Chapter 38
“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.”
Brooks
Nowhere is safe
Something was different since last night. My mind had opened up that box of demons and with it, a host of memories were unleashed.
Objectively, what I did with Holly shouldn’t have bothered me this much. It should’ve been the same as with my history teacher, my principal, and a few others.
Responsibilities. I had responsibilities, which meant I had to do whatever it took to succeed. There was no room for error. Either buy your way in or sleep your way in. Neither of them bothered me.
It was the same .
Why the fuck did I keep feeling sick when I thought about her, then? It kept coming back and when it did, I felt nauseous. There was this urge to shower and scratch off my skin until I felt clean again.
I’d gone in there with a purpose. I knew what was going to happen and I consented to it. I didn’t want her to climb on my lap to get me off when I was trying to leave, but I could’ve stopped her and I didn’t.
This one made me feel gross. Maybe it was because my mom not only knew about it, but also endorsed it.
Or it was just my head. I felt what I’d done beyond the surface level I usually existed in. With the others, I’d think, ‘Ugh, let’s get this over with.’ This time, ‘no’ had been repeating in my head the entire time.
Had I said it aloud? I couldn’t remember. I’d bitten my tongue until it was painful so that I wouldn’t mess everything up.
At one point in the night, I considered just going home, but I decided to lie with Tilian for a while to see if I felt better. After a few hours of staring at the ceiling, I was ready to leave, but he turned over, locked his leg over mine, and settled under my arm with his head on my chest.
He hadn’t moved since.
My fingers traced his spine, then curved around his side. After slipping them into the waistband of his briefs, I used my nails to follow the same path back up. The man wasn’t that deep of a sleeper and when I was on my second pass, he stirred and tucked his face into my chest.
“Leave me alone,” he mumbled.
“No thanks.”
“You’re so annoying.”
“Then why do you keep tolerating me?”
“You have a nice dick.”
I laughed and rolled him onto his back. He immediately grabbed the sides of my neck to pull me into a kiss. Taking his hands in mine, I thrust them above his head. His lips fell open for me and when his tongue met mine, I sucked on it the way he liked.
I crossed his wrists, then gripped them with one hand so that I could touch his throat. Instead of choking him- yet- I brushed down his trachea. When I reached his collarbone, I traced it and kissed the places my fingers had been.
My teeth tugged on his nipple and his hips arched upward. Continuing to play with it, I looked at him. His blue eyes were locked on me and his lips were parted.
“I want to devour you whole,” I said.
“That’s a choking hazard.”
“Mm. Maybe I’ll take bites, then.” I demonstrated on his nipple, making him let out a little yelp.
“This is the stupidest thing I’ll ever say, but we can’t do this.”
“You’re right. That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”
“I may love to disappoint my family, but I don’t need them to know what I sound like when I cum.”
“How else am I gonna ignore my problems if you don’t let me fuck you?”
He frowned and I released his wrists so that I could continue to drag my lips down his abdomen. When I was just above his dick, he sat up and tugged on my hair. It woke all of my frustration and anger and agony; all the things that weren’t his fault, but I still locked my fingers around his throat and took away his air. He didn’t have a chance to suck in a breath, but he didn’t struggle. After he released my hair, he put his hand on my chest.
“You’re saying I can’t suck your dick?” He shook his head. “Or eat your ass?” A choked whimper squeezed out of his throat. “Or fuck you when we’re in an actual bed?”
His index and middle fingers traced my lips, then my cheekbone. Even though I was keeping him from breathing right now, he continued around my face slowly. My eyes closed as he buried his fingers in my hair again. This time, he didn’t pull on it. He just brushed through it, over and over.
I didn’t realize I’d loosened my grip until I heard him inhale. He never gasped for breath after I choked him. It was like he didn’t feel afraid or desperate from the lack of oxygen. He just drew in long, steady breaths until they could even out again.
“I’ve never let anyone touch my hair,” I said.
He smiled softly. “What do you really want from your future?”
“You already know what my plan is.”
“Tell me the truth.”
I captured his chin between my thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know what to tell you. That’s the truth.”
“I want to unbury the real you.”
“This is the real me.” When his lips thinned, I bit down on my cheek. “It’s not important.”
“It is to me.”
“Fine. One question and I’ll answer honestly.”
“No clever Fae tricks to skirt the truth either.”
“Boring, but okay.”
“What are you most afraid of?”
I dropped my hand and blinked a few times. “Failure and perfection.”
“Those are two things.”
“And there’s no in-between. If you’re not perfect, you’ve failed in at least one way. You have no choice but to exist within one of them. They’re mutually exclusive, which makes them both terrifying.”
“That’s… a really sad outlook to have,” he said.
“Is it?”
I scooted off the bed and grabbed my pants out of my bag.
“Ask me something,” Tilian suggested.
While I got dressed, I racked my brain. It occurred to me that I could probably ask him things whenever I wanted and he’d tell me the truth. Still, I liked our little game.
Once my pants were buttoned, I set my knee on the bed beside him. He looked up at me in a way that convinced me he’d do anything I said, despite his resistance earlier.
I brushed his lip with my tongue and when he opened, I bit down on it and tugged hard. “Tell me one of your fantasies.”
When he looked ready to pull back, I grabbed his throat, immediately making him compliant.
“Uh, I don’t know. Probably what we did last night.”
I tutted at him. “That’s a cop out.”
With a groan, he wrapped his fingers around my wrist. “This. You, in general. The way you treat me.”
“Mm. Nobody’s ever tried to own you, baby?”
‘No,” he breathed. “They’ve used me for my body, I guess, but not like what you do. And through it all, you still make it seem like you care.”
“I do care.” I squeezed his throat, taking away his breath, and he just continued to look up at me. “Do you trust me?”
