15. Sam
15
Sam
Z eke was beaming at me, like he honestly couldn’t see any issues with his proposition. But the longer I stared at him, the more his smile slipped.
“I know they’re all idiots,” he said, tapping the phone. “But they’re well-meaning idiots. None of them will do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. And trust me, there’s nowhere you’ll be safer.”
“But they don’t know what it’s like to live with me.” I flopped back down onto the sofa in resignation. “I’m not an easy person to be around, Zeke.”
To my surprise, he knelt down between my legs and put his hands on my thighs. The touch warmed me. “I disagree. I find it easier to be around you than anyone else I’ve ever met.”
“You say that because you’ve only just met me.”
Zeke squeezed my thighs gently. “Not true, Sam. I don’t understand why you’re trying to diminish what we’ve shared. Maybe you’re scared. In the grand scheme of things, people might think it’s weird, but I don’t, and deep down, I don’t think you do either. There’s a connection between us, Sam. I feel it, and I know you do too.”
The phone call from earlier came back to me. “Then why were you going to break things off?”
Zeke sighed. “I can explain that, and I will. But not tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’ve been through enough,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to hide anything from you, Sam. If you want me to tell you now, I will, but just know that I’m only keeping it from you because it’s overwhelming. I don’t think this is the right time to dump it all on you.”
I swallowed, searching his eyes for any artifice. I found none. “Is it bad?”
“No.” He considered it. “At least, I don’t think it’s bad. It’s just a lot to process.”
I thought about it for a moment before nodding. “I think it’s better that we wait then. One more thing might make my head explode.”
“And, as we established earlier, that’d create a nasty mess and the guys aren’t here to clean it up.” We both laughed at that. As the sound faded away, Zeke squeezed my thighs once more. “Come and stay with me, please. We can get used to each other without any barriers between us, and there’s nowhere else you’ll be safer.”
I was wavering. I wanted to go with Zeke, but my brain was screaming at me.
‘ You only met him tonight. ’
No, I met him months ago.
‘ He could be a murderer. He wants to hurt you. ’
If that were the case, he wouldn’t have rescued me earlier.
‘ His housemates will hate you. ’
They said they want me there.
‘ Spending time with Zeke will make him hate you. ’
Like he could see the battle happening in my mind, Zeke smiled tentatively. “Do you trust me?”
Four little words, and all of those thoughts were silenced.
I did trust Zeke.
It might be stupid. It might be reckless. It could lead me down all sorts of dangerous paths.
Or it could lead me straight to happiness.
“Yes,” I whispered. “I trust you.”
“Then give me one week,” he said hoarsely. “One week, Sam. At the end of it, if you want to leave, I’ll help you pack your bags. I’ll put you up in a hotel or help you find a new place, whatever you need. But give me this. Let me prove that you’re worthy of friendship, of being around others. Let me show you that what you believe about yourself is false.”
I didn’t think he could make any of that happen, but I also knew I couldn’t pass up this opportunity. For once in my life, I was going to say ‘fuck it’ to all the things that could go wrong, and I was going to do what I wanted.
And what I wanted was to spend time with Zeke.
“Okay. One week.”
Zeke’s answering grin lit a fire deep inside me.
T hirty minutes later, Zeke was carrying my suitcase down the stairs, my duffel bag over his shoulder. I’d tried to insist I could carry it, but he’d merely snorted and refused to relinquish his hold.
I wasn’t taking much, just what I needed to last the seven days. Zeke had tried to encourage me to bring more, but I was already imposing. The last thing the rest of Zeke’s housemates would want was me taking over their space with all my clutter.
We were at the bottom of the stairs when Zeke snapped his fingers. “Hang on.”
Putting the case down, he darted off towards the kitchen. He emerged with something wrapped in one of my tea towels. “What’s that?”
“Your mug,” he said, as if it were obvious. “Gotta make sure you’re comfortable at my place.”
