Chapter Nineteen
The moment Lainey woke she recalled the kiss and smiled at the sun coming through the windows. It seemed like a dream, but she knew her dreams wouldn’t have been so gloriously detailed.
It was a new day. And she was no longer a woman who had never been kissed.
She knew of girls who had been kissed and described it as if it was the greatest thing ever. She had thought it to be an exaggeration, but now she knew the truth. It was even better than they’d described.
Lainey wondered if the longer a woman waited, the better the first kiss would be. If that were so, she was glad she waited all this time for Julian’s kiss. It had certainly been worth the wait.
Julian.
So strange the way she had gone from hating him, to tolerating him, to… whatever it was she felt now. Longing? Attraction? Respect?
It was impossible to compare the man she knew now—the man who had kissed her and protected her virtue despite his obvious urges—to the arse she’d first met at the Marksley ball. The man who had laughed at his friend’s insult so heartlessly.
She had to consider the role one’s friends played in how one behaved. After all, it had been the few friends she’d made on the edges of the dance floor that encouraged her to smile in Julian’s direction in the first place. While he hadn’t noticed, the barbaric Lord Dunnage had mistaken her interest in him and come to ask her to dance.
When the dance was over and he’d offered to introduce her to his friends, she was grateful for the chance to be closer to the tall lord leaning against the wall.
But then Lord Dunnage had made a mockery of her, calling her Miss Stork.
And Julian, the man with the sweet smile who had captured her fancy, had laughed.
She remembered the way her face had burned in mortification. How Lord Heath had joined in by flapping his arms about like a large bird.
She’d been so stunned it had taken much too long for her to retreat. And in that moment her gaze had met Julian’s beautiful blue eyes. And she’d felt his betrayal like a brand to her heart.
But that was a long time ago. He hadn’t truly betrayed her since he hadn’t known her. She’d created a personality for him in her mind and he had not lived up to her expectations.
Except it seemed now, he had exceeded them.
She called for Nettie and tried not to seem in a rush to dress and go downstairs for breakfast. Today they would start their journey back to London. She’d have hours alone with him as they traveled.
She couldn’t wait.
Strange that she had been lamenting this trip and now wished it wouldn’t end. She didn’t want to leave the bubble they had created here and go back to London. Back to reality.
She entered the breakfast room to find it empty.
When one of the footmen moved to serve her, she shook her head.
“I’ll wait for Lord Melville.”
She should have expected trouble when she saw the footmen pass glances to one another. When the footman by the door stepped out of the room, she knew something was amiss.
The butler stepped into the room and offered a sympathetic frown.
“Lord Melville departed at dawn, my lady.”
“He left?” He’d left? He’d kissed her so passionately she’d wanted him to do more, and then this morning he’d… left? That couldn’t have been coincidence.
She cleared her throat and offered a shrug of nonchalance.
“Did he leave a message?”
“No, my lady.”
She forced a smile to her lips—the very lips the earl had kissed the night before—and nodded toward the footmen.
“Then I suppose I don’t need to wait for him.”
They filled her plate with food, and she thought she might be sick.
After breakfast, with her trunks loaded, she left Dalkeith Castle with Nettie as a companion. It may have been considered scandalous to travel alone with the earl, but it would be dangerous to make the journey home on her own.
The young woman kept to her knitting or embroidery and Lainey envied her ability to concentrate on such tasks while the carriage swayed, without getting sick. Lainey spent the first day looking out the window and trying her best not to panic on the occasions they traveled over a bridge.
It was impossible to not think of Julian and wonder why he had left without so much as a note to explain why.
She’d told him she’d already sent her decision to Uncle Henry. Had Julian decided it was no longer worth it to attempt to change her mind now that the die was cast?
She didn’t think so. She’d felt the way his body had responded to hers the night before. She didn’t know much of men’s bodies, but she didn’t think they could fake such things.
No, his kindness had been real. His passion had been real as well. She would know.
At least she thought so.
She’d never been kissed before but something had sizzled between them.
If nothing else she felt awakened by his kiss. Much like the tale her mother used to tell her of Sleeping Beauty. Only one man had been able to unlock her from her frozen state.
Lainey had been frozen in anger for years and Julian was the only one who could release her.
She’d forgiven him, and her forgiveness had been sealed with a kiss. But then he’d left without a word.
She didn’t know what to think of it.
By the seventh day of riding in silence with Nettie, Lainey was nearly ready to try reading again to pass the time. Fortunately, they arrived home the next day.
It felt strange to be back at Darlington House. So much had happened since she’d been there last. When she’d entered her home previously, she’d been filled with anger and didn’t know how amazing a kiss could be. Everything had changed.
Aunt Rose was the first to come out of the drawing room to greet her. The woman smiled and hugged her tightly.
