20. Brennan
twenty
Brennan
Three Days Later
S omething’s off.
It’s been this way since I arrived in Seattle a few days ago.
Astrid sits on the edge of her bed, brushing her hair. I’m leaning against the bathroom doorway, watching her. There’s been a strange sense of unease this weekend. Not quite tension. More like there’s something she wants to say to me but doesn’t feel she can because she knows I’m stressed about Cillian’s situation on top of everything else.
Or, maybe, she’s having second thoughts about us.
Either way, I’m avoiding the discussion.
The thing is, I’m pretty sure I know what’s bugging her. I have to go back to California tomorrow and she and I haven’t fallen back into the pattern we established when she stayed with me down there last month.
Up here, I haven’t made time for our walks. Fun chats are few and far between. We’ve eaten dinner together maybe once. No bad TV watching or even cuddles on the couch.
Mostly, we fuck when we’re together. Otherwise, not connecting on an intimate level.
And, it’s all my fault.
To be fair, in preparation for this IPO announcement next week, I’ve been caught up with work nonstop. Long, grueling Zoom meetings with the board, the executive team and lawyers. There’s so much to the process, I had no idea.
Astrid’s busy too. She has mammoth listings to prepare for and spends countless hours creating marketing materials and arranging for open houses. Researching property values in different neighborhoods and how this corresponds to sales. Figuring out what the latest hot amenities are. Stuff like that.
Sensing me watching her, she looks at me through the mirror. Her eyes scan my face like she’s trying to figure out what I’m thinking. It’s funny, how easily she can read me. She’s broken most of my walls down. From the beginning.
I step tentatively into the room. “You ready?”
She shrugs and sets the brush down on the dresser. “Yeah. I guess.”
“I’m glad you’re coming.” I sit beside her and wrap my arm around her shoulder. Rest my cheek against hers. I meet her eyes in the mirror. “Full house tonight.”
Astrid takes a deep breath. “I’m not sure I should go.”
“Why not?” I can’t disguise my surprise.
Astrid turns to face me. “Because you’ll be talking about Cillian’s situation and it’s none of my business.”
“What do you mean?” I freeze for a second, taken aback. It’s not what I expected her to say. At all.
“I mean,” she purses her lips thoughtfully, “I loved meeting your mom, dad, and Seamus. But dinner with your entire family is a big deal. It’s a statement. The thing is, we may be at a crossroads in this relationship. You’ve been on the phone all weekend, working. You’re leaving for California tomorrow. I think we need to have a real conversation about us and what this is before I’ll feel comfortable being there.”
Shit . I’ve fucked up. I get so caught up in my own shit, forgetting to pay attention to what really matters. I run a hand through my hair, trying to collect my thoughts.
“I thought…” I’m unsure of how to explain myself. “I thought you’d want to be there with me. We’re a couple, I mean…”
She crosses her arms and her brows knit together. “I do want to be there for you. I can’t deny it’s been different between us, B.”
This is not something I can ignore. Astrid means too much.
I step even closer, unfurl her arms and take her hands in mine. “I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind. I don’t want there to be any doubt—I’m in this ten thousand percent. I love you, A. I want us to be together.”
“Me too, but what does being together mean?” She looks uncertain. “Our time in California was the best time in my life, but you’re leaving tomorrow. Back into the abyss of all the shit going on with your company. I’m heading into my busy season in another month. Is this going to work?”
Her words hit me hard. “Whoa.”
“You made a real effort before I visited you. Which is why I visited you.” She looks down at the floor glumly. “I don’t want to float through whatever we are. Other than when we’re having sex, you and I haven’t spent any quality time together this trip. None.”
I fucking knew it. She’s got a valid point. I’ve been so focused on the company and my brother’s situation, I’ve ignored her subtle hints about grabbing coffee. Going up to The Zoo to play pool. Watching Love Island together.
Maybe they weren’t so subtle.
“I fucked up.” I shake my head. “I want this. I want us. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work.”
Astrid watches me carefully, searching my face like she’s waiting for the real answer. I get it—she’s been here before. In her past, she’s been with powerful men who took and took from her. Made promises they didn’t keep.
But I’m not those guys, I’m gonna marry this woman. Have a family with her.
Just as soon as I can get out from under my shit.
“What can I do?” I squeeze her hands. “Tell me, A. I don’t have your insight. I’m crap at reading the situation sometimes. You’re my everything. What do you need from me?”
She hesitates for a second before meeting my eyes again. “I want us to be in a committed relationship and build our lives together. Not go along with whatever happens. I hate letting other people dictate our moods. When I was in California, you were busy but you made time for me. Every day. If you can’t for a day or two—even a week, I get it. But I see the writing on the wall for the foreseeable future, B. I don’t like it.”
I take her words in and think about how we fell into a glorious rhythm of waking up together, eating breakfast, working side by side. Taking time each day just for us. It felt right, easy, like we were building something real. Fun. Loving. And I want us to have the same experience here. I want it every day.
“I promise I’ll do better.” I try to keep my voice steady because I feel like I’m going to cry. “I want a future with you. Marriage, kids, all of it. You’re not an afterthought—you’re everything to me.”
Her eyes soften. “I believe you want these things.”
“I love you.” I squeeze her tightly. “Don’t ever doubt it.”
“I love you too,” she says softly.
Holding her close like this is everything. Still, I’m trying to tamp down my panic at her leaving me. I’ve never wanted anything more than Astrid. At the same time, I’m between a rock and a hard place. I can’t abandon my company.
She isn’t asking me to, of course. All she needs is for me to prioritize a little time for her, no matter what. From now on, I’ll schedule time on my calendar so I don’t get too focused and forget. My tendency to put blinders on to the world around me is a problem I can’t seem to overcome. Maybe this is a way I can fix my own shortcomings.
“A.” I tip her face up to mine. “Know one thing. You are my girlfriend. I want you to be part of my life and part of my family. I want to be part of yours.”
She bites her lip, still looking uncertain. “Your family’s been through so much lately. Maybe they need time to process everything with Cillian. I don’t want to intrude.”
“You’re not intruding. They know you. They like you. And trust me, my mom’s going to be thrilled to see you. Plus, Connor and Ronni will be there—they’re excited to catch up,” I reassure.
I can still see the hesitation, but she’s considering. “As long as I’m not in the way.”
“Of course you’re not in the way.” I shake my head vigorously. “You’re the one person I want by my side. You make everything better.”
She looks at me for a long moment. Finally, she nods, letting out a soft sigh. “Okay. I’ll go.”
Relief floods through me.
I realize, though, it’s time to tell her my situation. Why I am the way I am. Why I struggle with some things that seem easy for everyone else.
Not now, when it will seem like an excuse. Because it’s not.
Then again, Astrid knows me better than anyone ever has. She’s already seen so much of me—my messy life, my family—and she accepts me for who I am. Loves me, even.
She. Loves. Me.
But, there’s still the one thing she doesn’t know about me yet.
I hope she doesn’t hate me for keeping it from her.
Have I waited too long?