Chapter 25
“The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn't thought about it.”
Brooks
It all comes crashing down, just as I expected
For a second, it was okay. Suddenly, my fears, my insecurities, and my disgust were gone, replaced by whatever beautiful pieces of the universe lived inside of Tilian.
The entire time I’d been here, I felt better. It was hardly there, just a whisper in the back of my head. When I fucked around with people, I couldn’t make myself feel the way I did with him, even from just a kiss.
It had been quiet in my head, but not in the way I hated. The space that was usually full of my demons had been occupied by him instead. He was so goddamn beautiful and even though he knew I couldn’t give him more, he’d offered me every part of him. He bowed to me in a way nobody had before and the difference was that there was trust in his eyes. He wanted me to unleash my pain through him.
For some inexplicable reason, he wanted to protect me. I’d never felt anything like that before. It should’ve made me feel weak that I needed that, but it only warmed me right down to my bones.
Now, Dean was here, and his familiar scowl graced the land of the living again. He was one of the last people I wanted to be around tonight.
“What’s up?” Tilian asked in a tight voice.
Dean ignored him and met my eyes. “Can I talk to you?”
I took a solid thirty seconds to consider it before I nodded. If I didn’t, he’d probably start raging right here. I wanted to get this over with so I could be with Tilian again. Sex had left my brain, but I could lie with him and simply enjoy his presence.
Tilian watched me stand from the bed. The hurt expression on his face made my chest ache.
“I’ll be right back,” I told him softly.
Once Dean shut the door behind him, he grabbed onto my shoulders and shoved me up against the opposite wall. I didn’t fight him. It was pointless anyway. The guy was a damn tank and he was angry, so he was a legitimate threat that I couldn’t hold my own against.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he demanded.
“That’s not your business, is it?”
“After all that shit you said to me, you decide to show up at Tilian’s place. Probably with the intention of fucking him.”
My head cocked and I leaned forward. “Jealous about my sex life, Dean?”
“No, I’m pissed that you’re going to use my friend to make yourself feel better.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Bullshit. I’m starting to think you just want to ruin every relationship in your life.”
“You should leave the psychoanalyzing to Oliver.”
“God damnit, Brooks. I’m this close to losing it. Leave him alone.”
“I like Tilian,” I stated firmly.
“I don’t doubt that, but is that the reason you’re here? If it is, then go ahead, but if it’s any other reason, go find someone else. He doesn’t deserve to be used as a pawn to make you feel better about yourself.”
“Weird. I’m perfectly happy with who I am.”
The way he laughed made my lip curl. “You fucking despise yourself. You think I can’t see that. News flash: You’re not the only one who pays attention to things.”
My gaze moved to the side briefly before coming back to him. “Stay out of my business, Dean. Just because we hung out a few times doesn’t mean you can keep tabs on me. It’s kind of creepy, if I’m being honest.”
“Here’s what I think.” He held me more firmly against the wall, making it impossible to get free. “I think that deep down, maybe very deep because you’ve tried to bury it, you want to be a good person and you’re too afraid to admit that you don’t want the future that’s been laid out for you.”
I planted my hands on his chest and tried to push him back, but he didn’t budge. Being trapped like this made my head swim. The peace I’d felt in that room shattered, giving way to panic.
“Let me go,” I demanded. My voice came out small and my breath hitched.
He stepped back and I slumped against the wall, putting a hand to my chest.
“You don’t have to act like this,” he said. “This isn’t you.”
“You don’t fucking know me,” I sneered.
“I was fucking trying to.”
The statement made me pause and blink a few times, but I worked through the break in my defenses quickly. “Hm. I know that I’m irresistible, but I thought you’d be harder to seduce than that.”
“Fuck off, Brooks. Do you really only feel better about yourself when someone wants to fuck you?”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you or anyone.”
“Whatever shit you’re on, deal with it and don’t use your friends to do it.”
“Fuck off,” I growled, feeling another flood of emotions. I was cycling through them so quickly and it was already wearing on me.
“I thought you were better than this.”
“I’ve never claimed to be.”
“You’re right. Whatever good you’ve held onto all this time clearly isn’t strong enough to survive, so you might as well kill it now. Let’s be real, Brooks. Everything about you is a ruse. It’s a game, just like everything else you do.”
“So what if it is?” I shouted. “That’s life. We all lie and cheat and play the game to get ahead.”
He laughed dryly. “It’s sad that you don’t know that isn’t true. Here’s the problem with all of that. You’re not giving yourself the chance to be happy.”
“Good thing I don’t care.”
“Really? Happiness means nothing?”
I couldn’t meet his eyes, so I stared at Tilian’s door. “Success makes people happy. Money. Love has ruined the potential of more than a few people who could’ve been great.”
“I pity you, man. Me and Tilian are trying to be here for you. He’s trusted you with more of himself than he should. He doesn’t believe the truth.”
“What’s the truth, Dean?”
“If he gave you his heart, all you’d know how to do is crush it beneath your fancy shoes.” He stepped closer and I pressed myself against the wall to keep him out of my space. “Will walking around on feet soaked in blood get you where you’re going?”
I raised my chin and met his eyes while I tried to figure out a response to that fucked up question. It felt like a slap to the face. Instead of saying anything, I sidestepped him and started down the hallway. I needed fresh air and distance.
“Become them, Brooks,” he called. “Since you’re too scared to face your own mind.”
My shoulders rose and I kept walking.
I shouldn’t have gone to Tilian. Contrary to what Dean thought, I didn’t go there with the intention of anything happening. He was a stroke of calm amidst the storm inside of me. He always had been, ever since I started hanging out with him. When I was alone in that apartment and couldn’t stand my own company anymore, I found myself on campus, right outside Marshall Hall.
Dean’s words hurt, but they also grounded me. I wasn’t spiraling like I had been earlier and I wanted to take time to think about things.
Tonight, everything with Tilian changed. I shouldn’t have let it happen, but I didn’t feel any regret over it. I just had no idea where to go from here. Even if I could bring it all to a screeching halt, I didn’t want to.
I didn’t know if something had broken in me this week, but my usual urge to push people away felt weak right now. The moment I’d touched Tilian, I was ready to abandon the stupid game.
Seriously, why couldn’t I have him? My parents didn’t give a shit who I dated as long as they weren’t a criminal or drug addict or something.
Maybe it wouldn’t even go anywhere, but I was tired of trying to push him away. I wanted to learn what it felt like to have something real and, considering the way I reacted when I was around him, this could be that thing.
If, for some unknown reason, Tilian wanted me, maybe I could take a chance on it.