Chapter 11
Tilian
I was nervous as we left the apartment behind. Once the door closed, things felt very quiet. Brooks strode forward with his hands in his pockets, looking like a man who had no shortage of confidence and who knew what the hell he was doing. He was younger than me, but he definitely had more of a right to the title of ‘adult.’
He turned and smiled at me over his shoulder. “Coming?”
“Yeah.” I scrambled to catch up, cursing myself as usual for being so damn awkward. Even the simplest things weren’t safe from my reign of terror. It would be impressive if I didn’t hate it so much.
“Are you okay?”
“Of course.”
“Hm,” he hummed. “You have these knee jerk responses that you use to deflect. Are you scared you’re gonna be a bother if you’re not in the ideal state at all times?”
Just like the first time I’d officially met Brooks, he was fucking perceiving me and it made me feel simultaneously uncomfortable and drawn to him. How much did he truly see?
I shrugged nonchalantly. “If I divulged all of my secrets this early, you wouldn’t have any reason to stick around. Gotta keep the mystery alive.”
“Okay, Tilian. You’re sly as fuck.”
We both stopped by the driver’s side of his Audi. He regarded me for a long moment. I thought he was going to say something, but he took my hand instead. It made my stomach lurch.
I was leaning into these little touches he kept offering. Hanging on them, even. I knew that they were just simple things to him, gestures that he was comfortable with when it came to his friends. I could readily admit that I was touch-starved and he was giving me bites of something that I was so tempted to devour whole.
Something cool touched my palm. That was when I realized that he wasn’t holding my hand. He was giving me the keys.
Tilian, you desperate idiot.
“Why are you letting me drive again?”
He smiled. “Because I’ve had more beers than you and you looked happy behind the wheel.”
“I probably shouldn’t either, to be honest.”
“I volunteer as tribute.”
I jumped at the new voice. Brooks broke into a grin when he saw Dean. I was very confused about their dynamic. They seemed to be inching toward being friends, although Dean might’ve been more iffy on that front. It was weird.
“Hey, pal,” Brooks said. He grabbed his hand and pulled him into his chest. “Are you trying to steal my car?”
“On the contrary, it looks like I’m saving the day since you idiots didn’t designate a driver.”
“It’s only a few miles.”
“Plenty of space for you to kill someone.”
Brooks scoffed. “And where’s your car? You claimed that you have one, but I’ve never seen it.”
“I caught a ride with Rick.”
“Why?”
“To save the planet, obviously.”
Brooks narrowed his eyes but motioned for me to hand over the keys. When I started to get into the back seat, he grabbed my wrist and pushed me toward the front. Since it was pointless to argue with him, I dropped into the passenger seat beside Dean. He smiled at me in the kind way he always did.
Both of these guys were pretty different, but I felt comfortable with each of them in some way. They also belonged to social groups that I had no business interacting with. If it wasn’t for Brooks, I would’ve been lost in that apartment. I’d probably lock myself in the bathroom and watch power washing videos to calm down or something.
Brooks leaned forward between our two seats, planting an elbow on each one. God, he smelled good, even through the faint scent of beer. It was rich and probably expensive. The more I breathed it in, I was able to detect various notes. It was slightly floral, maybe a mix of lavender and something woody. Maybe it was earthy. I had no fucking clue. He just smelled divine.
“If you’re driving, that means you’re hanging out with us at my place.”
It looked like Dean might argue for a second. Brooks smacked his shoulder and scooted even closer.
“Don’t make me beg.”
“Alright, but why?” Dean asked.
“Because the quiet is too loud.”
He glanced sidelong at Brooks, then started the car. As he pulled onto the road, I was grateful he’d offered to drive. I wasn’t drunk, but I was more comfortable in the passenger seat right now. It was nice to chill and watch things pass by outside. My head was airy enough that I would’ve been anxious behind the wheel.
With the way Brooks’ arm was positioned, his hand hung over my shoulder and grazed my chest each time the car moved enough. My eyes fell closed at the light contact.
This was it. This was the moment I was going to fucking die. Right here in this beautiful man’s Audi.
That was dramatic. Still, I was standing by my assertion. Minus the literal death.
We went over a bumpy patch of road- good ol’ Seattle infrastructure- and his fingers slid down my arm. A sound that was far too breathy escaped me, but thankfully, the music was loud enough to cover it.
This definitely qualified as touch starved. I needed to get laid. If I was being honest, though, it was unlikely to help. My luck wasn’t the best when it came to the guys I’d slept with. Sex was okay, but I definitely hadn’t chosen the right people. They’d acted nice and caring, but for the most part, I just ended up as a hole for them to fuck. It was fine. I just knew it could be better.
Brooks probably fucked like a god. I didn’t know what his preference was, but from our interactions so far, I was confident that he would take on the dominant role easily.
The thought of him like that, with his body on display and his lean muscles flexing with his fluid movements, made me feel warm. My dick started to perk up when the scene in my head escalated. I imagined him wrapping his fingers around his shaft, thick and engorged from his desire. It glistened at the tip and-
Shit, I had to get myself under control. I’d rather die than pop a boner in this car right now.
