Chapter 27
“What really matters is what you do with what you have.”
Brooks
Maybe I’ll find a light
At a certain point, I’d drifted off. I felt better than when I was last awake, which was good. Kai and Sen helped bring me back to myself a little more. I could tell they were annoyed that I wouldn’t tell them what was going on, but just having them there helped keep me from sinking again.
There was no pressure in my head and whatever had been floating around for the past week had receded back to its rightful place.
I took a deep breath. The air in my lungs felt so fucking good that I did it again.
When I checked my phone, I was shocked. It was Monday. Had I slept through all of yesterday? I guess that was why I felt rested.
I saw a text from Oliver, reminding me that we were doing the survey for our research project today. It was happening in twenty minutes, so I jumped to my feet and took the fastest shower of my life. We’d set this date two weeks ago and if I didn’t show up on time, I’d look like an asshole.
For our sociology project, we were conducting a survey on campus to figure out what students did and didn’t know about mental health resources offered by the university. It would probably be boring and a lot of people would ignore us, but that was fine. I was very good at roping people in and since I’d slept like the dead for over twenty-four hours, I was ready to go.
When I whipped into a parking spot, I had two minutes to spare. I ran through the courtyard, then slowed to a walk when I was close enough for them to see me.
Dean, Oliver, and Tilian were at a table outside of the cafeteria. There was a banner across the front of it that said, Mental Health Isn’t Taken Seriously Enough. Change My Mind.
The thing made me laugh. Tilian thought it’d be funny because of some meme trend that I vaguely remembered back when it was more popular.
While I continued the rest of the way, I slowed my breathing so that they wouldn’t know I’d rushed here. I’d shown up at eleven on the dot because I’d meant to. A wizard is never late, nor is he early. Yadda yadda yadda.
With my hands in my pockets, I stopped in front of the table and smiled. “I’d love to answer some questions about mental health. Lay it on me.”
Dean frowned, but he didn’t look as hostile as the last time I’d seen him. “Nice of you to show up.”
I checked the time on my phone, then turned it around to show him. “As usual, I’m absolutely perfect.”
I wanted to avoid Tilian’s stare, but it was rude and I just couldn’t. Forcing a brighter smile, I looked at him. It was obvious that he was uncertain about, well, everything.
“Hey,” Oliver said, forcing my attention away from Tilian. “I haven’t seen you all week. You okay?”
“I’m great. Just got this stomach bug that tried to kill me, but I’m better now.”
“That’s good to hear. If you need notes from class, I can share.”
“Actually, yeah. Thanks, man.”
“Of course.”
A guy with shockingly red hair came up to look at one of the pamphlets. I squared my shoulders and readied myself to lay on the charm. We needed surveys, after all.
Dean was talking to a few girls who looked more interested in him than the survey. It made my lips twitch when Oliver joined them. He was boisterous and made the girls laugh, but I saw his gaze flit to Dean a couple of times.
I still hadn’t figured out if he was gay. More accurately, I hadn’t figured out if he had accepted that he was crushing on a man. It was pretty obvious unless he was in some hardcore denial. Dean was super duper straight and, to be fair, I hadn’t seen him show interest in Oliver.
Poor guy. I wanted to tell him to find someone who could give him what he wanted, but that felt a little hypocritical at the moment. I still hadn’t figured my own shit out.
The fact that Tilian thought he’d done something wrong made me want to pull him aside and clear everything up. I just didn’t know what to say. If he’d come over when I texted him, I would’ve tried to explain it, but he said it wasn’t a good idea. I still wasn’t sure what that meant. Judging by the way he’d been avoiding me since I got here, I had a bad feeling about the state of our relationship.
It was for the best. I’d been saying that for a long time, but I was too weak to cut it off. If he’d chosen to do that now, I wouldn’t stop him. He deserved more. He deserved everything that I couldn’t give him.
He shouldn’t be with someone like me, a guy who led him on without committing to him. Someone who didn’t know how to stop playing games. A fucked up man who slept with faculty to get ahead. One with parents who encourage that shit.
Tilian was just leaning against the building. I hadn’t expected him to talk to people, but he looked lost in his head. When he met my eyes, I turned away. I wanted to go over to him, to ask how he was feeling, but I didn’t.
*****
The story of my life
“Why do you look like that?” West asked.
I glanced up at him, then immediately regretted it when I witnessed him shove an entire cookie into his mouth. Gross.
“I’m peachy.”
“Lies. Looks like unrequited love to me.”
