Chapter 3
3
AGE 12
T he door opens, and I lift my head as Ash slips into my room. She climbs onto the bed and hugs me, but I push her arms away, sniffling as I sit up against my headboard. “Don’t hug me. Hug Ma. She deserves your hugs, not me.”
“You deserve all the hugs in the world, Dil.” Ignoring me, she moves up the bed and wraps her arms around me as best she can. She rests her head on my chest, and I put my hand on her back. “What you said to Ma was cruel, but I know you didn’t mean it. She knows that too.”
“I can’t stop the crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes. I bet they regret adopting me.” It’s not the first time I’ve thought that.
“Dillon, no.” Ash sits upright, holding my face in her hands. Her eyes are glassy as she stares at me. “Of course, they don’t. They love you. We all do.”
I hold my sister a little tighter. “I don’t know why. I’m always getting in trouble at school. I play my guitar way too late at night, keeping everyone up, even though Ma has told me to stop it so many times. I moan about doing chores all the time, and I’m always sneaking out and usually bringing you with me.”
“You’re a free spirit, Dil, and societal norms are trying to quash your spontaneity and crush your creativity.”
My sister is only a year older than me, and she’s way smarter, but there’s no way she said this. I don’t even know what it fucking means. I arch a brow as I stare at her. “What?”
She giggles. “I heard Shane saying it to Ma and Da last week. He was defending you. I liked the sound of it, so I memorized it.”
“You’re going to rule the world someday, Ash.” I truly mean that.
“As long as I get to do it with you by my side.”
I squeeze her closer, already feeling better. “Try stopping me.”
“Hey.”
We both look up, finding Shane in the doorway. “Can I talk to Dil alone for a bit?”
Ash looks to me. I know if I say no she’ll refuse to leave me, but this isn’t her fight. “It’s okay.”
Ash looks unsure as she looks from me to our oldest brother.
“He’s safe, Ash.” Shane smirks as he moves into the room. “I’m not going to beat the crap out of him though he deserves it.”
I nod because it’s the truth. I have more than deserved it, plenty of times, but Shane has never beat me up. He prefers to annoy the shit out of me using his words.
“I just want to have a chat with him. Man to man.”
“Go. I’ll be grand.”
She hugs me one final time before jumping off the bed. “Go easy on him,” she warns Shane as she passes. The door shuts behind her as Shane sits on the edge of my bed.
“Ash would walk over hot coals for you.”
“I know. I’d do the same for her.” Lots of my mates have sisters, and all they do is bitch about them. I’m lucky because my sister is chill, and she’s everything to me.
“I love the bond ye have, but you really should stop getting her into trouble.”
I lift a brow in his direction. “You ever tried talking Ash out of anything after she’s made up her mind?”
Shane chuckles. “We all share the same stubborn streak except for Ro maybe.”
I put new meaning to the word. Sometimes, I wonder whether I got my legendary stubbornness from my bio mother or father. I know I’m frowning as I force thoughts of those wankers from my mind.
The humor dies on my brother’s face. “You know what you have to do, Dil.” He gives me that look. The one that says he means business.
“I didn’t mean it.” I hug my knees to my chest.
“We all know that.” Shane leans in closer. “I don’t know what kind of shite is going through your head, Dillon, but I know it’s crap.” He grabs the back of my head. “You’re our brother. You’re their son. End of, Dil. Whatever bullshit is going on inside here.” He presses his finger to my brow. “It’s not the truth. I wish they’d never told you.”
“Why did they?” I have often wondered that myself.
I was only six and all it did was confuse me. Ma has tried to talk to me a few times, but I don’t want to speak about it. I want to forget I’m adopted. I want to feel normal, like the rest of my brothers and my sister. Talking about it will only keep reminding me I’m different. I get enough of that when I look in the mirror. My brothers all look alike, and though I have brown hair and blue eyes, same as Shane and Ro, I still look totally different to them, and I hate it.
