Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
CANE
The whole ceremony, I keep my eyes on the back of Harland’s head.
I saw her cry, but for the most part, she’s kept it together.
She sits beside her mom at the front, but on the other side of their bench are two sets of elderly couples—people I can only assume to be her grandparents—along with a few others who must be family too.
When her friends went and found her before the service to give her a hug, I asked them not to mention I was here. I plan to tell her after, but I didn’t want to make anything worse right before the ceremony began.
“We’re going to finish with a slideshow that was made by some of Daniel’s family,” the pastor says before stepping out of the way, and a lady walks to the computer in the corner of the room.
Moments later, music begins to play, and when Luke Combs’s voice begins to sing “Even Though I’m Leaving,” I don’t think there’s a dry eye in the room, myself included.
This is a song I’ve never been able to listen to because it hurts too much, making me think of my own dad. But when the slideshow begins to play, I know it’s also the perfect song for Harley’s dad.
I wish, more than anything in the world, that she didn’t have to be in this club with me. The one you can only be in if you lose a parent. Because this club? It’s fucking terrible.
Pictures show, and videos play. Some of Harland’s parents, some of her dad with his family or maybe friends, but so, so many of her and her dad.
One of him pitching to her on the lawn while she holds a softball bat bigger than she is.
Them at the beach, running into the waves.
A young Harland in her catching gear, looking up at her father and smiling, her gear dirty from the game she must have just played.
He looks down at her with pure adoration.
They loved each other so much. He didn’t have other kids, just Harley.
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve, and Haven pats me on my arm before sniffling.
All of this, it’s bringing back so many feelings of what it was like when my dad died, and it’s much harder than I thought it would be to sit here.
Once it’s over and everyone either shuffles up or forms a line to pay their condolences to Harland and her mom, I’m torn on what to do.
“Come on, Hale,” Haven whispers, squeezing my hand. “I think our friend will be happy to see you.”
I look at her, unsure, but when she smiles at me, giving me a nod, I know either way, I need to at least try to go talk to Harley. Simply to tell her that I’m here if she needs me.
HARLEY
“Thank you. I appreciate it,” I murmur.
Face after face, I say the same sentence over and over before being embraced into a hug. I understand this is part of losing someone—having to hug people you may or may not know for what seems like eternity—but when I glance at the line, realizing it looks never-ending, I kind of want to cry.
I don’t like people that much on a good day, let alone a bad one.
When my eyes move back to the person in front of me, I quickly stop and turn my head.
Cane.
Cane is here … with Haven and Gigi. They didn’t mention it earlier, but maybe he came in late?
Or perhaps he told them not to? Whatever it is, I should be mad because not even a week ago, he made me feel like an idiot.
I wanted him to take my virginity to distract me from life, and he—a guy who has a reputation of sleeping around—wouldn’t do it.
Or couldn’t do it.
Our eyes hold one another’s, and I find myself trapped, unable to look away even though I know there’s yet another person in front of me, waiting for a damn hug.
He’s not saying a word, and even if he was, from here, I wouldn’t be able to hear him. And yet it feels like we’re sharing a conversation.
Finally, a woman I don’t recognize gets tired of waiting and embraces me all on her own.
“Your dad was a great man,” she whispers, squeezing me and patting my back. “We grew up together.”
Once she releases me, stepping back, I tear my eyes from Cane’s and say the same sentence again. “Thank you,” I murmur. “I appreciate it.”
Luckily, she gives me a sad nod and moves on to my mom. There are only six people between me and my friends right now, and mentally, I’m not sure I can hug six more people that I either barely know or don’t know at all. Especially when I can feel Cane’s gaze on me, warming me like a heated blanket.
I power through, even though it’s a blur, and it isn’t long before Haven, Gigi, and Cane are standing in front of me.
Haven hugs me first, running her hand over the top of my head, and I catch sight of Cane embracing my mom. He murmurs something, but I can’t make out what it is. Though I’m sure it’s something perfect and sweet, in true Cane fashion.
“I’m so sorry, Harls,” Haven whispers, hugging me tighter. “The whole team wanted to fly out, but it was too hard. But they all send their condolences.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, fighting to keep my emotions in check.
