Chapter Seventeen
It felt odd to be wearing a gown. Especially one so elaborate as the green confection Nettie assisted Elaina into for their final dinner at Dalkeith.
“You look lovely,” Lord Melville said as she descended the stairs to meet him in the foyer.
“Thank you. You are very handsome,” she said before thinking on her words. Should she have admitted to thinking him handsome? She was only speaking the truth.
“You are too kind.” He offered a quick bow and held out his arm to escort her to the dining room. As usual, he assisted her into the seat next to him.
She expected it to feel different, but touching his arm now felt exactly the same as it did when he’d helped her down from the wagon at the dig. Or assisted her in maneuvering a pile of rock.
The familiar tingle and heat radiated from the point of contact, up her arm and throughout her body. Lately, that tingle had resonated in a lower part of her body that was indecent, but delightful.
She shook her head to rid herself of the thoughts before they turned her cheeks crimson. It wouldn’t do to be thinking of such things when she would be bundled in a carriage with him for days on end as they returned to England.
She couldn’t believe their time had already come to an end.
While she looked forward to seeing Aunt Rose and Uncle Henry, she would miss this time with Julian. She wasn’t ready to leave Scotland.
Here at Dalkeith Castle, they were in a bubble of contentment. No external forces pulling them apart. No distractions. Just she and Julian in the evening entertaining each other with comical tales of their youths.
“Are you looking forward to returning to London?”
She opened her mouth to tell him she was not, but instead settled on, “I suppose it is time.” Which meant nothing. “At least the Season will be over.”
“You don’t enjoy the activities?”
She shouldn’t have shrugged for it was unladylike, but there were no words to properly answer in the way a shrug did. When he didn’t say anything else, she felt the need to speak.
“I’m sure it’s not a surprise to you to know I do not fit in with the other ladies of the ton.”
“Do you think it a bad thing?”
“I used to wonder what it might be like to be… normal. It is strange, I always see the other ladies as so perfectly ordinary. I guess I always wanted a life like theirs. A normal life. But I have loved all the adventures I’ve been a part of and the places I have seen.”
“And now?” Julian asked. “Which life would you choose? A staid existence that fits society’s dictates, or the chaos and adventure of a life in foreign lands?”
She didn’t have to think about it.
“I would choose the life I have with Henry and Rose.” She smiled remembering those first days with them. “When I was eleven, I rather viewed their affection for one another with disgust. But now, I know it comes from true adoration. While many society marriages offer one another respect, it is rare to see any hint of passion between them. I would guess it is because there is none rather than they’ve mastered the ability to hide it.”
“And you want passion?” he asked.
What an odd conversation to be having. But it was not surprising. Over the last two months she and Julian had often delved into very personal topics of conversation. There was only so much banal chit chat to be had with a person.
“Who wouldn’t want passion if it was an option?” she asked, knowing she had no such options.
He let out a breath and nodded. “Indeed.” Some sadness clouded his brilliant blue eyes.
Without looking at her, he broke the short silence.
“Do you think one could be happy without passion? If there was no other option.”
She paused to consider the question rather than respond immediately with something vague. It was clear he wanted an honest answer. Something was weighing on him and she found she wanted to help.
“I suppose one could be content in an arrangement with someone they respected. Likewise, a relationship without respect would surely bring misery. But happiness…? I fear true happiness is only to be found as a result of passion.”
“Yes, I think you might be right.”
Normally she would have enjoyed hearing him say she was right. But not in this instance, when he seemed haunted by something that would keep him from finding the happiness he wished for.
*
Julian was stillcontemplating his grim future as the dishes were taken away.
It was what he deserved for discussing such unpleasant topics with Elaina. Happiness and passion and the concern he would spend his life with neither because of his father’s cruel mandate.
On top of his concerns for his future, he was also slightly anxious about tonight. He had wanted to speak to Elaina on another matter. He’d rather not have their good humor slip on their return trip. He would hate it if she slipped back into her previous dislike of him.
He hated the weakness of wanting to be accepted all these years after he was no longer berated daily for his lack of acceptability, but there it was.
One could hide the damage caused by a storm, but behind the plaster and artwork, the wood continued to rot.
“Are you all right, my lord?” Elaina asked, concern clear in her brown eyes.
He was taken off guard by her question. Had he let down his guard?
“I’m fine. Why do you ask?” he whispered.
“I—never mind.”
That did pique his curiosity. “Please. What were you going to say?”
“I thought I felt you tense.”
“We were not even touching.”
“Which is why I said never mind. I can’t explain it properly. I obviously didn’t feel you tense in a physical manner, yet I…felt it.” Her tone was snappish and he grinned.
She often got irritable when forced to admit she didn’t dislike him as much as she pretended. He rather liked putting her in such a position as often as possible. After all, they were friends.
Once again, he felt the word didn’t encompass the way he felt for her. He was friends with Hale and Kit and even Graham. He felt an almost familial bond with Ben. But this connection he felt with Elaina was something different entirely.
And he was pleased to know she must be feeling it as well.
“I think I understand.”
“I’m certain, that is impossible.”
“Nay. I can feel something from you as well. I feel that you wish to drag me into the study and ravish me.”
Such a comment would have caused gasps and swoons among proper society, but Elaina simply rolled her eyes. He smiled his real smile. He often used humor to keep others from seeing what he didn’t want them to see. But it didn’t work with this woman.
And she hadn’t been wrong. He was nervous about broaching the topic of her previous dislike of him.
