Chapter 9
Holden
I stood from my desk and stretched my back, ready for a break. The past two nights on an air mattress had been more restful than the sofa, but my body was less happy about the flimsy barrier between me and the floor. The damn thing kept leaking too, getting flatter and flatter toward morning.
You can join me in the bed anytime, Shiloh had said. I was sure he meant it too. Part of me wanted to take him up on it. He knew my boundaries, and he’d respect them. But something held me back.
Shiloh was my safe outlet for sexual frustration before, but now…
he was dangerous to my self-preservation.
With him here in person, I couldn’t go to him for sex without the realities of my trauma cock-blocking me, and joining him in the bed just seemed like taunting myself with everything I couldn’t have.
Axel’s voice rose in the auto shop, followed by laughter. I leaned out of my doorway. “You here for lunch?”
“Nah, I’m meeting Dalton over at the park. They’re having a company picnic.”
“Aw, you’re such a good little sheriff’s wifey,” Gray said.
Axel flipped him the bird. “I’m going so I can sucker some of them into fostering pets, that’s all.”
Axel had recently started up a pet rescue that was funded through a grant, but he didn’t fool me. He was happy with Dalton, and he no doubt came up with that excuse so that he could spend more time with him without looking like a sap.
He turned to me. “And before you ask, the new guy is over at the junkyard. He’s breaking down a totaled car that just came in.”
“I wasn’t going to ask.”
He gave me a skeptical look. Okay, I did wonder. But I didn’t voice the question. That was progress, right?
“How’s it going with Flynn?” I asked instead.
“Flynn is great,” Axel said. “He’s easygoing. Does whatever I want.”
“Bit scary-looking,” Bailey added. “Dude looks like he could break me in half.”
“He probably could,” Axel said with a laugh. “He’s a good guy, though. I can tell.”
“He’s breaking down a car?” I mused. “Does he have experience with that?”
“No, but he’s a natural,” Axel said. “He told me that he used to work on his junkers to keep them going. Why? You’re not gonna poach him, are you?”
“Maybe…”
Matteo was doing his best, but he wasn’t half the mechanic Bailey was, and soon, my youngest brother would be off to college.
He groaned. “Holden, I just got used to having more help over there. We’re getting so much shit done.”
I raised my hands. “I’m not saying I definitely will.”
Axel rolled his eyes. “Well, whatever. I should get going. Don’t have too much fun without me.”
“What’s fun?” Bailey asked as Axel walked out. “I barely remember.”
“I’m going over to the house. I want to check in with Shiloh, and I’ll bring back some sandwiches. Is ham good with everyone?”
“Not as good as Zacos,” Bailey said.
“Ham, it is.”
Banshee greeted me at the door with happy doggy woofs, but there was no sign of Shiloh. I crossed the living room to the kitchen, but it was empty too.
“Hey, Shiloh, I’m going to make lunch,” I called. “Do you want any?”
There was no response. I frowned. Maybe he’d hopped in the shower late? Unease trickled through me. Surely he would have told me if he planned to go somewhere.
I headed down the hall to my bedroom and opened the door.
Shiloh sat on the foot of my bed. Safe and sound.
And…performing.
Heat swept through me so fast I grew dizzy. Embarrassment and arousal. I hadn’t meant to interrupt him. I should have realized he might be doing a cam show. He’d told me he had to keep working.
Shiloh leaned back, braced on one arm, legs spread as he rubbed his hard dick through his underwear. He wore nothing else, so he was pretty far into the show already.
Banshee started through the doorway, and I caught her by the collar. Shiloh’s gaze flicked to me, and he gasped with surprise.
Performer that he was, he kept the show going.
“Oh no, someone’s just caught me being naughty,” he said in a teasing voice. He bit his bottom lip, flicking his gaze between me and the computer. “Should I give him a show or stop here?”
I rolled my eyes. I could guess which way his viewers would go on that.
Shiloh didn’t even bother checking the chat. He locked eyes with me. “I want him to watch me.”
