Chapter 26
Tilian
Sitting on the bed with my knees pulled up and my arms around them, I tried not to freak out. Aside from the hostility between Dean and Brooks, we’d taken things to a whole new level tonight. I intended to talk to him about it before he left, but I was still nervous. After he finished talking to Dean, I didn’t know if I’d manage to open him up like before.
The door opened and I dropped my legs. Dean came into the room, then shut the door and leaned against it.
“Where’s Brooks?”
“He left.”
I jumped to my feet. “What the hell, Dean? Did you tell him to leave?”
“No. He’s struggling right now and you shouldn’t be fucking around with him.”
Friend or not, I resented that he was trying to tell me what to do. I was dying to chase after Brooks, to find him and make sure he was okay.
“That’s my decision to make,” I pointed out. “I know what he wants and I’m okay with that.”
“He’s trying to use you,” he said firmly.
“He wants sex. So what? So do I.”
“He can get it anywhere. Don’t you get that?”
“Oh.” I threw my hands in the air. “I’m just not in his league, huh?”
“That’s not what I’m fucking saying,” he growled. “He’s trying to ruin shit. Self-sabotaging, punishing himself for something. I don’t know. I don’t think you should encourage what he’s trying to do right now.”
For a few seconds, I just ground my teeth together. “You’re reaching.”
“No, I’m not, and if you stop thinking with your dick for a minute, you’ll see it too. He’s using you.”
My brows pulled down. I struggled to meet his eyes as his words twisted inside of me. “I’m trying to help him. That’s why he came to me.”
With a sigh, he moved closer. “Look, Tilian. I know he likes you for real, but he also flat out told me he wouldn’t sleep with you because he knows you’ll fall for him, which he’s said he doesn’t want. He’s not thinking clearly right now. If he does all of this, it’ll blow up in his face and he’ll feel like shit, which I think is the point for some reason.”
“You don’t know him.”
“Neither do you. Just, for your sake and his, you should slow shit down. Don’t let him be reckless with you. Or let him fuck up someone else for his entertainment. I don’t know.”
“He really left?” I asked barely above a whisper.
“We were both being dicks, but yeah, he walked out. He’s off right now. I called him out and he got angry. That’s all that happened. He’s trying to drown himself and I know that you can see that.”
“You should leave.”
“Tilian.”
“Just go,” I snapped. “I’m tired.”
“Okay. Think about what I said please. I’m not trying to be a dick.”
“I know.”
Once he was gone, I checked my phone. There were no messages, which shouldn’t have made me feel as despondent as I did. Things just couldn’t be simple with him.
Lying back on the bed, I decided to send him a text. Just one.
Tilian: I just want to check in. Honestly, I’m a little lost here and it sort of feels like I did something wrong or took advantage of u when u were in a bad place or something. Just… text me, I guess.
I wished I could simply go to sleep and hope he’d text me, but that wasn’t how my brain worked. Right now, I was in an anxiety spiral, going over every part of our interaction- his words, my words, his reactions and expressions. I was looking for any sign that he hadn’t actually wanted that. He hadn’t been drunk and I didn’t think he was high. He was emotionally volatile, though, and that was what made me feel like I’d fucked up.
Since I probably wasn’t the best person to go after him right now, I decided to text Sen.
Tilian: Can one of you try to check on Brooks? He’s not good.
Sen: What’s going on?
Tilian: Idk really. He came here… I think it’s really bad. Something is wrong.
Sen: Why don’t you talk to him?
Tilian: I just think it’s better if I don’t. I’m gonna try to sleep.
Sen: Ok. We’ll figure it out.
Hopefully, they could.
I was so fucking scared.
*****
When there was a knock on my door, my heart rate skyrocketed. Sleep had evaded me entirely and it was after midnight, so I assumed I wouldn’t get any rest tonight.
I didn’t bother to put a shirt on before I opened the door. My eyes widened when I saw Sen standing in front of me.
“Hey,” he said, rocking back on his heels with his hands in his pockets. He looked a little awkward, which made me feel slightly better that I felt the same way.
“Uh, hi. What’s up? Did you find Brooks? I’ve been freaking out and my anxiety is so fucking bad, I thought I was gonna be sick.”
He grabbed my bicep gently. “No need to freak out. Let’s talk.”
“Oh, sure.”
