CHAPTER FIVE
An hour later, as Graham signaled to turn onto the cross street a couple of blocks away from the O’Shea’s row house in Charlestown, he spotted Thad.
He was walking quickly along the cross street, head up, scanning the sidewalk around him.
The first thought that flickered through Graham’s mind was that Thad had been forced to park farther away because of a lack of available spots. He’d gotten to the party before Graham tonight though, and Graham hadn’t had any trouble parking close.
When there was a gap in traffic, Graham turned, cruising up beside Thad.
His expression was wary, and he walked faster, darting quick glances over his shoulder until Graham got the window down and called out, “Hey, Thad!”
“Uh, hey,” Thad said, frowning at him as he slowed. “What’s up?”
“Why are you walking? Where’s your car?”
“In the shop. Some exhaust issue.” Thad stopped and so did Graham, putting on his flashers as some asshole swerved around him and laid on the horn, nearly taking out his side mirror. “I was going to take the MBTA home.”
“You want a ride instead?” Graham had heard nightmares about the city’s public transit system.
“Uh, sure,” Thad said, sounding surprised as he leaned his elbows on the open window. “I mean, I don’t mind walking or hopping on the train. It’s a nice night. And my place is way out of your way …”
Graham shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m heading over to Madison’s anyway.”
Thad rolled his eyes. “Dude, then why the fuck are you offering me a ride? What kind of buddy would I be if I kept you from getting laid?”
Graham bit back the urge to make a comment he knew he shouldn’t say aloud. “It’s fine. It’s still pretty early and she’s got a thing tonight. Some event she had to attend for work. We weren’t getting together until later anyway. I was going to chill there until she got home.”
“Sure, okay,” Thad said, sliding into Graham’s car.
Graham’s heart leaped when their forearms brushed.
“Any big plans for tomorrow?” he asked as he turned off the flashers and merged into traffic again.
“Uhh, medicals and testing for training camp?” Thad said, buckling himself in. “Same as you. I mean, not same as you. I’ll be recording while you sweat your balls off but …”
Graham laughed. “Right. Yeah. I meant, like … after.”
“Don’t you guys usually do a big lunch or something. Like the whole team? I thought I heard Connor planning it anyway.”
“Right. Yeah, we are definitely doing that. I meant after that.” Graham slowed to a stop at the light and glanced over.
Thad was staring at him with a puzzled expression. “Why?” he asked slowly. “You want to hang out?”
Graham shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, if you’re up for it.”
“Probably.” Thad pulled out his phone. “Gotta check my calendar.”
“Hookups booked solid?” Graham teased as the light turned, the engine revving with a quiet growl as he accelerated again.
“Something like that.”
Thad looked out the passenger window as Graham focused on driving.
They both fell silent, and Graham wanted to say something, wanted to apologize or figure out the exact right words to make this awkwardness between them go away.
He hated this.
Thad stared out the window of Graham’s luxurious white Mercedes, the smell of the buttery leather and Graham’s cologne mingling together.
He shouldn’t have gotten in Graham’s car.
Only, he’d been relieved it was Graham who’d driven up. The sight of a car cruising up to him had made him tense, bracing himself for a confrontation.
Hypervigilance, his therapist, Harlan Sparks, had called it. Due to years of being on edge while he was incarcerated. Constantly on high alert for any signs of potential violence.
The breathless relief washing over Thad at Graham’s familiar face inside the car had made him let down his guard.
And now here he was, stuck in a car with him as they wove through the snarl of Boston traffic, both of them too awkward, or maybe too cowardly, to talk about what was going on between them.
And what the fuck was Thad doing, holding on to little crumbs of Graham’s attention and wanting to spend more time with him? It was pathetic and nothing like him, and yet …
Suddenly, he felt young and insecure with Graham. In a way he hadn’t since he was a teenager with a first crush.
Was that what this was then? A crush?
Fucking ridiculous. How could he be so hung up on a guy who looked like that? Graham was the quintessential college jock. A fucking rich-ass frat boy.
A caring, thoughtful frat boy, Thad had to admit.
But the golden boy with a huge career ahead of him, nonetheless. A future that wouldn’t have the likes of Thad Racine in it.
He wished he could rewind to April when he’d taken the look in Graham’s beautiful dark eyes and the way Graham had stared at his mouth as an invitation to kiss him. He’d read it wrong and now he’d fucked up the only solid friendship he’d had in a damn long time.