Fuck me.
Shiloh hooked his thumbs into his waistband. “Should I take these off?”
I instinctively knew he was asking me, not his viewers.
I shooed Banshee into the hall and closed the door behind me, leaning back against it, and licked my dry lips.
Shiloh sat, fingers tucked into his underwear waistband, patiently waiting for my answer.
Slowly, I nodded.
I’d missed our cam sessions since moving him in. I’d never tell him that because his safety was more important than any inconvenience to me, but my cock got so hard at the sight of him like this, the camboy who’d gotten me off so many times before, that I ached.
Shiloh dragged the fabric of his underwear down in slow motion, giving teasing peeks of his cockhead until I stepped forward and growled, “Take them off.”
He sucked in a sharp breath, a flush of color spreading across his upper chest, and finally removed his briefs. His body was long and lean, beautifully toned, and he was so comfortable in his skin that it never ceased to amaze me.
Shiloh leaned back on both arms, legs spread and cock curving up over his abs. A single pearl of precum formed at the tip of his dick, and he swept it up with his index finger to suck it off.
The same finger that wore that gaudy Ring Pop he loved to suck teasingly.
My mouth watered at the mingling scents of male musk and candy. I hadn’t been this close to the physical act of sex since I tried and failed to have a hookup in college. That memory made my heart lurch, and I took an involuntary step back.
“Don’t go,” Shiloh whispered, too quietly for the mic stand to pick up. “Please?”
I froze, caught off guard by the plea. Shiloh had incorporated my interruption into the cam show, but I hadn’t thought he really cared whether I was there. But the longing look in his eyes was all for me.
“Go on,” I said, knowing the mic would pick up my voice. “Touch yourself.”
Shiloh grasped his cock in a loose fist and stroked with a groan. “Join me?”
I hesitated. I couldn’t go on camera. Couldn’t touch him. So what could I do?
“Wanna see your dick,” he murmured under his breath. “Want you to come with me, like all those other times…”
Like in our private cam sessions, when he couldn’t see me.
My breath gusted out of me.
I hadn’t exposed myself to anyone like this before. But it was Shiloh, and he’d bared every inch of himself to me, obeying every bossy order for months.
I tugged open my jeans and pulled out my cock before my thoughts could even solidify. I wanted it so damn badly my hand was shaking as it closed around my shaft. The pleasure that streaked through me was almost too much. My eyes clenched shut.
Then Shiloh gave a shuddering sound of pleasure, and they shot open again. I didn’t want to miss a moment of this. The blush had crawled onto his face, and Shiloh was no longer looking at the camera, eyes fixed only on me.
I matched the speed of my strokes to Shiloh’s, a slow, decadent build when I was tempted to race to the finish.
He was good at drawing out pleasure. He slowed, teasing the head of his cock. Heat crashed over me in waves, making me light-headed. I went to my knees.
“Fuck,” Shiloh said, seeing me go down. His hand jerked faster, proving he wasn’t immune. “Wish I could see more of you. Would you—?”
I forced my hand away from my throbbing dick to strip off my jacket and dress shirt. I was hyperaware of the scars marring my body, but they were mostly on my back. As long as we stayed in this position, he was unlikely to notice.
Shiloh’s gaze swept over my chest and stomach. I was a little self-conscious. I didn’t exactly manscape when no one was ever around to see me.
He licked his lips, looking hungry enough to make my insides quiver.
I normally took the lead in our interactions, but I was overwhelmed by this new step. I couldn’t find the words. I just stroked with him, on the edge of coming after only seconds.
“Wish I could taste you,” Shiloh said. “I’d suck you so good.”
He lifted that damn Ring Pop, running it over his bottom lip, teasing me before he pushed it into his mouth with a hungry groan. He licked and sucked, pushing it deeper, then pulling it out. It was eager and sloppy, and it had the exact effect he was going for.
“Fuck!” I cried. “I need to come.”
“Do it,” Shiloh said.
My body went tight, I gasped a startled breath, and then I was spilling over my fingers.
