stay… please,” he asks.
I lie down next to him and grab my e-reader, since it’s too early for me to fall asleep.
A few minutes later, when I think he’s already drifted off, Jack whispers, “I’m sorry I was a dick, sugar. Don’t be mad at me.”
“It’s okay, Jack. I’m not mad,” I answer. “Now get some sleep and we can talk tomorrow. I love you,” I assure him.
“Love you so much,” he answers sweetly.
JACK
Ugh. My mouth is so dry, and my head is killing me. And the sun. My god, the sun is at least twenty times brighter this morning than usual—I’m sure of it—as I try to ease my eyes open.
Nevertheless, I peel my lids open and face the day.
On the nightstand, I see a glass of water, a few over-the-counter pain relievers and a note from Annie telling me she’s on a run and will be back soon.
The scent of coffee brewing fills my nostrils, and I whisper a prayer of thanks. God, that woman is a saint. I remember little from last night, but I’m pretty sure she had to haul my sad, drunk ass home from the bar.
I throw back the pain pills and chug the glass of water before climbing out of bed and jumping in the shower. Feeling a miniscule amount more human afterward, I grab a cup of coffee, thanking my lucky stars that Annie has my sweet-cream creamer in the fridge. I decide to head out to the balcony to get a little fresh air while I have my coffee and wait for her to get back.
I know I should talk to her about what’s been going on in my head. I just don’t know how. I promised her I would try. But how do you tell the woman you love that you feel like loving her caused you to let your best friend down? How do you tell her you’re a selfish ass who chose his own happiness over protecting someone else ?
I’ve gone down the rabbit hole again, thinking about all the things I could have, and should have, done differently that might have resulted in Teddy still being here. The only thing that helps me forget is alcohol. I suspect I probably have a pretty low tolerance. I’ve never been much of a drinker, always wanting to be sober in case Teddy needed me. But I don’t have that reason to limit myself anymore, and when I just need to forget for a few minutes, a drink is the fastest way to achieve that.
I don’t know how long I’ve been lost in thought, but I’m pulled out of it when Annie sets a second cup of coffee down on the table for me and slips into the chair beside me.
“How are you feeling this morning?” she asks gently.
“I’m okay, a bit of a headache… Thanks for the water and the pain relievers,” I say, trying to give her a slight smile so she’ll hopefully look a little less worried.
“Do you want to talk about it? It’s not like you to drink like that.” she says, her voice kind and quiet.
There’s compassion in her voice and it makes me feel more ashamed of myself for shutting her out.
I sit quietly for several long minutes, trying to force my words out, but I just can’t. They won’t come.
She tries again, “Jack, you’re worrying me. I know it’s only been a week, but you’re not being yourself.”
“Has your best friend ever died? Do you think I should be all fucking sunshine and rainbows?” I snap.
She looks like I slapped her. Fuck, I don’t even know where that came from.
God, I’m a dick .
She’s looking straight ahead again, not even able to look at me.
I’m such a jerk.
She doesn’t deserve this. It’s not her fault and I’ve never talked to her like this before .
Is this the kind of man I am?
Neither of us say anything for a solid five minutes and I can’t take sitting here knowing I’ve hurt her to the point she’s afraid to say anything to me.
I stand up, feeling like I need to get out of here before I do anything else to disappoint her or myself.
She turns her gaze on me, a questioning look in her eyes.
“I need to go pick up Gracie at my parents. I appreciate you getting me last night. I think… I think I just need to be alone today so I’m gonna head out.” I say, not able to meet her eyes with mine.
I quickly turn and walk back into the house, grab my keys, then head down the steps before she can stop me, or I change my mind and stay.
ANNIE
Sitting in my office at work, I can’t seem to make my brain focus on anything but Jack.
I stare at my computer screen, reading the words on the policy I need to update but unable to process them. I’ve tried to re-read them three times now but am still struggling.
If I thought the first week after Teddy’s death was bad, it’s like the second week said, “hold my beer,” and decided to show me it could be worse.
Jack stopped staying over at my house a week ago and hasn’t invited me to his. He hasn’t been back in the ER on a medical call since Teddy died, and he’s stopped sending me text messages with excuses for why he won’t be in the ambulance on days he’s working.
