Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
brAUM
Y ou’d think after two full days of nonstop panicking and no sleep, I’d be bone tired.
And you’d be right.
Exhaustion weighs on me. My thoughts are sluggish, and my body feels like it weighs a ton.
Yet, here I am, unable to sleep as I stare up at Everly, lying soundly asleep beside Rowan.
My friend’s hand slipped into her pajama bottoms about a half hour ago, seeking out a warm place to reside.
He must’ve subconsciously found what he was looking for because Everly’s deep breathing has shifted to soft groans and light gasps.
The sounds are beautiful. Too beautiful for someone like me to listen to.
I don’t deserve to hear them, not after what I put her through only hours ago.
Still, I listen, unable to move. Shame beats through me just as hard as the desire to crawl up into the bed and sink into the empty space in front of Everly.
I swallow hard and force myself to remain still. Climbing into bed will only scare her, and I’m done doing that.
Unable to stop myself, I replay the fear that flickered across her face yesterday as I strangled her.
It was earned but still feels like a gut punch.
People can hate me for being better than them, they can despise me for having more than them, but they cannot ever claim I’m never not a gentleman.
Until now. The way I allowed myself to be so unhinged these past few days is inexcusable.
I’d become something, someone, I didn’t recognize.
What’s more shameful is how I found solace and a steady pillar of strength in Everly’s touch and within her words while I struggled with my inner demons.
Rather than handle them myself, I allowed her to battle them down for me.
She’d handled me with a kindness I didn’t deserve and a grace not even a goddess could match.
It was all so unfamiliar yet painfully comforting.
Growing up in a world where a knife could easily be found sticking out of one’s back, I’m unaccustomed to such genuine goodness in a person.
Everly’s an unexpected wonder. It’s unfortunate I discovered that about her while trying to destroy her.
How is it I can sit here in awe of a woman I’d so foolishly hurt? I snubbed The Universe by abusing the gift It bestowed upon me. What the fuck have I done?
My thoughts shift to The Universe and Its departure from me.
The Universe chose Everly as Its new host. Never once did I ever believe something like this was possible. The whole thing would be surreal if the silence in my head wasn’t so loud. It feels like part of my soul has been ripped away, leaving the rest of me to feel weathered and torn.
For a second, panic wells up and chokes me. I reach up to touch my throat to make sure there aren’t actual hands squeezing my windpipes. There’s not. It’s all in my head, in the space The Universe once occupied.
But panic isn’t the only thing rattling around in there.
Secrets, so many fucking secrets, swirl around in my head. Exhaustion makes it nearly impossible to sort through them all or even understand them. A throb starts up in my temple.
Why has The Universe chosen Everly? It’s not like she doesn’t deserve it.
The qualities she possesses are enough for me to want to covet her even if It hadn’t put Everly square in my path.
But there has to be more than simply wanting a new host. It must know something about her I don’t.
Is the answer within one of the many secrets swirling around in my brain?
I suppose I’ll have to figure that out when I’ve had some sleep.
My thoughts shift to the note in my pocket.
A tendril of fear wiggles through me. I could see in Everly’s eyes as she handed me that note that she didn’t comprehend the entirety of this message.
Sure, she was scared about the lobotomy part.
What’s not to get there? But what of the White Stag?
Does she know about them? And what of her warning about the organization?
Her words, low and solely for my ears, didn’t seem to host the appropriate amount of terror one should have when even mentioning the Children of the White Stag.
Did The Universe choose her because of this?
I rack my brain, searching for an answer that makes sense, but my thoughts are hardly coherent. I’m so fucking tired.
No matter what Its reasoning is for choosing Everly, I don’t begrudge It or her.
Now that I understand we’re meant to be, it’s not like I lost The Universe altogether.
Well, I am almost sure of that. If Everly wants nothing to do with me, I might lose all access to It.
A small voice in the back of my head whispers that I could force her to accept my presence in her life. We did strike a deal, after all.
Just as quickly as the idea pops up, I shove it away.
Everly might have struck a bargain with me, but right now, I don’t want her to do anything she isn’t willing to do. Shame slithers down my spine at the thought of coercing Everly to do anything.
I want her as she is, not because I’ve pulled certain strings to force her into something.
Unease tightens my gut. It’s not that I simply want her, I realize slowly.
What I feel goes much deeper than that. I have…
feelings for her. They’re so startlingly new, warm, and all-consuming that my knee-jerk reaction is to push it all away.
It doesn’t work. This desire to reach out and connect intimately with Everly, sharing not only our bodies with one another but our minds as well, remains.
I choke back a groan, wondering if the Universe brought me Everly to finally experience what others call love. If It has, why now?
Am I damned? Is that why I’m finding myself falling for a woman who is so clearly leagues above me? Will I end up falling for someone I’ve ruined? That can’t love me because I hurt her? Is unrequited love my punishment for my appalling behavior? God, I hope not. There must be a way to repent.
But how do I do that?
I suppose I could warn her about the organization she clearly knows nothing about. If she did, she would know never to speak about them with anyone.
That’s not enough. What else can I do for the woman who’s shaken the very foundation of my world? Again, I try to come up with an answer only to fail. Tomorrow… When I’ve gotten some sleep, I’ll know what to do. My head starts to drop, my chin hitting my chest.
There’s a gasp and sudden movement on the bed. My heavy eyelids rise in time for me to see Everly’s bottom lip getting trapped between her teeth as her body shudders hard.