Chapter 35
FINLEY
The lump in my throat is still throbbing. Even though I’ve spent all afternoon trying to relax, somehow I’m more wound tight now than when Eli told me to come to the spa. I keep replaying the night I met Ryker, picking the memory apart, searching for the exact moment I became so stupid.
“It’s not your fault, Amish,” Christina sighs, while Colorado’s Rockies turn into blue-black silhouettes and the last breath of daylight rims the peaks.
The spa is a rustic retreat, close to Jayden’s family’s cabin. Although it’s the holiday season, it’s busy, and there are plenty of skiers streaking down the lit-up trails.
“This shit happens all the time,” Christina says. “It’s part of being connected to someone in the media’s eye. If you’re going to make the relationship between you, Jayden, and Eli work, you need to toughen up and move on from this.”
“You should’ve seen the way Eli looked at me,” I tell her, my chest wrenching tight as I recall the anger, confusion… disappointment. “How long is it going to take me to adjust? To fit in and—”
“Seriously, stop. Okay?” She chuckles, finishing her eyeliner on screen. “I’ve lived out here all my life, and I’m not adjusted, nor do I fit in. God, look at me, I’m getting ready to go to dinner with a guy that’s—” She frowns, shakes her head. “—meh.”
“What about Matheo? The two of you… I thought…”
“Mattie and I are trouble, Fin.”
“Because you have feelings for him.”
She chuffs. “Because I’m my parents’ daughter.”
Christina goes quiet, dabbing highlighter on her cheekbones. The heaviness nudges me to change the angle.
“Jayden said you’re still welcome to come spend the holidays here if you change your mind.”
A big grin splits her face. “I’m not intruding on your family time.”
“Jayden’s family.”
“Girl, he’s your man and you’re his girl, and given you share a boyfriend between you, the whole ‘what’s yours is his, and what’s his is yours’ mantra applies.” She paints on a velvety red that makes her pale eyes pop. “Ergo, his family is your family now.”
“I’ve let them down, Tina… and I can’t shake Elijah’s chagrin. I feel so damn sick and—”
“If you feel like that. You know, if it’s eating you up like that, then you need to talk to him.”
I don’t know… “He sent me away. He practically pushed me out of the door.”
Pausing partway through blotting her lipstick, she levels me with a no-bullshit stare. “Imagine if you were him right now, and some dude from your past stole your girl’s number and shared it with a bunch of trolls. How would you feel if his shoes were on your feet?”
I study the beige fur blanket in my lap.
“All that man has ever wanted to do is protect you,” she goes on. “From your cult, your parents, his parents… Fuck, he’s done everything he can to protect you from God himself and the whole fucking world, including himself, and now this happens.”
“Christina…”
“Fuck yeah, he’s mad. At everything, and probably mostly at himself. So yeah, he pushed you out of the door because maybe he needed a moment to himself to get his head straight without the constant reminder of his failure.”
“What? No. He didn’t fail me,” I say as the balcony door slides open and Kailey steps out with two steaming cups piled high with whipped cream and sprinkles.
“Exactly. You know he didn’t. I know he didn’t. Fuck, even he knows he didn’t. Deep down, Eli knows, and maybe he needs you to walk back through the door and tell him so.” Christina smirks. “Man, I’m killing it with the romance shit tonight.”
“Thought you might need this.” Kailey laughs at her remark, settling beside me in the hanging egg seat and offering me a mug. “Chocolate cures all evil.”
“A-fucking-men,” Christina sings when I take the hot chocolate, and Kailey snuggles under the blanket with me.
“I gotta go, chica,” Christina says with a wave to Kailey. “My ride is going to be here any minute.”
“Be safe.”
“Always. Promise me you’re not going to let the bastard ruin the holidays for you. If how you left things with Eli is bothering you, go to him, talk to him, fuck him… just don’t dwell on it. Okay?”
“Sure.”
“I mean it, Finley-James. ’Tis the season for ho, ho, ho-ing, not boo-hoo-hooing.” She rolls her eyes. “That sounded a lot better in my head.”
Kailey tries and fails not to laugh.
“Make sure she doesn’t wallow.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Kailey salutes.
“See you soon… Love you, Amish,” Christina blows kisses and disappears into a waiting car. “Over and out, bishes.”
“Over and out,” Kailey laughs.
I sink into the seat, cradling the cup on my knees. Cream slides down the elf-shaped rim faster than my thumb can catch it.
“Wallow swapsies?” Kailey nudges my shoulder.
I shift to look at her. After this morning, I’ve been so in my head that I didn’t clock how tired she looks.
“Sure… but I have to warn you that I’m failing miserably at normal life, so—”
“Of course you are. I mean, your boyfriend dumped your ass after you told him you have to take a break from pro-sports, and you have a huge family of meddlers to break the news to without sounding ungrateful for all the time, money, and effort they’ve put into supporting you.
It doesn’t matter what you do, your body is working against you, so you can’t get back into competing shape without getting sick, and…
Fuck. Yeah, you’re totally failing at life.
” She side-eyes me with a grin that is all JJ, and my heart melts on cue.
My throat tightens when she scrunches her nose exactly like her brother. Her dimple pinches, and that’s all it takes for the lump in my throat to dissolve to a sting behind my eyes.
