Chapter 28
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
ENFIELD
Nash and Avory are here through dinner. It’s intense thinking about every single tiny detail all in one sitting. It’s exhausting. My head spins, and I’m sure we forgot something. If I didn’t trust Nash with my damn life, I’d be anxious about the next several days.
We order dinner in and eat in silence. This silence is different from the silence this morning. I’m sure Xavi is as exhausted as I am. Even though all we did was sit at a table for several hours and hash out life details.
It feels as though I ran around the neighborhood for hours. My body even aches, which is a trip because I didn’t do anything physically strenuous.
“How do you feel about an early night tonight?” I ask.
Xavi meets my eyes and nods. “Sorry. It feels like I was boxing. I’m so tired.”
I laugh. “I was thinking the same thing, though I thought of it as running for hours.”
“I hate running. Even pretend running.”
A grin splits my face.
We clean up dinner together, shoving the leftovers in the fridge, and head upstairs.
“Your room or mine?” I ask.
“Should we share a room at some point?”
“Don’t take this personally, but I think I’m always going to need my own space.”
He nods. “I get that. But I mean… to sleep?”
I bring him to me as we stand in the middle of the hall. He’d given me a room right across from his when he told me which room was mine. “Remember how people used to live in the Victorian era? They each had their own rooms and shit?”
He nods.
“That’s what I imagine. But Xavi, we don’t ever have to spend the night apart. My room or yours, doesn’t matter to me. I think it’s important that we have separate spaces, especially right away, because I never wanted this life.”
“You still don’t, do you?”
“I want you,” I assure him, and am surprised by how true that is. “I never imagined wanting someone permanently, Xavi. I’ve been so fucking determined to get out of this life that the very idea of having a wife made me ill. And angry.”
“Can’t forget angry,” he teases.
“Definitely can’t forget angry,” I agree. “I’m not forcing this on myself, though. Interestingly enough, having a husband almost feels like a loophole in my angry brain. I still feel stupidly irate when I think about having a damn wife. I don’t feel that hostility toward you or what we’ve planned.”
“But you would still rather not have it.”
“Actually, I’m excited about everything we’ve outlined. You know what I like best?”
“What?”
“Aside from the fact that it’s you, my future husband, I also really love that not everything is outlined in that damn contract. We still have the freedom to decide details. We have the freedom to change our minds. We can grow and adjust and evolve, which I’ve always felt the contracts prevented.”
“It’s weird that it feels like we were pounding stone, trying to get water from it with all the details we discussed, and still there are things we didn’t put definite answers on, and left it open to decide later.”
“Feels impossible,” I say before a yawn overtakes me. “Your room or mine, Xavi?”
“Mine,” he says. “Hurry up.”
I kiss him and let go, turning for the room that I’m starting to call mine. I’d been so damn set on never doing that, and yet, it’s almost natural.
As I step into the room, though, I realize that it’s still only claimed as mine in my head. There’s nothing of mine visible here. Not even a charging cord. It’s not like I brought anything to make it mine, either.
The bathroom looks a little more lived in than the bedroom.
My toiletries are on the counter. I go through the process of washing and changing for bed before crossing the hall.
Xavi is still in the bathroom. I have a feeling his nightly routine is always going to be longer than mine. He keeps that baby-smooth skin somehow.
I climb into his bed and stare out the window. I can’t see a lot. It overlooks the backyard and beyond the wall to the field. The sun is still setting, announcing that we’re climbing into bed stupidly early.
Today feels a little surreal. This didn’t go how I thought it would. Hell, even the second half of the meeting didn’t. Xavi has maintained that he doesn’t want children, and in no uncertain terms, doesn’t want anything to do with children.
And yet, he brought up my kids over and over, making sure we took them into account with every aspect of our lives.
It’s far too soon to fall in love with someone.
I’m not even sure I know how to fall in love with someone.
But with the care and consideration he took concerning my kids, I’m on the brink.
I’m right there on the precipice. If he keeps thinking about my kids and how they’ll fit into our lives, I’m going to fall in love with this man before I can even form the words in my head.