Brooks wasn’t an option. He wanted me to find someone who would be good for me, which implied that he wasn’t that person. For all I knew, he could already be interested in another person. He certainly had options if he cared to consider them. Better, more interesting options than me.
I needed to smoke. I wasn’t usually this self-deprecating. The alcohol didn’t really help. It made me overthink. If I didn’t dull this anxiety that raged through me, I’d sink into a pit where I’d continuously compare myself to others and I didn’t like to do that. I’d accepted who I was a long time ago and I was okay with it. He was sort of throwing me off. I needed to get a grip.
We reached a building draped in black with seemingly endless windows. Maybe the entire outside of it was glass. It rose way too high into the sky and if there was a storm going, I’d probably assume Batman owned the place.
Dean dipped into a parking garage beneath the building. The cars we passed weren’t all extravagant, but there were enough flashy ones to betray the level of wealth that occupied this place.
When I glanced at Dean, I could see the tension in his body. I knew that his family didn’t have money and I wondered how crazy this felt to him. Mine was in the upper middle class, so I’d never worried about missing a meal or not having new clothes at the beginning of the school year, but this was entirely different.
It was unlikely that I’d ever associate with people who lived on this level. Aside from Brooks. After he graduated and started making his own money, it was possible he'd disappear and never again hang out with the friends he made here. It was a sad thought, so I shoved it away.
As we got out of the car, I started to think about the same things I’d been pondering on the way here, but in a different way. I always went through life being a rebellious little shit, but I didn’t do it loudly. It was more of an act against my dad or people who had judgy eyes. Expectations were a direct affront to the makeup of my soul.
Why shouldn’t I employ that more here? Brooks seemed like a person who’d have no issue with something casual. He’d made out with me to prove a point and had been unfazed by it.
It was possible I’d sink too far into it, but that was a problem for future me. Even if I got hurt, I deserved to enjoy something for however long it lasted. I didn’t know if he’d be interested in me, but he’d made it clear that he found me attractive.
I came up beside him as he hit the button for the elevator. After swallowing back my fear and a bit of nausea, I brushed his fingers. His twitched and I almost backed out, but I forced myself to go a step further. When I slipped my hand into his, he looked over at me.
“Dean’s driving freaked me out,” I joked softly enough for only him to catch it.
He breathed a laugh and gripped my hand. “Bold strokes, Tilian. I’m impressed.”
I preened at the praise.
We stepped into the elevator and Dean’s eyes fell to our hands, but he didn’t react or say anything. Brooks used our intertwined fingers to reach up and push the button for the thirty-eighth floor.
Shit, that was high.
Like the annoyingly perceptive person he was, he squeezed my hand. “It’s beautiful from up there. Right, Dean?”
“I’ve seen better,” he replied.
“You’ve been here?” I asked. If I didn’t know that he was as straight as they come, I might’ve felt a twinge of jealousy.
“Yeah. Mr. Fancy Pants here got me a special Uber because he was dying to see this face.”
“Mm,” Brooks hummed. “More like those biceps. Have you seen those fuckers?” He blew air through his lips and shook his head. “Bet you can really throw someone around with those.”
The elevator dinged and the doors opened smoothly. Dean had begun to scowl after Brooks’ comment. They still went back and forth. Their history couldn’t be an easy thing to get past, but for some reason, they were trying. I was glad, otherwise it’d be a little awkward to hang out with either of them.
Me and Brooks separated to remove our hoodies and shoes. Afterward, he pushed his hands into his pockets and smiled at me. I couldn’t read the expression and it was probably best if I didn’t try.
Put yourself out there, Tilian, they said. Go for what you want, Tilian.
I reminded myself that it wasn’t necessarily a rejection. He’d held my hand all the way up to this point. We were barely even acquainted yet. Just because I got butterflies from his touch didn’t at all mean that he felt the same.
Brooks disappeared into a room and I immediately started to look around. It was nicer than I’d expected, which was saying a lot since I’d imagined something really damn fancy. It was incredibly modern and the entire back wall wasn’t even a wall. It was just glass. When I stood in front of it, I felt a little queasy. It was almost like there was nothing keeping me from tumbling over the edge.
Fingers brushed over the back of my neck, just underneath my hair line, and I shivered. Brooks held a dab pen over my shoulder. I took it while I stared at him in the reflection. His face was oddly blank, devoid of emotion. I turned around but was met with soft warmth, just like he always exuded.
He booped my nose, then joined Dean at the island and passed him a pen. Did he collect these things like baseball cards?
After I took a hit, I was really thrown off. This was definitely not one of the cheap cartridges I bought at the dispensary. This right here was death in a tube.
Jesus Christ. He didn’t play around.
As I made my way over to the others, I saw Dean dip his head closer to Brooks. “Can we talk?” I heard him ask.
Brooks nodded toward the room he’d disappeared into before. He flashed me a brief smile before they went inside. The door was cracked open, but it was clear they wanted privacy for whatever they needed to talk about. By the time they got back, I’d probably be a whole different person thanks to this shit that really should’ve been illegal.