“Oh, it’s very requited,” Sen said with a conspiratorial smile.
“You’re too nosey,” I said. “Maybe you should pay attention to your boyfriend. He seems lonely.”
When I looked at Kai, he was watching something outside. People, probably. He was in golden retriever mode.
One would think that they’d lay off since it’d only been a few days since they came to my place. In a way, though, I was glad they were acting normal.
West pointed his fork at me. “Who’s the lucky gal? Or lad? That Tilian guy?”
I stared at the utensil with my nose wrinkled. He’d just eaten a chocolate chip cookie and now he was digging into his pot pie. There should be laws against this kind of behavior. We could name them after him.
“It’s nobody. I’m not going for it.”
“That’s stupid. Why not?”
“Why aren’t you?”
A blank expression met my question. Either he really was clueless or he was in denial. It could be both somehow.
For once, I didn’t want to think about his problems or anyone else’s. I was hung up on my own.
I shouldn’t seek him out again, but something about Tilian’s nature drew me in. I wanted to feel the way I had on Saturday night. Maybe if I was with him, my head wouldn’t get fucked up again.
Brooks: You going to the party this weekend?
Read. Dots. Disappear. Dots.
I was starting to understand that anxiety Tilian felt every day. It was sort of ironic that he was the one causing it.
Tilian: Not sure.
Brooks: We can carpool.
Tilian: I’ll let you know.
I dropped the phone on the table and flinched at how loud it was. Everyone at the table looked at me with concern, which I resented.
“So, what have you guys been up to?” I asked to dispel the awkwardness. “You’ve been aloof.”
“I’ve been busy,” Sen replied. “Work and my welding program are kicking my ass.”
“I bet. As long as it pays off, right?”
“It will,” Kai chimed in. “He’ll be the greatest badass that ever badassed.” He pointed his fork at me. “It’s you who’s been aloof . AKA, missing in action. AKA, living in the shadows like a wight.”
I grinned and ran my tongue over the tip of my canine. “Everybody loves a shadow daddy.”
Kai grunted, but Sen laughed. “Oh, is there someone who’s calling you daddy?”
“Nah. That’s not my thing. Unless specifically requested, of course.”
“Maybe it’s because you have daddy issues,” Kai noted, obviously still in a mood.
“That’s possible. Although, my problems are more aligned with my mom, which is arguably worse.”
“Please tell me you’re just gonna declare your love for him soon,” Sen said with a sigh.
I recoiled. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You know.”
Kai perched his chin on his fist and looked at me. “Sen’s nosey. Sorry, not sorry. Now I’m curious too.”
“Regrettably, I am a lone wolf and am incapable of love.”
“You’re impossible,” Sen groaned. “Bet Tilian has a fat dick.”
The smirk on his face while Kai narrowed his eyes at him made me laugh. He was becoming such a problem in the best way.
Unfortunately, his words had me thinking about the way Tilian’s dick had felt in my mouth. It was a short trip from that memory to him having my dick in his mouth. If it wasn’t completely unhealthy, I’d claim it as my cure to all of my mental health concerns.
Maybe that should be part of our project. A good blowjob is the cure to depression. Change my mind.
It wouldn’t have been the same with just anyone, though. For some reason, I was hung up on this one. Again, why couldn’t I have him?
The entire time I thought about it, Dean’s words rang in my head, over and over again like the incessant toll of a really fucked up bell.
Will walking around on feet soaked in blood get you where you’re going?
I didn’t know when I’d become so weak. There was some fucking blight inside of me, infecting me. Like I told Dean, love ruined people’s potential. Maybe I didn’t want potential if it didn’t lead me back to Tilian.
I needed to see him. We’d figure this shit out. He didn’t ruin me. He made me feel better.
If he gave you his heart, all you’d know how to do is crush it beneath your fancy shoes.
Dean was a dick and he was wrong. With him, it wasn’t a game. I did care about him. Too much.
Fuck. I needed a lobotomy.
“He’s sweet,” Sen went on. “I love him.”
“You love him, huh?” Kai said in a low voice.
“Oh, shut up. I’ve never wanted any dick but yours.”
“Hm. I’m beginning to think you’re losing interest. You love Tilian, you called Linc hot the other day.”
Sen leaned closer to him. “I’ll show you how interested I am right now.”
Kai yanked him to his feet. “Bye.”
I laughed while they headed out of the building. They weren’t going in the direction of the parking lot and I didn’t want to know which part of campus was about to get a dose of them.