“I’ve missed you so much. I received your letters, but they lacked details. You must tell me everything.” She tilted her head to the side and pressed a hand to her chest. “Please tell me you and the earl got along.”
“Yes, Auntie. We did.”
“I was worried when Mrs. Leighton wrote to tell us they needed to stay to help their son and daughter-in-law with the new baby. I’m so glad the new mother is improved, but I was concerned that the two of you were alone all that time.”
Lainey hid her surprise, but asked, “Why?”
“It was no secret you didn’t care for the earl before you left. I worried you would have hidden in your room and not spoken to him.”
“Of course not.” At least not the whole time. “The earl and I became good friends.” Friends whose tongues had been in each other’s mouths, she thought to herself. A sense of longing came over her. She wondered when or if she might have the opportunity to do it again.
“Splendid!” her aunt said shaking her from her thoughts.
Yes. It had been splendid, indeed.
*
Julian received anote from Lainey a few days after he arrived home from Scotland. He’d used his hasty escape to stop and visit Hale and his family. But now he was back in London and so was Lainey.
Lord Melville,
I’m sorry you were pulled away to London so abruptly. I wanted to let you know I arrived home yesterday evening. Your box of tools was left behind. If you have a need for them, please come by at your convenience.
All the best,
E. L. Bantham
If his guilt for running away literally in the middle of the night, wasn’t bad enough, now he felt worse for not asking after her to make sure she’d arrived home safely. Had she traveled alone? He’d abandoned her without a word, and yet she was inviting him to come by to pick up his tools.
They both knew he had no need of tools anymore. He wouldn’t be going to Egypt.
Ben hadn’t said much since they arrived home. While Julian’s father had been very vocal in his displeasure with his only son, Ben’s silence weighed on him. It seemed disapproval dug deeper when expressed without words. Or possibly it mattered more because Ben mattered more to him than his father ever had.
“I know you’re angry with me,” Julian said as Ben helped him dress the next morning.
“Who am I to be angry with an earl?” he said with a tight smile.
“You know I am not one to be coddled because of a silly title. If you have something to say, you should just say it.”
“Oh, I can assure ye, you’ll not want me to speak.”
Julian let out a breath and nodded.
“You’re right. I probably don’t want to hear what you have to say, but I’m guessing I need to because you plan to point out how ridiculous I was for leaving the way I did. And you probably think it was ungentlemanly of me not to check to make sure she arrived home safely. I can tell you, she did. She wrote to me to let me know, and to mention I’d left my tools behind. As if I would have a need for tools.” He held up his hand before continuing.
“But, of course, you would say I don’t know that for sure, and running away certainly didn’t help my cause to win her approval. But really, Ben. How could she possibly want me to spend even another minute in her sight after what I’ve done?”
Julian’s shoulders slumped.
“You probably think I should have stayed and begged for her forgiveness and I did think of that briefly, but I worried that she might think the two things related. My begging forgiveness while also wanting her to include me in the trip to Egypt. It would rather make any apology seem insincere. And isn’t acting better than words? I must find a way to make this right not just apologize with words for what I’ve done to hurt her.”
He rubbed his temple.
“I hurt her terribly. I didn’t even know it. All this time, I’d hurt someone as lovely as Miss Bantham and just went about my life thinking I was a kind person whom everyone should like. But no. I’m a monster, Ben. A selfish cad who laughs cruelly at young women and then arrogantly expects them to do what I want. Go on, say it.”
“I think you’ve covered it and then some. Is it possible you’re being a bit dramatic?”
“When have I ever been dramatic?”
“Well…” Ben paused a minute, but then seemed to decide to go down a different path. “You won’t feel better until you’ve fixed this. How do you intend to do so?”
“I haven’t a clue.”
“Apologize to the girl, Julian. Look the lass in the eye and tell her sincerely how terrible you feel and she will have no choice but to believe you. For it is quite clear to anyone who looks at you that you feel terrible, indeed.”
Ben left the room and Julian went down to his study to start his work on the books. A stack of mail awaited him as well. He flipped through the invitations to dinner parties and balls. Most of Society was in the country as they headed into late September, but the few who remained enjoyed hosting events.
He doubted Elaina would be at any of these functions. But then he paused on the one invitation he was certain she’d accept.
The Aubrey Ball. Lord and Lady Aubrey were huge donors to Lord Darlington’s expeditions. This ball would be where the official announcement of the journey to Egypt would be announced to entice attendees to contribute funds to the expedition. Julian knew the Darlington’s could well afford their own expenses, but the team needed to launch such an undertaking year after year. The ship and crew and equipment were a great expense to find treasure in the desert.
And no doubt Elaina would be there to charm the men out of every shilling without realizing it.
Yes, this would be the perfect place for him to go through with his plan.