CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE #2
Thad’s heart pounded as he wondered which way this would go. If this was the final breaking point for their relationship. He’d thought things were getting better. That even if they couldn’t fix all the damage done over the years, they could build something new.
All he’d ever wanted was his brother back, and in one night, one stupid fucking night, he might lose him and Graham both.
“You’re not bullshitting me,” Gavin finally said, a note of wonder in his voice. “You really do love him, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.” Thad stared him in the eye, willing him to understand.
“Oh fuck, I got this all wrong, didn’t I?”
Thad shrugged because he’d long ago given up on trying to understand what his brother was doing. And that point was echoed when Gavin stepped forward.
Thad flinched, expecting a hit. Or at least a shove. Instead, Gavin yanked Thad in and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.
“I’m fucking sorry,” he rasped, low in his ear. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Thad asked thickly because adrenaline was still coursing through his body, and he was still braced for a hit that didn’t appear to be coming.
“For—for not understanding you.” Gavin pulled back, but only far enough to look him in the eye.
“For not appreciating what you did for me, for not seeing how much you’ve grown—” But he shook his head.
“No, that’s wrong, isn’t it? I had this idea you hadn’t really grown up.
That you were fucking around and refusing to settle down but that wasn’t it at all, was it? ”
Thad shrugged, looking away from Gavin’s intent gaze. “I was fighting to survive,” he said quietly.
“And you never let anyone get close to you until now.”
It wasn’t a question, but Thad nodded. “Yeah. I mean, when your own fucking family leaves you to rot in prison, you pretty much figure out everyone else is a wash,” he said bitterly.
Gavin staggered back, letting go of him. “Fuck. This is my fault, isn’t it?”
“I don’t even fucking care whose fault it is. I’m just tired of this, Gav. Tired of fighting with you and having you watch me suspiciously. Tired of everyone looking at me like they’re waiting for me to fail.”
“What do you want then?”
“A little fucking respect for how hard I’ve worked to get where I am. To keep this job. I’m good at it. You know I am.”
Gavin nodded. “You are.”
“I guess in the end I want what pretty much anyone wants. Peace. Stability. I want a job I like that pays the bills. I want to spend time with my family—which is you, you fucking asshole, if you need a reminder.” His voice dropped to a bare whisper.
“But mostly I want to wake up beside the person I love.”
“He’s good for you,” Gavin said quietly.
“How the fuck would you know?” Thad said irritably. “You just found out ten minutes ago.”
Gavin chuckled. “Because it’s been years since I’ve seen you fight so hard for something you want.”
“Fair enough. Honestly, Graham’s probably too good for me,” Thad admitted with a rueful little laugh, tipping his head up to look at the sky for a moment. It was either that or start crying again.
“No, I don’t think so.” Gavin’s tone turned thoughtful. “I think Graham is a good person. Solid, dependable. I think he’s a good anchor point for you. But you’re a good person too.”
Thad’s heart ached because he wanted to believe his brother meant it. “Am I?”
“You gave up a decade of your life to protect someone you loved. That sounds like it to me.”
Thad’s throat worked but he couldn’t quite seem to make any words come out.
Gavin stepped forward again. “Have I ever told you thank you for everything you did for me?”
Thad shook his head.
“Then I will now. Thank you for protecting me. For giving up your dreams for mine. I’m sorry you ever had to. I’m sorry I ever put you in the position where you felt like you had to.”
“Do you mean it?” Thad asked roughly, his eyes wet again.
“Every word of it. And I should have told you sooner.” Gavin gripped his shoulders and looked him in the eye.
“Does this mean I’m not getting fired?” Thad asked, a little more shakily than he would have liked.
Gavin choked out a laugh. “You’re not getting fired.”
“And Graham’s not in trouble?”
Smiling, Gavin squeezed his shoulders. “No.”
“How’d you figure it out, anyway?” Thad asked.
“That you were with Graham?”
Thad nodded.
Gavin stepped back, shrugging. “Well, when I got to the pub, I didn’t see either you or Graham.
I ran into Violet, and she said you were looking for me.
I asked where you were and she said the last time she saw you, you were heading toward the bathroom.
I know I can be a little dense but even I could put the pieces together, especially when I opened the bathroom door and could hear what was happening. ”
“I don’t know,” Thad said teasingly. “You are pretty dense …”
“Hey!” Gavin protested. “Wait, no, scratch that. You’re probably right. But I’m not that dense anymore.”
