9. Sam
9
Sam
I held my breath as I waited for Zeke’s photo to come through.
When it did, it wasn’t what I’d been expecting.
I’d been expecting something similar to what I’d sent. A body shot, or maybe a dick pic.
But this…this was Zeke in all his glory.
And fuck, was he glorious.
“Holy shit,” I whispered, zooming in on his face. There was no smile on his lips, just an almost nervous curl on one side. Despite this, his intense blue eyes shone with amusement. Auburn stubble covered his jaw, while locks in the same colour fell over his forehead. With the white pillowcase behind him, he looked almost like he had a halo.
An angel brought to life.
“Holy shit,” I repeated, zooming back out to take in the other details. The thick veins on his forearms. The broadness of his chest, covered in enough hair to have my mouth watering. The tight vee of muscles pointing south. “Zeke, you better be catfishing me right now, I swear to god.”
“God would definitely tell you I’m not a catfish.”
“This isn’t funny,” I hissed.
“Hang on, are you upset?”
“I’m not upset, I’m mortified. ”
“Why?” Zeke sounded baffled, which was weird. It should have been very obvious why I felt like this.
“Because you look like Sam Heughan fucked Henry Cavill and birthed a beautiful red-headed angel.”
Zeke laughed, the sound even richer thanks to the earbuds I wore. I stared down at his picture again, wondering if his eyes sparkled as he did so. “That’s physically impossible.”
“You get what I mean though.”
“I do. You think I’m hot.” Zeke was practically crowing.
I clicked off the photo with a sigh. “You being hot is a fact, Zeke. Anyone with decent eyesight would agree with that.”
“I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”
I blushed, glad he couldn’t see me. “But you care what I think?”
“Yes, Sam. Your opinion is literally the only one I care about. And the fact you think I’m attractive? That makes me happier than I have any right to be.”
“That just makes it worse.” I rubbed my forehead. Thank fuck he hadn’t agreed to meet me in real life. He would’ve realised how far out of my league he was before getting within six feet of me.
‘ Everything is doomed between you. It has been from the start. You should end the call now. It’s the only way to salvage the situation. ’
It was hard to ignore the thought. The desire to follow this compulsion was strong, but the fear of losing Zeke was stronger.
“Sam, I don’t understand. Why are you upset? Do you not like how I look?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do, Zeke. We’ve just established that. You’re the hottest man I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is you look like that while I look like…”
“Like what?”
My chin dropped to my chest in defeat. “Like someone you’d never choose. Like if I walked beside you down the street, people would wonder why on earth you were spending time with me.”
“People aren’t that shallow, Sam.”
Yes, they are. “Have you met people? You’re an anthropologist, for fuck’s sake.”
“Fair point,” Zeke said, with a cough. “There’s just one flaw in your argument.”
“What?”
“I don’t believe you. I think if I saw your face, I’d find you very attractive. I’d go so far as to bet I’d think you were out of my league.”
I snorted. “I can promise you that wouldn’t happen.”
Zeke hummed. “I don’t know, baby, that’s one fine body you have there. There’s only one thing about your face that might put me off.”
“What’s that?”
“If you’re wearing a grey mailer over your head. That’s where I draw the line, I’m afraid.”
A laugh sputtered from me. How was Zeke able to stop my spirals so easily? “You did suggest imagining me like that once.”
“Now I don’t need to,” he said huskily. “Now I can imagine how your torso will look covered in my cum.”
“Fuck, Zeke.” I’d thought the sexual part of the evening was over, ruined by my meltdown, but one comment from him had my dick plumping again.
“Would you let me do that, baby? Paint you all over, so everyone knows you’re mine?”
I pressed the back of my hand to my cheek to see if my face was actually on fire. “With you looking like that, I’d let you do anything to me.”
Zeke paused, his voice oddly strained when he spoke. “But you wouldn’t have before you saw my picture?”
I immediately understood the subtext of what he was asking. With anyone else, I might’ve made a joke, but I heard that vulnerability in his voice, the same feeling I so often experienced. “Zeke, I’ve felt this way about you for a long time. Knowing what you look like doesn’t change that.”
“But it does change something?”
I smiled sadly, wishing I could lie. But I couldn’t. Not to him. “It makes me less keen to meet you. I know we said we wouldn’t anyway but…yeah. I think keeping it to the phone is for the best.”
“Because you don’t think you’re attractive enough for me.” It wasn’t a question, more like he was checking that he understood.
“Exactly.” I nodded, pleased we were back on the same page.
“That’s bollocks.”
“Excuse me?”
“Now you listen here, Sam.” My brows shot up at how heated his voice was. Was it bad that I was a little turned on? “Firstly, you’ve got no idea what type of man I’m attracted to. For all you know, I could like men in their eighties who don’t have any of their own teeth.”
