Chapter 16
CHAPTER
SIXTEEN
EMERSON
I grabbed a coffee and muffin from the college coffee bar and sat under a tree in the quad. It was quiet with students in class, so I soaked up the silence, letting my mind calm. The longer I sat outside, the better I felt, and I slowly returned to my normal state.
The cuts on my hands and arms stung. I hadn’t felt them at the time. Running my fingers over the small nicks, I basked in the pain. For once, my outward appearance matched how I felt on the inside. I wouldn’t inflict any wounds on myself, but I understood why people did it now.
Remembering how Holden had taken care of them confused me. It hadn’t felt like a tactic, but what else could it be? He admitted I was the enemy. Ignoring that clusterfuck, I pulled out my notebook to review my notes and found Cody’s message on a blank page.
If you ever want to talk, I’m a good listener—no judgment—Cody.
Plugging his number into my phone, I hesitated, but decided to go for it.
Emerson: Hey
Cody: Emerson?
Emerson: Yeah
Cody: You okay?
Emerson: No. But I will be.
Emerson: Thanks for not stealing my stuff.
Cody: I plan to copy your homework, so it wouldn’t benefit me to steal from you.
Emerson: Good to know, homework thief.
Cody: I believe it’s called ‘group project.’
Emerson: I knew there was a reason I hated that word.
I laughed. Cody made it easy, and I liked that about him. I was glad he hadn’t turned out to be a typical douchey jock.
Cody: I have football practice every afternoon, but we can meet after.
Cody: Which dorm do you live in? Or, since you’re an upperclassman, do you live off-campus?
Emerson: I live off campus, but it’s not in Darlington.
Emerson: What time is your practice over? I have a dance team practice later.
Cody: Well, damn, girl. Holding out on me. Didn’t know I was talking to a Wolfette.
Emerson: That’s because I’m not. Not really. I’m the alternate.
Emerson: Which means I get to be Wolfie.
Cody: That’s badass.
Cody: My buddy said the dance team practices next to the football field. I can grab you after.
Emerson: Sure. Thanks again for bringing my stuff.
Emerson: And for holding Colter back. I did need space.
Cody: I know we just met, but I’m your friend if you need one. I got you.
Tears lined my lids, and I blinked them away. Cody had been unexpected, but I wouldn’t push away a friend.
Suddenly, the fear he was a Hope plant hit me, and I hated the doubt that rose.
Emerson: Do you know Hope Adler?
Cody: Never heard of her.
Emerson: Promise?
Cody: I promise, Emerson.
Cody: Is she the one?
Somehow, I knew he meant the bully. That recognition in his eyes had spoken to the pain inside me.
Emerson: Yeah. I’ll tell you more later if you’re interested.
Cody: Whatever you need. Don’t feel like you’re required.
That simple acknowledgement told me he got it, and I wanted to share with him.
Emerson: I’m glad the only open seat was next to you.
Cody: Me too, Emerson.
Cody: And I’m sorry if my words made you feel unwanted.
Cody: It’s not that at all. I’ll explain later. It’s not a text convo.
Emerson: Okay. I’ll see you after practice, Cody.
Cody: Later, Emerson.
Cody: If anything happens, you can text me before then. XX
A weight lifted off my chest, and I took a deep breath. I could do this. I’d make it through this day and have one day down on this campus.
Opening my laptop, I deleted the email from the anonymous sender, deciding I didn’t need to relive whatever she sent. There was also an email from the advisor I’d messaged about the independent study, agreeing to take me on. They wanted to meet tomorrow at the library. Feeling relieved, I replied with the times I was available.
The bell rang again some time later, and students filled the quad, disturbing my peace, so I packed up my belongings and headed to my next class.
Thankfully, there were no surprises during English 310. I got a couple of looks, but they turned away the moment I met their eyes. With each minute where nothing awful happened, I built up my confidence and strength.
At lunch, I avoided the cafeteria—I knew my limits—and ate a sandwich I grabbed from a cart outside and spent my afternoon in the library working on my English assignment. When I got to a good place, I pulled out my notebook and wrote down some new ideas for punishing Hope.
I didn’t run into Holden or Colter again, which gave me time to prepare myself for the inevitable this afternoon when I saw them both and Hope.
I changed in the library bathroom and met the team outside a minute before practice started. Again, I’d learned to restrict my access to Hope and avoid areas where she could corner me.