“That’s more like it.”
“I am sorry I overreacted though. I’m happy for you.”
“Yeah?” Thad asked.
“Yes. In fact, I think maybe you two should come over for dinner soon. Your first official invite as a couple. How does that sound?”
“Uhh, isn’t that a conflict of interest or something?” Thad asked.
“What isn’t in this fucking league?”
He had a point.
“Yeah, I’ll ask Graham if he wants to.” Thad’s head was spinning. He’d gone from an orgasm to thinking he was getting fired to dinner party invites.
Jesus, what the fuck, Gavin?
Though, growing up, their fights had been like this too. Quick to flare up hot, then equally quick to die down. Their parents had never understood how they went from acting like they were about to kill each other to going back to playing.
Still, these days, it left him feeling a little shaky. Especially because the stakes were so much bigger now.
“Christ, I could use a cigarette,” Thad muttered, patting his costume for pockets he knew weren’t there.
“Fuck. Me too.” Gavin collapsed into a chair near the fire.
Thad stared in shock. “You smoke?”
“Well, no. Not in years. Not since I got cleaned up.” Gavin dragged a hand over his face. “But tonight, I might make a fucking exception. Even if Dakota will kill me.”
Thad settled into the chair beside him with a groan. The fire felt good, radiating heat and thawing the bare parts of his thighs. His arms were still cold, the cape attached to the armor thin and useless.
But Thad didn’t want to go inside. Didn’t want to break this fragile truce between them.
“Hey. Can you promise me one thing?” he asked after a while.
Gavin glanced over. “Depends. What is it?”
“Don’t, uh, mention the love thing to anyone, okay?”
Gavin turned to face him, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“I haven’t told Graham I love him yet,” Thad admitted.
“You’re going to though, right?”
Thad gave him a disbelieving look. “Dude, I might not have a lot of experience with a relationship like this but even I know I need to tell him how I feel.”
“Just checking.”
Thad stared into the fire again. “You not knowing about Graham and me has been weighing on me a lot lately.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I didn’t like the lying and hiding.”
He winced, remembering there was one big thing Graham still didn’t know. Arguably, that had probably been weighing on him even more. “Hey. Uh, while we’re at it, can I ask you for something else?”
“What is it?”
Thad swallowed. “Can I tell Graham the truth? About what happened the summer of our draft.”
When Gavin didn’t answer, Thad glanced over to see him staring, open-mouthed.
“He doesn’t know that either?”
“No. It wasn’t my secret to tell,” Thad pointed out irritably.
Jesus, why did everyone keep acting like he was going to go around shouting Gavin’s personal business to the whole world?
“It was though,” Gavin said slowly, looking him in the eye. “It was your life too. Not just mine.”
“I was trying to protect you, you dipshit.” Thad reminded him.
“I know. And I appreciate that. But maybe you need to be a little more selfish for a while.”
Thad snorted quietly. “Bet you never thought you’d say that to me.”
Gavin laughed, leaning forward and bracing his arms on his thighs. “No. I can’t say I did. But that’s on me. I’ve had you all wrong. I’ve had it all wrong for years, have I?”
“Yeah,” Thad admitted, knuckling at his eyes. If Gavin made him fucking cry again, he was going to stuff Gavin’s head in a bush. He couldn’t take much more of this shit.
“Can we work on that?” Gavin asked, still painfully earnest.
Thad dropped his hands to his lap with a sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, I think we should.”
Maybe Harlan could fit them in for some double sessions or something.
“I think after you tell Graham about that summer, I should also tell the guys the truth too,” Gavin mused.
“What guys?” Thad asked with a frown. “The team?”
“Yeah.” Gavin clasped his hands together, still staring into the fire. “I think they should know.”
“But why?” Thad asked, baffled. It made no fucking sense. Thad wanting to tell the man he was in love with was one thing. He didn’t like having secrets from Graham. And if he was going to fix all the shit he was still struggling with, Graham needed to know what had caused it.
That was the kind of stuff a person talked to their partner about. But Gavin confessing to the team? That was stupid.
Gavin shrugged, blowing out a heavy breath. “Reparations, for one.”
