Defend Me

Chapter 15

Tilian

Did I like going to bars? Hard no. They were unnecessarily loud, the drinks were expensive, and there was always at least one asshole who was intent on finding someone to bone. The one here was currently talking to some women playing pool. I’d been watching, making bets in my head on whether one- or both- would go home with him. Personally, I didn’t see the appeal of a forty-something man who prowled bars for something as trivial as sex.

“Another?” the man behind the counter asked.

“Uh, yeah. Thanks.”

He took my glass and filled it with Space Dust. It was my favorite beer, so at least this place had that going for them.

“Drinking alone?” he asked as he wiped down the area.

“Waiting for someone.”

“You’re either early or you got stood up.”

I breathed a laugh around the glass as I took a drink. “Nah, an Uber driver canceled on him, so he had to wait for another. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how bad traffic is out here.”

“That’s why I bike. I have a car,” he added quickly. “It’s a choice, not a necessity.”

“You must live close.”

“A couple miles. What about you?”

“I live on campus.”

“Harmon?” When I nodded, he smiled. “I went there too.”

I tried not to show that I was surprised. “What’d you study?”

“Business management.” He held his hands out to the sides. “That’s why this place runs so smoothly.”

“You own it?”

“Yup. I like working the bar, plus it saves me money.”

“That’s awesome. You’re a Harmon success story. They should name a bench after you or something.”

He laughed, which made his eyes crinkle a little. They were light brown and matched his chin-length hair. He was pretty young, probably early thirties. If I was into the age gap thing, I might try to figure out if he was flirting or just making conversation.

The bar prowler suddenly appeared beside me and put his hands on the counter. “Can I get three tequilas?”

The bartender didn’t hide his distaste. “Last one, got it?”

The guy waved his hand irritably. Turning, he looked me up and down. I didn’t yield to dicks like him, so I met his stare while I took a long drink.

“Fuck off, Ben,” the bartender clipped before he slid the shots over.

Ben grunted and returned to the pool table, walking a bit like Jack Sparrow.

“Sorry. He’s always like that.”

“It’s cool,” I replied. “Douchebags don’t bother me. Uh, I didn’t ask your name.”

“Remi.”

“Like Ratatouille.” As soon as I said it, I dropped my face into my hand and started laughing. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I thought it was funny.” He looked behind me and smiled. “Hey, how’s it going?”

Arms came around my neck from behind, making me jump. The familiar scent was comforting and I found myself leaning back. Brooks perched his chin on my shoulder and sighed dramatically.

“My Uber smelled like diapers. Kinda want to die now.”

“I’m tired of drinking alone, so you can’t die.”

“Fine, but I’m only doing this for you.”

“Aw. Are you saying I’m special?”

He chuckled, then bit down on my shoulder before he took the seat beside me. I touched the spot, then grabbed my beer so I had something to do with my hands.

Not that it was anything new, but he looked dreamy tonight. His casual black drop-shoulder shirt had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and it was unbuttoned enough to draw attention to his collarbone. With his ripped blue skinny jeans and black canvas shoes, combined with his messy bun, I had a hard time stopping myself from ogling.

“I’ll take one of those,” Brooks said, nodding to my drink. “And four shots of your best vodka.”

“Jesus,” I muttered. “Going hard today.”

“ We .”

“No. Don’t say that.”

“Two of those are for you. I need to know who Tilian Holloway is when his inhibitions are loose.”

“And I need you to never know that.”

“Mm, what if I say please?”

His smile only revealed part of his teeth and the tips of his canines. It was a dangerous expression. Tempting, for sure.

“Fine,” I sighed. “But I’m not getting hammered.”

He winked at me and pulled out his card. It was sleek and black, which just felt fancy.

“You have a tab?” he asked. I nodded. “Can you transfer his to mine and don’t let him pay for anything, no matter how cute he is.”

Remi looked amused as he took the card. “I wouldn’t dream of it. If a guy treated me like that, I’d marry him.”

“Does that mean you’re single?”

His brow raised and he glanced from Brooks to me. “By choice. I’ll get those shots.”

When he moved away from us, Brooks leaned in. “What about him?”

“What about him?” I asked.

“He’s hot and you’re single.”

“So are you. Uh, single, I mean. You could go for him is what I’m saying.”

Smooth, Tilian.

“He’s relationship material,” Brooks mused. “And he was flirting when I came in.”

“I don’t know. He’s just nice.”

“You were flirting back.”