In my desperation, I showed up at his house yesterday, unannounced. I can’t get the interaction out of my head.
After knocking on Jack’s front door, I stand waiting for several minutes before he answers. He looks disheveled… his hair is a mess, coffee stains cover the front of his T-shirt, and he has dark circles under his eyes.
“Annie, w-what are you doing here?” Jack clutches a handful of his hair in his fist, and I worry because it’s his tell when he’s nervous or upset.
“I just wanted to see you. Thought maybe we could go on a walk or have some coffee together.” I force a smile, hoping to put him at ease.
“Oh… um.” Still standing in the doorway, he looks over his shoulder back into the house. “How about you meet me out back on the patio? I’ll bring some coffee out.”
“Jack, I can come in and help so you don’t have to manage two cups of coffee and the door.” I move toward him, but his words stop me.
“No, my house is a mess. I don’t want you to see it like this. I’ll see you out back in a minute.” With that, he retreats into the house and shuts the door.
I stand there stunned for a minute, before heading back to the patio and sitting on the two-seater bench.
Five minutes later, Jack comes out and sets two mugs of coffee down on the table before he sits, not next to me as I’d hoped he would, but across from me. He doesn’t look at me and, for the first time since we started dating, I feel uncomfortable in his presence. Desperately needing to do something with my hands, I reach for a cup of coffee and raise it to my mouth, tilting it to take a drink.
He puts his hand out. “No, that one’s not —”
His eyes fall at the same time my face involuntarily reacts with pursed lips and a scrunched nose as the familiar taste of his sweet-cream creamer and the burn of alcohol assaults my tastebuds. Realization dawns on me.
“Jack, is there whiskey in your coffee? It’s eleven a.m.?” It comes out as a whisper.
When he doesn’t answer me, I try again. “Jack, I’m worried about you. You’re drinking, a fair amount, it seems, and you’re not talking to me. We… we barely see each other.” I hate the sadness and pleading my voice carries.
“Annie, I’m fine. I’ve just been dealing with a lot, okay? I’ve been busy.”
I watch him for several long moments, trying to decide if I should push.
“You haven’t been back in the ER since… since Teddy died,” I whisper. I don’t miss his sharp inhale at my words.
“I’m… I’m preparing to take over as captain. I’m busy during the day. I told you I wouldn’t be on squad runs once I made captain.” He’s talking to me, but his eyes never meet mine. Instead, he just focuses his gaze beyond me.
“Listen, I don’t mean to cut this short, but I have some things I have to get done today. How about I text you and we make plans to get dinner this week?” He doesn’t give me more detail than that. He stands, clearly ready for me to go.
And with that, I’ve been dismissed. Another day off we aren’t spending together.
I decide to get up and walk around the ER for a few minutes to see if I can reset my mind back to the work I need to do.
I’ve seen Fitz on squad runs and he tries to reassure me he’s keeping an eye on Jack and giving Ben updates on how he’s doing. He promises me that Jack will be okay. He’s just processing his grief. Jack and Fitz haven’t worked together long, but I’m glad they’ve become close friends over these last few months.
Each day I know Jack is at work, I hope that I’ll see him come in. So far, he hasn’t, and today’s no different. It’s a B shift, but when I’m heading back to my office and I see Fitz walking in at the front of a stretcher, it’s not Jack at the other end… once again.
A few minutes later, I’m back at my desk when there’s a knock on my office door and I look up to see Fitz and his new partner, who I don’t recognize.
“Hey, Annie, I just wanted to introduce you to our newest firefighter down at Station Three. This is Finn Bannon. Finn, this is Annie Brooks. She’s the Assistant Manager here at First City and one hell of an ER nurse,” Fitz says, introducing us.
“Good to meet you, Annie.” Finn smiles and shakes my hand.
I shake his hand back and welcome him to First City. We make small talk for a few minutes, but then their radio goes off, alerting them to another medical call and they say their goodbyes.
I look down at my watch and realize if I don’t leave in the next five minutes, I’m going to be late. I’m having dinner tonight with Shayna, but I need to head home first and pick up Beanie. We’ve decided on a local burger place near her house since they still have patio seating for these last few nice fall evenings—and they’re kid and dog friendly.
