Chapter 16
Tilian
As I stared up at the ceiling, I thought about how different this place was from what I was used to. It wasn’t textured like I usually saw. Instead, it was smooth and featureless. Plain. Unremarkable, even though the point was to be modern. It fit the aesthetic, I suppose, but it seemed weird that wealthy people somehow decided that ceiling texture was beneath them.
When I’d woken up, Brooks was asleep with his face tucked into my neck. If my bladder hadn’t been about to burst, I would’ve stayed there as long as possible. I wished I would have because he was gone when I came back.
I didn’t know where he went or how long I’d been here, lying horizontally on the bed and contemplating my existence. Long enough that my stomach had growled a few times. Not long enough for me to find the courage to meet Brooks’ eyes and see no indication that he was at all affected by this. By me.
It was pathetic that I couldn’t just take the hint. Regardless of what he might feel, he didn’t want to pursue anything. He’d made it clear that he wasn’t interested in a relationship. I would bring up my openness to something casual if I didn’t already feel a bit dejected. Besides, friends with benefits wasn’t known for ending well.
After last night, I just couldn’t shake the weird feeling I had about him. If he’d actually open up a bit, beyond the superficial show he put on, things might be different. I wondered if the games he played were less about enjoying them and more about necessity.
What was he hiding from all the time?
A loud crash made me sit up straight. I listened intently, but nothing else happened until a door slammed shut with jarring force. Too curious to sink back into my thoughts, I cracked the door and peered out.
I didn’t see anybody. There was something on the floor, which I assumed was the culprit for the noise I heard. It looked like it was broken and there were shards of it that had slid across the wood floor, all the way to the bedrooms.
Carefully, I stepped out. Upon further inspection, I discovered that it had once been a bong. A big one. If it had been an accident, I could understand the angry way he’d slammed the door.
As I rolled my teeth over my lip, I stared at the entryway. Was it weird to check on him? I doubted he needed to be consoled about a broken bong, but I was worried.
I stepped over the glass to get to the front door. After a moment’s hesitation, I opened it.
“Brooks?” I called softly.
There was nobody in the hallway and the elevator wasn’t moving. Not knowing where else he could be, I walked out and stopped in front of the door that led to the stairwell. There was a window on it, which gave me a glimpse of him walking up a flight of stairs. He returned to this floor, then did it again. After a few times, he leaned his forehead against the wall and held onto the back of his neck with both hands.
He probably wanted to be left alone, but that didn’t work for me right now. If he wanted me to go, he could tell me that.
He didn’t react when I opened the door or when it closed behind me. Tentatively, I moved closer.
“Brooks.”
“What do you want?” he asked in a more terse tone than usual.
I frowned. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“There’s no reason I wouldn’t be.”
“That’s interesting. The glass minefield says otherwise.”
“It’s too fucking clean in there anyway.”
And this was what I meant about not being able to piece him together. Sometimes, he was contradictory. Other times, he was just plain mysterious. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a liar, but it felt like he adapted himself based on who he was with at the time. The person who stood in front of me right now wasn’t one I’d seen. At least, not in its entirety. I’d managed to see glimpses of him when some of his control slipped, but he always put himself together too quickly for me to draw any conclusions.
“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” I asked.
He just shook his head and I watched his fingers grip his neck.
“We should get something to eat,” I suggested.
He took a shuddering breath and lifted his head. “I have to clean it up. If anyone saw it…”
He walked past me without a glance. I brushed my fingers through my hair before I followed him.
“What if someone saw it?” I prompted when I got inside.
“They’d think I don’t have my shit together.”
“It was an accident.”
“It wasn’t.”
I knelt in front of him and blocked him from touching any more of the glass. He was going to cut himself like that. We didn’t need a hospital trip on our hands.
“Hey,” I said softly. “Nobody’s here to see it. Just me, and I’m not gonna judge you.”
“Everybody judges, whether intentional or not.”
“Okay, then I’ll rephrase. I’m not going to be offended by a broken bong. As for the other stuff, I don’t know if you have your shit together, but I think it’s okay if you don’t.”
He pulled his hands back, so I did too. His were shaking. When he saw me looking, he stood and pushed them into his pockets.
“You should eat something,” he said.
“Only if you do.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Please?”
He rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever. We can go out.”
After watching him for another second, I nodded. “Cool if I shower?”
“Of course.”
“Okay. I’m not deciding where we eat, by the way. That’s not in my arsenal of abilities.”
Finally, there was a tiny smile on his face. He jerked his chin toward the room, then grabbed a broom from a closet.
I could take a quick shower. If I left him alone for too long, I was afraid he’d spiral or something.
Shit, I was getting protective of him.
This was fine. Completely fine.
*****
In the shower, I’d done a bit more contemplation. I didn’t really have a choice. My brain did what it did best and like Miley Cyrus, it couldn’t be tamed. It also came in like a wrecking ball to sabotage me way too often.
