Chapter 12
L isa put her phone down in exasperation, convinced Adam had turned his off. She recalled he did that in the past when his wife, Stephanie, called repeatedly. She didn’t know what explanation he concocted back then when he returned home. Now, she was the one with no idea when he’d be back or even where he was. The telltale signs were clear.
The ice in her glass clinked as she twisted it. “I think he’s with Stephanie. He used to turn the phone off when he was with me.”
Emily stood up and gazed out the window, staring into the night. “You talk as if you knew him in some past life.”
Lisa slammed the glass on the table with more force than she intended. “Don’t you see? That’s exactly what I’ve been saying to you. This is the same pattern only now, it’s reversed. I’m the one waiting for him at home.”
The house was quiet. With the girls asleep, Zelda had also retired, having left the kitchen spotless, ready for the morning’s onslaught of children and the busyness of preparing for school. Somewhere a clock ticked loudly, although Lisa couldn’t discern from where the sound came. There were so many rooms in this unfamiliar and strange landscape, and she still hadn’t explored the entire house. Like a visitor from another country, Lisa glanced around, trying to discover where she fit in if she did at all. With trembling hands, she reached for the glass once more, hoping the wine would calm her. Emily was a consolation, but Lisa still felt as if she were drifting aimlessly from the shore, floating farther and farther away with nothing and no one to ground her.
Her mother’s face appeared just then, looking the same way she did on the day she told Lisa her father had died. She remembered every detail as if it had happened yesterday.
Lisa was in Mrs. Tarantino’s fourth grade class. The children were returning from lunch, still giddy with excitement from the games at recess. Mrs. Tarantino’s gentle, firm voice ordered them to settle down, and as they were finding their seats, Lisa felt a shiver,looked up, and saw her mother standing in the classroom’s doorway. She looked disheveled, her hat crooked, wisps of hair strewn about her face. Her usually perfect makeup was streaked with blotches of mascara around her eyes, and her nose was red. Lisa stood stock-still at her desk. The only time she’d come to school during the day before was if Lisa felt sick, but she didn’t feel sick now.
Mrs. Tarantino walked to the door and met with her mother in the hallway for a few minutes. Lisa didn’t move from her spot, frozen in place, knowing that something was awfully wrong but not sure how to articulate it. She gathered her books for homework. She knew she was leaving, and she didn’t know when she’d come back. As she was putting her pencils in the little pink polka dotted bag, she felt Mrs. Tarantino’s soft hand on her back. “Lisa, honey, here’s your coat. You need to go home with your mom now. Don’t worry about the homework for tomorrow. We’ll talk about that when you return.” Lisa felt she was moving through wet sand as Mrs. Tarantino helped her with her coat. The class was silent, as if everyone could tell something terrible was happening. In her stupor, she forgot her books, leaving them neatly stacked on the desk. Her reading buddy, Georgia, ran to her in the hallway with the book bag while Lisa stood silently watching her mother, waiting for a decision where they should head. In slow motion, Lisa grabbed the bag from Georgia, who gave her a hug, and ran back into the classroom.
It seemed Georgia’s appearance broke Lisa’s mother from her stupor. She took Lisa’s hand without saying a word, and they marched out of the school to drive home in silence. Lisa didn’t know when she should speak, so she stared out the window. Whatever this was, she knew instinctively it involved her father. Once home, she found out he was killed in an automobile accident the night before while he was on a business trip.
“Dead on impact,” her mother had said. Lisa didn’t know what that meant, really. Was it good? Was it bad?
Holding her tightly to her chest, Lisa’s mom repeatedly whispered, “We’re going to be all right, don’t worry. We’re going to be all right.” Lisa never knew who was supposed to be comforted by those words—her mother or her.
With her father gone, grief became a steady household member. For a long time, Lisa and her mother played their respective roles of daughter and mother, but the cloud of sorrow permeated even the drapes. As time passed, routines returned. There was school, homework, activities. Lisa’s mother tried to be cheerful and make sure that things were as normal as they could be, but changes were inevitable. Her father had been a force to contend with, and now it was just the two of them.
When they moved to a smaller house, most of their grief stayed behind. The new place was theirs only, and they became inseparable. Lisa trusted in her mother completely and consulted her for everything. Among her friends, this was corny, but they only had each other. Her mother never dated, never even mentioned remarrying. She now devoted her life to Lisa.
