30. Wyatt
30
WYATT
The darkness has returned.
It’s more jarring this time. Like I’ve spent so long living in the light that my eyes just won’t adjust. They don’t want to.
They crave what we had before.
I knew learning the truth would either make or break us, but I don’t think I ever accepted it could be the latter.
I didn’t want to.
I move in a fog, not knowing which way is forward and which is back. Anything I manage is done on autopilot. My heart isn’t in it—it’s back in Matthias’s office, bleeding and dying on his wooden floor.
I’d gone straight from there to Jackson’s room. I packed up his stuff and without a word, drove us to a hotel. I didn’t even pack my own bag. I didn’t think about it. I only wanted to leave.
Matthias didn’t make an appearance, just shut himself in his office and remained silent.
It’s tempting to go back, to pin him to a wall and fucking demand he explain himself. To insist he tell me why he told me to leave if he loves me.
And he does love me. There’s no other explanation for why he’s behaved this way. It’s the only rationale I have for why he insisted on this marriage.
So why the fuck did he make me leave?
Jackson didn’t say anything as we left, just went along with it. I don’t know if he could sense how close I’d been to breaking. The fine stitching that held me together was unraveling with every step I took away from Matthias.
The silence from my brother didn’t last long though. Now that we’re in the hotel room, he’s pestering me.
“So, why did we leave?” he asks as I stare out the hotel window, my eyes trying to pinpoint where Matthias’s house is in the distance. I can’t see it. I don’t even know where it is.
I miss him. I’m also beyond fucking pissed at him. I’m angry he put us in this position without my knowledge. Furious he wasn’t prepared to fight for us.
But still, I miss him.
This is worse than the first time. It’s so much worse. I feel like I’m coming undone. I don’t think I’ll be able to sew myself up this time. I think I may end up in pieces.
It’s worse because I know what it’s like to love him up close. He introduced me to a new world, one where he was at the center.
Now I don’t want to return to the world I once knew.
If it was just me, I think I’d hole up in this hotel room forever. Just sit and stare in the direction of his house and refuse to move on.
But it’s not just me. I have Jackson to care for.
My mind moves away from Matthias and on to planning. There’s so much we need to do. We need to get a place, get new furniture, and get Jackson a nurse to keep up with his physical therapy.
“Hey, seriously. What’s up? Why did we leave? I wanna know,” Jackson says again.
I blink away the tears and turn toward him. “It’s complicated.”
“I’m not a kid. Tell me.”
I sigh. He’s right. He’s so much more mature than I give him credit for. “I learned the truth.”
Jackson makes a face like I’ve lost my mind. “Yeah, and that’s good, right? Now you can move forward?”
I shake my head, swallowing. “Sometimes the truth isn’t good.”
He stares at me. “Okay then. Tell me what happened.”
But I can’t. I won’t betray Matthias that way, despite everything he’s done to keep me in the dark, I won’t share his secrets. I’m furious at him, but still oddly protective. How can I love and hate someone all at the same time? “All you need to know is he tricked me. It’s all I can say.”
Jackson arches an eyebrow at me. “So, we left because of that? A trick?”
No, it’s because I want it to be real. But he set me up from the start. How can I trust anything he’s told me? Anything we did together?
Especially after he told me to leave. Clearly, what we have isn’t worth fighting for.
At least, not for Matthias.
I can’t tell Jackson any of that. “It’s complicated.”
He huffs. “So, everything that he’s done for me—for you—it’s all forgotten because of a trick? Got it.”
I can tell Jackson is annoyed, but he doesn’t understand. He has no idea what’s happened between Matthias and me. It’s not that simple. It’s not.
Right?
I wish I fucking knew. I’m so exhausted I feel like I could sleep for a year.
But I’m too scared to do that. I know what will be waiting for me in my dreams—who will be haunting them.
I stiffen my spine. I can’t go to pieces. I have to stay strong for Jackson. I have to pull myself together, even if it’s a lie. “Seriously. Enough with the attitude. I know…I know you just got settled, and we’re going to have to move again, but we’ll make it work. Like we always have.”
Jackson huffs in annoyance and turns around, pulling up his phone. “Yeah, all right. Whatever you say, bro.”
I blink at him, my eyes swimming with unshed tears.
I know he’s mad now, but Jackson will get over it. We’ll make our own way. I’ll try and heal. We’ll be okay.
I’ll make sure of it.
* * *
We find a fully furnished apartment on the other side of town far too easily. Rent is month-to-month and it’s in a safe area. Part of me wants to call Matthias and ask him if he had a hand in this, but I don’t. I can’t. I can’t hear his voice without breaking down. I vacillate between wanting to scream at him and wanting to hold him. I want to accuse him of manipulating me and I want to fall to my knees and beg him to give us another chance.
Most of all, I’m fucking furious he made me addicted to him. Made me need him.
Only to shove me out the door once again.