By the time Bean and I arrive forty-five minutes later, Shayna and Tommy are already here. I have no trouble finding where they’re sitting because Tommy yells out for Beanie in his excitement over seeing his four-legged friend. When Bean sees him, his tail wags excitedly.
It is lovely being out to dinner with them and a much-needed distraction. Tommy is animatedly telling me all about his first few weeks of kindergarten and his new friends. I’m pretty sure he has a crush on his teacher and it’s adorable. It’s actually refreshing to have an evening that feels somewhat normal and has a little joy in it.
Once we’re done eating, Tommy plants himself on the ground with Bean, who of course is being the best boy ever. Tommy leans against him while coloring in the small activity book that came with his kid’s meal .
“Mom, I’m gonna color a picture for Uncle Jack. That will make him happy again, right?” he asks with the innocence of a child.
“That’s a great idea, buddy. I bet Uncle Jack will love it and he can put it on his locker at work,” Shayna says without missing a beat.
As we nurse our glasses of wine and Tommy is distracted with coloring, Shayna looks up at me, and I have a feeling the light tone to our evening is going to change.
“How is Jack doing, Annie? We haven’t seen him much… It seems like he’s avoiding the family.”
I hesitate, but then decide that Shayna is my friend, and I can trust her. “I’m really worried about him, Shayna,” I say, looking down to be sure Tommy isn’t listening. “He hasn’t stayed at my house in over a week. He won’t talk to me about how he is feeling, and…”
“And what?” she asks, looking concerned.
“I’m concerned about his drinking. He’s never been a big drinker in the time that I’ve known him, but suddenly he’s drinking often and has been drunk at least once that I’m aware of. It’s not like him. He also hasn’t been back in the ER since… since the day Teddy died. I don’t know if he’s avoiding it because of the memories from that day or if he’s avoiding me. Maybe both.”
“Dang… it sounds like he may be taking it worse than Emily. Or at least not dealing with his emotions around it,” she whispers.
“How is she? Emily, I mean? I haven’t seen her since the funeral and have only been able to text with her a few times.”
“She’s hanging in there. She has moments where the enormity of what’s happened just slams into her. You know we went to high school together, right? I’ve known her a long time. When she loves, she loves with all she’s got. I think she vacillates from feeling intense grief, to anger at him for having an affair, to guilt because she feels like telling him she wanted a divorce was the impetus for what happened. I think she also really misses him. She’s seeing a counselor, though, and I think it’s helping her process all the feelings.”
We sit quietly for a few minutes and I watch Tommy playing with Bean, smiling at the joy and innocence. I get lost in thought.
“Did Jack ever tell you he lost a friend to cancer in his early twenties?” Shayna asks.
“Um, yeah, he didn’t tell me any details, though. Just that it was what got him into journaling to express his feelings,” I say. I’m not sure where she’s going with this.
She takes a sip of her wine, then looks up at me. “That friend was my fiancé, Tom,” she whispers. Shayna nods when she sees me look down at Tommy then back at her, making the connection.
“He had lymphoma and needed a stem cell transplant. So many kind and generous people in our community got tested, and we found a match.” She pauses. “It was Jack.”
When I audibly gasp, she gives me a sad smile, then continues. “Jack immediately agreed to the transplant. We proceeded, and, though it’s rare, it eventually failed and we still lost him.”
She takes a second to wipe a tear, looking down to be sure Tommy doesn’t notice.
“Shayna, you don’t have to tell me this…”
“No, I do. Really, it’s okay. I’m telling you this because, as you’ve probably realized, my brother has a bit of a hero complex. He has this internal drive that makes him need to try to save everyone. He can’t really help it. But when Tom died, Jack felt like he had personally failed him. He literally gave from his own body to try to save him, but still felt like a failure. He felt so much grief over that.”
“God, I’m so sorry,” I say quietly, reaching for her hand .
“The thing is, Annie, if he grieved Tom that hard, imagine what he must be thinking because he couldn’t save Teddy… someone he’s literally been trying to save and watching out for since before he was old enough to drive.”
By now we’re both tearful, but trying to quell it so Tommy doesn’t notice. Shayna is looking upward and blinking rapidly, and I’ve turned my head from his view and am frantically fanning my face with my hands.
“My brother loves you so much, Annie. Just try to hold on to that while he works his way through this.”