When Lisa introduced her to Marcus, it was like her mother had just found a son. She liked him instantly and encouraged them to marry. Her mother’s screams of delight welcomed the announcement of a baby. She started buying baby clothes the day she found out she’d be a grandmother. Lisa remembered thinking that, finally, life was perfect again. And it was for a little while.
When she and Marcus returned from their honeymoon, the first place they stopped was her mother’s house. That’s when the neighbor next door, Mr. Elder, met them at the door with the news that her mother had died the day before.
Choking back tears, Mr. Elder held her small hands in both of his giant ones, calloused from construction work. “I found her on the kitchen floor, Lisa, already gone. I tried to revive her, but I couldn’t. I’m so sorry, honey.”
Emily’s voice brought Lisa back from her reverie. “Tomorrow’s Wednesday. It’s Zelda’s day off. Your mom comes on Wednesday to help with the girls. Do you remember that?”
Lisa froze. Her mother was alive? How could that be? “What do you mean, my mother comes here on Wednesdays?”
Emily smiled warmly. “She’ll be here tomorrow, Lisa. Your girls love her, and she loves them just as much. Why do you look so surprised?”
Tears streamed down Lisa’s face. The more she tried to wipe them off, the more they came. “My mother’s been dead for years, Emily. You were at her funeral. You helped me through those dark days. And now you’re saying she’s alive? She’s in my life?”
Emily opened and closed her mouth several times before she could speak. “Lisa, I don’t know what you’ve been through, but all I can say is that your mother will be here tomorrow, in the flesh, bringing chocolates for the girls, the forbidden food, totally ignoring your rules. It’s an ongoing joke with the two of you.”
Lisa crooked her head to the side, silent for a moment. “This is all too much. I can’t handle much more.” With that, she stood and headed for the stairs. “I’m going to bed. I’ll figure it out in the morning.” She left Emily sitting on the couch, desperate for time alone to think.
***
Upstairs in her vast, yet empty, bedroom, Lisa lay down on the soft sheets, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. It was late. Adam should have been home if he’d really been out to dinner with a client. She reached for the phone to call him once more but decided against it. What was the use? He wouldn’t answer; he was busy. She knew where he was. She had meddled with time, and this seemed to be the price. She was now the woman waiting at home. All afternoon she had wondered what she was doing here. The daughters and the house and even the housekeeper were a product of her creation by playing with the rivers of past and future.
But her mother being alive was a cruelty beyond comprehension. Her mother had cared for her, nurtured her, loved her. Her mother was the one person she loved most until she had her baby, Seth. When he died, it was her mother she missed the most because that’s when she needed her comforting words, her understanding, her soothing touch. Without her mother, she had been rudderless in the storm of silence that appeared in her house with Marcus. Until now, she hadn’t realized how empty life had been for her without someone who loved her unconditionally.
***
Noises from downstairs woke Lisa up from a restless sleep. It was still dark outside, but she could hear someone struggling at the front door. Dazed in unknown surroundings and only half awake, she ran to the hallway outside her bedroom, leaned over the railing, and saw Adam creeping into the house. He stumbled around heading for the basement door. Should she follow him?
The wood steps on the staircase to the first floor felt cold on her bare feet. She tiptoed, not wanting to disturb the sleeping house or to alert Adam that she was up. She hadn’t been to the basement yet. The laundry room was just off the kitchen, and the children’s playroom was also on the first floor, so there’d been no reason for her to venture into Adam’s private domain.
The door was closed. She touched the brass doorknob, hesitated, and pulled her hand away. The imprint of her sweaty palm left a mark. She wiped her right hand on her nightgown, and touched her stomach with her left to calm the knot that twisted her insides. With eyes closed, she took deep breaths but paused when she heard an archaic “tick tock” sound coming from the living room. No one had clocks anymore. Why was there one here? She shook her head to refocus, reached out again, and turned the knob with icy fingers, careful not to make a sound.
She poked her head in the crack of the doorway and saw a wood floor landing at the top of the stairs. The ceiling lamp above the landing was dark, but the lights from the room below illuminated the stairs. Voices from the television mixed with drawers banging open and closed. She heard what sounded like ice against glass, pouring liquid, and then feet shuffling. She was at the bottom of the stairs, still in the shadows when she saw Adam plop himself onto a large sectional black leather sofa. He was on the end that reclined and she watched him put his feet up, tumbler with a gold liquid in hand. He swirled the drink so the ice cubes rattled then brought the glass to his lips. She watched him down the drink all at once like a man dying of thirst, eyes closed, head back, then exhale a loud “Aaah…that’s better,” as he pounded the glass down onto a side table. The noise startled a gasp from Lisa, and Adam abruptly turned his head to the stairs.