Truly, I hate that I don’t hate him. Not even a little bit. It’s like the night I burned his clothes, knowing I’d forgive him for anything because I love him.
That’s what I hate. Because I know if Matt calls, I’ll go running. And I can’t. I can’t be in a relationship built on secrets and lies.
Not even for him.
Even if not being with him eventually kills me.
So, I just move forward, trudging through the darkness, trying my best to keep my head above water.
But it’s hard to tread water when I’m drowning.
It doesn’t help that Jackson is upset with me as well. I thought he’d be over it by now, but I can tell he’s pissed.
I’m revising my CV, trying to look for a job, while Jackson’s nurse, Koa, walks Jackson through some physical therapy exercises. I don’t know how much longer Jackson will need a nurse, but for now, I want to make sure he’s well. That he doesn’t grow sick like he did before. And I like Koa, he’s good with Jackson, and he takes no shit from me or him.
There’s enough money in my account to last me a long time without needing to work, but I don’t want to touch it if I can help it. I’ll use it for Jackson’s care and a roof over our heads for now, but I can’t bring myself to use it for much else.
It was different when The Firm was some faceless entity. But they aren’t now. They’re Wylder, Samson, Cade, Dalton, and Harley.
And Matthias.
Let’s be real. It’s Matthias. All of this was his doing. I doubt the others had any involvement in it. That knowledge makes it both better and worse. Worse, because I can’t shift the blame onto the rest of them.
But better because I suspect Matthias was doing it to protect me. Because he wouldn’t want any of his siblings involved at all.
He wanted it to be all him. I don’t need him to confirm that. I know it as well as I know the color of his eyes and the exact pitch of his voice.
Matthias orchestrated everything.
I just wish he’d told me about it. I wish everything we’d built hadn’t been destined to fall.
What had he planned to do when the contract was up? Was he just going to let me walk away? Or was he hoping I’d never learn the truth and stay with him?
I’m not sure which theory I hate more.
Fuck, I wish I could stop thinking about him, just for a second, long enough to draw in a deep breath, to feel the oxygen finally reach the bottom of my lungs.
But I can’t.
This is the other reason why I’m updating my CV. Maybe if I have something else to occupy my mind, then Matthias won’t take up as much space.
I haven’t sent any CVs out yet. I can’t bring myself to do it. Somehow, I know Matthias will have his hand in whatever job I get. I suspect he’s already put out feelers at every law firm in St. Dismas, guaranteeing I get a position the second I apply.
The Firm controls St. Dismas, after all.
And the Buckinghams are The Firm.
It makes me realize I should’ve put in applications at other law firms when I was struggling before. I held off because of how I’d left Lawson and Buckingham. I had no references. Nothing.
Now I suspect that wouldn’t have been an issue.
It’s not the only thing holding me back either. It’s ridiculous, but deep down, I’m not sure I want to be distracted from thinking about Matthias. Being distracted means forgetting what we had. Forgetting means moving on.
I can’t. I don’t want to.
I should, but I fucking don’t.
“The vibe is off in here,” Koa says, his dark eyes moving around the room as he presses Jackson’s legs outward, stretching them.
“Yeah, my brother just broke up with his husband and is being a baby about it.”
I scoff, my fingers slipping from the keyboard.
“It’s more than that,” I murmur.
Jackson rolls his eyes. “It is, but he won’t tell me.”
My jaw clicks and I purse my lips. I won’t lash out. I won’t. I’m the older brother. I can keep it together.
“He was happy when he was with Matthias though. Now he’s a huge grump. I bet Matthias is miserable too, but Wyatt doesn’t seem to care.”
My hands freeze and my eyes close.
“Jackson. Enough.”
“I told him to call Matthias, but neither of them is trying to make this work. Even though they’d be happier together.”
“Enough!” My voice explodes from me, making Jackson and Koa freeze. “You know nothing, Jackson. Nothing. Fucking shut up about it!”
I grab my laptop and move into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I slump on the bed, my head falling into my hands as I inhale and exhale. Fuck. Fuck this. It’s too much. It’s too much.
I’m trying to hold it together, but I’m unable to do it. I can’t.
I pull out my phone and like a bad habit, I pull up pictures of Matthias and me. The two of us smiling on our honeymoon, everything about me so happy.
I was so fucking happy.
My entire body aches and I fall sideways on the bed, scrolling through more photos, and then one appears. One of me and Matthias when we were younger. I never got rid of them. Despite trying to, I never could make myself.
I used to scroll through them when I wanted to feel something.
And I’m doing the same again.
It’s one of me and Matthias lying on the ground, smiling up at the camera. So young. So naive.
I can’t help but send it to him.
A jab, I know, but I do it anyway.
He doesn’t respond, but I see he’s read the message. He’s seen what we once were. What he ruined with his lies. What he discarded when he didn’t fight harder for us.
My eyes squeeze shut and I bury my head in the pillow, darkness descending on me once more.
I miss him.
I fucking miss him.