I shifted on my feet, unsure how to respond to such thoughtfulness. “Won’t your housemates think that’s weird?”
“Nope,” Zeke said, picking up my case again. “Even if they did, they’d never say anything because they know I’ll kill them for being insensitive.”
I snorted, grabbing the keys to my hire car. “Kind of dramatic.”
Zeke smirked but didn’t say anything. Holding the door open for me, he gestured for me to go first.
I led us over to the car, hitting the button to unlock it. Opening the boot, I tried to take the case from Zeke. He ignored me, eyeing the car strangely. “I thought you had a Kia.”
“I do.” I closed the boot and made my way to the driver’s side. “It’s in the garage. This is a hire car until I can pick mine up next week.”
“Ah, that makes sense.” Zeke slid into the passenger seat and shut the door behind him. In the enclosed space, I was more aware than ever of just how big he was. His right shoulder brushed against my left, sending warmth prickling through me. It was like basking in sunlight. Comforting. Uplifting.
But it had the potential to burn if I didn’t protect myself.
Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what it might feel like to have all of him pressed against me. Would his weight feel crushing or reassuring? Would I feel trapped or safe?
From how my cock was stiffening at just the idea, I was keen to find out.
Dragging my mind out of the gutter, I turned the engine on. “What makes sense?”
Zeke twisted in his seat so he could see me. “I believe I saw you earlier today, in Notting Hill.”
Jude. “Yeah, someone I know needed some help at the post office, so I dragged myself out of bed and across the city to help him.”
“I didn’t think it was you.” There was something intense about the way Zeke was staring at me. “I was convinced it wasn’t.”
My brow furrowed. “Why would you have thought it was me?”
Zeke rubbed his hand over his stubble as he considered his answer. “I think…I think I was just hoping it was you. But as far as I knew, you were spending the day in bed. Then you shook the bloke’s hand before getting in a car that wasn’t a Kia.”
“A car that didn’t have my hand sanitiser in,” I muttered. “Jude’s a safe person, but I was pissed I didn’t have my gel with me.”
Zeke’s jaw tensed. “A safe person as in someone you’ve hooked up with?”
I smirked over at him. “Jealous, Zeke?”
“Yes,” he said flatly, the intensity not wavering for a second. “I’m jealous of everyone you’ve been with, Sam. I told you, I’m a very flawed individual. Jealousy and possessiveness are two traits I find it difficult to subdue.”
I shifted in my seat, Zeke’s arm brushing mine again as I did so. In theory, I knew those things were supposed to be flaws. Massive red flags.
But knowing Zeke was jealous of Jude…
Yeah, that was hot as fuck.
Listen, I was well aware that a therapy visit was in my near future. But my inability to recognise Zeke’s red flags for what they were wouldn’t even feature in the top ten things I needed them to deal with.
“Why did you want me to be, well, me?”
“Because you were, are, the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Zeke said without hesitation. “Something happened to me when I saw you, Sam. It was like my soul latched on to you and said you were meant to be mine.”
What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? I shouldn’t find that hot, right? “Bit intense, but okay.”
“Yeah, this is why I didn’t want to discuss all that tonight.”
I froze. “Seeing that man, seeing me, that’s why you were going to end things?”
“No.” Zeke paused. “But it is connected.”
Suddenly, all the exhaustion I’d been feeling earlier in the day returned. “You’re right, it’s too much for tonight.”
He squeezed my knee. “I’m happy that man was you though, Sam. So unbelievably fucking happy.”
I nodded, unsure what to say. I was officially reaching the end of my social battery, every small noise suddenly too loud. “What’s your address?”
He rattled it off as I typed it into my phone. I let out a low whistle as the sat nav confirmed the address. “Knightsbridge? Very fancy. Don’t know if I’m posh enough to stay with you.”
“Trust me, you’ll fit right in,” Zeke said drily. “I don’t think any of us have ever been called posh . Micah, maybe. The rest of us though? Definitely not.”