Thank god Remi showed up with the shots at that moment. I grabbed one immediately and knocked it back. The burn helped me reorient myself, which wasn’t a good sign since I’d probably need to do it multiple times tonight.

*****

I threw my arms around Brooks with a laugh. The women across the pool table from us looked upset to lose again. They weren’t very good, so I don’t know why they were surprised. Maybe they expected us to go easy on them or something. From the way they’d looked at him a few times, I figured they were interested.

He held me against him, his shoulders shaking with his amusement.

“I can’t believe you made that,” he said.

Pulling back, I brushed my hair away from my forehead. “Clearly, I’m a god. Get on your knees and worship me.”

His lips parted, then he bit one. “You’re feral.”

“This is why tipsy Tilian shouldn’t come out to play.”

“Shut up. I love it.”

I got startled when I realized Michele and Sara had come closer. Brooks turned and smiled at them.

“Thanks for playing with us. It was fun. Can I buy you two a drink as a show of good sportsmanship?”

“That’s so sweet,” Michele replied. “We could go somewhere else, though. Just hang out.”

There it was.

I looked at Brooks carefully. Since I was getting used to being around him, I could see that he was going over something in his mind. Was he going to take them up on it? I’d probably just go home.

“We’re okay,” he said. “Probably gonna head out soon anyway.”

“Oh, okay. Maybe we can get your numbers?”

Sara smiled shyly at me, which was a little shocking.

“I’m gay.” Well, bluntness was one way to do things.

“Shit, I didn’t realize.” Michele looked at Brooks. “Are you…”

“Yes, no, all of the above. I’m like water- fluid as fuck.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Um, so, you’ve been with guys?”

His head cocked. Instead of answering, he picked up his beer and drained the rest of it.

“Actually, nevermind,” she said quickly. “You’re cool, but I’m not into that. Thanks for the games.”

She took Sara’s hand and pulled her away.

I shook my head. “Gross. I’m glad we didn’t let them win.”

“Why would we let them win?”

I threw my hands in the air. “I don’t know how male to female flirting works.”

He laughed. “Flirting? I wasn’t doing that.”

“You always are.”

“Mm. Well, for your information, it didn’t even cross my mind. I’m here with you.”

“You tried to pair me up,” I pointed out.

“I don’t want you to be lonely.”

“I’m not lonely. I’m here with you.”

The smile that appeared on his face was goofier than usual. I took his hand and glanced over my shoulder at the girls, who were getting drinks at the bar.

“Sorry they were dicks to you.”

“One, don’t say sorry. Two, I’m not bothered. Some women don’t like that I’ve slept with men and some men don’t like that I’ve slept with women.”

“Does it make things hard?”

“Not really. Anyone casual doesn’t ask the specifics about my sexuality. It’s not like I date anyway. Let’s get out of here.”

After he settled his tab, he led me to the door. It was quiet during our ride to his apartment. I thought about telling him I could go home, but I’d rather be with him and since he hadn’t mentioned it, I was fine with following his lead.

I shivered when we got out of the car. My baggy sweater didn’t do much to keep out the cold and I hadn’t expected the temperature to drop so much.

While we waited for the elevator, Brooks put his arm around me. I didn’t question it because he was somehow warm as fuck. I leaned into his side and hummed contentedly.

Once we were inside his apartment, I drew in a deep breath. My eyes were heavy from the drinks and I couldn’t stifle a yawn.

“Come on,” he said, nodding toward his door.

He dropped onto his back on the bed and sighed. Tentatively, I climbed in from the other side. When he didn’t protest, I laid beside him with our arms touching. It was dark, with only faint light coming in through the windows. Overly aware of how quiet it was, I tried to make sure my breaths weren’t too loud.

“Are you warm now?” he asked.

“Yeah, mostly.”

Rolling onto his side, he draped an arm over me. I matched his position and was glad for the dimness in the room. All I could see were the major features of his face, so I hoped he wouldn’t recognize any stray traces of panic in my expression. My breaths betrayed me when his fingers brushed the bare skin of my back underneath my shirt.

This didn’t feel like a good idea. It didn’t mean anything to him, but to me, it was intoxicating. Every touch, every time he looked at me for a little too long, I read into them, even though I tried not to.

“Maybe I should sleep in the other room or something,” I suggested.

“It’s fine.”

“Will it be fine tomorrow?”

“It’s not a big deal, Tilian.” His touch traveled to my pelvic bone, then returned to my back. I struggled to keep myself from trembling. “I feel better when I’m with you.”