“Oh fuck,” Shiloh cried, stroking faster. “You make me so hot. I can’t stop.”
“Don’t stop,” I said. “Come for me. Only me.”
He arched, cock shooting cum in impressive streams that landed artfully across his torso. That had to be a learned skill, because not a single drop hit my bedding.
He fell back in a pile of loose limbs, chest rising and falling with his rapid breaths. I still knelt in front of the door, cum cooling on my fingers.
I grabbed my shirt and scrambled to my feet, then veered left into the bathroom so I could clean up. I washed my hands and tucked myself away. Shiloh stepped into the bathroom doorway, still naked, as I slipped my arms into my shirt and began to button it up.
“Are you okay?” he asked hesitantly.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
His gaze lingered on me. “I don’t know. You rushed out of there.”
“Didn’t want to interrupt your show any more than I already did.”
“I’m sorry about that,” Shiloh said. “I didn’t mean for you to see.”
I nodded. “I should have knocked. I wasn’t thinking…”
“I’m not sorry you walked in, though,” Shiloh said with a small smile. “It made it way better for me.”
That surprised me. “It did?”
“Performing like that is an act, you know? It’s work. But with you, it’s different.”
“How is it different?” I asked, trying to ignore the flutters in my stomach. The hope that he would feel even a fraction of what I felt. It couldn’t go anywhere, anyway. We still couldn’t touch.
“I want you,” Shiloh said simply. “You’re not some faceless client. You’re Holden.”
My chest tightened. “You know I can’t…”
He nodded. “I know. But we could do this again, right? If it was good for you too? It looked like you were enjoying it.”
I hesitated, not wanting to disappoint him, and a little embarrassed to admit the truth.
“You can say no,” Shiloh said quickly. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything.”
“I don’t really like watching you do cam shows for other people,” I said. “I haven’t been to one in a while because I can’t help but feel…”
“What?” Shiloh prompted gently.
“Jealous,” I admitted, a flash of embarrassment making me look away. “I know I don’t have any right, and it’s your job, and I’m just a client—”
“I think we established already that you’re more than a client to me,” Shiloh said softly. “It’s okay to feel how you feel.”
I blew out a breath. “Thanks for understanding.”
“But I didn’t really mean a cam show when I asked if you’d want to do this again. I just meant us…doing this together. Like we did before on-screen.”
“Oh.” I swallowed hard. “Well, that…would be amazing. If— Only if you really want. I don’t want to take advantage.”
“Oh honey, if anyone is taking advantage, it’s me. Free room and board, and now sexual favors too. You’re spoiling me.”
I chuckled. “Hardly. I’m not easy to be around. I know that.”
Shiloh’s eyes softened. “You’re incredibly easy to be around. That’s why it’s so hard for people to remember your boundaries. But I will. I promise. We don’t have to touch.”
“I wish we could,” I said. “I’m working on it in therapy, but it’s hard.”
He nodded, looking serious. “I hope therapy works for you. You deserve that. But I don’t expect anything. You’re already giving me so much, and if you don’t want to do this again, then—”
“No, I do,” I said, cutting him off. “Fuck, I really do.”
He laughed. “Okay, good. Me too.” His gaze drifted to my lips, making them tingle with the desire for a kiss, even if I knew it’d be catastrophic to try. His eyes lowered, tracing down the line of my throat and lingering on the sliver of chest still exposed by my open shirt.
He licked his lips. “You’re so gorgeous, Holden. I can’t believe you kept yourself hidden from me during all those private sessions.” His eyes met mine, a spark of mischief in them. “You’re going to have to make up for lost time.”
My stomach tightened, but with anticipation rather than nerves. I’d looked forward to our cam sessions, but this was different. More real somehow, even when we weren’t touching.
I could smell him, feel the warmth of his breath between us.
I’d barely had a taste of real physical intimacy, and I already craved so much more. Shiloh might be happy to accept whatever I could give him, but I wasn’t satisfied. Not by a long shot.