I pulled out onto the road. “I’m assuming the fact you’re in the car with me means you didn’t drive yourself over here.”
“I did not. But even if I had, I would’ve insisted on coming with you.”
“I can drive by myself, Zeke.”
“I know.” His hand returned to my knee, squeezing gently. “But you don’t have to now. I’m here.”
We didn’t talk for the rest of the journey. Zeke’s hand stayed on my leg, not trying to arouse me, just resting there. Like he was reassuring me that he was with me.
That I wasn’t alone.
Thanks to the late hour and lack of traffic, the journey passed quickly. I followed the directions from the sat nav, finally speaking as a grand stone gate came into view. There was a church off to one side, but that was the only other building on this side of the road. Just how big was this place? It was unusual to find a patch of land this big in London. Aside from the parks, palaces, and old country estates, it wasn’t like there was much real estate going. “Is this it?”
“Yep,” Zeke said. “You can see the road, right?”
I side eyed him. Why would he think I couldn’t? My headlights were clearly on. “Obviously.”
He let out a breath, tension leaving him as he grinned. “Great.”
Too weary to overthink his odd behaviour, I pulled through the massive gates.
When we turned around the first bend in the road, the house came into view. I sucked in a quick breath.
I hadn’t missed the mark when I’d teased Zeke for living in a mansion. The one building was as big as my entire fucking street.
“See what I mean about not needing to worry about us having the room?” Zeke said wryly as I parked outside.
“Yeah,” I said, dazed. “I’m definitely not posh enough for here.”
He patted my thigh before getting out of the car. I was too busy staring up at the grand windows and pillars, wondering if I was dreaming. I had to be, right?
Stuff like this didn’t happen to me.
My car door opened, making me jump. “Shit, sorry. Must’ve been sat here for longer than I realised.”
“Nah, I just move fast.” Zeke held out his hand. “Come on. It’s not as intimidating as it looks, I promise.”
I might’ve believed him if it weren’t for what I spotted as soon as I got out the car. To the right-hand side of the house was a triple garage. Lined up outside of that were several classic cars. I had no idea what makes they were, but they had to be expensive.
Which begged the question—if those were the cars left outside, what kind of cars were inside the garage?
“You obviously don’t need to worry about crime here.”
“Nope,” Zeke said, getting my case and bag from the boot. “Like I said, you’ll be safe here.”
He came to join me and realised why I’d made that comment. “Oh, Theo’s cars. I’d say he’s compensating for having a tiny dick, but unfortunately I know that’s not the case.”
My gut twisted. “Because you’ve slept with him?”
“Fuck no.” Zeke looked almost green. “Theo is like a brother to me. A very irritating little brother who needs to learn boundaries. And remember to put clothes on before he saunters through the house with his dick out.”
The knot loosened.
“I’ve not slept with anyone inside these walls,” Zeke said, dropping his voice low. “They’re my family.”
I ducked my head, mortified. “You don’t need to explain or justify anything, Zeke. It’s fine.”
He put my case down, his big hands cupping my face. “It’s not fine if it makes you uncomfortable, Sam. Your happiness is all I care about.”
I searched his face, trying to understand this enigma of a man. “But why?”
His eyes crinkled. “Because I like you, Sam. I want you to be mine, and being mine means me making you happy.”
Zeke was saying everything I’d longed to hear from him, but right now, it was too much. There was a buzzing in my head that was getting louder. The aftereffects of the adrenaline rush from earlier were all too recognisable. I was going to crash soon, and crash hard.
Hopefully I could be away from Zeke before that happened. He might have thought he was ready for everything my brain could throw at him, but I didn’t want him dealing with that.
Not yet at least. I’d shown enough of my crazy for one night.
“Come on,” Zeke said, releasing me. “Let’s get you inside and up to bed. You look exhausted.”
