Chapter Eighteen
Lainey had never felt so pleasantly out of sorts. Despite the fog of desire clouding her thoughts, she was also clearly present.
Every press of his soft lips and slide of his warm tongue was captured with crystal clarity in her mind. She would forever recall the way he tasted of port and rum cake. Divine.
She was kissing Lord Melville. No, she was kissing Julian. And more importantly, he was kissing her. She’d told him kissing her would make no difference in the outcome of her decision regarding Egypt. And yet he’d wanted to kiss her anyway.
Some small part of her mind also noted she had been correct about the ease of access their heights granted, but that was not important now.
She realized with a shock that as good as his mouth felt against hers, she also enjoyed his touch. The firm grip of his hand on her hip, holding her close to him. So close, she could feel the hardness of him growing between them.
She tilted her hips to press closer to him, the action as natural as breathing. As if his touch alone bestowed some carnal knowledge.
Surely, she should be touching him as well. Not just standing there allowing the kiss but participating in it too.
She rested one of her hands on his upper arm, but feeling only the fabric of his coat, she decided to move up so she could touch his skin. At his neck she tunneled her fingers through his hair so she could hold him to her.
With her other hand she chose to mimic his pose and placed her arm around him, but when she did, her hand inadvertently slipped into the inside of his coat instead of the outside.
The inviting warmth kept her from retreating and the groan of pleasure against her lips told her he enjoyed her error.
Her touch seemed to ignite him. Soon his hands moved over her body. Up her back at first and then down, and farther down until they rested over her bottom. His hands squeezed her there and pressed her closer to the ridge in his trousers.
This was no longer just a kiss. It was a prelude to something more. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted to back away or reach for it.
Since she’d been a young girl trailing behind her aunt and uncle on an expedition site, she had never turned away from a new experience.
As she was debating her decisions, the earl must have been equally alert to the precipice where they stood.
With a groan unlike the others so far, he slowed his kisses and lifted his hands to a more respectable place on her back. She could sense his reluctance and knew the strength it must have taken to end the kiss and rest his forehead against hers while they panted to catch their breath.
More strength than she possessed for sure.
“You were quite right,” he said quietly, his warm breath touching the moisture on her lips. “It is quite pleasant kissing someone of your height.”
When he shook his head, it moved her likewise.
“No,” he corrected. “Not someone. You. It is quite pleasant to kiss you, Elaina.”
She smiled, unable to help herself.
“But you’ve stopped.” She tried to hide the disappointment in her voice and failed.
“I didn’t want to. But we were getting too close to a place we could not recover from. And I had only asked for a kiss.”
“Do you wish to amend your request?” What was she saying? She couldn’t allow him to ruin her. Him. Lord Mel-villain.
Except she realized that was not him. It seemed it never had been. He obviously cared about her enough to stop before it was too late.
Still, she was three and twenty. A spinster with no other opportunities to have this experience.
“No. That is, yes. Most assuredly yes. But I won’t because I respect you too much.”
“I see.” She frowned. She certainly shouldn’t be upset to have a man respect her, but with her body humming from his touch, she couldn’t seem to appreciate his integrity at the moment. Perhaps later, when she was alone in her room, she would feel fortunate he didn’t push her into something she might have regretted.
But right now… she wanted.
He caressed her cheek and she softened once again from just that simple touch.
“Please don’t be angry at me for doing the right thing. I can’t even be certain you like me most of the time and I don’t wish to do anything to make it worse.”
She laughed and nodded.
“You’re right. I’m sure I will thank you for this later. I just don’t like missing out on an adventure. Specifically, what would have come after that kiss had we not stopped. Surely it would have been an exciting exploration.”
He kissed her again, a quick, soft touch of his lips.
“Perhaps another time, when you’ve considered it thoroughly. I would never pretend to know better than you what you want and don’t want. But that decision needs to be made with a clear head and I’m afraid neither of us can claim one of those at the moment.”
He was right. She took a steadying breath and nodded. Her cheeks went warm when she realized she’d practically begged this rogue to take her virtue and he had refused her.
What a fool.
“I should go,” she said as she took a step away from him. But he put an arm around her, holding her close and kissing her again. Why did she turn to melted butter whenever his lips touched hers?
“You have no idea how much I want you right now. And how surprised I am that I am not taking you up on your offer. But you need to know before you begin analyzing the situation incorrectly that the only reason I stopped is because you are too important and too special for a dalliance. Tell me, you understand.”
Her doubts from a moment ago floated away as if they’d never existed.
She looked him in the eye noticing how dark his blue eyes had gone.
“I understand.”
He nodded and brushed a piece of her hair from her forehead before whispering, “Good lass. Shall we go back inside?”
Lainey touched her lips, plump from his kisses and smiled.
“Yes.” She turned for the door. They’d only gone two steps before she stopped him again. “Thank you, Julian.”
Whatever he was or had been, he had given her the most perfect first kiss. She would remember it all her life.
And hoped it would not be the only one.
*
Julian tossed andturned in his bed for what felt like the hundredth time. If it was just restlessness from being unfulfilled by her kisses, he could have eased the tension with his hand. But that was not the issue.
Or not the entirety of the issue. His body did still want hers, but he was resolved to treat her the way she deserved. To respect her. Because he genuinely cared for her.
What vexed him as he tried to sleep was that their earlier conversation had been interrupted. She’d started to tell him the reason she didn’t like him, something that had happened the night of her come out, but they’d gotten distracted by the kiss.