“What the fuck are you doing down here?” He yelled. Lisa had never heard him raise his voice before. She was mute at the fury she heard. He repeated the question, rising from the chair in one smooth arc, his athletic body poised like a spring. “I asked you a question, didn’t I? What are you fucking doing here?”
She was frozen in place. She opened her mouth, but unbidden tears choked her. Her hand gripped the banister like a vice, keeping her from moving forward or retreating. Adam was in her face in three long steps. His face was inches from hers, his lips twisted into a sneer. She could feel his hot breath. He smelled of whisky, cigarettes, and sweat.
“What’s the matter with you? Are you deaf or stupid or both?” He yelled with such force that spit landed on her cheek. Instinctively, she bent her head, covering her face with a free hand. She knew she should leave, but the muscles of her legs didn’t interpret the command to move. It was as if her brain were short circuiting with each word Adam brandished.
For a few seconds, Lisa cowered in fear. She had altered time to be with this man, the love of her life, and here he was, hurling curses at her face. This was not the plan. And this was not the man she had loved back then, before, later, or wherever this time travel led her.
She released her grip on the banister and stood still for a few seconds, incredulous as she stared at him, trying to figure out what had happened.
“You really are a dumb slut, aren’t you? Didn’t you hear me tell you to get out?”
She turned and ran back up the stairs as fast as she could. She stumbled near the top, missed a step, and smashed her shin against the wood. She regained her footing and continued running until she was inside her bedroom. She slammed the door shut and leaned against it, breathing heavily. She stood there, trying to catch her breath when she heard heavy footsteps. She tried to press the lock button on the doorknob, hopelessly fumbling, when she heard Adam’s gruff words from the other side, “Don’t bother locking the door. I have no interest in you and your constant complaints. Stay in there and don’t come downstairs again, do you understand me? Never.” Mute at this additional onslaught to her senses, she stared at the door and listened as Adam retreated to his den. When she heard the slam of the basement door, she breathed in relief and stumbled onto her bed. She buried herself under the covers and cried herself to sleep. What had she done to deserve all this?
***
The bed seemed to be rocking as if she were on a ship. Lisa opened her eyes to see Natalie and Suzette jumping up and down, nearly crushing her. “Grandma’s here! Grandma’s here! Mommy, wake up. Grandma says we can’t have breakfast without you.” Lisa blinked repeatedly.
She had barely slept after her horrible encounter with Adam. For a moment, the voices of the girls made her smile. They were so sweet. Then the memory of Adam’s tirade assaulted her and lay there like a boulder on her stomach. It wasn’t all a dream then. She was here in this new world, with these daughters, and a husband who was a stranger to her. And now her mother was downstairs, just a few feet away.
Her mother. In each moment of sadness or loneliness, she had wished she could seek her mother’s counsel. When Seth, her baby, had died, she remembered talking to her mother at her graveside, looking for comfort and words of advice from the air, knowing that her mother couldn’t help her anymore. When she had met Adam and thought she had found warmth and sunshine again, she had wished she could confide in her mother. She knew her mother wouldn’t have judged her, or maybe she would have guided her better than she was guiding herself.
She had missed her every single day for the past twenty years.
Lisa was equal parts afraid and excited, not knowing what to expect. What if her mother was not her mother? This world she had created through her traveling was nothing that she’d ever imagined. Adam was certainly different now. So maybe her mother was a new woman, someone she didn’t know? But the girls’ giggling, their sweet, unabashed joy, provoked Lisa’s heart to fill with warmth, as if there had been a hole in it that she didn’t know existed before, and now it overflowed. Impetuously, she grabbed the girls and hugged them tightly. They smelled of soap and new teddy bears.
***
With one girl on each side of her, holding hands, they went downstairs. When they reached the first floor, the children darted off, leaving Lisa alone to walk the last few steps to the kitchen. She could hear two women talking to the girls, so she stopped just short of the threshold to listen. She recognized Emily’s voice above the din of chairs scraping the floor. “Who’s ready for delicious pancakes made by Auntie Emily?”