“Better?” I repeated.

“Calm. No pressure. I can just… be.”

“I like that I make you feel that way.”

“And more,” he said softly.

“Like what?”

With the arm he had around me, he pulled me closer, putting us only inches apart. “Jealous.”

My stomach flipped so violently that I worried the alcohol would come back up. I waited for him to show me his lighthearted smile or say ‘sike,’ but he just stared at me intently.

“I shouldn’t be,” he went on. “When I saw you flirting with Remi, I had to play it cool.”

“I wasn’t flirting with him.” I laid my hand over his cheek, then traced his lips with two fingers. “Really.”

“You should’ve been.”

I frowned. “Why do you do that? It’s like you flip a switch when you realize you’ve said something genuine.”

“Because you’re not supposed to get past these walls I put up to keep you back, but somehow, you keep doing it. And I’m tipsy, so I guess I’ve just set myself up for failure.”

“Being real doesn’t mean you failed.”

“Doesn’t it?”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but it made me sad. There were so many things I wanted to know about him. Not just facts. I wanted to learn what things made him happy, what went through his head, and what caused that anguish in his eyes that I’d seen a couple of times. It was too dark for me to see if it was there now, but I had a feeling it was.

“Let me know you,” I said.

“Don’t say that.”

“But I want to.”

When he pressed his forehead against mine, I felt his breath hit my lips. I scooted my body a little closer so that I was pressed up against him. Terrified that he’d slip away from me again, I tried to think of a question to continue our game.

“Did you have pets growing up?”

He shook his head. “My parents were gone a lot. Sometimes, they stayed overnight at the office because they were so busy. There wasn’t time to dedicate to a pet. I never really thought about having one.”

“We had a Mastiff. I named her Pebbles because Fruity Pebbles were my favorite as a kid. She’d always follow me if I went for a walk or sat by the lake. I liked her more than any of the people I was around.”

He laughed a little. “Not surprised.”

“Dogs just love you. It’s pure and beautiful. She died when I was fifteen and my parents only got another one after I came to school. I was kind of glad about that because I would’ve been too attached to leave.”

“But not to your family,” he teased.

“I love them, but I suck at keeping in touch. They’re only an hour away, so I should see them more.” I shrugged. “I don’t know where I’ll go someday, but I want a big yard so that I can have a few dogs.”

“You give me all this insight into your life and I don’t even have to ask. I thought you didn’t like talking about yourself.”

Deciding I should be vulnerable if I was asking him to be, I ducked my head before I responded.

“Maybe the more you know about me, the harder it’ll be to forget me.”

“Why would I forget you?”

“You live this big life with all these friends. I’m just one of them and it’s not like I stand out.”

He gently knocked his forehead against mine a couple of times like he was trying to think or maybe he was frustrated. His fingers gripped my side tightly and he made a soft sound that made my heart speed up even more.

“God, Tilian. Stop reducing yourself as if you aren’t the one who constantly takes over my thoughts.”

I must’ve drank too much. Or he had. I didn’t take over people’s thoughts. I was the side character; maybe even the sassy little animal companion in Disney movies- part of the story, but not actually essential.

I was way too aware of how close we were now. Our bodies were practically melded together and he was clutching me to him. When I tipped my head up, his hand suddenly went to my throat, making me moan. His lips brushed mine, then they parted, but he never went in for the kiss. Quicker than I could process, he rolled over and got to his feet.

“I’m gonna shower before I sleep.”

“Okay,” I said, trying not to sound dejected.

He started walking, then stopped. Putting one knee on the bed, he leaned toward me. His lips pressed against my forehead and even that made my heart race.

“I’ll be back. If you need a drink or something, there’s a bunch of stuff in the fridge. Can you…”

“What?”

“Stay. In here.”

After I nodded, he continued into the bathroom. Only when the door closed did I let out a heavy breath and roll onto my back.

I felt more irritated than I had a right to be. At this point, I didn’t have a clue what was going on with us. I wasn’t imagining the things he said or the ways he touched me. Even when he kissed me in my dorm, it wasn’t the same as this. That hadn’t actually meant anything. The fact that he kept pulling back now told me things had changed.

If he kept giving me these little tastes of him, I’d be done for. It might be smart to move to the other room or go home, but I just stayed where I was, listening to the shower. I let myself imagine how he looked in there and, fuck, it was a cruel way to torture myself. The images stayed in my mind until my eyes could no longer stay open.