Chapter 40
Tilian
Sometimes, I just needed to blast music at an ungodly volume. Not out loud, obviously. That would draw attention. With it blaring through my earbuds, I’d probably fuck up my hearing. Did I give a shit? Nah.
It helped that I was stoned out of my mind, far beyond my usual level. That hadn’t helped me when I freaked out about that Holly bitch, but I didn’t want to think about that right now. It was my own fault for jumping to conclusions. I had no idea what the situation was, so I was just going to ignore the world until Brooks got back. Maybe even then because bringing it up sounded nausea-inducing and not bringing it up sounded nausea-inducing. Nausea all around.
Did I say I was stoned? Not enough for my liking, which was why dabs existed.
When I reached the right level of existence, I dropped onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. I focused on the music and closed my eyes to follow the lyrics. Something about it raging in my ears helped me relax.
Hopefully, I’d fall asleep if I stayed like this for long enough.
Tapping my fingers along to the song, I started mouthing it quietly. Song after song, I continued. It was sort of funny how I couldn’t remember what I ate yesterday, but I knew the lyrics to a thousand songs.
Suddenly, I was flipped onto my stomach by a strong grip. There was pressure on my wrists, then they were thrust above me. Weight on my back kept me firmly in place, igniting uncontrollable panic.
Taking my jaw, the person- who I assumed and really hoped was Brooks- turned my head enough to kiss me. Since he was still holding my arms above me with one hand, I could hardly do anything to fight him. Apparently, I wasn’t safe in my musical hibernation.
I bit down on his lip. When he didn’t pull back, I increased the pressure. The taste of copper on my tongue almost made me relent, but I hated that he still didn’t try to stop me.
“Let me go,” I demanded.
He dropped his lips to my neck and I felt them move, but I couldn’t hear through the music in my ears. I shook my head, trying to dislodge my earbuds. Right now, I regretted all the time I’d spent researching ones that wouldn’t fall out.
“Brooks,” I gritted out.
He tugged on my ear lobe with his teeth, then returned to my lips. Again, he said something that I couldn’t hear.
“My music,” I said. “I don’t know what you’re saying.”
He flipped me onto my back again and I was met with an infuriating smirk. I watched his lips move, but I was shit at reading them. It was all just a jumble that was indecipherable
When he released my wrists, I slammed my hands into his chest. He grabbed onto them and held them against him. Something in his eyes softened as he stared down at me. The only thing I could think about was how much I regretted not taking out my earbuds before I struck him.
“I can’t hear you.”
He shook his head, still smiling. And he kept talking. I didn’t know what to be more upset about right now, his lying tendencies or this fucking stunt.
“Go away. Fuck off. Are you understanding me yet?”
He took one of the buds out and put it in his own ear. When his smile widened, I averted my gaze. After that stressful experience, my frustration had mounted. I wanted to know what the fuck was going on and I hated that I knew he’d fight me on it. Or he’d just lie.
“Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk right now,” I said.
“But I do.”
“It’s not like I can trust anything that comes out of your mouth anyway.”
His eyes closed and I hated that I wanted to find a way to make him smile like he had been a minute ago.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“Why would you say that?” he asked.
I just shook my head. He inhaled deeply, then jumped to his feet.
“Was she in here?” he asked, his voice pitching upward.
“Holly? Yeah, she left you a note.”
He swallowed hard and blinked a few times.
“Can we… go out there?”
I wanted to say no, but something was clearly wrong, so I nodded and got off the bed. He picked me up and I had no choice but to wrap my legs around him for fear of falling.
“Brooks,” I scolded.
“You’re mad. We’re going to talk. And I just need you close right now.”
“Why?”
“I just do.”
When he sat on the couch, he held me tightly in his lap and tucked his face into my neck. It seemed like he was smelling me, which was a little weird.
“Tell me why you’re lying to me.”
“I’m not.”
I scoffed. “’Your lips drip honey, and your speech is smoother than oil; but in the end you are bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.’”