Natalie, or maybe Suzette, yelled out, “You’re so silly, Auntie Em! You didn’t make those! Grandma made pancakes for our day off from school!” Both girls chanted, “Grandma! Grandma!”
That’s when Lisa heard her voice. “Everybody settle down or else we can’t enjoy these delicious, amazing, super-duper Mickey Mouse chocolate chip pancakes, and I’ll have to give them to the dog!”
“Noooooo!” came the chorus of voices. “The dog can’t eat chocolate!”
She heard Emily say, “Gladys, please, give me the platter, and I’ll start serving the girls.”
“Thank you, dear. You’re such a help. Now, where’s Lisa?”
Frozen in place like a statue, Lisa stayed in the hallway listening to her mother in the kitchen. The timbre of her voice, the throaty laugh quick to join the fun, it was all the same. She didn’t realize how much she missed that voice until she heard it again. Goosebumps covered her as she stood there, wondering how she could find the strength to walk in and face her. She was so scared that the woman in the kitchen was an imposter. Lisa knew she wasn’t real, that this woman, this mother, was only created from traveling back and forth, yet to be in her presence again, to have her near, to touch her and feel her warmth was almost more than she could bear.
Lisa closed her eyes, mustering courage to move her feet. She was startled by the voice. “There you are! Oh, sweetheart, Emily told me only this morning you were in the hospital. I go away for three days, and I’m left clueless that you were not well.” She took Lisa into her arms and hugged her. Lisa grasped her around the waist and buried her face into her mother’s neck. She had no words. This woman smelled like lavender and jasmine, her skin was soft, and in her arms, Lisa was safe once again. She hadn’t felt this secure since before her mother had died. Her mind swirled uncontrollably as she stood there, holding on to her mother like a child who’s been lost and has just found home. All the years of wandering in loneliness and despair, the heartbreaks, the disappointments bubbled up and spilled out of her eyes. Her cries were guttural, from deep within, held back until the dam broke apart. Wracking sobs poured out. Her shoulders heaved up and down as she cried more inconsolably than the day her mother died. Back then she was mute and frozen in shock. She was appropriate and polite. She thought being a grown-up meant shoving all her feelings inside, shaking hands, smiling, and soothing others as they gave her their condolences.
But here, in her mother’s arms again, the carefully built walls tumbled down. She was brokenhearted and joyous at the same time, incredulous that this could be real, yet knowing in her bones that it was only temporary. Her mother just held her, saying nothing, stroking her hair, rubbing her back and holding her tight.
When Lisa’s sobs subsided, her mother whispered to her, “I’m very angry no one told me you were in the hospital. Not you, not Adam, not even Emily.” She turned her head and gave Emily her most disapproving stare. “If I’d known, I would have been there for you.”
Lisa sniffled, not wanting to talk but yearning to keep listening to her mother’s voice. “It was just a short visit. I didn’t want to worry you.” The lie sounded convincing enough.
“Well, don’t you ever do that again, young lady. Imagine my shock when I arrived here today and found out you had been hospitalized with no mother to check on you as if you were some kind of abandoned orphan.”
Lisa hugged her mother tighter. “I won’t do it again. Promise.”
“Are you OK?”
“Yes, Mom, I’m OK now.”
Her mother kissed her head. “Now, let’s get to breakfast. You can explain to me what happened later.”
Lisa followed her mother into the kitchen. Her hair was sprinkled with gray, and her face had aged with soft wrinkles, but her blue eyes were sparkling as always. She was as slim and immaculately dressed with pearl earrings to match her necklace. Lisa remembered that her mother prized those pearls that Lisa’s father had given her. She marveled that she still wore them. She wore a pale blue dress beneath a blue and white gingham apron with yellow flowers scattered throughout. Bumblebees spread their wings and spelled “Grandma” in a semicircle in the center.
Lisa sat down next her. That’s when she noticed her mother’s left hand. There was a wedding ring on it. She couldn’t remember if she had still worn a ring after her father died. “Mom, that’s such a pretty ring.”
Her mother smiled. “Thank you honey, but I’ve been wearing that ring since Jeff and I got married. Now’s when you notice it?”
Lisa cleared her throat. “Jeff?”