Xavi comes into the room. He’s wearing short shorts that look silky. They’re loose and barely cover his ass cheeks. He’s also wearing a tank made of the same material, though it appears less shiny than the shorts, and the shade is off.
He crawls into bed with me, cheeks pink.
“This how you usually dress for bed?” I ask as I pull him close.
“Yeah, but I got self-conscious the other night and wasn’t sure if you’d think I was trying to seduce you or something, so I didn’t wear any of my nightclothes.”
“Just your underwear.”
“Just one of my three pairs of briefs,” he corrects. “Tonight was going to be something wildly different, and I hoped you wouldn’t notice.”
“I noticed,” I say, grinning. I’m reclining against his headboard with him cuddled into my side.
“We’re really doing this,” Xavi whispers.
“We are.”
“I… don’t know how to feel right now.”
“Happy. Excited. Anything outside of that, and we should talk about it.”
Xavi laughs and turns his face into my chest. “I just… The first time it fell through, so I thought this was going to be a sure thing, but you’ve been a damn rollercoaster.”
“This is what you’ve been upset about last night and this morning, isn’t it?” I ask.
He sighs. “Yeah. Sparrow told me I needed to tell you how I was feeling, but I was afraid that if I did, you’d… not be receptive. As you’ve pointed out, we are very opposite in our wants for the future regarding this.”
“Xavi, I think all our wants for the future are vastly different.”
His shoulders stiffen. “Did we make a mistake?” he whispers.
“No. I think those differences are going to work in our favor.”
He shifts so he can look up at me. “You think so?”
“Yes. I think it’s going to make us constantly check in with each other. More communication than we might otherwise have.”
Xavi sighs. “I think I was moving on emotion more than practicality.”
“I agree.”
“I swear I’m not an emotional ninny, despite what you’ve witnessed in the last month.”
“I didn’t think you were, but even if you are an emotional person, there’s nothing wrong with that. Emotions aren’t weaknesses.”
I feel Xavi’s smile against my ribs.
“I do want to ask some follow-up questions because I think they’re going to keep me up all night. I should just let it rest because I feel like I might lose my voice from how much we’ve talked today,” I say.
He huffs. “What’s that?”
“My kids. You were so attentive to including them in every aspect we discussed today, but I also know how you feel about kids.”
“What’s your question?” he asks when I don’t continue.
“Some variation of why, I think.”
He laughs, but his laughter fades until he sighs.
“They’re important to you, as they should be.
I’d think very differently of you if they weren’t important to you, which I know sounds counterintuitive, because my comfort zone would be if they weren’t a big part of your life.
This is going to sound… uh… weird, for lack of a better word, but I’ll learn to be present and comfortable with them.
It’s not like I haven’t been around kids. All my brothers have kids.”
“You don’t spend time around them, though, do you?”
Xavi is reluctant to shake his head. “I don’t,” he admits.
“They’re needy and loud and always seeking attention.
It’s annoying. I think that’s why I have a cat as opposed to a dog.
Shapi has an attitude and demands attention, but for, like, ten minutes tops.
Then he wants nothing to do with me for hours. Sometimes days.”
“That’s not what it’ll be like with my kids. They’re not as hands off as a cat.”
He laughs. “I know. I’ll learn. I want to learn. I think I might fail, but I swear I’ll try.”
“You haven’t changed your mind about kids though. You’d still rather not have them.”
Xavi sighs. He sits up and looks at me. “I can’t change who I am fundamentally, but maybe you can think of it differently.
You never wanted a spouse. You never wanted a contract.
In a way, you’re sacrificing a lot to be with me.
I think that says a whole lot about how you feel concerning us together, right? ”
I haven’t put it into thought quite so much, but I nod. “I keep wondering what the hell happened. I can’t even say I’ve gotten to know you for a month, and that’s what’s changed my mind. We have what, two weeks? Less? What if it’s a mistake?”
“Do you think it is?”
“In my gut, no,” I say and touch his cheek with the tips of my fingers. He leans into my touch. “My head is worried. My heart isn’t. My logic is screaming at me.”
“It sounds very loud inside you,” he muses.
I snort. “It is.”