I nodded mutely, unable to summon any words. As I trailed up the stairs after him—yes, fucking stairs leading to the door—I groaned inwardly as I realised I couldn’t collapse yet. Zeke had a lot of housemates. Housemates who were probably waiting to meet the person who was encroaching on their space for the next week.
Housemates who’d come to my aid earlier. I needed to thank them. I couldn’t walk in there mute and unmasked. That’d be a terrible first impression.
Summoning the dregs of energy I had left, I plastered a smile on my face. Hold it together for five minutes, then you can excuse yourself and fall apart.
But when Zeke opened the tall front door, we were greeted by nothing but silence.
“Where is everyone?” I asked, stepping into what could only be described as a lobby. There was a marble table in the centre, on top of which stood a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Various pieces of art covered the walls, while the space was lit by an elaborate chandelier.
“In their own rooms,” Zeke said, making a beeline for the sweeping staircase. “I texted them when you were packing your things and told them to make themselves scarce.”
Would his thoughtfulness ever stop astonishing me? “You didn’t need to do that.”
“Trust me, I did. You need to be firing on all cylinders before dealing with that lot.”
I huffed a laugh as I joined him on the stairs. “That’s not scary at all.”
“It’s not, I promise. They’ll all be lovely and accommodating…” He smirked at me over his shoulder. “But they’ll also be nosy and interfering and probably fuss over you like a brood of hens.”
“Great.” I tried to muster up a smile but all I achieved was a grimace. “I’ll look forward to it.”
Zeke barked out a laugh. “Don’t go that far. And don’t stress about it, you won’t be facing them alone.”
We were walking down a long corridor now, seemingly without end. I didn’t dare count how many doors we were passing. “Meh, it’s fine. I’m used to facing stuff alone.”
Zeke stopped abruptly, smiling back at me. “Now you don’t have to though.”
Before I could think up a response, Zeke was opening the door he’d stopped outside. It was painted a deep blue, almost the same shade as Zeke’s eyes.
He didn’t hesitate, carrying my stuff into what must have been his suite. I followed at a slower pace, too busy storing up all the details. Things I could take out and examine when I wasn’t so exhausted.
We’d stepped into a sitting room, with a deep, comfy looking sofa and two wingback chairs surrounding a fireplace. Unlike mine at home, this one was laid with wood and ready to be lit. I winced internally. Would Zeke mind if I asked him not to light it when I was here?
Like glass, fire was a big trigger for me. The intrusive thoughts would become too loud, telling me I was going to intentionally set other things in the room alight until the entire place was ablaze.
Because of this, I never let myself be around open flames. It was a shame too—I used to like sitting by an open fire when I was young.
Back when my OCD didn’t have the same stranglehold it had over me today.
I moved past that quickly, taking in the rest of the room. All of it was warm and inviting, lots of blues and greens.
“Do you like it?”
I spun around to see Zeke watching me, one hand on the back of his neck.
“I love it. It’s so…you.”
He grinned, his hand falling. “I’m glad you like it. Come on, I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.”
There were two doors in the wall opposite the fireplace. Zeke led me to the one on the left, his hand pausing on the knob. “This is your room, mine is right there. If you need me for anything, just come straight in. You don’t have to knock.”
“Okay.” There was no way that was happening. I wouldn’t just barge in on him, no matter what he said.
“Or you can call out,” Zeke said softly. “I’ll hear you if you need me.”
The buzz from earlier was back now, the unfamiliar surroundings adding to the sensory overload. I nodded, praying Zeke would hurry up so I could be alone.
It wasn’t that I needed to be alone. When I felt like this, not being alone was actually preferable. But people often didn’t understand that, while I liked the company, I needed silence. Sometimes, I wanted to be touched. Other times I couldn’t stand it.
I’d learned that it was easier to pull myself together on my own.
