Chapter Fifteen
“Iwas wrong.”
Julian’s head shot up at Elaina’s words. Not only were they not true, he never imagined he would hear her say the words if they had been.
She disliked him or had originally. She’d listed all the ways he was unfit for this task. But now she had said she’d been wrong.
He shook his head and opened his mouth to correct her, but she placed her hand on his arm. He hid a gasp of surprise at the pleasure he felt in that simple touch.
In the midst of his fit, he’d only vaguely noticed the way she’d taken his hand. It had been a point to focus on in order to catch his breath and steady his churning thoughts. A light in a turbulent storm helping to guide him back.
The heat of shame washed over him again.
She’d seen everything. The way he’d broken when tasked with more than he could handle.
Except… he’d handled it.
She’d helped him through it. She hadn’t allowed him to shy away as she took over. She’d stayed by his side and offered encouragement.
Why?
She’d made no secret of how much he irritated her. Not from the moment her uncle had told her of Julian’s plans to join them at the Expedition ball.
Why would she want to help him?
A braver man might have asked as they walked into the house. But he needed to escape.
“Nay, you were not wrong. I may have managed not to muck things up too badly today, but you were not wrong about me.” When she opened her mouth, most likely to refute his argument, he shook his head and held up his hand. “I thank you for your assistance and understanding, but if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a trying day.”
In his room, he just stood there, unsure of what to do next. He was physically exhausted after his episode, and his mind couldn’t grasp onto just one thing to think about.
“Are you well?” Ben said quietly as he found him standing there with shaking hands. Julian wasn’t sure how long the man had been standing next to him before he’d spoken.
“No,” Julian answered. Then changed his response to, “I’m not sure.”
“Did something happen?” Ben asked.
“I had an episode. In front of Miss Bantham.” He rubbed his temples and hung his head.
“I see.” The man had seen such attacks before. He’d always been patient and kind as Julian found his way out of them. It was bad enough for his friend to see that, but for Elaina to be put in that position.
“As you know she’s not endeared to me, I can’t imagine this will help. And I can’t blame her—now that she’s seen my deficiencies up close—to pass me over for the trip to Egypt. I wouldn’t want someone on such a voyage who wasn’t able to dig a piece of pottery out of the dirt without breaking down. She didn’t want me to come, and now I’ve given her a valid reason to restrict my passage.”
“Did she say something in that regard?”
“Well, no. She was most pleasant and patient, and really good about the whole matter. But still…”
“Perhaps you are making more of it than it requires? After all, there is nothing to be done for it one way or the other. If she decides to hold this against you, she will. And if not…” Ben shrugged.
Shrugged.
As if this were no big deal. As if this were not Julian’s only chance to do something meaningful with his life before ceding to his father’s demands.
“Since when does having a valid reason to worry come into it?” Julian asked. For years he’d known his attacks were unfounded and outrageous. But once he’d latched onto something he couldn’t just let it go. It was beyond him.
Ben sighed in what could only be defeat. Telling someone there is nothing to worry about rarely ever stopped them from worrying. People didn’t work that way.
“I can’t think of even one time,” Ben relented.
“Right. Telling me I have no reason to worry only makes me worry more.”
“Then by all means, please continue in your worry. I shall go ready a bath so you are suitable for dinner.”
“Dinner? I can’t go down to dinner.” Had the man not been listening? He was getting on in years, but Julian had never seen him anything but lucid.
Ben tilted his head.
“Do you plan to leave this room again? Ever?”
Julian glared at the older man. He was being ludicrous now, and well he knew it.
“Of course, I will need to leave the room. I’ll just need to do so when Miss Bantham is otherwise involved so I don’t ever have to speak to her again.”
“Very well.”
Julian knew that very well was spoken with layer upon layer of sarcasm.
He swallowed and hoped Ben would accept his next recommendation.
“Perhaps we should just go back to London.”
“You are saying you wish to run away on the off chance the woman refuses to allow you to attend the larger expedition. But if she has no intention of doing so, your cowardice will most likely ensure that she will forbid you from coming. Therefore, you are creating your own fate rather than waiting for the actual outcome. I see. How direct and efficient you are.”
“When you put it like that, it sounds utterly ridiculous.”
“Oh, good. You also think you’re being ridiculous. I enjoy when we reach an understanding.”
Julian rubbed his temples and paced about the room.
“I know it might not make sense, but I don’t want her to welcome me to the expedition out of pity. I’d rather she reject my offer if she truly feels that way than make special provisions because I made an arse of myself in her presence.”
“And mine,” Ben said but hid his insolence behind a cough.
“You’re supposed to cough while you say it to disguise your rudeness.”
“But how will you know I’m being rude if I hide it behind a cough?”
“I’m quite capable of dressing myself. I don’t know why I keep you around.”
“Because I tell you the truth whether you wish to hear it or not. As any good friend should do.” The man had him there. He was a good friend.