“I feel like that too,” Xavi says. “But my point is, you’ve spent so long adamantly against the future we’re building, and to be with me, you’re giving it a chance. I’m doing that concerning kids. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’ll be different because they’re not forced on me.”
“Not forced on you, eh?”
“Not in the same way. It feels distinctly different, Enfield. They’re yours.
They’re who you are. The only positive thing you’ve had in your life is your kids.
I can see it every single time you talk about them—the way you smile.
How proud of them you are. I can feel that, and I can’t help but warm up to the idea a little. ”
I lean forward and kiss him. “I like that answer.”
He smiles. “Good. Articulating what’s going on inside me isn’t easy.”
“I understand that in my damn soul.”
“What’s the second thing? You said two, right?”
“Yes. I want to talk about living arrangements.”
“You said two separate rooms, the way they did two-hundred years ago,” he answers.
“Location, Xavi. It’s important to me to be in Napa Valley, where my kids are. But I think you really love this house and being close to Sparrow.”
He nods minutely. “Yeah. I think if anything is going to cause me a little bit of anxiety, it’s that. But I think it’s more important that we’re in Napa Valley, don’t you?”
“Important to me, yes. Not you.”
“But your kids are there, so that’s where we need to be. Right?”
I grip his hip and pull him onto my lap so he’s straddling me, facing me. I haul him close by his ass, wrapped in this smooth, sexy material. Good god. I never knew fabric could be sensual. My cock is already trying to feel it.
Kids. We’re talking about my kids!
“How do you feel about this? I don’t want the house my parents set aside for me.
Admittedly, a lot of the reasons are because I don’t want my parents to know where I live.
However, I think it’ll be good for us to have a house all our own.
Somewhere we choose together. Somewhere brand new to both of us, and we can build our new life together on equal footing. ”
He grins. “Yes. I love that. But Enfield, that doesn’t change the real underlying topic of where.”
“I’m thinking northern Napa Valley. It’s further than I’d like to be, but close enough to my kids that it’s not entirely out of range.
We keep this house here, and we’ll visit often.
If you’re comfortable, we’ll bring my kids with us sometimes, and they can get to know Sparrow’s family and his future kids. ”
Xavi’s smile is wide. “Yes. Okay, but one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“We’re in Napa Valley. Enfield, I can’t imagine my dad living far away.
I can’t imagine not being able to see him whenever I wanted because he was too far for just a day trip or a lunch date.
Like you have with them now. Maybe when they all drive, we can move further away.
But right now, when they’re little, I don’t want to be the reason Ronan says he wants to see you, but someone has to say no because you’re too far away for an afternoon visit. ”
“You’re not the reason.”
“I am the reason. I want a new house with you. I think that’s perfect. But I think we need to be in Napa Valley.”
“I don’t want you to be resentful of our moving so far away from Sparrow.”
Xavi sighs. “Sparrow isn’t ready to put down roots.
He’s bored and just… unsettled. He built his house.
It’s finished. But he’s still staying in his childhood bedroom, and he doesn’t really know why.
He usually spends his summers on the ocean on his boat, just cruising around.
He’s attending college again this fall because he’s bored and needs something to do.
Staying in Sun Haven isn’t important right now. Sparrow isn’t going to be there.”
“Where is he attending school?”
He talked a lot of big talk, but I can see the anxiety in his eyes when he answers. “He’s going to Longwood U. It’s south by like… five or six hours from Napa Valley, I think.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah.”
That’s not going to work. He needs Sparrow. I’ll need to think about this for a while. There needs to be a compromise in this somewhere. I need to be close to my kids, but it’s equally important that he’s close to Sparrow.
Xavi wiggles forward. The friction of his cock rubbing against mine makes my fingers dig into his sexy ass. He grins and leans forward.
“Want to know why I chose my room tonight?”
“Why?”
“You’re a weird guy who doesn’t have lube in his nightstand drawer. Spit is fun and all, but it’s time you see how fun frotting can be with some proper lube between us.”
I groan. “Vixen.”
Xavi grins. “Orgasms seem like a good way to end the day, right?”
I kiss him. “Unnecessary, but yes. Sounds wonderful.”