“Well you are in a nursing home, so that makes sense.”
“Nope, you’re not throwing me off with your adorable jokes. Secondly, I don’t care what you look like. I care about you. Your humour, just on the right side of dark. Your love of sweets, even if you moan about the cost. Your stubbornness, which you say is your OCD, but I’m willing to bet a portion is just you.”
I blinked hard. Why were my eyes burning? Was it possible to be this emotional and still horny as fuck? I didn’t know, but then again, everything with Zeke was new.
“Most of all, I care about how you make me feel. How you never mind me asking questions. How you give me space to just be myself. How you seem to take my temper and turn it into a cool river instead of a roaring fire.”
“This is a cool river?”
“This is nothing, baby,” he said, “but keep putting yourself down and maybe I’ll unleash the full extent of it.”
“You don’t scare me, Zeke.”
“Good,” he said softly. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is that. Even if I do have a temper, I’d never hurt you. You have to know that.”
“I do.” This phone call had had enough ups and downs to make me feel like I was on a rollercoaster. “I can’t imagine you hurting anyone, to be honest. You’re just a big ol’ teddy bear.”
“Oh god, I’m glad I locked my door and put headphones on. If any of the others heard you call me that, I’d never live it down.”
“The others as in your housemates?”
“Yeah, they definitely wouldn’t agree that I’m a teddy bear. Apparently I’m difficult to live with.”
I snorted. “You can’t be more difficult than me.”
“Oh, I can assure you I can.”
I shifted on my chair, suddenly remembering that I was naked. “So this didn’t go exactly as planned.”
“Maybe not, but the night doesn’t need to end here unless you want it to.”
My eyes widened. “Really?”
“Really. I promised to get you off, Sam. And I’m many things, but I’m not someone who breaks his promises. Do you want that?”
“Yes,” I blurted out. Yep that was me. Chill wasn’t a word that existed in my vocabulary. “I want that.”
“That’s good, because full disclosure, I’m going to be getting off to this photo either with or without you on the phone.” He paused. “Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I’ll be doing both.”
I was glad he couldn’t see the goofy grin on my face. “That’s so hot.”
It was also a very good idea. Spinning so I was facing my desk, I opened his photo on my phone and propped it up so I could see it.
“You don’t mind that idea?”
“Nope.” My cock was stiffening rapidly. “So long as you don’t mind that I’ll be doing the same with yours.”
Zeke’s deep groan sent tingles down my spine. “I’ll be offended if you don’t.”
I whimpered at the prospect. “Why are you so perfect?”
He chuckled. “Baby, trust me, perfect isn’t an adjective that’s ever used in the same sentence as my name. Now, do you have lube?”
“Yes.” I picked up the bottle I’d placed there earlier. “What do you want me to do with it?”
“Get both hands nice and slick, Sam.”
I raised my brows in question before remembering he couldn’t see me. “Both?”
There was a click on his end of the line. Was he opening lube too? “Oh yes. They’re both going to be busy. Believe me, if I was there, I’d be touching you in all possible ways.”
I was so hard it was almost painful. I didn’t know if it was that this was happening over the phone, him telling me what to do, or if it was just him . Whatever it was, it was working for me. I was positively drooling for it.
“Okay, done.” My voice trembled slightly, the desire coursing through me impacting all my faculties.
Zeke instantly picked up on it. “You doing okay there, baby?”
“More than okay. I’m so wired that I think I’m only a few touches away from this being over embarrassingly fast.”
“Don’t worry, Sam. We’ve got all night.”
“All night?”
No one had ever taken time with me before. Not like this. Every time Zeke called me ‘baby,’ every time he said dirty things in his gravelly voice, I was taken a little higher.
I hadn’t even touched myself yet.
Usually, blokes just wanted to get in, get the job done, and get out. That obviously wasn’t how Zeke liked to play.
“Well, as often as you’d like to go,” Zeke replied with a bite of amusement. “Sleep can wait until you’re satisfied.”
I dropped my head back against the chair with a whimper. “Can I touch myself? Please?”
“Yes. Not your cock though. I want you to reach down and cup your balls. Roll them in your hands. Give them a little tug.”
I did as he instructed, feeling a zing of pleasure pulse through me. He kept speaking as I played with my balls, his filthy words guiding my hands. I didn’t usually bother paying much attention to them when masturbating, just going straight in for the main event, but with Zeke gently talking me through it, I was questioning why I didn’t do this more often.
“How do they feel, baby?”
“Heavy,” I panted. “And tight.”
“Fuck yes,” Zeke purred. “I want you to slide that hand lower along your taint. Can you reach in that position?”
I had a feeling I knew where Zeke was going, and I was so here for it. I’d make sure I could reach—anything to not miss out.