“Dude, I don’t need you to—”
“I know.” Gavin turned his head, staring at him. “I know you don’t. But this is one thing I can do for you. You said you want respect and it’s because of me you don’t have that. I was the one who fucked up your life and—”
“Oh, my God,” Thad said. “You are so fucking ridiculous about this shit. Honestly, it’s not the team I’m worried about. The guys know I went to prison, and they still seem to respect me for it. They’re not the problem. And I mean it. I don’t want your fucking self-flagellation, Gav.”
“I’d do it though,” Gavin said, so painfully earnest it made Thad want to punch him in the shoulder. “Hell, I’ll do a press conference if that would do it. Clear your name.”
“You’d lose your fucking job!” Thad protested.
“Yeah, maybe. Ned Merritt and the ownership group know, but I’m sure they wouldn’t be thrilled about my past being public knowledge. But if it’s the right thing to do—”
“No.” Thad pointed at him. “No. You don’t fucking get to throw away this career of yours over some misguided need to fix shit between us. I don’t want it. And if we want to have a better relationship, you won’t do something so stupid. I mean it.”
Gavin sighed noisily and turned his attention to the fire again. “Fine.”
“Hey, asshole,” Thad said after a while, nudging Gavin’s foot with his own. “I guess if you really desperately want to tell the team, that’s fine with me.”
He still thought it was stupid but maybe this compromise would help Gavin get over his bullshit.
“Yeah?” Gavin looked almost hopeful at the idea.
Thad shook his head. There was something deeply wrong with his twin.
“Yeah. If it’ll make you feel better or whatever, do it.”
“Yeah, I think it will.”
“So then admit you’re doing it for yourself, not just me.”
Gavin winced. “Yeah, that’s fair. I guess I feel like I need to come clean to the team. I don’t like the idea of them thinking I’m something I’m not.”
“Those guys fuckin’ love you.”
“Yeah, and that’s why I want to tell them. Because I don’t want their trust in me built on lies.”
Thad nodded. Okay, that part actually made sense to him. “But what if it gets out?”
“Then it gets out,” Gavin said simply. “I’m a big boy. I’m willing to live with the consequences.”
Thad still didn’t love the idea, but he’d stopped Gavin from telling the truth once and look where it had gotten them.
He said as much to Gavin, who nodded.
“Exactly.”
“Besides, once I tell Graham, he might have to lie about shit to his teammates, and I don’t like the idea of him having to do that. So yeah. Clear the fucking air with them and we’ll call it good.”
“Uhh, speaking of Graham …” Gavin ran a hand through his hair. “I am so sorry I forced him into outing himself. I didn’t think that through.”
Thad scowled. “No shit. You acted like a dick. But you owe him the apology, not me.”
“Done. I’ll do that tonight.”
They returned to staring at the fire.
“Should we get back in there?” Thad finally said. “I think we kinda ruined the Halloween party.”
“Not likely. I think we put on a show for them.”
“True.” For his own sake, Thad didn’t really care. It was Graham he felt uneasy about.
Gavin stood, his joints cracking as he stretched.
“Jesus, you sound like you’re eighty,” Thad said with a laugh.
“Well, I am older than you.”
Thad snorted, shoving at Gavin’s hip. “Yeah, those few minutes really made a big fucking difference.”
“Hey,” Gavin said, much more seriously. “Are we good?”
Thad tipped his head back and looked up at Gavin. “Yeah, we’re good. I think—I think we’re better than we have been in years.”
“Me too. And I’m glad.” Gavin squeezed his shoulder. “Are you going in now or are you staying out here?”
Thad swallowed, not quite ready to face everyone yet. “Staying out here for a minute.”
“Do you want me to send Graham out here?”
“If he wants,” Thad said hoarsely, suddenly struck by the fear Graham wouldn’t. Maybe this situation tonight was too much for him.
Gavin’s hand lingered on his shoulder, and he squeezed again. “He will. If he cares about you half as much as you care about him, he’s dying to come out here and make sure you’re okay.”
“I hope so.” Thad let out a shuddering breath.
To his surprise, Gavin leaned down and pressed a kiss to his hair. “Hey, have a little faith, T. You’re someone worth fighting for.”
Thad’s eyes watered and he briefly considered the idea of actually shoving Gavin into a bush.
But, instead, he let him walk away, whispering, “Thanks,” before the door swung open and a babble of voices inside filled the quiet air.