Brooks was good at hiding, but he also claimed he had a harder time with it around me. My approach was simple. I was just going to be myself and not walk on eggshells around him.
As I sat across from him at the sushi restaurant, though, I realized that saying I would be myself created expectations. I completely forgot what my personality even was. Was I human? It didn’t feel like it.
“You good?” he asked.
I watched him pick up a sushi roll with his chopsticks. For a second, I was locked onto his lips.
“Is anyone not good when they’re eating sushi?”
“Probably, but those people don’t get to be my friend.”
“We should do something with Kai and Sen again,” I suggested.
“Not scared of him anymore?”
I shrugged. “Sen likes me and I think it’s Kai’s life mission to make him happy, so I feel pretty safe.”
“Unless you piss off Sen. I bet Kai is waiting for a reason to drop you.”
Narrowing my eyes, I put a piece of sushi in my mouth. It was satisfying when his gaze moved to my lips just like mine had.
I pointed my chopsticks at him with a menacing expression. “If you were on the run from the government, where would you go?”
“The streets.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It is. Blend in with the homeless community. They’re never gonna find you as long as you don’t do anything that’ll get you arrested.”
“You’ll just live on the streets forever?”
“Nah, just long enough for them to chill out and forget my face a bit. Then, I’d go to New Zealand. Since I know you’re gonna ask, it’s because I have some family that still lives there. It’s where my grandparents came from.”
I found myself smiling, so I paid attention to the belt, waiting for something that looked good to come around.
“What’s your favorite thing about yourself? Physically.”
The question made me groan. “I don’t know, uh… Since you have no frame of reference, I’m gonna say my dick.”
A smirk settled on his lips. “I have some frame of reference.”
“Doesn’t count.”
“Debatable.”
“Okay,” I drawled. “What’s your favorite thing about me?”
“That’s a hard one.”
“Because there are none, huh?” I laughed when he kicked me under the table.
“Your soul.”
“Oh, come on.”
“Fine, I guess you get two. Don’t let it go to your head, though. Your smile. The big, real one when you’re happy.” He tapped his finger next to his temple. “It affects your whole face, your eyes. Every time, it gives me butterflies.”
I had no idea what to say to that. Whatever smile he was talking about, I’d never seen it. If I could replicate it in a mirror, I’d try so that I could try to find what he saw.
He got up and moved to my side of the table. I scooted over so he could sit in the booth. His arm stretched across the back of it, then he leaned toward me. With a wink, he grabbed my last spicy tuna roll.
“Same question for you,” he said.
My response was immediate. “Your lips.”
Those very lips curled upward beautifully. “Yeah?”
“They’re your biggest tell. Your eyes are always guarded, but you don’t always control what you’re doing with your mouth.”
“Hm. I don’t like that.”
“They’re also beautiful lips,” I added playfully.
“So are yours.”
“That’s the third favorite thing you gave me.”
“You’re not the only one who’s a giver.”
Deciding to be a little bold- my pathetic heart be damned- I dropped my head to his shoulder. It only took him a few seconds to drop his arm from the back of the booth and tighten it around my shoulders.
“What made you upset enough to throw a bong?”
He tensed. “Doesn’t matter.”
“It’s one of my twenty questions. You don’t get to pick and choose.”
Wordlessly, he stroked the side of my arm, back and forth. If we weren’t in a restaurant, I’d probably be able to doze off like this.
“Are you gonna answer the question?”
“Just need to get laid,” he said dismissively.
“Hm. I’m sure that’s not hard for you.”
A beat of silence passed before he said anything. “They’re bitching about my hair.”
“What?”
“The answer to your question. My parents keep telling me to cut my hair.”
I lifted my head and looked at the neat bun he’d put it in. “So what? Tell them to fuck off.”
He smiled ruefully. “Thanks for the solid advice.”
“Any time. I’ll give you another freebie. Don’t cut it. It’s nice.”
“Aye aye, captain.”
“You’re annoying.”
“Careful. Keep degrading me and I’ll take it as flirting.”
He was impossible. Even so, I smiled. I was beginning to see glimpses between the cracks in his armor. He put on a facade, one that was interchangeable at will, but when it came down to it, he was a mess like the rest of us. In some ways, maybe more.
The thing I was learning about Brooks was that he would keep pushing everything down. I didn’t think he could do anything else. Maybe he numbed himself to it. I wondered how many times he’d reached a boiling point like today. I imagined it took a lot to get him here, or just as likely, it was the weight of a thousand little stressors. The straw that broke the camel’s back.
“You know that you can show me your pain, right?” I ventured, wanting to be careful with my words but not knowing how.
“Why would you want to see that?”
“Maybe if you trade it with my own, you’ll see that a lot of pain sings a similar song.”
“Only you could make that sound beautiful.”