The look on her face when I strolled up would fuel me for days. Damn, I wished I’d captured it on camera so I could look at it all the time.
“What the fuck is she doing here? You said she was the mascot!” she shouted at Kimmy. I’d learned that Kimmy and Leigh were the captains from the welcome email I received over the weekend with the schedule. I hated that they were friends with Hope.
“She’s the alternate, Hope,” Leigh said, her tone bored. “She has to know the dances in case she’s needed.”
Hope glared daggers, unable to deny Leigh, and I smiled my first real smile all day. Damn. Revenge felt good.
I spotted the two girls from the audition and walked over. Kara hadn’t been friendly, but I figured my odds with the new girls were better than those already poisoned against me by Hope. However, Kara ignored me and moved up a row, but Jenny smiled and nodded for me to take the mat next to hers.
“Thanks.”
“No problem. Emerson, right?”
“Yep. Jenny?” She nodded.
While Hope continued to throw a hissy fit, I stretched out on the mat and focused on my muscles. The sound of feet pounding the ground grew loud, accompanied by male voices and then whistles. I glanced over my shoulder, shielding my eyes from the sun, and spotted the football team doing laps around the track. My mouth went dry when I spotted Holden.
Great googly-moogly.
Why was he so hot? No guy should be that sexy. Though, his attitude could use an upgrade. Arrogant ass.
As if he could feel my eyes, he glanced over, and our gazes locked. But unlike before, where heat and desire swirled, I found nothing. Swallowing, I dropped his gaze and almost choked on my tongue when I spotted who ran next to him.
Of course, they were friends. I really should’ve put that together sooner.
Colter’s golden skin shone with sweat in the sunlight, and I took the opportunity to check him out. Hot damn. Swallowing hard, my eyes traveled down his body, and I gripped the grass beside me. He wasn’t as defined as Holden— but let’s be honest, who was? Colter had lean muscles and was stocky. His football pants hugged his legs, and I got hot at the sight of his backside when he passed by. Holy crap, he had a nice butt.
“Not a bad view, huh?” Jenny asked, drawing my attention.
“I’ve had worse.” We both laughed, and the nerves I had about practice settled. Leigh called everyone to attention, taking us all through a stretching regimen. With how she stood up to Hope, it seemed I had her to thank for making the team.
“I take it you know Hope?” Jenny whispered, bending down to touch her toes.
“Unfortunately. Step-sister, but she’s hated me long before we had that title.”
“Juicy.”
I grunted. That was one way to put it.
After that, we didn’t talk, as Leigh, Brittney, and Kimmy took us through a routine. It was simple, and I quickly picked it up, amazed at some of the older girls who struggled. The more I watched the dancers, the more it seemed like skill was only a small component of being selected. They weren’t bad, but every member of my dance crew at Brighton could dance circles around the majority of these girls. I guess popularity contests never died.
Two hours later, sweat coated my body, and my skin had pinked where the sun beat down on it. I’d need to wear sunscreen for the next practice, or I’d get burned.
“Grab some water and pop a squat,” Leigh told the group. I did as she asked, staying in the back next to Jenny. “Great first practice, but many of you need to step it up. Most of the girls who auditioned on Friday could out-dance you right now. If you want to keep your spot, you need to be training on your own time, or I’ll host a mid-season tryout and replace you with dancers who deserve to be here.” Her eyes met mine, and my respect for her grew.
“She doesn’t want me to tell anyone, but Leigh’s my step-sister. Thankfully, she’s not a bitch like yours.” My eyes widened at her statement. Jenny chuckled around her water. “She’s wanted to take the team to Nationals for years, but until this year, she didn’t have the voting power. I was glad she fought to keep you on the team.” She knocked her shoulder into mine, and I smiled, feeling like I might actually have two allies on the Wolfettes.
Leigh reviewed expectations, costume fittings, and when the first game was. I zoned out, knowing I wouldn’t need to know any of it since I’d be Wolfie. She dismissed everyone after that, and I bent over to gather the equipment. Wolf whistles and laughter sounded out behind us.
“New meat, guys!”
“Hey, honey, what’s your name?”
“Shake that fat ass in my face, sweetie.”
I straightened, my face flaming when I realized who they were talking to. They laughed, and I tried to ignore them, used to guys talking about my body like I wasn’t a person. I pulled on my shirt to cover my stomach, but it was difficult with my hands shaking.