His brow furrowed. “What is that?”
“A verse.”
It pissed me off that he was trying not to smile. “From the Bible? Do you have the whole thing memorized?”
“No. Some. My dad made me read it as punishment. It’s not funny right now.”
“Sorry,” he said, becoming serious again. “You don’t think I’m being honest.”
“You’re not.”
“You don’t understand.”
“No, I do.” I shook my head and took a deep breath. “Or I want to. You struggle with shit. I know that. I know you won’t be perfect all the time and yeah, maybe I’ll be hurt sometimes, but that happens in every relationship. I’ll be here through a lot, but I can’t do this if you flat out lie to me. Can’t you understand that?”
Leaning forward, he brushed his lips over my brow. “I want you, Tilian. Whatever it takes.”
“Then you need to tell me the truth.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“How am I supposed to trust you?” I whispered.
“Putting your trust in someone is always a bargain. Anyone can betray you.”
“That doesn’t make me want to do it, that’s for sure.”
“I’m going against myself here, trying to do better because it’s what you deserve. I still think you should have so much more, but I’m here, ready to fight so that I can keep you.”
“And what about your parents?” I ventured. “Aren’t they part of the reason behind all of this?”
His emotions became hidden from me and I wanted to be mad about it, but I wasn’t sure that he knew he was doing it.
“For you, I’ll do anything. You are the only one I want and if I could give you the world, I’d do it.” He leaned in to press a soft kiss to my lips. “I sorta want to keep you forever, Tilian. How can I prove it to you?”
“I can’t just let all of this go like that. I don’t know where we stand if you won’t tell me the truth.” He didn’t respond, which made me angry again. “Maybe I need to go so that we can both think.”
He tightened his grip on me, but the look of panic on his face kept me in place more than his arms.
“Don’t leave. Please, I don’t… I don’t want to be alone and I feel like she’s in my fucking head.”
“Who?” I whispered.
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
Suddenly, he set me on the couch and just… walked away. I stared after him, no longer angry at all. I was fucking concerned. Terrified. I felt sick thinking about what this could possibly be about.
Instead of going to his room, he went to the guest one. The door closed behind him, but I wasn’t going to let him shut me out. Even if he couldn’t talk about it right now, there was no way I was going to leave him by himself. He said he didn’t want to be alone.
In the silence was where he lost himself the most.
I opened the door and peered inside. He was in the bed, covered by a blanket. I’d never dealt with anything like this and I had no idea how to approach it.
Without a word, I took off my shoes and shirt. Skin to skin contact was soothing for babies, but it also worked for adults. Something about releasing hormones and a bunch of other stuff that was outside of my intelligence level.
I dropped to my knees on the bed, then tugged on the covers. When I got them down, I immediately straddled his hips and pushed his shirt up. He looked at me like I was crazy, but he pulled it off, so I laid on top of him with my head against his neck. His arms came around me as he took a long breath.
“I’m sorry.” He smoothed his hands down my back before moving one into my hair. “I can’t stand your pain, baby. I’m sorry I caused it.”
“I know. You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.”
When his body shook a little, I wanted to look up, but I didn’t want him to shut down.
“Are you empty right now?” I asked.
He nodded.
“That’s why I’m here. You have to let me in, though.”
“No.”
I huffed, even though I didn’t want to be frustrated with him.
“I don’t know what to do, Brooks.”
“Nothing. It’s not your problem to handle.”
“Just stop,” I demanded a little too firmly.
“You’re gonna leave if I tell you.”
“I’m here, baby. I know you’re not perfect and that’s completely okay. I don’t want you to be perfect, otherwise you wouldn’t be human, and it doesn’t make you a failure.”
“I slept with someone,” he blurted, then held me tighter, almost too much for me to breathe.
“Recently?”
“Before this.”
That was a small relief, at least.
“You’ve slept with a lot of people,” I noted, trying to push back the nausea from the fears that had surfaced.
“This was different. It was business and I hated it.”
