17. Haley
17
HALEY
“ H aley!” Eli called after me, but I couldn’t face him.
Traitorous tears stung behind my lids. I’d be damned if I cried over him. The last time I let myself break down and cry over him was years ago, when the bullying began.
But this…
This was far worse than any prank or teasing or name calling.
“You were dared to bring me to this dance?” I whirled around, suddenly needing to scream at him. I wanted him to see every bit of wrath on my face and know that all that sweet bullshit he’d tried to feed me wasn’t going to stick.
I’d just confessed that I had thought wrong of him. That I’d assumed he was a horrible guy but was swayed to learn the “real” him.
I already knew the “real” Eli. The bully. The asshole who took a dare to sleep with me at this lame dance!
I strode back to him, fisting my hands until my nails cut my skin and bled. That familiar sensation of self-inflicted pain didn’t work this time. It didn’t ground me or soothe me at all. Fury ran through my veins, and there was no stopping this tidal force of anger.
“Like I said before, loser ,” Preston said behind Eli. “You’re fucked.”
“No.” Eli volleyed his attention between me and Preston, shaking his head at us both. “Wait. I?—”
Preston laughed, backing up and shaking his head. “No, Young. You didn’t deliver. The deal’s off.” Cupping his hands around his mouth, he enunciated, “You’re fucked.”
“Preston—”
The rich jerk turned and laughed harder, holding his hand out to another guy to do some high-five sort of fist bump as they moved to the other side of the room to exit.
“You can’t—” Eli shut up, cut off when I reached him and shoved at him.
I didn’t even want to know the sordid details of this dare or deal. Learning how much I was “worth” would be salt in the wound.
After I pushed Eli, I advanced on him, so pissed, so angry, so twisted with scorn, I could barely breathe.
“That’s why you wanted to bring me here. Why you wanted to act like you were a friend of mine.”
“No. Haley, I wasn’t acting?—”
“You think I’m going to believe that bullshit?” I shook my head. “You think I’m that gullible?”
“It’s not?—”
“No!” I slashed my hand through the air, sick of his trying to coax me and swindle me. I knew better, dammit. He couldn’t have duped me when I damn well knew better. He’d shown me his true colors years ago, and I’d been so blinded by this fallacy of desire that I fell hook, line, and sinker.
“I knew there had to be some kind of game you were playing. Some reason you wanted to fake this attraction and act like?—”
“It wasn’t an act!” He reached for my hand, but I yanked it out of his grasp.
“Fuck you, Eli. And take it to heart that I sincerely mean it when I say I hate you.”
With that last word, I turned and left. He didn’t chase after me, and even if he did, I would’ve run faster.
“I knew it. I fucking knew it,” I muttered to myself as I stormed out of there.
I no longer cared who saw me. They’d all pointed and looked, gossiped and watched. All these people witnessed my being here as Eli’s date, and now they could have another show as I left alone.
I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to shake my head and deny that he’d played me—or almost tried to play me.
He didn’t care.
He never had.
It was all a fucking dare.
I ran to the coat check and got my coat. Since I was leaving so early, there was no line. Within a couple more minutes that felt like forever, I had my keys out of my pocket and I was sprinting outside. Not bothering to put my coat on, so hot with anger that I didn’t need it anyway, I got into Aunt Cindy’s rusty minivan, put it into gear, and drove away as fast as I could.
Then I let the tears fall. With no one to see and not a soul to watch me at my worst, I let it all out as I drove home.
Scalding hot tears streamed over my cheeks, and I didn’t bother to wipe them away.
It hurt . More than any tease or taunt, more than all the jokes and pranks and accusations.
This time, it ached deep in my chest because I’d so badly wanted to believe him. I’d been so desperate for something real and true that I dismissed my concerns for too long.
My anger and sorrow swarmed in my mind, making the entire way home nothing but a blur. Once I arrived, I stayed as quiet as possible while I got inside and headed up to my room. Aunt Cindy didn’t need to see me like this. No one did. She slept through my return, likely getting a solid night of sleep with a sleeping aid for the first time in a long while.
Aiming for my bathroom, I zoned out and kept my thoughts as blank as possible. If I allowed myself to think, the fury and sadness would consume me. Instead, I stripped out of my dress and stood in the shower stall to take a long shower of the hottest water I could allow.
If only I could rinse the night away. If only I could go back in time and tell Eli to fuck off the first time he spoke to me. If only I could erase that night I’d helped him with his injuries and started to care.
Because he doesn’t care about me.
That was a fact now, and the harder I tried to avoid letting that thought take root in my mind, the calmer I felt.
Pink and raw from my shower, I trudged to bed and flopped down on the mattress. Spent and worn ragged from the emotional roller coaster of the night, I dropped into an instant sleep, fortunately free of him .
In the morning, I woke with puffy eyes from crying and a lingering headache from all the stress. Even in sleep, my mind hadn’t really calmed. I was greeting the sun with a sour mood and a dejected attitude.
I saw no reason to even get up.