A single nod. My nostrils flared as I was assaulted by gardenia perfume and manicured nails on my skin.
“Then, you’re too na?ve. Remember what I said about giving me your heart?”
I released him and turned to grab my bag. After I slung it over my shoulder, I headed for the door.
“Brooks.”
“I’m gonna put my stuff in the car, then see if Alex is up. I promised him a ride.”
On my way out, I heard Tilian release a frustrated growl.
Before I came here, I could’ve easily stopped at my apartment, a gas station, or dug around in my car for a hair tie, but I’d kept it down for Tilian’s sake. There was bound to be one on the floor somewhere, which was exactly why I dropped my bag in the trunk before I started searching every crevice. When I finally found one, it felt like my entire body lightened by fifty pounds.
Now that I felt a little less unhinged, I pulled out my phone and started walking toward the edge of their property. There was something I needed to do and I couldn’t put it off any longer.
*****
Making a new, unexpected friend
“Brooks, we’ve been worried about you.”
My dad’s tone wasn’t scolding or overly controlled like my mom’s when she was upset. I could hear the actual concern there and it made me feel bad for ignoring them.
I was a bit of a coward for calling him. I knew that she was in court right now since I’d called her secretary, Dorian, to see if she was in. It may have been pathetic, but with how volatile my emotions had been over the past few weeks, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her yet.
The cow on the other side of the short fence worked its jaw endlessly. It hadn’t stopped staring at me since I walked up to it. I’d never seen a cow in person and I was surprised by how cute I found it.
Dropping into a crouch, I wrapped some of the tall grass around my hand and pulled it from the ground. When I held it out, the cow ate it from my palm. Its lips felt weird as hell. Tentatively, I reached forward and ran my fingers over its fur. Did cows bite? Fuck, I hoped not.
“Sorry,” I said. “I’ve been busy.”
“Too busy for a text?”
“Yeah… No. I don’t know, Dad.”
“What’s going on?”
Tears pricked my eyes as I continued to stroke my new friend. There was a pond not too far away with a goose flapping the water off its wings. I watched it run off a couple of ducks like the asshole it was.
I had no idea if my dad knew about the situation with Holly. While I couldn’t imagine he’d approve, I’d thought the same thing about my mom. Lately, it felt like we were strangers. Ever since I got to Seattle, I’d been sinking deeper into these fears about who they really were as people, not just as my parents.
If he didn’t know, I sort of wanted to keep it that way. I wasn’t sure if it’d be worse if he agreed with her or was disgusted by me. Had they both done things like this on their path to success? Were millions of dollars worth getting on your knees for everyone who asked?
“Brooks?”
“My head’s just off,” I replied. “Uh, can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“Do you and mom always agree on everything?”
A long stretch of silence passed. “No. I think it’s impossible for people to always agree, even if they’re married. We’re all our own person and disagreements aren’t always bad. Sometimes, they give us opportunities to shift our perceptions and find a common ground that’s better than our original ideas.”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.”
“Is there someone you have a disagreement with? Someone romantic, maybe.”
“Um, no.”
Fuck. Where were all these filler words coming from? I tried to clear my head before I went on.
“Would you be mad if I was seeing someone?”
“I don’t know why you’d think that.”
“Because it could take away some time from studying. I might be distracted.”
He chuckled. “Brooks, you’re in college. Keep your grades up and don’t get into trouble, but you’re allowed to live your life beyond just school, you know.”
“I… didn’t know. Is that how Mom feels?”
“Is that what your questions are about? Are you upset with her or something?”
A few more geese joined the first and one of them ducked its head under the water. I wondered what it was like to simply exist like that. Fly here, swim there, attack a toddler once in a while.
“No, we’re good,” I said casually. “I just want to make sure that everyone’s on the same page.”
More silence. It had me grabbing more grass to keep my animal friend from leaving me alone. When my dad sighed, I tensed.
“You know,” he began, “I taught you that exact phrase as a way to mitigate situations similar to this one. You’re clever and damn smart, but I’ve been at this a lot longer than you and I have real life experience. So, cut the shit and tell me what’s going on between you two.”
Panic rose in my chest, constricting my throat. I hated the idea that he could see through me, but I didn’t want to tell him the truth. Maybe I should’ve talked to him before I went through with it that day. It might have changed what happened.
It didn’t matter anyway. I needed to accept that it wasn’t a big deal and I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Regardless, something rose in my throat and tears spilled down my cheeks. I crouched and put a hand over my mouth.
“Brooks?”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn’t fall apart.
“We just didn’t agree on something,” I said, hating how tight my voice was. “It’s fine.”
“What was the disagreement?”
“Just about how committed I am to the future. She was right anyway.”
“Okay. If you want to actually talk about it, you know you can call me, right?”
I took a shuddering breath and swiped my hand over my cheeks. “Yup, of course.”
“Good. Tell me about this person you’re interested in.”
“Nobody specific,” I said quickly. “I was just curious, but I don’t think I’ll even consider an actual relationship until after I graduate. Can’t let them get attached to this glorious hair anyway, you know?”
“Your hair?”
“Anyway, I need to go. I have a paper to do. Love you, Dad.”
“Love you too.”
My heart was still racing as I headed back to the house. I shouldn’t have brought up a relationship. He might suspect something now. When they came to visit, he could be curious and try to get information, then everything would be ruined.
These two worlds I was caught between couldn’t collide. They were mutually exclusive like perfection and failure.
Anything outside of the future I’d been pursuing for eighteen years would shove me off course from the former. Like my tattoos, if nobody saw them, they didn’t exist. And if my mom found out, she’d probably carve those from my skin.
I could keep this. I had to keep this.