“You might suffocate me if you sat on my face, but what a way to go!”
“Shut the fuck up, Evans. If I hear another word, everyone’s doing suicides.”
Wait… Holden? But why ?
I shook my head. It didn’t matter. He’d push me before the firing squad the second I trusted him.
A few dancers giggled and skipped over to the group of guys. They twirled their hair, flirted with the jocks, and touched their arms. I didn’t know if I’d ever be confident enough to walk up to a guy and just start touching him. My eyes sought out Colter, and my heart sank. Hope stood in front of him, batting her eyelashes at him. But it was the hand on his arm that got to me.
Heart in my throat, I chose mercy and didn’t glance at Holden. There was no way I could handle seeing him flirt openly with any of the girls who’d been cruel to me.
“I heard if you need someone to rock your world, he’s the guy to do it,” Jenny whispered .
“What? Who?” I glanced at her and followed her line of sight. It was on Colter.
“The tight-end. He’s like some kind of gigolo, without the payment part. He never dates anyone for more than one date, but leaves you so satisfied that you don’t even care. There’s even a rumor that once you’ve taken a ride, you become a bride. Not sure how true that is, but it’s what girls are saying.”
Color leached from my face, and I could feel a panic attack coming on. I had to get out of here. Picking up my bag, I jerked when an arm landed around my shoulders.
“It’s just me,” Cody said. “Walk with me.”
I relaxed and let him guide me away from the crowd. It wasn’t until we were in front of the athletic complex that I could finally breathe.
“There are some days I hate being me,” I whispered. It was my private shame, a truth I held close to the chest. But I didn’t have anything left to keep it at bay.
“I know we were going to study, but how about we grab food and you tell me about today?”
I nodded, wiping tears away. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
He grimaced. “Do you have a car?”
I laughed and nodded. “Yeah. I got ya.”
“I hit the jackpot befriending you. A hot older girl with a car on my first day! The rest of the year’s gotta lot to prove.”
“You’re ridiculous.” He gave me a big grin. Somehow, I knew he wasn’t hitting on me, but it felt nice to hear.
When we got to my car, I was amazed to find the rose massacre cleaned up. I guess Hayward took their lawn maintenance seriously.
“Sweet ride.” Cody whistled when I popped the trunk. I shrugged, not understanding the appeal, but guys always commented on it.
“It’s just a car. ”
“It’s just a car,” he scoffed. “Yeah, okay, and the Mona Lisa is just a painting.”
“I mean, it is. Have you seen it? It’s just a woman.”
Cody’s jaw hung open, and I laughed. “Next, you’re gonna tell me you think the northern lights are just stars.”
“Never. Those are sacred. It was one of the last vacations I had with my mom.”
“Thank fuck. I was worried our budding friendship was about to die.” I rolled my eyes at his dramatics, but I’d already forgotten about the comments on the field. “Now, about this car you say is just a car. This, my dancing queen, is an Audi…”
Cody continued to lecture me about my car the whole way to the restaurant. I nodded along, smiled, and promised to let him drive it someday. But under no circumstances did I tell him it was more than a car.
“Fuck yes!” he shouted when he saw where I’d pulled up to.
“Fan of tacos?”
“Duh. It’s up there with your car on things I love.”
“I forgive you for all the car comments, then.”
Cody laughed, and we walked into the small restaurant. Tacos Socat was a local college spot, but since it was early, it wasn’t full of Hayward students yet. Popular music played overhead, and I bopped along to it as we waited in line. We both ordered a taco sampler and took our water to a table in the back.
“All right, babe, spill the tea. Give Cody all the deets.”
I sighed and picked up a taco, taking one heavenly bite before telling him my long, sordid history with Hope, meeting Holden, and finally, Colter. I didn’t leave anything out. I told him things I hadn’t even shared with Taylor. I wanted to feel embarrassed, but Cody had a way of making me say things I thought I’d take to my grave and be okay with it .
“So, yeah, that brings us to today.” I played with the fallen lettuce, worried I’d dumped too much on my new friend.
“Shit, Emerson. That’s a lot. I can’t believe you never told anyone.” I opened my mouth, but he stopped me. “No, I get it.” His voice softened, and he lowered it. “I was bullied in middle school and half of high school. It got so bad I tried to take my life one day.”
