Chapter 18
Jealousy is rather uncomfortable.
It had been three weeks since the incident in the lift, and if possible, it had gotten more awkward between Monqilcolnen and I. At first when we were trapped in the lift, I’d thought the time would help me grow calmer with him, but at the end… Monqilcolnen had almost kissed me. I was sure of it.
And yet, part of me thought I had to be mistaken.
There was simply no way Monqilcolnen, sole royal cousin, future member of the Cohort, future royal adviser to the Emperor, wealthy peerage member, and commander in the Planetary Navy, wanted me.
It was too arrogant. While I was lovely to look at, I was no one.
Us courting wasn’t a possibility.
However, tension strung tight between us every time we were alone, which was often, as I worked for him. Monqilcolnen also seemed to find excuses to work from his office whenever I was present, but that was coming to an end.
Qinlin had cleared me for regular duty, and all I had to do was take my leave of Monqilcolnen. Yes, I would now be required to take blaster classes, but that was in a group setting. I would not be taking Monqilcolnen up on his offer for private lessons.
While this trip had grown longer since we had to travel to the Vvekian border, I didn’t care, because I wasn’t working for Monqilcolnen any longer.
Also I’d applied for one of the jobs on the Vvekian ship.
If accepted, I would be able to avoid Monqilcolnen, though I’d miss seeing Seth, Bobbinvoxlyn, and Urgg on a near daily basis.
And Cencay would need a new mentor who was on board with them, which did make me rather sad, as I was growing fond of the cadet.
I was sure Edith would find a way to poke her tentacles into the Vvekian ship to keep watch over me, so I wouldn’t have to miss her.
Then again, I might not miss seeing my friends.
Both Urgg and Seth had noticed the tension between me and Monqilcolnen.
Seth thought we’d fought or that Monqilcolnen had started telling the story again.
Urgg kept telling me to get drunk with him and all the problems between us would disappear.
That was unlikely. Alcohol, Monqilcolnen, and I had rarely mixed well; I refused to vomit on him ever again.
I stepped into the office, and Monqilcolnen looked up. His golden gaze made me squirm, though, oddly enough, the urge to flee had dissipated and had been replaced by a gut-curling, toe-warming, squirmy feeling I didn’t understand. Truly, I didn’t know which sensation was worse.
Cincin meowed, jumping off his broad shoulders and waddling toward me.
I crouched and stroked her back. I scratched her chin, and she purred in cat contentment.
This I would miss. I peeked up at Monqilcolnen, and he was smiling, which sent my soul racing.
Maybe Cincin wasn’t the only thing I’d miss.
“Wyn,” he greeted. Since that time in the lift, he’d called me by my name, no title, whether we were alone or with people.
“Commander.”
Monqilcolnen frowned, but he didn’t remark on my formality. “What can I do for you?”
“I have been cleared medically to return to duty as of today.”
He looked down at the desk and cleared his throat. “Yes. I saw Qinlin’s report.”
“I would like to return to my work. I would also like to recommend Cadet Cencay for my position here.” The cadet would learn a lot serving Monqilcolnen.
“They would be a worthwhile replacement. They will need a considerable amount of training, since they are so young and inexperienced, but this is a cadet level job.”
Please don’t ask me to, I silently begged. I said, “This would be an excellent experience for Cencay.”
“It would, and I agree with your recommendation. I shall train them myself.”
I’d thought I would feel relieved by not having to train Cencay, but I didn’t. Instead, a hot, annoyed feeling surfaced at the thought of Cencay and Monqilcolnen spending so much time together, alone, all alone, which was utterly ridiculous.
“Am I excused?”
Monqilcolnen gave me a sad smile. “You are excused, Wyn.”
“Thank you, Commander.”
“Commander Monqilcolnen is so smart,” Cencay gushed from their bunk above mine.
I fought a growl in the back of my throat at their warm tone.
Every day for the last month, I’d heard nothing but how amazing Monqilcolnen was and how nice he was to them.
It had begun to grate on my nerves. For some reason, I had the inexplicable desire to throttle them and keep them away from Monqilcolnen.
The matter wasn’t helped by my resuming training with him.
I, of course, had to requalify for my blaster competency.
I wasn’t getting any better, which I’d expected.
Monqilcolnen had ignored me in each of the sessions, though perhaps ignore was the wrong word.
He’d merely not shown me any special preference.
Barely an acknowledgement of my presence.
And he never tried to personally teach me or stand behind me and adjust my stance.
It was as if his interest in me had vanished now that I wasn’t working daily with him.
Such a thing shouldn’t bother me, but it did.
I wanted Monqilcolnen’s eyes on me, only me, and I never wanted him to look away.
Somehow, my instincts demanded I be the sole object of Monqilcolnen’s focus. Me. Nothing else.
“He is just so…” Cencay trailed off.
“Smart,” I supplied with a growl. They had remarked on Monqilcolnen’s intelligence to the point I felt nauseous. I was well aware of how smart he was. I didn’t need this peppy cadet to tell me.
“Well, yes. I must say he is, but I was going to say…” Cencay flipped over so their head hung over the ledge. They wouldn’t quite meet my eye as they continued, “Attractive.”
Something feral rose from the pit of my gut.
My wings attempted to flare, but they were trapped in my harness.
My tail thrashed, and I had to grab the mat beneath me to stop from ripping Cencay off their bunk by their pink braids and snarling against their throat while threatening to remove their eyes.
“He is,” I finally said, my voice sounding like my mouth was full of grit.
They released a breathy moan that set my teeth on edge. Cencay whispered, “I know I shouldn’t, but I find him very attractive and cannot help myself.”