“What do you suggest I do?” Julian asked. Ben was right. It was better to hear the truth from a trusted source when one was behaving irrationally, rather than have it known to all the ton.
The best thing about Ben was, he didn’t point out how he had offered up numerous suggestions already and Julian had ignored each one. Instead, he considered seriously for a moment while tapping his chin before speaking.
“I think I shall get you a glass of whisky while you’re in the bath. So you might relax before going down to dinner.”
Julian stared at the man who generally spoke of the foolishness of overindulging. And who was now suggesting he drink his problems away.
Giving in, he simply nodded and went to change.
If the whisky didn’t work, he could always leave for London in the morning.
*
Lainey was waitingoutside the dining room when Bentley came downstairs, heading for the study at the end of the hall.
“Good evening, Miss Bantham,” he greeted her with a bow and a smile.
“Good evening, Mr. Bentley.” She swallowed and decided to ask for the man’s help. “Could I bother you for a moment of your time?”
“It is no bother at all. You may have as much of my time as you require.”
She didn’t miss the way his gray eyes darted toward the stairs as he answered. As if he didn’t want to be away from Julian for very long.
“I am worried I may have made a grave error in regard to Lord Melville.”
“There is a fair amount of worrying going around. What has you concerned?”
“You see, at the site earlier today, Lord Melville became distraught over removing an artifact from its current location in the ground.”
“It is my understanding this is the whole purpose of archaeology, is it not?” the man mentioned casually.
“It is. But you see, Jul—Lord Melville found the artifact and was then reluctant to continue the extraction for fear he might ruin the piece in some way.”
“And what has you worrying over his worrying?”
“I fear I may have pushed him to do something that truly made him uncomfortable. I wanted to be encouraging, but according to my uncle, my version of encouragement occasionally borders slightly into… well… bossiness. I assure you I had every intention of helping the earl when I practically forced him to continue unearthing the pitcher. But now, after some time to think, I realize I may have pushed too far and maybe caused real damage. Not to mention, ruined this experience for him.”
Mr. Bentley smiled in that kind, knowing way of his.
“Shall I pass on an invitation to join you for dinner where the two of you may discuss the situation and work it out before moving on?”
“Oh.” She blinked. When the man said it like that, it seemed like the easiest thing in the world to do. “Yes. Please.”
“I’ll do it straight away. I’m fetching him a restorative.”
“Do you mean whiskey?”
“Quite.”
They shared a smile and Mr. Bentley leaned a bit closer.
“For what it’s worth, I think you handled the matter perfectly. Julian needs more people telling him he is capable and not at all what his father told him he was. Not everything he touches is destined to fail because he had a hand in it. I think he often believes that to be the truth.”
“Gun luach,”she whispered. What a horrible word whether in English or Gaelic.
“Aye.” The man suddenly looked heartbroken.
“We must convince him otherwise.” Lainey was always happy to find an easy solution to a problem.
“Aye, lass.” He winked. “I’ll see that he is down to meet you momentarily.”
Lainey went into the dining room to wait for the earl. Usually when they’d dined, she’d taken the seat at the far end of the table across from him.
But this evening she needed to speak with him about more personal things, so she allowed the footman to seat her to the left of the head of the table where Julian would be sitting.
As the clock on the mantle ticked, she began wondering about her request to have him join her.
She understood he might be embarrassed by his upset earlier in the day, but she wanted to reassure him there was nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, she wished to make sure he didn’t spend the evening thinking about the incident at all. She well knew how welcome a distraction could be when one was set on overthinking something.
When he entered the dining room, he was dressed in formal dinner attire. He paused only a moment at the door, while obviously taking in her position at his side of the table.
She could tell what he was thinking because he looked pointedly to the opposite end of the table as if surprised to find she was not sitting there.
“Miss Bantham, good evening.” He offered a bow.
“And good evening to you, my lord.” Since she was already seated, she returned a genuine smile.
“My valet insisted I join you. He said you wished to speak to me.”
“Yes. After the evenings I spent in my room, I wanted to make sure you knew I hoped to share a meal this evening.”
“Of course.”
He sat and the footmen came forward to serve the first course.
They sat in silence as they finished their soup. She stole a glance at him and could feel the heat of his stare when he looked at her.
As the footmen took their dishes away and served the next course, Lainey recalled all the times Aunt Rose noted Lainey’s lack of patience. It seemed tonight was going to be another one of those times she gave into her impulsiveness.
“Thank you,” she said to the servants. “If you’ll just put all the food on the table, we will manage from here. Please give us the room.”
“Of course, Miss Bantham.” The footman nodded to the others standing about the room and they filed out in a line as if they’d practiced it to perfection.
Thinking of perfection made her turn her attention to Julian and the nervous look in his eye.
She let out a breath and began cutting into her roasted duck.
It seemed she was not the only person at the table who struggled with patience, for Lord Melville set down his cutlery and let out a breath.