I shouldn’t have come. I need to be with my guys. There’s too much going on to enjoy the spa. Relaxing is impossible.
“Joke,” Kailey huffs. “Well, about you failing at life. The rest is all accurate.”
Kailey rarely talks about her skiing. We always drift to conversations about Jayden and their childhood, their family, his career…
Like him, she’s always got a smile and something cheerful to say, a funny observation to make.
Today, her smile is weary.
I hate it. A smile like hers, like JJ’s, should always be bright.
“You never said you have a boyfriend,” I say, sipping the thick hot chocolate so the cream stops overflowing.
“It’s not common knowledge. Wasn’t. It wasn’t common knowledge.” Kailey licks a drip up the Santa mug. “Ben is older.” Her voice dips . “He’s thirty-eight… my coach…”
Oh. “Oh. Okay.”
“Please don’t tell JJ. He would kill me and then go all torturous-psycho murderer on Ben. It would be ugly, and you’d be visiting him in jail for the rest of his life. Trust me, orange is not his color.” She blows out a raspberry. “So, what’re you wallowing about?”
“Turns out the person who sent all those messages is a guy I met at a bar. Ryker Hallman is his name, and he has some sort of grudge against me or Elijah. I don’t know… he did some voodoo magic on my phone and got my number—”
“Fucking hate NameDrop. I tried to give some asshole at a club Ben’s number as a big fuck you to him, but my contact card came up because our phones were too close together… Talk about failure.” The exaggerated roll of her eyes makes me chuckle.
“Yeah, it’s a totally crappy feature, and I didn’t know it existed… and I am na?ve enough to miss that most people come with an agenda.” The words taste bitter like my thoughts.
“Being related to or dating a pro-sportsperson is hard. People go through you to get to them all the time. And…as boggy as the grass is where you came from, it isn’t greener out here,” Kailey chuffs.
“Nope, I’m learning that it’s just a different kind of grass.”
“And way too many bitches shitting on it to avoid the crap mire.”
I take a sip. “Why do you need to take a break?”
“It’s taking me a lot longer to recover from my ACL surgery, and the longer that I’m off my normal training schedule, the harder it’s becoming to keep up with the competition. Physically and mentally.”
“You seem pretty fit to me. I saw you dashing around the ice yesterday.”
“This is me today—” She points at her black sweater: a skeleton in a Santa hat, tangled in lights and candy canes, holding a steaming cup.
“—after an hour on the ice yesterday. If I push myself too hard, the Lupus pushes back harder, and I get terrible flare-ups that ruin me for days. It’s a perpetual cycle, and I need a break from it. To focus on something else.”
“Like school?”
“Yep, school… a different city… state. I want a different environment without being too far from my family. With JJ being there, LA is perfect, and—” She smirks. “—I know his schedule is crazy, so I won’t see him all the time. He’s also got you and Eli…”
“Jayden’s always got time for you, and besides, you’d see him at home every day.” Kailey gives me a coy look that says I’m wrong. “You wouldn’t live at his place?”
She shakes her head. “I’ve lived behind JJ’s shadow all my life. I want to do this for me. To be me, not Jayden Morrow’s baby sister.”
“And skiing? Won’t you miss it?” When Eli wasn’t playing or training, he was miserable. I could feel the churn under his skin. From the sorrow in Kailey’s eyes, she loves her sport just as fiercely.
My heart aches thinking how worried Jayden will be.
“For sure. I’ve spent the last six months debating my decision with myself.
” A grimace twists her face as she sucks up the last of her cream.
“I don’t want to let anyone down, but I know that if I keep going, eventually I’ll hurt myself beyond repair.
So I need to step away and regroup, figure out what is best for me. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.”
I admire her clear-eyed logic. It makes the age gap with her coach less shocking. Like Jayden, she’s an old soul.
“Do you want to go home? Back to the cabin?” Kailey asks, setting her cup on the deck.
When I nod, she exhales. “Christmas is my favorite holiday, and being here is making me miserable.”
“Being away from Jayden and Elijah is making me feel worse about everything that’s happening,” I admit.
“Girl, same. I’m the opposite of relaxed right now. All I can think about is how last year I was making the most of the early slopes, and today I can’t fathom being on my skis with how sore my joints are from yesterday.” Taking my cup, she sets it by hers.
It’s only then that I notice the slow, jerky care she takes standing. Nothing about her physical shape hints that there’s anything wrong. Although Kailey’s slender, she’s visibly strong.
“The resort has a car service that will take us back to the cabin,” she says as we head inside to pack.
Isla left after treatments to meet their fathers at the town rink. It’s just us and their mothers here.
“Will your moms mind if we leave?” I pause.
“Nah, they’ll be grateful for the peace before the Christmas Eve mayhem tomorrow. They have to go pick up my Bibi from the airport.”
“Your Bibi is coming?”
“Yep, so brace yourself. She’s great, and so stuck in her ways that she can make things difficult.
Dad calls her the BFD. Big Friendly Drago.
Because even though she’s sweet, you have to tread carefully around her.
” She grins for real. “Don’t worry, she really is harmless and sweet.
You’ll love her, she’ll love you, and everything will be grand.
With a wink, she heads out to her moms’ room. Meanwhile, I take a moment to appreciate how good it feels to be going back to the cabin.
Returning to Eli and JJ really is going home.