Mine, my instincts roared, and I swallowed it down before taking a soothing breath.
I’d never experienced such an emotion before, and I was unsure of what to do with it.
I was a seeker soul. While all drakcol were possessive to the point of sometimes being seen as overbearing, seeker souls weren’t known for being aggressive—that was the territory of warrior souls.
But I’d never felt as I did in this moment; that if anyone was to charm the elusive commander, it should be me.
“Do you care for him?” I asked, trying to suppress my violent instincts and the visions of shredding Cencay to pieces.
“I don’t think so,” they replied. “I find him kind, attractive, and knowledgeable, but he doesn’t call to my soul as Camden did.
” Cencay’s expression turned downcast, and tears gathered in their eyes.
I did believe they had truly cared for Camden, but he was allowed to say no, and I didn’t see any fault in his rejection.
Camden wasn’t a commodity and shouldn’t be treated as such.
I leaned back against my pillow, muscles unclenching. While I didn’t like Cencay finding Monqilcolnen attractive, I was soothed by the fact they didn’t want him as I apparently did.
“There’s nothing wrong in finding someone attractive,” I told them—I was supposed to be their mentor regardless of how I currently felt. “Even someone who is above your rank. It’s how you act that defines you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just because you find the commander or Camden attractive, you’re not justified in making them uncomfortable. If they don’t return your regards, leave them alone and stop pursuing them.”
Cencay dropped their head onto the edge of the mat. “I know this. My mothers have spoken to me about it, and with the commander, it’s easy to ignore my attraction because I have no true interest. Camden is another matter. I want him still, but I’ve left him alone.”
My eyes closed. This I understood. The almost-kiss replayed in my mind on a loop.
Sometimes I dreamed about Monqilcolnen’s mouth on mine, followed by him fucking me.
I wanted it. I could not believe I did, but I did.
However, Monqilcolnen didn’t appear to desire me the same way anymore.
It had been a passing lust that had vanished when we were no longer in each other’s presence.
“It can be hard,” I finally replied, “but you must let him go.”
They returned to lying on their back. “I know.”
Silence descended; the rest of the people who shared our berth were asleep or on shift.
Cencay moved above me, their sheets rustling every few minutes.
I tried to sleep, for I was on duty early in the day, but it wouldn’t come.
Instead, Monqilcolnen’s smile played through my thoughts, stealing my breath and making my soul pound.
Why him?
It made no logical sense. I wasn’t the kind of person who had long-term relationships or courted.
I preferred fuck friends, which I had many of—some even on this ship.
I could ping any one of them and ask for a rendezvous to take away this pressing ache, but I didn’t want them.
I wanted Monqilcolnen. Though it wasn’t for a short fuck; I wanted him for longer, which was utterly terrifying.
I wanted to know him. I wanted to make him smile.
I wanted to see what lay behind that mask when I peeled it away.
In short, I wanted to court him, which was a first for me.
I threw back the sheet and tugged on some clothes before slipping out of the room.
My feet led me down the familiar corridors with the blue moss floor and the blooming vines.
I stuck out my hand to trail along some of the plants as I walked by, seeking some kind of solace from them.
I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing, but this energy in my limbs wouldn’t abate until I did something about it.
A door appeared in front of me, and I jerked to a stop.
Monqilcolnen’s quarters. He had yet to take me off his account.
Nothing was stopping me from slipping inside and joining him in bed.
I closed my eyes and easily pictured me sliding next to him in the bed, the blanket covering me, and coiling my arms around his waist. He’d turn and…
A breathless moan burst out of me at the thought of him returning my embrace before forcing me to my back and claiming me.
Permissions could be discussed and then fucking could happen.
All I had to do was open the door and step inside.
A single door stopped me from what I wanted.
Well, that, and the knowledge that forcing myself on Monqilcolnen was wrong.
I had no true knowledge of his desires, and they might not extend to me.
Dragging my claws down his door, I took a deep breath and forced myself to leave. If I was going to attempt to further my interest in him, it would have to happen when we were both awake and cognizant of any conversation that happened.
Instead of acting on my raging instincts, I walked down the corridor to Seth and Kalvoxrencol’s room.
The hour was late, so most likely they would both be asleep, but I doubted Seth would mind me waking him.
When I reached his door, I pulled out my touchstone.
The pulsing blue stone was slightly warm, even though it was currently inactive.
“Edith,” I said, though I was fairly certain she’d tapped into all of the systems by now.
“Yes, Wyn?”
“Is Seth awake?”
“Yes. Prince Kalvoxrencol and Bob are asleep, but he’s awake. Why?”
I didn’t answer her. “Will you let him know I’m outside?”
“Of course. What’s going on?”
I scrubbed my claws through my hair. I hadn’t bothered to braid it before leaving my quarters, so the long strands hung around me. “I’m struggling.”
Her voice took on a soft note. “Oh, Wyn, can I help?”
“I would enjoy speaking to you and Seth, though I very much doubt that either of you can assist me.” A random thought popped into my head. “Is Urgg awake?”
“Yes. They’re in their bakery.”
“Would you tell them Seth and I are on the way? We’ll all talk there.” Urgg wouldn’t be upset with me commandeering their baking time.
“Of course, Wyn.” She made a low noise before saying, “I hope you know I treasure your friendship.”
A sudden burn prickled the back of my eyes. “I do know that.”
“I might seem more invested in Seth and his child, but that’s not true. You and Seth are both equally important and equally dear to me.”
“Thank you, Edith. You are very important to me.”
The door slid open and ended our conversation. Seth asked, “What’s going on?”