Chapter 19 #2
“I’m not going to pretend I know what a broken heart feels like.
I’ve never been in a relationship to speak of.
I fool around. I cause chaos. I’m just… loud and a lot.
Jude has been by my side since we were kids and hasn’t had a relationship either.
I always thought when he retired, we’d be the chaotic duo we’d been before he went pro, but then he suddenly shows up with a guy, and I know Jude better than Jude knows Jude.
It might have taken him a few months to realize he was in love with Conner, but I knew right away.
I’ve tried to be supportive and the friend he deserves, but it fucking hurts.
I’ve never thought I was in love with him, but what else could this fucking be if not that? ”
“You’re not in love with him,” Liam says. “You feel like you’ve been replaced, which I think, given your history together, likely feels remarkably like a broken heart.”
Zephyr is silent as he stares at Liam. He suddenly sits up, and Darwin lands on his back between Zeph’s legs. Darwin yelps and laughs as he struggles to sit up. Zephyr keeps him there with his hand on Darwin’s stomach.
“I’m not sure if I should be turned on by the strength in your fucking stomach or irritated that you flung me back like a rag doll,” Darwin sputters, still laughing.
Zephyr’s eyes glint with mirth for just a second, but his eyes meet Liam’s again. “You think so?”
Liam sits up, nodding. “Yeah. I do. I’m guessing you realized how much it hurt once he left with Conner, right?” Zephyr nods. “That was more than a month ago. Almost two months now, right?”
“Yes.”
“If you were in love with him, you’d know that by now. Even being inexperienced with love, as you stated, you’d still know. Everything you said are the words you haven’t put in order. Jude has replaced you. That’s what it feels like.”
Zephyr catches his breath. His eyes close, and he turns away. He mutters a curse.
“I’m betting you feel different toward Matty than you do toward Jude,” Liam adds. “Don’t you?”
Zephyr doesn’t answer for a minute, but eventually, he faces me. “Yeah.”
“Something somewhat similar. There are notes of the same warmth. You feel it in similar ways. But it’s also very, very different. You can’t imagine Jude in the same way, can you?”
He shakes his head, eyes still locked on mine.
“It’s not the same thing because Jude is your best friend and you’re afraid he’s replaced you in his life. Matty is something else entirely. He fits into your life in a different way. Taking up a place Jude never touched.”
Zephyr looks equally bothered by this realization, but he hasn’t looked away from me.
“I think Darwin fits into that same place but differently,” Liam says.
“I think he’s answering something else inside you.
A different call. The same, but it’s a different tone.
A tone that he hears. One that Matty doesn’t.
There’s something they share inside you, but you also feel them both separately. Right?”
Finally, Zephyr looks away, but it’s to meet Liam’s eyes. “Yes. What the fuck, dude?”
Liam smiles. Not a happy smile, but one in acknowledgement of knowing he hit the nail on the head.
“Don’t put a wall between you and them because you think you need to deal with your feelings on your own.
Trust me. Coming from someone who has run from their emotions because they can’t stand how they’ve hurt someone they love more than anything in this world, that’s not the answer.
You’re only going to hurt them and yourself far more than help the situation. ”
“That’s why you run away, is it?” Zephyr asks.
“Yes,” Liam says. “Looking at Matty lifeless in his room, tormented by the dead, knowing I’m the reason he’ll spend the rest of his life like that…
” He bows his head. “It’s a lot to live with, and yes, sometimes I run.
You think it’s to give myself peace of mind.
To take a break from seeing him like that.
Trust me when I tell you, that’s not how I live when I’m out of sight of Matty.
I’m far more miserable away from him, but the guilt eats at me like a virus when I’m here and see him like that. ”
I let go of Zephyr so I can lean into Liam. He wraps his arms around me.
“You’ve made him better,” Liam says quietly. “That’s something I’ve never been able to do.”
“Because we treat him like he’s a damn person,” Darwin says. “We don’t lock him away and force him to stay in the company of his ghosts all alone, Liam.”
“I didn’t know that’s what he needed,” Liam says quietly, his arms tightening around me.
I meet Zephyr’s eyes. He’s watching me. Does he hear the way my heart pounds in my chest? When he reaches for me, Liam lets me go, and I allow him to pull me toward him. I expect a hug. I expect to be brought between him and Darwin for a cuddle, like I’ve been so many times before.
Instead, his mouth lands on mine, and he kisses me in a way that steals the oxygen from every cell in my body. It makes me weak. I shake.
His mouth comes off mine, and he once more stares into my eyes. His fingers brush gently across my cheek. “So… you didn’t answer. Top, bottom, switch? Which are you?”
My breath is shaky when I answer. “I’m a switch.”
“And Liam?”
“Yeah. Same.”
“A group of switches means endless possibilities,” Zephyr murmurs, his lips brushing mine again. “Matty, I can’t make you any promises. But I won’t run away. You might have to kick my ass and make me talk sometimes, but… we’ll see what happens. Okay?”
Hope lights up my chest, and I nod.
“You deserve the world, precious doll,” he murmurs.
I grin. He’s going to be better at being a boyfriend than he believes.