Zeke opened the door and flicked on the light. I stepped inside after him, surprise washing over me. The room itself was huge. It had to be at least as big as the downstairs of my house. Aside from the obvious bed and bedside tables, there was a desk with a monitor and other office bits on it, a half-filled bookcase, and two squashy looking armchairs with a low coffee table between them. On the wall opposite the bed was a huge television. It was spotlessly clean, the bed stacked high with pillows and cushions. There was a thick blue blanket on top that looked so soft that I yearned to wrap myself up in it.
There was no way this was just a random guest room they’d thrown together. Did they just have it ready to go at all times?
On one of the bedside tables, there were two unopened bottles of water and a giant pack of Jelly Babies. I turned to look at Zeke questioningly.
“My friends wanted to make sure you were comfortable,” he said softly in explanation. “I sent them a few ideas of how to set the room up.”
“Thank you.” It was difficult to squeeze the words out, but I managed. “You didn’t need to do any of this.”
“We wanted to,” he said simply. “There’s a lock on the inside of the door. You don’t have to use it—no one will open this door without your express permission—but if it’ll make you feel more secure, then I’d encourage you to lock it.”
My face was blazing as I nodded. Once again, Zeke was making accommodations without me needing to ask. He’d paid attention to so much more than I’d realised.
“The bathroom’s through there.” Zeke pointed to a door in the corner. “It’s just for your use, so again, no one will disturb you. There’s fresh towels on the counter and there should be toiletries in the cupboard. If you need anything else though, please just say.”
I stared down at the thick carpet. Even if I’d been capable of speaking, I wouldn’t have been able to find the words. How could I thank Zeke for everything they’d all done for me this evening?
Tears were burning at the backs of my eyes as my hands started to tremble. I clasped them together, wondering how to ask Zeke to leave. To let me fall apart in private.
I couldn’t let him see me like this. Not yet.
Fortunately, Zeke seemed to once again sense exactly what I needed. He approached me, stopping a foot away. “I’ll leave you alone now, Sam, but I’m just on the other side of this wall. If you need me, just shout. Or text. Hell, you can tap on the wall if you like.”
I nodded once, already knowing that wouldn’t be happening.
“I mean it, Sam. Whatever it is you need—food, drink, or just company. I’ll be here like a shot.”
The tears were threatening to slip free. I didn’t look up at him. I couldn’t.
There was a long pause. In my peripheral vision, I could see Zeke’s hands in fists.
‘ See. You’ve upset him already. This is never going to work. ’
‘ You should leave now. Just go. What’s the point in staying? ’
My feet were glued to the carpet, all my limbs frozen.
Zeke came closer, brushing his lips over my temple. “Goodnight, Sam. Let me know if you need me.”
He pulled away abruptly, his footsteps clipped as he stalked for the door.
The first tear slipped free as the door closed behind him.
‘ Don’t let him hear you. He’ll make you go. No one wants you here, anyway. ’
I couldn’t leave, but I couldn’t ignore my thoughts any longer. They were clawing through my brain, shoving all my emotions down as they demanded all my attention.
Stumbling for the bathroom, I went inside and shut the door behind me. My hands were shaking so hard it took me three attempts to flick the lock.
I didn’t take in the furnishings beyond the shower and the bath.
The bath.
I flicked on the shower to drown out any noise. I wasn’t going to shower, the very thought of taking my clothes off and getting wet was more than I could handle right now.
The sound was useful though. It soothed me, the white noise of it just the right level to be a balm rather than an irritant. Plus, it would drown out any noise I made.
Kicking off my shoes, I climbed over the side of the bath and lowered myself down. The ceramic was cold where it met my skin, making me shiver. But it was okay.
This was better.
With the bath surrounding me, I felt secure. Safe. Contained.
Finally, I gave in. I opened the gates and let the emotions free. I let myself feel everything I’d been suppressing. The frustration. The fear. The confusion. The overstimulation.
I let it all go.
And, alone in that bathroom, I wept.