Cody cleared his throat, and I moved closer, taking his hand. He smiled softly, his brown eyes warm.
“End of my sophomore year, I had a growth spurt and bulked up. I returned to school and made the football team, and everyone was suddenly my friend. Apparently, the team had a selective memory of my cool status, ignoring the years before I was one of them. But I never forgot. Every day, I waited for it to be the day they remembered, for the bullying to return. I hope that feeling goes away, but so far…” Cody shrugged his shoulders, his eyes downcast.
It was the most withdrawn I’d seen him since we’d met. It was a pain I knew all too well. It was what I’d recognized in him.
“I think part of me thought if I made the dance team, I’d have that high school moment where I became popular and everyone would love me,” I admitted. “But Hope will never let that happen. Case in point.”
“Something tells me you don’t even really want to be on the dance team.”
I sighed. This guy. He just got me. “Are you adopted? Because I feel like you’re my long-lost little brother.”
Cody laughed, nudging my shoulder. “Answer.”
I rolled my eyes. “So annoying.” I expelled a breath. “No. I don’t really, but it’s something I can take from Hope, and that’s giving me a purpose right now.”
“I think we could help each other. I, uh, have another secret. ”
“If it’s that you’re adopted, I’m not giving you my car.”
Cody laughed, but his smile didn’t reach all the way to his eyes. Sitting up, I took a serious note. “You can tell me. I won’t say anything.”
His warm brown eyes met mine. “I know. I trust you, Emerson.” He leaned closer to whisper. “The reason why I said ‘it wasn’t like that’ wasn’t because I don’t find you attractive. You’re a solid ten, babe. It’s because… well, um, I’m gay.”
“Damn, now I feel like a fool. Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m guessing you’re not out publicly if it’s a secret?”
“My family knows, but you’re the first person I’ve come out to. Being gay and playing sports is complicated.”
I nodded, squeezing his hand. “I’m honored, Cody.” He smiled, and I saw the real him for the first time. The scared boy worried his teammates would bully him again if they knew the real him.
“You shared your truth with me, so I wanted to share mine with you. I’m really glad I met you today. It’s been hard coming to a school where I don’t know anyone. I thought it would be easier to leave all the bullying behind, but I didn’t consider how scary it would be not to have anyone.”
“Yeah, I got lucky when I met Taylor during my freshman year at Brighton. We instantly became best friends. I would’ve come home midterm if it weren’t for her.”
“I knew you’d get it. I just had this feeling about you.” He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my cheek. “Shit. Okay, so, remember how I said we could help each other?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, Lovers 1 and 2 just walked in, and they’re giving me death glares.”
“It’s not like that,” I protested. Cody gave me a look that said I was delusional, so I stopped. “Fine. What’s your plan?”
“Just follow my lead, Peanut.”
“Don’t call me that,” I mumbled .
“Too late. It’s a thing.”
I could feel his grin as we gathered our stuff and dumped it in the bin. I focused on what we were doing, not allowing myself to see if anyone was with them. I knew it wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t face Colter right now. There were so many things he hadn’t told me, and to find him connected to Holden felt too raw. Add in Hope and the rumors Jenny told me, and I knew I’d cry if I looked at him.
Before we could make it out the door, a body blocked our path. “Mer, can we talk?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I whispered.
“We’re headed out, Donovan.”
“Why won’t you look at me?” he asked, ignoring Cody. Colter’s voice was so hesitant it broke my heart.
“Listen, man, it’s not a good time.”
“I’m talking to Mer, Rivers. Respect your captain.”
Cody opened his mouth, but I placed a hand on his chest, stopping him. I didn’t want him to sacrifice his place on the team. With confidence I didn’t feel, I lifted my head and met Colter’s eyes. Gold overpowered them this time, and I filed it away. Blue for when he was happy, gold when he was sad… or angry?
“I…” Words left me as fear took over, the feeling of rejection still too close to my chest. When the song switched and familiar bass notes played through the speakers, I looked to where Holden stood, and our eyes met briefly.
Gone was the dark blue I’d fallen into that night and, with it, the electrical current that had connected us.
The vacancy was too much, and I broke our stare and ran out the door. I might not be running from Hope anymore, but there was only so much I could withstand in a day, and I’d just hit my limit.
Cody followed, taking the keys from me and driving us back to campus while I broke down in the car for the third time today.
Tomorrow.
I’d rise to fight again tomorrow.