“Business… Did someone manipulate you? Or hurt you?”
“I’m not fucking traumatized by it,” Brooks snapped.
I kissed his neck softly. “It’s okay. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. I can’t tell you if this is correct, but I think that trying to convince yourself you’re fine doesn’t give you the chance to heal.”
“There’s nothing to heal from.”
Closing my eyes, I continued to move my lips across his skin. I was struggling to keep my own emotions in check, but I had to for his sake.
“Brooks… You looked sick when you smelled her perfume. All of this is making you afraid. That’s not nothing.”
“I don’t like who I am.” His voice cracked and I pulled back, seeing tears in his eyes. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Don’t want to do what?”
“Be this person. I don’t want to be me anymore. I’m empty and if I open up, I’ll drain you just to feel whole for a second.”
“You’re not a black hole.”
“You want me to tell you about me, but I don’t know how.”
I stroked his hair away from his face. “You think all these horrible things about yourself, but they aren’t true. They aren’t. Show me who you are and I’ll show you what I love about every part.”
“I’m a product of a world that preys on the weak, Tilian.”
“That’s sort of… dramatic. You’re eighteen years old. You still have every opportunity to keep yourself from doing things that will make you like them. And whatever has already happened, you can choose not to do it again. It happened and now you can move on. It’s over.”
His fingers tightened and released on my skin a few times. “That’s what Kai said, but I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“That it’s too late. I lie and manipulate. At the drop of a hat, I can become exactly who I need to be to play the game flawlessly.”
“Fuck the game. Flip the board. Shove the pieces down some CEO’s throat.”
Despite everything, he breathed a small laugh. “If I’m not all of that, then I don’t know who I am.”
“I know who you are. I see you. I fucking see you and I just wish you could too.” I kissed his lips gently, hoping he took comfort from it the way I did. “You will, okay? You’ll see what I do.”
He just nodded and dropped his gaze.
“Have you thought about taking some time to think on your own, without your parents in your ear?” I asked.
“I have been. The other day, I talked to my dad and I don’t think he knows what my mom told me to…” He stopped abruptly, that sick look coming over his face.
Lying on his chest again, I stayed silent so that he could process his thoughts. It was comfortable and, in combination with my high, I could fall asleep.
“January,” he said. When I started to lift my head, he moved his hand to the back of my neck, holding me there. “I met with Holly because my mom told me to. Fostering relationships, building connections and all that. I’ve slept with people before to get what I want, but when she initiated, I left. My mom…” He sighed. “She heavily implied that I’d made the wrong decision and needed to fix it. That was a Friday. I went skating with you the next day.”
Oh my god. His strange behavior, the arcade, his volatile emotions, the way he pulled away… I was so blind that day. I thought he was off, but I’d been selfish, asking him for things he couldn’t give, then getting angry about it. If I’d known him the way I did now, maybe I could’ve stopped it…
What ifs weren’t going to help. That was an endless road that led nowhere.
He softened his grip on my neck, but I stayed there, knowing it was easier for him if he wasn’t looking at me. His fingers traced patterns on my skin as he continued.
“Monday, I went back to Holly’s office. I didn’t want to. It felt disgusting, but I tried to convince myself that it was like the others. A transaction, meaningless. I was shocked and horrified when I thought about you and it made me want to stop, but I didn’t. With every… touch… I just wanted someone to save me somehow. I just did enough to make her… then I tried to leave, but…”
“What?” I asked softly.
“She wouldn’t let me unless I finished. If I didn’t, the whole thing would’ve been for nothing, so I… sat there, staring at the fucking ceiling, being useless. “
I was silent for a long time. How could I think of a response to that? If I wasn’t careful with my words, I’d betray how horrified I was on his behalf. I’d seen him just days later, a complete wreck. That was what it’d done to him, but he insisted it was nothing.
“Are you angry?” he asked.
“Yes.” The way he tensed made me want to take it back, but I was angry. Furious. “Not at you, baby. I’m angry for you.”
“I didn’t say no.”