Aunt Cindy had already left for a girls’ trip with someone she used to work with. She didn’t go out often, but this weekend was her little outing. Since I didn’t have classes over the weekend, I wouldn’t need to go anywhere and she could have the minivan all night and into tomorrow. Even if I had someplace to go, I wouldn’t, not with how horrible I had to look. If I looked as awful as I felt, I’d be in for a shock when I faced a mirror.
After I got up and made myself some coffee, I let all the memories of last night crash through me. Reliving the emotions riled me up all over again, and I dropped my head to my arms folded on the table.
My stomach twisted from all the stress, and I cringed at having to go back to school and face Eli again.
I’d been hanging on to the mantra of ignoring the hard stuff and toughing it out until graduation. Well, now I had more hardships to endure to get there.
I sat up when my neck began to ache from this position, and I idly reached for my phone. I put it on silent last night, and I checked the text and call log.
Eli hadn’t contacted me once. No call or voicemail. Zero texts.
Nothing.
Plenty of texts, missed calls, and voicemails were waiting for me from Davina. I assumed that meant she knew. But I didn’t have the energy to talk to her yet.
Instead, it looked like I’d need to talk to someone else.
A fist pounded on the front door, and I groaned. I didn’t want to see anyone. No visitors were expected today, and I wasn’t sure of a delivery coming.
I pushed to stand, not bothering to put something else on other than my robe and pajamas. Heading to the door slowly, I yawned and willed myself to put one foot in front of the other.
I opened the door and stared at the woman and man on my porch. It’d been a long time since I saw Mr. and Mrs. Young this close. I’d passed them in Marsten, but I’d never tried to talk to them, not before Eli became a bully or after.
“Hello?” I asked, unsure why these strict, judgy people would be bothering me now.
Mr. Young scowled at me, eyeing me up and down like I was filth. “You can’t even have the decency to put clothes on?”
I narrowed my eyes, too angry to remember my usual rules of staying quiet and avoiding trouble. “What do you want?”
“We want you to stay away from our son!” Mrs. Young demanded, planting her fists on her hips.
Mr. Young shook his finger at me. “You hear her? You stay away from Eli. We don’t approve of you and your kind.”
I crossed my arms, staring them down. “My kind ?”
“You know what I mean,” he snarled. “Everyone knows the Feldstones are nothing but liars and cheats.”
“And whores,” his wife added. “And that is why we can’t, nor ever will, approve of you with Eli.”
I had every right to order them out of here. I could’ve let my anger spill over and rage at them to get off my aunt’s property.
How dare they come here and slander me?
How dare they try to insinuate that I was less than, not good enough for Eli?
Clearly, I was good enough to be bet on with Preston, but nothing more.
I laughed. It started as a light chuckle but almost evolved into a full-blown, hysterical snort-laugh.
They wanted to come here and tell me off for being with Eli.
Well, the joke was on them. I wasn’t with him. They must have tracked him enough. And maybe someone at that dance last night posted stuff about my being there with him as a date to that formal.
But that was it.
“Don’t mock me,” Mrs. Young scolded.
“I’m not mocking you. I’m laughing at how ridiculous your claim is.”
Mr. Young growled. “No. It’s not ridiculous.”
“I’ve read all kinds of posts last night and again this morning,” she protested. “And they all show that you went to that dance with Eli.”
I shrugged. “But I’ve never been with him.” None of it was real. It was all just a damn joke. A dare. “So if you’ll excuse me,” I said and stepped back until I gripped the door. “Goodbye.”
Slamming the door shut felt so good. It made me feel triumphant for just a second.
When I turned to face the empty, quiet house again, my mood plummeted again.
It hurt so much.
He’d lied to me. He’d duped me when it all felt so real.
Needing something to force me out of dwelling on my emotions and letting them control me, I took another long, scalding-hot shower until I couldn’t take it anymore.
After I showered again, I opted not to wander through the house like a lost animal.
I called Davina back, and she checked on how I was doing. How I was faring. Just as I suspected, she’d read about it and heard about it from last night. Lots of posts were shared online, and many opinionated comments were racking up.
While her comforting words were a kind gesture, I valued her questions or heated opinions more than the platitudes.
“And it sounds like that’s not the worst half,” she complained. “I can’t believe the other half of the dare was that he’d have to sleep with you. That’s wrong no matter how you look at it.”
I sighed, rubbing my tired eyes. “And the irony is that I would have. Not at that dance, but somewhere with him. I would’ve given him my V-card. I did want him.”
“At least you know now not to bother lusting after him.”
I frowned, closing my eyes as I struggled with something to say to that. Of course, she’d come to my defense and warn me away from Eli.
It wasn’t just lust, though.
I couldn’t explain it, not to her or even to myself. It was hard not to feel so alive when I was with Eli. With his understanding that I liked a little pain and had to be pushed to feel calm and safe near him, I felt accepted for the first time in years.
No more.
I was too hurt to think about forgiving him.
It was loneliness for me again, that and a chaser of self-loathing and regret that I ever fell for his tricks at all.
Hang in there.
You’ll be out of here before you know it.
And you’ll never have to see him again.