I motioned for him to come in, then grabbed the first hoodie I found. Once I was no longer in a state that might get me murked by his boyfriend, I sat at the head of the bed and folded my legs in front of me.
“We found him,” he said as he sat down.
“Fuck, thank god. Where was he?”
“Home. He let us in this time. Kai is there.”
I nodded, feeling relieved about that, even as I wondered if I should’ve gone. It was best this way, though. They’d known him longer and they wouldn’t let him bury his emotions by using their bodies.
“Can you tell me what happened? Did he say anything to you?”
“Is he okay?” I asked instead of answering his questions.
He stared at me for a minute, expressionless. It made me squirm and I wondered if he knew how I’d handled the situation. Maybe that why he was here, to tell me I’d fucked up or that I shouldn’t see him again. The idea made my eyes sting.
“Hey,” he said gently. When I looked at him again, his expression was kind. “I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay. Both of you.”
“He hadn’t answered my texts all week,” I began, wringing my hands in my lap. “He showed up at my door earlier and he was a mess, just all over the place, barely keeping himself together. Um, he told me I should stay away from him.”
“Why?”
“Because he would hurt me.” My eyes fell to the comforter. “I didn’t care about that, I just wanted to help him. He… said that he did something.”
“Did he say what?”
“No, and I wouldn’t tell you even if he did. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You don’t want to break his trust.”
“I don’t know if I have that anymore.”
Sen leaned forward and took my hand. It made the emotions surface and I couldn’t stop a tear from escaping my eye.
Sniffling, I grabbed my pen from the nightstand and took a long hit. When I offered it to him, he took it tentatively.
“How do you smoke this if you have anxiety? I tried it and it made me panic.”
Despite everything, I laughed. “It helps me. Depends whatd you smoke too. Everyone reacts differently, but that one might not make you freak out.”
He took a small hit before he handed it back to me.
“He does trust you,” he said after a while. “Your name was one of the first things out of his mouth when we got there. He said he needed to know if you were okay.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
“That and I was just worried because of your texts. We’re friends, remember?”
“Yeah… I guess the tables turned this time.”
“Quid pro quo.” He scooted back to lean against the wall. “Thank you for texting me. He’s… not okay. He won’t tell us, but I’m glad he’s not alone right now.”
“Has he been like this before?”
“Not that we’ve seen. He’s Brooks, though. Even if he had, we probably wouldn’t know. If you didn’t say anything, we’d probably see him next week and he’d seem perfectly normal.”
“I hate that,” I said with a sigh. “I want to know him.”
“Don’t we all?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Do you think I’m making it worse?”
His brow furrowed. “How?”
“I don’t know… I don’t know what he wants or needs. It sort of feels like…” I took a deep breath, trying to organize my thoughts. “Dean said he’s using me to feel better. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. I just don’t want him to hurt himself and not deal with the things that make him like this.”
“I think you guys should really talk about it. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on with you two, but if you keep doing this, you’re gonna hurt each other. Obviously, you’re really wrapped up in trying to be there for him, but you should care about yourself in this too, Tilian.”
Even though I didn’t want to, I nodded. He wasn’t wrong. Somehow, I’d gotten to a point where I put him above me and I was consumed by a need to protect him. I didn’t think that was bad, per se, but I needed to find balance. Otherwise, I’d get burned too, and that didn’t help anyone.
“If I take a step back, do you think that makes me a bad person?”
“No. I think you’re only a bad person if your intentions are bad.”
“Thank you,” I said. “For coming here and for making sure he’s okay.”
“Of course. I’ve gotta head out, but you know you can text me whenever.”
As he got up, he continued to watch me. I forced a smile and he turned around to leave. Even after the door closed, I stared at it for a while. I was startled out of my daze when my phone buzzed.
Brooks: Can I see you?
My eyes burned as I gripped the phone. I wanted to say yes, to jump in my car and drive over there because of one text. Instead, I got under the covers and rolled onto my side. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or be impulsive.
Tilian: I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.
It showed as read, but he didn’t respond. I might have made it worse, but like Sen said, I needed to watch out for myself too, so I had to take some time to think, just like he should.
I couldn’t save him and I couldn’t be there to catch him every time if I didn’t know what any of it even meant. If I did that, it would destroy me because at this point, I didn’t think he’d ever be able to commit to something real.
And me… If I wasn’t careful, I’d find myself in love with a man who might run from me forever.