“That little shit Ross Kenmare is to blame. Ma and Da had planned on telling you when you were ten, but after Ross started bullying Charlie at school, they were afraid to keep it from you. Everyone knows everyone’s business in Kilcoole. It’s no secret you were adopted. They were afraid you’d find out from Ross or someone else.”
“I wish I’d never known.”
“Then put it out of your mind.” Shane shrugs. “Force yourself to forget it.”
If only it were that easy.
“It doesn’t matter a bit to any of us, so if it’s bugging you that much, just forget about it. You’re one of us. It doesn’t matter whose gee you came out of.”
“Fucking gross.”
Shane grins. “You won’t be saying that for much longer.”
Shane still babies me too. “Talk to me about Rihanna’s gee, and I’m there, mate. Just leave Ma out of it.”
Shane chuckles before his “serious” face reappears. “Listen to me.” Shane grips my arms. “I’m not going to be around as much once I start back at UCD, and you and Ciarán need to step up and help Ma when I’m too busy with classes and studying. I know you can’t help it, but try to dial down your troublemaker setting, yeah?”
“I thought you didn’t want to crush my creativity or some shit.”
“That sneaky little bitch.” Shane shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “No one wants to crush your spirit, Dil.” His gaze lands on my guitar where it’s propped against the wall. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re a future superstar in the making.” He puts his hand over his heart. “I know it as much as I know I’ll be taking charge of the farm as soon as I graduate and diversifying before it’s too late.”
I’ve heard him arguing with Da over the dinner table about diversification, but I usually tune out farm talk as it bores me to tears.
“But you can’t say that crap to Ma, Dillon,” he adds. “You’ve really hurt her this time.”
I slide my legs off the bed. “I’ll say sorry.”
Shane stands the same time I do. “I think Ma is right and it’d do you good to talk to someone.”
“I don’t need a psychologist,” I scoff. “I’m not talking to some shrink.” Some stranger isn’t going to help me make sense of the shit in my head when he doesn’t even know me.
“It might help, Dillon.”
“I’m going to talk to Ma,” I say, brushing past him.
“Dil,” he calls after me, and I stop in the doorway and look over my shoulder.
“I know we haven’t always gotten on, but you’re my brother, and I’m here for you. You can talk to me about anything. I’ll always make time for you, okay?”
I jerk my head in acknowledgment before walking off downstairs.
Ma is standing at the cooker in the kitchen when I walk in. She looks back and stops stirring whatever’s in the saucepan as I walk over to her. I can barely get the words out over the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry, Ma. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know you didn’t.”
I wrap my arms around her. “It’s not what I think,” I whisper. “I don’t know why I said it. I’m really sorry.”
She runs her hand back and forth across the back of my head. “I wish you’d talk to me, Dillon, or talk to someone, anyone. It’s not healthy to bury your feelings inside. They need to come out.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Ma,” I whisper.
“And that’s exactly why you should.” Her soft tone normally comforts me, but I hate disappointing her, and I know I’m still doing it.
I ease out of her embrace. “You can ground me all year. I’ll take whatever punishment I deserve.”
“One week, and you’ll do extra chores around the house and the farm.”
“Okay.” I shuffle on my feet. “I really am sorry.”
“I know, honey.” She presses a kiss to my cheek. “I love you, son.”
I want to return the sentiment, but the words just won’t come. They haven’t for a few years now.
She puts her hand on my arm. “It’s okay, Dillon. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I just want you to be happy. We both do, and we love you so, so much. I wish there was a way to cut open my heart and show you so you’d believe it.”
“I believe it,” I say even though I’m not fully sure that’s the truth. Some days, I don’t know what I believe.
“You’re so precious to me, Dillon, and I worry about you.” She pats my cheek. “I won’t force you to speak to a professional, but at least speak to your sister or to Shane or even Cillian or Jamie. Don’t let those feelings fester inside you because one day they will explode, and it won’t be pretty.”