Emily chimed in, leaning in conspiratorially towards Lisa and her mother, “Gladys, remember the bump on her head. She keeps forgetting things.”
Gladys raised her eyebrows, “So this little hospital stint wasn’t as simple as you’d want me to believe, huh?”
Natalie walked over to Gladys to get more pancakes and smirked at Lisa. “Mommy, you’re acting crazy. Grandpa’s name is Jeff. Remember? We did a family tree for school?”
“Lisa, darling, Jeff is my husband. Has been for the last twenty years. You mean you don’t remember him?”
As Lisa was about to answer, Adam waltzed into the kitchen, followed by a taller, older, gray-haired man. He was handsome, with a huge smile above a neat gray goatee. Adam yelled out, “Look who I found wandering in the driveway?”
Both girls jumped out of their seats at the same time, “Grandpa!”
Lisa turned to her mother and saw her face light up. “Jeff, you’re early. I thought you were going to be gone all morning, love.”
With one girl hanging on each leg, Jeff walked over to Gladys and kissed her softly on the lips. “I was very lucky. The service department at the car dealer was quick today.” He turned to Lisa and put his hand on her shoulder. “Your husband told me that you’ve given us a bit of a scare, young lady. Why didn’t you call us, hmmm?”
Before Lisa could respond, Gladys chimed, “Don’t bother. I’ve already pulled her ears on this one.” She stood up, still talking, “Jeff, honey, sit down. Have some pancakes.”
Almost as an afterthought, Lisa heard her add over her shoulder, “There’s some for you too, Adam.”
“Thanks, mother-in-law dearest.”
Lisa stared at Adam while the awful words of the night before flooded back. Hot tears of anger and disappointment spilled, and she brushed them aside not wanting anyone to see her crying again. She contorted her face into a smile. “What?” he asked harshly. “What are you looking at?”
“Just wondering what time you got in last night,” she replied.
“Bad memory, huh? You know the answer perfectly well. Why don’t you tell me?”
Gladys returned to the table with a plate in each hand. “Why don’t you two take that conversation elsewhere?” Jeff reached for syrup and busied himself with the food. Lisa thought he looked embarrassed. Emily and the girls got silent, almost holding their breath.
Adam rose from the table and grabbed his plate. “It’s too crowded in here. I’ll be in the den.”
Lisa followed him with her eyes. As she was about to get up, her mother put her hand on Lisa’s shoulder and nudged her back into her seat. “You stay there and eat. You need your strength. He can wait.”
Gladys insisted that Lisa sit at the table and do nothing while she and Jeff cleaned up in the kitchen.
While Lisa wondered what her next step was, Emily leaned into her, bumped shoulders to catch Lisa’s attention. The she turned with a big grin. “I have a grand idea!”
The girls squealed in unison, “Auntie Emily’s ideas are the best!”
Emily continued, “Why don’t the three of us have an Auntie/Nieces Day today? We can get dressed, go to the park, and then play ‘yes’ day! What do you think?” The kids sprang into action, running off to their rooms, racing to see who’d get there first.
Emily put her arm over Lisa’s shoulder and whispered in her ear, “You don’t seem yourself. I’ll keep them out of your hair, so you can spend some time with your mom. Is that OK?”
Lisa nodded, unable to fashion words of gratitude. As usual, Emily knew what to do without being asked.
Dishes done and the kitchen spotless, Jeff twirled the kitchen towel with a flourish and bowed. “M’ladies, your faithful servant has completed his duties. I’m off to run the errands my wife so generously added to today’s list.” He made a big show of kissing Gladys on her hand, then conspiratorially winked at Lisa as he exited the kitchen.
Finally alone with her mother, Lisa basked in her warmth. It was like watching a home movie, except this one was flesh and blood. While she was going through the ups and downs of her marriage with Marcus, she often wondered what it would be like to have a mother to confide in, to love her unconditionally. She had missed this more than anything else. And now, unbelievably, she had it.
Gladys brought them each a cup of herbal tea and sat in a chair next to Lisa.
“Mom.”
“Yes, dear?”
“What do you think of Adam?”
Gladys stared at her cup before she spoke. “I think that’s a question that only you should answer, honey. It’s not my place to give you my opinion about your husband.”
“Not if I’m asking you for it. I need to know what you think.”
Gladys turned to Lisa. “This isn’t the place to talk about this. Finish your tea, and we’ll go for a nice walk.”
***