Lifting one leg, I propped my heel on the edge of my desk. The position left me wide open. I didn’t feel vulnerable though, why should I? No one could see me. No one knew what I was doing right now.
No one other than Zeke, of course. But weirdly, it didn’t feel weird to be doing this with him. I didn’t feel vulnerable.
I felt safe.
“Okay, I’m there.”
“Stroke along it firmly,” Zeke said. “Don’t touch your hole. Not yet. Just long sweeping movements. How does that feel?”
“It’s driving me crazy,” I confessed, arching up into my touch. “I love it, but I want more. So much more.”
“I’ve got you,” he murmured. “Lower one finger, Sam. Stroke around your hole now. I want you to tease it until you’re shaking. I want you to imagine it’s not you touching it, it’s me. My finger playing there as I kneel between your legs. I’m watching every change in your expression, gauging how much more teasing you can take. Are you imagining it?”
“Yes,” I gasped. My lids were heavy, lust making me want to close them, but I forced them open. I didn’t want to look away from Zeke’s picture for a second. It was as though he was staring back at me, his intense gaze on me, just as he described. He was so fucking hot. A dream come true. “Keep going.”
“I gently push one of my fingers inside. Not too deep. Then I pause, waiting to see how you adjust.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh I’m fine, trust me. I can take more.”
Zeke hummed. “You say that now, but my fingers are quite large.”
A wicked grin tugged at my lips. “And you know what they say about men with big hands.”
“Who knew you had such a dirty mind?” From the purr in his voice, Zeke approved.
I couldn’t resist pushing a little further, my arousal making me braver. “I don’t hear you denying it.”
“A gentleman never tells.”
I smirked. “Somehow I think this is one of those situations you were telling me about when you’re not a gentleman.”
“Well, when you put it like that…” A notification popped up on my screen. Another photo. “I’ll let you judge for yourself.”
With my spare hand, I clicked on the image. It left drops of lube on the screen, but I was beyond caring. He was right, his fingers were big, but they were nothing compared to the size of his cock. It had to be at least nine inches long, and fuck only knew how thick it was. I shivered, just imagining the delicious ache it’d give me the following day. God, how I wanted that.
Like me, he was uncut, the skin pulled back to show his shining head. There was a small patch of hair peeking out around the base, surrounding the bottom of his hand.
“Fuck, Zeke. They aren’t wrong about men with big hands then.”
“You like it?”
“I’d like it better if it were in my throat or my arse.”
I immediately wished I could call my words back. He’d been clear about us meeting, and now I knew what he looked like, I wasn’t too keen either. He could say my looks didn’t matter all he liked, but that was a risk I didn’t want to take.
Not if it meant ending all of this.
“Me too, baby.” Was that a note of wistfulness, or was I imagining things? “Okay, I want you to work that finger inside. Slowly. Just as I would.”
I did as he said, welcoming the slight burn. I went slower than usual too, following Zeke’s instructions to the letter. “It feels so good.”
“It’s about to feel even better,” he promised. “Can you get your finger deeper for me?”
A loud groan left me as I slid my finger up, moving instinctively to brush over the sensitive bundle of nerves. “Fuck, Zeke. I wish you were doing this.”
“I wish I was too, baby.” Why did he sound sad? I didn’t have time to think about it, not when he gave me his next order. “Wrap your hand around your cock now, Sam. I want you to stroke it while you keep that finger inside yourself. Can you manage that?”
“Yes,” I panted, shivers ripping through me as I started to jerk my cock. “I want another finger, Zeke.”
“Oh you’re a hungry little bottom, aren’t you.” The growl in Zeke’s voice had my cock leaking. “Do it. Fill yourself up for me. Imagine it’s me doing it instead.”
I immediately added a finger, gasping at the fullness. It was tricky with this angle, but nothing was going to stop me now. “Are you touching yourself, Zeke?”
“I am. I’m getting off to the sound of your voice. To the thought of what you’re doing to yourself. Fuck, Sam. I wish I could be there.”
My breaths were coming faster. I was two fingers deep, my other hand flying over my shaft. “I wish you were too. You’d make me feel so good.”
“I would, baby.” His voice was guttural. “I’d spend hours on my knees for you. I’d worship you until you couldn’t think about anything other than how I was making you feel. I’d fuck you until you couldn’t say anything apart from my name. Until you were screaming my name. Louder and louder. Until everyone on the street heard it, and knew exactly who was making you feel so good.”
“Zeke!” It wasn’t a scream, but it was close. My orgasm crashed through me, my body bowing off the chair. Cum flew everywhere; all over my torso, the floor, some even hit the back of the chair I was on.
