20. Xed
Chapter twenty
D evon takes me riding for a few hours, weaving through the city streets until we end up at the London Bridge. It’s a stunning structure, once part of actual London before it was dismantled and shipped over. They reassembled it over Lake Havasu, and now it’s a massive tourist draw. Most of the shops are closed, so we wander along the water, smoking a joint to take the edge off. For a little while, it works. My mind drifts away from Matty and Hannah and all the chaos surrounding them.
By the time Devon drops me back at the house, it’s midnight. Everyone is asleep, the whole place quiet, and I make it halfway through the door when it hits me—I never grabbed my bag from the Benz when we arrived earlier.
I’d noticed it wasn’t in the backseat on the drive to the restaurant, either. Which leaves one possibility: Matty must’ve brought it inside. Where he put it, though, is a mystery.
Cursing under my breath, I tiptoe through the house, feeling like a goddamn creep as I press my ear to each door, trying to pinpoint Salem’s snores. Her room is probably mine, too.
All the main-level rooms are occupied, so I head upstairs, the steps groaning beneath my weight. The hallway is dim except for a light at the far end, and a door is cracked just enough for soft light to spill out. Something in my chest tightens as I walk toward it, already knowing who I’ll find inside.
Sure enough, when I push the door open with a quiet creak, Matty glances up from his spot on the bed, his phone glowing in his hand. My breath catches as my gaze snags on his bare chest, broad and glistening with a light sheen of sweat. The lamp on the nightstand casts shadows over the ridges of his abs, disappearing below the waistband of his boxers. My mouth goes dry, and I force myself to look away, silently thanking every higher power that he’s alone because a naked Valerie would make me puke.
“Just grabbing my bag,” I manage to say, clearing my throat when I spot it in the corner near a small dresser. “Do you know what room Salem’s in?”
“Christian and Arya’s, I think.” His voice is low, a rasp catching on the words. “They’re sharing a twin bed.”
Well...shit. No room for me then.
“What about Jenna and Hannah?” I ask, trying to mask my growing discomfort.
“Same thing,” he replies, rubbing the back of his neck. “Though Hannah isn’t here right now, my parents took her for a slumber party on their boat. Most of the rooms have a twin except this one and the loft. Tyson’s up there, and Valerie has some air mattresses in her room for her friends.”
“So…where the fuck am I supposed to sleep? In the lake?”
Matty shrugs, patting the bed next to him like it’s no big deal, before going back to scrolling on his phone. My fists clench at my sides.
“No. Hell no. I’m not sharing a bed with you, Matthew. ”
His eyes snap to mine, surprise flashing in them before his expression darkens, his jaw tightening. “Why not? We’ve done it before.”
“You know why.”
He drops his phone onto his lap with a sigh, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Every other room is claimed. What else are you going to do, sleep on the floor?”
Yeah, maybe.
But when I glance at the ancient carpet, I grimace. “I’ll just sleep in the Benz with the air conditioning.”
Snatching my bag and his keys off the dresser, I quickly leave the room. Cool night air hits me as I step outside and reach the SUV. After starting the engine, I climb into the back, lowering the seats to lie down. I’ve barely managed to kick off my jeans when the back door yanks open, making me yelp.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Matty stands there in a pair of sweats, arms full. Without waiting for an invitation, he climbs in beside me. “This is my car, man. And you forgot the pillows and blanket.”
A pillow lands in my face as he stretches out on his back, taking up too much room in the already cramped space.
Huffing in frustration, I yank my jeans back on but leave my shirt off. “Go back inside. I don’t want you here.”
“Too bad,” he shoots back, closing his eyes as he gets comfortable. “It’s fucking hot in there, and as I’ve stated, this is my car. If anyone’s leaving, it’s you.”
“Goddammit,” I mutter, rolling away from him and crossing my arms as I seethe silently.
The silence stretches between us, broken only by the soft hum of music from the speakers. Through the sunroof, stars twinkle against the velvet sky, and somewhere in the distance, an owl hoots. The sound sends a suffocating wave of nostalgia through me.
“Remember that Boy Scout trip?” Matty asks softly, remembering the same things I am. Our minds have always been in sync.
Sighing heavily, I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling, sadness tightening my chest. “Yeah.”
His chuckle is quiet, almost wistful, making my heart hurt. “I was so scared. We were lost the whole night.”
“Luckily, we had our tent and packs with us. You wouldn’t even sleep because you were so freaked out about red ants.”