As if that made it any better.
“You were…” I didn’t want to say the word, afraid that it would make him shut down. “You have every right to be upset about this. What happened was wrong. She took advantage of you, coerced you.”
“I didn’t say no,” he repeated.
“It doesn’t matter. That’s not how consent works.”
I finally allowed myself to sit up. I couldn’t stand not being able to see his face. He looked so fucking broken and it killed me inside.
“Brooks, I’m so fucking sorry for what happened when you came to me. I knew something was really wrong and I should’ve seen…”
“There’s no way you could’ve known. It was both of our decision and you’d already pulled me back enough that I knew what I was doing. There’s nothing to feel bad about, okay? I don’t regret it at all because it forced me to look at the way you made me feel, the power you have to keep me above water.”
“Then, I’m sorry for what happened before that.” It was impossible to keep my eyes from watering.
He sighed and ran his hands up my thighs. “It doesn’t really matter. It’s over and I want to move on.”
“We can do that together.”
With a deep breath, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his gallery. When he tapped on a video, my eyes widened.
“Is that…” He nodded. “What do you want to do with it?”
“Nothing, unless I need it. I hate having it. Every time I go to my gallery, I remember it, but I can’t delete it.”
Chewing on my lip, I thought about having him send it to me to keep, but I didn’t want it either. I didn’t think he’d be okay with that anyway.
I pulled up an email app and started making a new account. When I sent him the address, he frowned.
“InCaseOfEmergency420@gmail.com,” he read.
“Send the video there and then delete it from your phone. If you ever need it, you can download it.”
His nostrils flared and he squeezed his phone tightly before he followed my instructions. Once he hit ‘delete,’ he let out a shuddering breath.
“Thank you.”
“You never have to thank me for caring. But you can’t lie anymore, even if it sucks to be honest. If you aren’t ready to tell me something, just say that and I won’t be angry. You want to dip your head below water to shut out your issues for a bit, but I’m here to pull you back up before you fucking die.”
He sat up and held onto the sides of my neck. His breaths were coming quickly and his eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against mine. When he opened them again, he looked determined.
“Whatever happens, I want to talk about it together. That’s how relationships work, right? We figure out where we’re gonna go when it’s time.”
“As long as this is what you want, I’m here.”
“I want you. I don’t know how else to say it or what will happen. I just…” He kissed me desperately and made a sound against my lips. “I want it to work. I fucking want it to work.”
Putting my hand against the side of his face, I stared into his dark eyes, trying to read him. Just like always, it was all but impossible.
“I can’t tell if you’re lying. Can you?”
“I want you,” he repeated firmly instead of answering the question. “That’s the point. I’m admitting my mistakes and asking if we can do this.”
“Okay,” I replied tentatively. “How do I know that I can trust you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Try.”
He looked like he was in pain. After at least a minute, he looked at me.
“I’ve never been afraid to lose someone but also afraid to keep them. This thing has made me a coward and if I think about it, the only thing that makes me feel less afraid of everything around me is you. So, if I’m doomed to be a coward either way, I’m choosing to be afraid to lose you.”
And that was fucking it. I was done for.
Letting out a breath, he pulled me down, keeping me on top of him. I ran my fingers through his hair repeatedly for what felt like hours. Eventually, he laid me beside him and draped his arm across my stomach. With his head on my shoulder, I could feel his breaths against my neck. Only when they evened out did I close my eyes.
Like this, I realized that Brooks was even more at risk of falling apart than I’d known. He was fighting and now that he’d opened up to me- truly opened up- I knew what I was defending him from.
In whatever way I could, I’d help him learn how to be free. He could go back to New York and become what they wanted him to be, but he wasn’t allowed to lose himself in the process.
He was too beautiful to become someone else.
I’d punch some bitch ass New York lawyer in the face if I had to.
I had a feeling that this wasn’t the last obstacle we’d have to clear. The question was: Would he continue to choose me when push came to shove? He asked me to trust him, so that was what I’d do.