Drat the woman. How did she see so much? Or feel it, for that matter. He was well-practiced at persuading other people to believe he was at ease in any situation.
Deciding it was best to get things underway, he pushed his chair away from the table and stood with his hand extended to her.
“Would you care to join me for a stroll in the gardens?”
He almost expected her to point out that the evenings were chilly and reject his offer, but instead she placed her hand in his and stood.
Rather than drag it out, he got right to the point.
“In an effort to continue our journey pleasantly, I wish to know why it is you disliked me so much. I know it’s me and not your general countenance, for you are pleasant to everyone else. Do I not even deserve to know what I’d done to earn your ire?”
If she was shocked by his ambush, she didn’t show it.
“Very well.” She crossed her arms. “It was my very first ball, five years ago at my come out.”
“You had a come out?” As soon as the words were out, he realized he’d made a grave error.
“Yes. The woman who plays in the dirt had a Season.” Sarcasm oozed from every word.
“My apologies, please go on.” He was suddenly reluctant to hear the rest of her story. If she had come out at seventeen or eighteen, he would have still been under the rule of his father. He hadn’t been the best person back then. In fact, he’d been a complete bounder.
“You will not be surprised to know that most men do not prefer me,” she announced, surprising him.
“Why not?” He honestly wanted to know the answer. Other than her antagonism, he found her intelligent and funny. And yes, she was pretty when she wasn’t scowling at him. As she was now.
“Don’t insult me.”
“I mean no insult. I truly wish to know why you think men do not favor you.”
“It is not something I think. It is true. I am taller than many men and they do not care for it. When I saw you at the ball, I fancied myself in—interested in you.”
“Because of my height?”
“Yes. I thought perhaps a man of your stature might find a taller woman a convenience.”
He thought he knew why, but it didn’t stop him from making her explain, despite her squirming.
“A convenience?”
She blew out a resigned breath and gestured toward her lips.
“For kissing. You wouldn’t need to bend down so far to reach. It was ridiculous and soon—”
He stepped closer, enthralled by her courage and awareness of herself, even if she got many things wrong. Even if he had not noticed until now.
“I find I am quite fascinated to test your theory.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’ve never kissed a woman as tall as you, and I’d like to try it. I can speak to bending over to kiss women in the past and while it’s not been a problem, I am not getting any younger and must take care with my back. Let’s give this a go, so I might see if it is more convenient.”
“You are mocking me.”
“I promise you, I am not.” He raised his brow and took a step closer. “You admitted to finding me interesting. There must have been something about me that made you think of kissing.” He couldn’t stop himself from thinking of kissing her now that she’d said it.
“It was a long time ago.”
“And we are here together now.” He traced the edge of her jaw with his finger and watched her tremble as her eyes flared with excitement.
She swallowed and closed her eyes to him.
“You should know, I’ve already sent off the letter to my uncle with my decision, so seducing me—or attempting to—won’t change anything. It’s too late.”
He nodded in understanding. He’d known he didn’t carry much of a chance, and the slim one he’d been afforded had surely been lost after his episode. He’d known that this trip to Scotland might be the extent of his adventure and this woman had indeed made it an adventure.
Despite his disappointment in the outcome, there was one thing he was grateful for.
“Good,” he said with a grin. “If it is too late, then you have no choice but to know I am sincere in my desire to kiss you just for the sake of kissing you.” His fingertip brushed her bottom lip and a slight moan escaped her throat.
“I-I’ve never kissed anyone before,” she admitted in a breathy whisper.
He hid his surprise. How had she gone this long without being kissed? But he knew Miss Elaina Bantham could erect some impenetrable walls when she needed to.
“We can change that right now. If you wish.”
As close as he was and as pliable as she was in this hazy state, he would have her permission before he proceeded. He wouldn’t give her yet another reason to hate him.
“I don’t understand.” She stared at him while he waited for her answer. “I assumed your flirtation was simply due to a lack of options.”
Did the woman not know the attraction she held?
Elaina was exciting and unexpected. He loved to watch her lips while waiting for her next words. Not knowing what they would be.
Except now, he was watching her lips for a completely different reason. And the excitement he felt was much lower and pressing earnestly against her hip.
“I would very much like to kiss you, Elaina,” he said to clear up any doubts that may have lingered. Or if she hadn’t yet noticed his erection which seemed unlikely.
“Truly?” she whispered with her head cocked to the side as if she were waiting for him to declare everything a jest.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked quietly. During the course of their discussion, she had not moved away, nor pushed him back. Instead, her fingers were clenched in his coat and he would need to remove them to escape. Not that he desired escape. Quite the opposite.
She studied his face for a moment before nodding.
“Yes. Please.”
He didn’t give her even a second to reconsider. It felt as if he’d been waiting for this chance too long already.
His lips claimed hers softly at first as one arm wrapped securely at her waist in easy reach of his own. His other hand rested along her jaw and throat to guide her through her first kiss.
He didn’t take for granted this gift she was giving him. Her first kiss. The rest of her life she would remember it was him she had given the honor. He wanted her to think back on it with fondness. He would make it pleasant.
When he touched his tongue to her lips she opened with a gasp of surprise, and he took the kiss deeper.
She was not wrong about her height being a convenience, but that was not the only thing that made this kiss exquisite. Her innocent exploration of his mouth was unexpected and exhilarating.
He’d dallied with experienced women. Widows, generally, who’d wanted only sexual release from him. Kissing was just a step in the dance. Not the entire dance as this moment was.
They feasted on each other’s mouths as if this was all there was.
And it was enough. For the moment at least.