“Will you be dismissing me from the expedition, Miss Bantham? I understand you are well within your rights to do so. I agreed that you would make the decision regarding Egypt based on my performance here, and I’ve been less than successful during this trial period. I want to thank you for the opportunity and assure you I wish you no ill will for making such a decision.”
She stared at him in surprise. He had been thinking about this in great detail. She felt relieved she’d suggested they share a meal to clear the air. It was evident there was a great deal to clear.
“When you say you’ve been less than successful, I feel the need to point out that you were actually quite successful today. The goal is to preserve the artifact as best as possible as it is removed from the ground. You did that carefully and correctly, following my every instruction to ensure the pitcher was handled with the utmost care. You were, in fact, perfect.”
She should have said he’d behaved perfectly rather than admit to his perfection in general, but it was out now and taking it back would only call more attention to her misstep than ignoring it. Or so she hoped. Ignoring it was surely the easiest route.
Julian smiled. That devilish smile that started with the left side of his mouth, engaging his dimple before his lips lifted on the other side to match.
“You think I’m perfect?”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course, you would focus on those words rather than the rest of what I said.”
“It’s not every day a beautiful woman declares me perfect. Allow a man to bask in a compliment for a moment.”
“I wouldn’t say I declared anything.” She rolled her eyes.
“I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t argue that you are a beautiful woman.”
“You are being ridiculous.” Her words were true, but ridiculous or not, it had given her a thrill to hear his comment.
“Will you give me another chance?” he asked.
“You do not need another chance. Nothing that happened today was so egregious as to end your trial arrangement prematurely. We still have another two weeks before we leave for London. I can only recommend that we continue on as we were.”
“Thank you, Miss Bantham.”
“You are quite welcome, my lord. For the record, I would much prefer someone who cares maybe too much over an extraction than to deal with someone reckless. Once something is broken it can be repaired but it can never be made whole again.”
She may have been speaking a little of herself rather than an artifact.
She had been broken five years ago and had not been whole since. She’d gone into her come out an eager, na?ve girl and a few hours later she’d faced a harsh dose of reality.
Silence fell over them again, not as uncomfortable as before, but she found she didn’t want to go back to how they’d been. For whatever reason the young man who had hurt her years ago was not the same man that was here with her now.
Or at least she’d seen no evidence of the cruel person who’d caused her to give up on her plans for a husband and family of her own.
“My parents died when I was eleven,” she blurted out, feeling the need to share something intimate to maintain the closeness they’d managed to build in the last few minutes.
Julian’s eyes went wide as he waited for her to continue.
“They drowned in a carriage accident. I was in the carriage with them when it ran off a bridge and landed on its side in the river. My mother was killed instantly, but my father was alive and fairly unharmed. As the water rushed into the carriage, he tried to open the door but he couldn’t get it open. I was small enough to fit through the window. So, he boosted me through the opening and told me to swim for the shore.”
She felt the chill as if she was soaked to the skin standing on the riverbank on that dreary October evening.
“I stood there crying and shivering. I didn’t run for help. I did nothing except exactly what he told me to do.” She took a steadying breath. “Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what might have happened if I’d found someone to help rescue him. I might have saved him. But I didn’t.”
“That is why you tensed when we went over a bridge during our journey.”
“Yes. That’s why. My point is, that I am haunted as well. My father was a wonderful man who loved me, so I don’t understand that element of what you suffer with. But I still grow anxious when I go over a bridge after all these years.”
He nodded and placed a hand over hers. Offering comfort as she had done for him.
“When I remember how useless I was that night, I feel that same sense of panic as if it were just happening in that moment. They say time heals all wounds, but some are so deep they remain. We all have demons. Maybe sharing what brings them about with a friend means we have someone to help us when they try to pull us down.”
“But—”
“If you are about to tell me you are a formidable man and shouldn’t be stricken by memories the same as a woman, I will thump you in the nose, Julian Huntly.”
He chuckled.
“I would never say such a thing.” He tilted his head to the side. “I was going to ask… Are we friends? For I was certain you hated me for some unknown and unjustified reason.”
“Unjustified?”
“Yes. I used that word specifically so you would prove me wrong and therefore justify your dislike for me.”
He was smiling as he said it, and she decided they had spoken enough about emotional demons and baggage. Including the past she’d shared with him.
“Let’s just say, I thought you were someone else. And now I think I know the real you.”
He blinked in surprise.
“Is that a good thing? That would mean you disliked the person you thought I was? But how would you have known me?”
“It is not important now,” she said and found it was true. Whatever his crimes back then, he hadn’t even had the title yet. He was still struggling to come into himself and find out who he was.
She was certain the man before her now had paid his punishment tenfold at the hands of his worthless sire. The vengeance Lainey had originally sought was unnecessary.
Aunt Rose often accused Lainey of wanting to help every downtrodden soul she came across, and it was possible this was the reason she was willing to forgive Lord Melville so easily. Whatever the reason, Julian was no longer a villain, but a damaged soul that needed her assistance.
Or perhaps her willingness to forgive him had more to do with the way his smile made her stomach flutter.