Most assuredly the best kiss of his life for both her innocent determination and eager sensuality.
But he still didn’t know what he had done to cause her initial dislike of him. Something that had happened at her first ball.
He struggled with memories from so long ago. Mostly because he’d gladly pushed them as deep into the dark recesses of his mind as possible. It was not a time he liked to think of.
It had been a part of his life he hadn’t been proud of.
After leaving Scotland and leaving Hale and Kit behind for London, he’d spent his evenings with the chaps his father had encouraged him to build a friendship with. Proper English lords, he’d claimed them rather than the Scottish brutes Julian had known at Heriot’s. But Lord Dunnage and Lord Heath had been conniving monsters. Acting the perfect gentlemen when their fathers were about, but showing their true colors when they were alone with Julian.
Only Julian’s size kept him from being injured physically, but they had been terrors. He’d nearly forgotten all the cruel pranks they’d played.
Just as Julian was finally drifting off to sleep, his subconscious provided him with the answer he’d been seeking. A snippet of a memory.
The night of the Marksley Ball—always the first of the Season—when Robert had stolen a decanter of brandy from his father’s study and they’d proceeded to drink it in the gardens before going back inside as the dancing began.
The heat of the room in addition to the warmth from the brandy forced beads of sweat to form on Julian’s brow, a heavy blanket of drunkenness muddled his thoughts to the point that he found everything incredibly funny. Everything. Even things that weren’t funny at all.
He’d stood by the wall, or rather he’d used the wall to hold him up, while Robert had gone off to dance. Julian knew dancing was beyond him in his state, he’d be lucky if he could walk. Had he drunk more than the others, for they seemed fine? Perhaps Robert’s stalky build aided in his tolerance.
It seemed Robert had only been gone a moment before he’d returned with a girl. A very tall debutante with golden-red hair and warm, though nervous, brown eyes.
Robert introduced them. But Julian hadn’t caught her name. He thought Robert had called the poor girl Miss Stork, but that couldn’t be right.
He laughed again at how strange it was that he couldn’t think straight. He laughed a great bit, he realized. When he settled enough to ask for her real name, the girl was gone.
He lurched up in bed from the dream. But awareness only brought the rest of the memory.
He’d thought he’d paid for his stupidity later that evening as he was casting up his guts in the bushes, or the next morning when his head pounded as his father shrieked at him. But no.
His minor discomfort didn’t make up for what he’d done to Elaina. Instead of taking up for her when a bully made a joke of her, he’d…laughed.
It was no wonder she despised him so. He’d ruined her first ball. Her come out. His insensitivity could quite possibly be the reason she’d fled London and never married.
He jumped from his bed and went to raise Bentley.
Of course, she hadn’t wanted him to go to Egypt. He’d tried to force himself into the life she’d made for herself after his callousness and thought himself justified to do so. He’d thought her unreasonable for not welcoming him.
But he must have caused her so much pain. He knew well enough what it felt like to be mocked. His father had done it often to make sure Julian didn’t think too highly of himself.
And Lainey surely thought Julian had laughed at Robert’s cruel jest when in fact, he would have laughed at anything. Or nothing.
Still, he’d hurt her deeply, then he’d selfishly forced her to help him. He felt the chill of shame run down his spine as he urged his valet to help him pack so they could leave at once.
He couldn’t do anything to rectify what he’d done, but he would do her the courtesy of getting out of her life as she’d wanted initially. And if part of his retreat was because he was too cowardly to face her and offer the impotent apology she deserved, so be it.
Thinking of their kiss now, sickened him. He hadn’t earned that honor.
Bentley packed his things without a word, either because he didn’t know what to say or was still partly asleep.
Dawn hinted at the horizon as they loaded his trunks.
In the silence of the carriage as they rolled out the lane, the older man finally spoke.
“What has happened?”
“I’m too embarrassed to speak of it,” Julian said, unable to look the man in the eye.
“Did you dishonor the lady? Because servant or no, I will turn this carriage around this instant if you need to offer marriage as reparations. Those mines are not worth a lady’s—”
Julian patted the man’s shoulder to soothe his anger and smiled at his closest friend.
“I assure you it was not that dire. But I can’t… I can’t face her. I surely won’t force the woman to travel with me all the way back to London. The fact she has spent this much time with me and remained civil is beyond what I deserve.”
Bentley eyed him curiously and Julian found himself explaining.
“It was years ago. I only just remembered tonight. I laughed at her, Ben. On the night that should have been the happiest of her life, Robert called her Miss Stork and I laughed.”
“Lord Dunnage,” Bentley muttered while shaking his head. “A bigger waste of breath I’ve never known.”
“I can only think he is somewhere paying for his sins as we speak.”
The blighter had been shot by an angry father after he had forced himself on the man’s daughter. The House of Lords didn’t punish the man who shot him, feeling justice had been served, and the world made a better place for the lack of such a blackguard.
“Why your father thought him a good friend for you, I’ll never know.”
They fell into silence as the sun came up. Julian thought perhaps Ben had fallen asleep, but after some time, he spoke again.
“You have always had a kind soul. I’m certain it came from your mother, because your father… well. He didn’t understand you and thought to break you. But your kindness was too strong for him. You know you will not rest easy until you have made this—whatever you’ve done—right.”
Julian only nodded. There was no need to use words when they both knew the truth.
He needed to make amends. He wouldn’t bother her again until he had a plan to fix this.