If I fall apart, even a little, it’ll quickly turn into me being a complete mess. I need to be strong today. For my mom, for my grandparents, and for everyone else here.
Soon, she releases me, and it’s Gigi’s turn.
Once they step back, slowly, my eyes lift to Cane’s, and even though I want to fight it, my lip trembles.
Maybe it’s because when I got the bad news or when my dad died, he was with me.
Whatever it is makes it hard for me to hold my composure.
And so far today, I’ve done really good.
Haven and Gigi move on to hug my mom before working their way out of the line, but Cane takes a step closer to me, not showing any signs of leaving.
“How are you holding up, Catch?” he rasps, looking down at me with the softest eyes.
I shrug my shoulders up and down, my eyes filling with tears.
“Yeah, I figured,” he whispers, even though I didn’t vocally respond.
Slowly, he puts his arms out. “Come here,” he whispers.
At first, I fight it, keeping myself rooted to my spot, but then I give up on trying to be tough, and I fall against him, burying my face into his dress shirt.
Everything I’ve been holding in today comes out, and of course, it’s in front of everyone in this room.
“Hey,” he murmurs against my hair. “You don’t have to stand in this line, Harland. You’ve done your part, and I promise, no one is going to think you’re rude if you walk away right now.”
“My mom,” I say in a squeak. “I can’t leave—”
Suddenly, my mom is at my side.
“Sweetie, it’s okay,” she says, patting my back. “I have Auntie here. I promise, you can go. No one expects you to stay in this line and hug all of these people that you probably don’t know.”
Craning my neck to look at her, I keep my cheek against Cane’s body.
“Promise?” I whimper, a few tears rolling down my cheeks, no doubt soaking his shirt.
“Yes, baby.” She nods. “I promise.”
I have no idea why, but her response only makes me cry harder. Soon, Cane is leading us out a back door, and we walk down a hallway until it’s just the two of us in a quiet room.
Taking a seat in a chair, he gently pulls me down onto his lap, and I wrap my hands around his neck before burying my face into his shirt. I use the material to muffle my sobs as his palm rubs circles on my back sympathetically.
My shoulders shake with emotion, and my throat feels raw, like I’ve just had the worst cold in my life, even though I haven’t been sick.
My eyes feel puffy, and my cheeks damn near feel crispy because my skin is so dried out.
But for as long as it takes, Cane just …
holds me. He doesn’t rush me or try to talk.
But he holds me tightly and keeps rubbing my back.
And even though I can’t stop crying, it helps the pain.
CANE
After what is probably half an hour, Harland’s shaking dissipates, and finally, she lifts her head to look at me. Her nose is red, and her eyes are puffy. She looks so broken, but she’s still the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
“Will it always feel this way?” she whispers, her voice cracking at the end.
I can’t lie and tell her that it gets easier or that what she’s feeling—that gnawing pain in her gut that she can’t explain or that heaviness in her chest—ever goes away because it doesn’t. Not fully anyway.
“Not this badly,” I whisper, dipping my forehead to hers. “The pain? It will always be there to some degree. But you’ll learn to live with it, and even though it’s there, it won’t be as debilitating. At least not every single day.”
“I just …” She looks down, and when a lone tear runs down her cheek, I swipe my thumb across her skin, capturing it before it has the chance to fall.
“I just don’t know how to be me without him.
” She shrugs. “And I don’t know how I’m going to go back to NEU and leave my mom here”—she sniffles—“all alone.”
“I know,” I whisper, not having the words. My dad’s been gone since I was a kid, yet I’m still trying to figure it all out. “I may not know your mom that well, but I know she wouldn’t want you to give up everything you’ve worked so hard for. And I know your dad wouldn’t either.”
“I guess,” she says so faintly that I can barely hear her.
“I mean it,” I tell her again before I sigh. “I’m really sorry how we left things the other day.”
When her eyes dance between mine, it’s almost as if her guard goes back up, and quickly, she looks away. It may not be the best time to explain things right now, but I can’t stop myself anyway.
“Hey,” I whisper. “Look at me, Catch.”
When she refuses, my fingers gently clutch her chin and force her to face me.