He shudders, turning to glare at me. “You would be too if you’d ever been bitten by one of those bastards. Shit burned like hell.”
“Yeah, and you got bit on the nuts, too,” I laugh despite myself, the memory breaking through the tension. “How the hell did that even happen again?”
“Hell, if I know. I think it crawled up my leg or something.”
We fall silent, the memories of that trip settling over us. We were eleven. Just kids back then.
“You held me all night until I fell asleep,” he murmurs, his voice barely audible over the music. “And you held my hand the entire hike back to camp the next morning.”
“What’s your point, Matty?”
That I’ve always been there for you? That I’ve always made you my priority, even when I shouldn’t have?
“I just…miss you. Our friendship.”
Yeah. Me too. But it was always more than friendship for me.
“I can’t do this,” I mutter, rolling over again so my back is to him. “It hurts too much. Can we just go to sleep?”
He’s quiet for a long moment before speaking. “I never wanted to hurt you, Ducky.”
Inhaling sharply, I rub at the ache spreading through my chest. “Yeah. But you did.”
“So tell me how to fix it,” he says desperately, shifting closer until I can feel his warmth against my back. “Please. I want you in my life, Xed. I…I need you.”
But not the way I need you.
“What am I supposed to do, Matthew?” My voice cracks as I sit up slightly, running a hand over my face. “Stand by and watch the guy I’m in love with build a life with someone else? Are you seriously asking me to do that?”
The silence that follows is deafening. “Y-you… we’re best friends, Xed. Of course, we love each other, but that’s not–”
“Your head is so far up your own ass, it’s ridiculous.” I whip around to face him, my voice rising despite my best efforts. “I love you, Matty. I’ve been in love with you for most of our lives. Why did you think I took it so hard when you left?”
The words hang heavy in the air. He doesn’t respond—just stares at me, his lips parting and closing like he’s trying to find the words but can’t.
“Did you really not realize?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper, my chest tight with disbelief.
His wide, glittering eyes meet mine, trembling as he shakes his head.
And somehow, that makes it worse.
He didn’t know. He never knew.
Which means he never felt the same way.
And that realization completely shatters me .
“I see.” Exhaling through my nose to keep myself from bursting at the seams, I roll back over and yank the blanket over my head like it can shield me from this conversation. “Well, it doesn’t matter now. Day after tomorrow, you’ll be a married man. Hannah will have her mom and dad, and you’ll all disappear happily into the sunset. But I won’t be a part of it.”
He gasps, his voice laced with panic. “What does that mean?”
“Hannah doesn’t need me anymore. She has you and Valerie." I spit her name like poison, the taste bitter on my tongue.
“That’s not true,” he scoffs indignantly, shifting closer until I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. “She’ll always need you, Xed. You’re her favorite person. Are you seriously telling me right now that you’d cut all ties with her? Hurt her like that?”
“I’d never hurt her.”
“You would if you left her life.” His voice softens, pleading now. “I can promise you that.”
But what else am I supposed to do? I love Hannah like my own, but every second here, every second pretending I’m okay with this, is fucking killing me.
I open my mouth to respond, but the back door is yanked open for the second time, the sound startling us both. Matty rolls away from me with a squeal, his elbow smacking my forehead as I sit up.
“I cannot believe you fuckers are out here without me.” Salem climbs in and flops between us, wearing nothing but a sports bra and men’s boxers, shutting the door behind her with a loud thud. “It’s hot as hell inside.”
Huffing in annoyance when she wraps her arms around me, I cut her a sharp look. “What happened to rooming with Arya and Christian? ”
“They’re fucking. Taylor and Huckslee are fucking. Everybody’s fucking. I came looking for you because you’re anti-fuck.”
Matty’s wide-eyed gaze locks with mine over her head, his face turning red as I bristle under the blanket.
“I am not anti-fuck.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” she grunts, reaching back to drape Matty’s arm over her. “I’ve never so much as seen your dick wiggle in any direction.”
Heat floods my cheeks as Matty lets out an awkward cough, and I quickly turn away to hide my reaction. “It just hasn’t found its person yet.”
Well, it has. But that person doesn’t want it. And she knows this.
Salem snorts into my shoulder. “Aw, your dick is selective. That’s really cute.”
“Shut up and go to sleep,” I grumble, burying my face into the pillow.
She snickers but thankfully doesn’t press further. Neither does Matty, but the tension is thick in the following silence. I can tell by how his breathing never evens out that he’s still awake.
And he stays that way long after Salem and I have drifted off to sleep.