His stuttered moan told me he’d come too. I tried to will my heart to slow, so that I could hear him over the heavy beating in my ears. I memorised each of his ragged breaths. Pictured how his chest must be rising and falling. Were his eyes glassy? Hooded? Closed? Was his release as explosive as mine? Had he covered himself in his mess?
I realised then that I’d never know. Unless we both changed our minds, this was the closest to Zeke that I’d ever be.
And it wasn’t enough. This had been one of the best experiences in my life, but now I felt…hollow. Unsatisfied. Zeke had made me come, but it had just opened up new doors to rooms I was forbidden to explore.
For some reason, even with Zeke still on the line, I felt lonelier than ever.
“That was amazing.” Zeke sounded slightly punch drunk. Clearly, I was alone in my spiral. “You doing okay?”
“Yep.” I forced brightness into my voice, giving a small chuckle. “Need to wash my hands though. Now that the fun has stopped, I’m suddenly aware of how sticky they are.”
“Oh,” Zeke said quietly. Could he tell something was off? “Can you keep me on the phone while you do that? I’m not ready to hang up yet.”
“Sure.” I got to my feet and made my way to the bathroom. Fortunately I knew the Bluetooth range stretched that far.
“Is the hand washing an OCD thing?”
I considered my answer as I squirted liberal amounts of antibacterial soap onto my hands. “Um, kind of. It’s definitely a compulsion for me. If I’ve handled raw meat or been somewhere with germs, I’ll wash them repeatedly.”
“What thought leads to that?” Zeke’s question was curious, not judgemental. “If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”
“I don’t mind.” I shut off the tap, twisting to dry my hands properly. “I think that if I don’t wash my hands, I’ll spread illness either to myself or others.”
“And washing your hands once stops that thought?”
“No.” I laughed, wetting a cloth and taking it through to the bedroom to clean up the rest of the mess I’d made. “I have to wash them at least three times.”
“Why three?”
“Fuck knows. My brain just decided it likes that number. Sometimes though, if I’m having a bad day, I’ll wash them more than that. I use really hot water then too, just to make sure they’re really clean.”
Zeke made a sympathetic clucking noise. “That must be rough on your skin.”
I glanced down at my cracked knuckles ruefully. “You’ve got no idea.”
“I take it you’re not a big hand shaker then?”
I shuddered. “Oh absolutely not. I’ll go out of my way to not touch anyone unless I’m comfortable with them.”
“Like your partners?”
I swallowed around the sudden lump around my throat. “I haven’t had many of them but…yeah. If I feel comfortable, my OCD doesn’t kick in with them. In fact, I’m a bit touch-needy, if that’s a thing. Touch can ground me, especially if everything else is spiralling out of my control.”
Zeke was quiet for a minute. I started to panic, thinking maybe he was going to suggest meeting, but he went a different direction entirely. “You can’t get ill from semen though, so this wasn’t OCD related? Just usual hygiene?”
I finished cleaning up and discarded the cloth in the washing basket. “I mean, yeah. I’d hope anyone would wash their hands after sex, but it’s slightly more than that. Feeling the stickiness, it’s a sensory thing. Once I realise it’s there, I can’t do anything else until I’ve cleaned it off. It’s the same with a variety of different textures.”
“But it wasn’t an issue until after you’d come.”
I smiled wryly. “Let’s just say it helps if I’m distracted.”
“Noted,” Zeke said. “If Sam’s having a bad day, distract him with touch and sex.”
I collapsed back on my bed. “You say that like you’re hoping we will meet one day.”
“I’m always hoping, Sam. I have to hold on to that. If nothing else, I have hope.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, but thankfully, Zeke didn’t seem to need a response. Instead he launched into a story about something one of his housemates, Theo, had done. From what he told me, he sounded far from the academic type I’d imagined he lived with.
I fell asleep to the sound of his voice, earbuds still in my ears.
It wasn’t until I woke up to silence the next morning that I realised something. Something inconsequential, but which seemed to disprove everything Zeke had said about hoping to meet and liking me no matter what I looked like.
He hadn’t asked to see a picture of my face.
It didn’t mean anything. Not really. Logically, I could come up with several reasons why he hadn’t. He might not have thought of it. Maybe he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. Perhaps he’d been waiting for me to offer it up.
Naturally though, my brain latched on to one reason and one reason only.
‘ He doesn’t want to know what you look like in case he thinks you’re unattractive. This way, he can continue just imagining you however he likes. ’
It was stupid. This whole thing was stupid. Getting involved with someone over the internet. Having phone sex with them. Wanting to meet up with them but also knowing it wasn’t for the best.
I pulled my duvet back over my head, already knowing today would be a write-off. There was no point trying to do anything today, not with my brain in this state.
I closed my eyes and tried desperately to not think of Zeke.
I failed.