So, when they pulled up at the curb of Thad’s building and Graham put the car in park, Thad turned to look at him.
He stared straight ahead, his face in profile.
The car was dark, but the glow of the city filtered in. Something in Thad’s chest squeezed at the sight of Graham’s short hair and the slope of his nose, the obscene fullness of his lips and the cleft of his strong chin.
None of it should work together and yet it did in a way that was painfully beautiful and made Thad want to reach for his phone, or better yet, his Nikon, and document it.
Thad dragged a hand through his hair and took a deep breath instead. “So, I feel like I should apologize.”
Graham frowned, finally turning to look at him. “For what?”
“For everything that happened last spring. I took advantage of a weird situation and—”
Graham laughed. “You didn’t take advantage of me, Thad.”
Thad shifted in his seat and the seatbelt dug into the side of his neck.
He unsnapped it, and it spooled away, disappearing with a metallic clang against the window.
“No, I know. But I should have at least asked before I kissed you. I took your body language as a yes, but I should have been clearer about it and—”
“Dude, I’m not upset about that,” Graham snapped.
Thad frowned. “Then was it because of what happened at O’Neill’s? Out on the patio? I know I was kind of a dick, and I shouldn’t have pushed your buttons. I …”
“No,” Graham protested. “I’m not upset at you about anything. I’m … confused. And I wish we could go back to the way our friendship was before.”
Thad shrugged. “So why don’t we?”
“Because I can’t … I can’t fucking stop thinking about you!”
The words exploded out of Graham and for a few heartbeats, all Thad could do was stare at him.
In the background, he could hear the honk of a horn and the sounds of city life, muted a little as it filtered into the car. But mostly, Graham’s ragged breaths, sounding a little shaky.
“Oh,” Thad finally managed.
“Yeah,” Graham said, his tone very flat. He looked out the front window again.
“So what does that mean?” Thad asked quietly.
“How should I know?” Now Graham, ever cool, ever level-headed Graham, was the one who sounded prickly.
“Well, you’re the one who’s had a bunch of relationships, not me.” Thad winced, wondering why he’d used that word. It wasn’t like they were talking about a relationship.
Were they?
Was that what Thad wanted?
He had no idea. And what the fuck did he know about relationships anyway? He’d looked out for Teddy, cared about him even, while they were in prison, but they’d gone their separate ways after.
Moving on into the real world alone.
Thad had always thought of himself as a lone wolf. The kind of guy who would never settle down.
But there was a strange tightness in his chest every time he looked at Graham that he couldn’t deny anymore. He’d thought about Graham all summer, clinging to the handful of interactions they’d had.
Wanting more.
“Yeah, well, all those relationships haven’t exactly gotten me anywhere, have they?” Graham said bitterly and a beat too late.
Thad shrugged. “I have no idea what your dating life is like right now. For all I know you’re madly in love with someone.”
And why did that feel like a kick to the gut?
And Thad would know. He’d been kicked in the gut before. Both literally and metaphorically.
Graham tugged at the collar of his shirt and glanced over. “You probably figured it out but I’m, um, with Madison again. We, uh, got back together this summer and—”
Thad held up a hand. “Dude. You don’t owe me an explanation. We’re not dating.”
For some reason, Graham flinched.
“And trust me, like I said, I fucked plenty of people this summer,” Thad said, smirking.
Because if he thought too much about Graham and Madison together again, he’d fucking lose it.
From the pictures he’d seen on Graham’s social media, he’d been pretty sure they were together.
But it was one thing to wonder and another to hear it from Graham’s lips.
“I wasn’t just jerking it alone while I thought about you, I promise. ”
“Classy, dude,” Graham shot back. But he froze, frowning at Thad, studying his face for a moment with narrowed eyes before he spoke. “But you were jerking it alone thinking about me at some point?”
“No,” Thad lied. “Why? Were you doing that thinking about me?”
He regretted the words as soon as he’d said them, but he’d never learned to keep his mouth shut about anything, had he? He had this stupid fucking habit of poking and poking until he got a reaction, even if it was one he knew he wouldn’t like or want.
It was arguably as bad of a habit as his smoking and probably as likely to lead to an early death. One of these days he was going to end up taking a fist to the face because of it.
Or worse.
But, to his surprise, Graham’s hands curled into fists against his denim-covered thighs, and he looked out the window of the car again.
“I thought about you once or twice, yeah,” he said in a ragged voice so quiet Thad had to strain to hear him.