13. Zoey
Zoey
I ’d migrated back to Puffin Bay for Christmas most years, turning down the half-hearted invite from my mother and sister to spend it with them, which usually involved a photoshoot with some glossy magazine, pretending that we made a big deal out of my birthday. The declining of that invitation meant my mother would refuse to speak to me for the next couple of months, or until she was in need of a favour or an invite to a party where the billionaire she next had her sights set on was attending.
Puffin Bay didn’t see me as anything other than as Caleb’s friend who happened to sing a few songs and people wrote about in the media occasionally. I wasn’t the only famous person that the town residents knew – there was a connection to an England footballer, another singer, Leif Rossi who Amelie knew as he was married to a friend of hers, Simone Wood, the chef, and Callum Callaghan, another friend of Amelie’s who was a veterinarian and a media celebrity after the documentaries he’d made about conservation. The town still seemed to remember me as a seventeen-year-old, a bit like Caleb was still sixteen in their eyes, the age he’d been when he moved there with his dad, and I liked it like that.
At Christmas, I’d been expected to pitch in like everyone else, helping out with the prep for Christmas dinner that Amelie served at the inn for anyone in the town who wanted to dine there for free, then collecting glasses on Christmas Eve, and the clear up after Christmas dinner. It didn’t matter if I’d recently had a platinum selling album or I’d appeared on Saturday Night Live a few weeks previously, I wasn’t too good to get the mop out and clear up.
It was the most normal I’d ever felt and part of the reason why glamorous parties and perfectly decorated galas didn’t appeal to me. The other part was Caleb.
This year was different. This year I didn’t have to be somewhere for New Year or need to pack up my bags to head somewhere else, or back to my house, because this was home, so Mavis’ little old house was decorated to the hilt. We had a tree, outside lights, and Mavis’ old Nativity scene in the window. She’d loved Christmas and her house, as I remembered, had been one of the most decorated in the town. This year it would be just like that once more.
Christmas Eve was spent at the Puffin Inn, Caleb serving behind the bar while I drank mulled wine and Bucks Fizz with Fleur until she and Thane took the children home. Caleb and I strolled home, hand in hand, the evening freezing but with no sign of snow. A white Christmas was virtually unheard of, the island surrounded by milder waters meaning that the air warmed up before it hit the land. Nevertheless, it was one of the colder winters I’d experienced which had Caleb giving a mini-lecture on global warming – I listened to about twenty percent of it.
We fell asleep in the small double bed, wrapped around each other, the first Christmas Eve when this had happened. I loved a Puffin Bay Christmas morning, usually spent at the Inn, but this would be the first time I woke up curled around Caleb, and it would happen again next year and the year after.
It was the first Christmas Day I was woken with a warm mouth between my legs. My body was already taut, and I wondered just how we’d been sleeping for this to be happening so early, outside still dark.
"Happy Christmas.” I lifted the duvet and peered under it, his eyes gleaming up at me, tongue still busy. The nightdress I’d worn in London was bunched around my waist – I hadn’t bothered with underwear when we’d gone to bed, which was definitely a good idea from evening Zoey.
He didn’t respond which was a good idea, his mouth far too busy doing other things, like flicking my clit with his tongue, the pressure ebbing and flowing but the rhythm keeping going until I exploded, my fingers pressing into his thick hair, body jerking, my orgasm deliciously decadent.
“Happy Christmas and happy Zoey day.” Caleb slid up my body, my legs wrapping around his, his kiss tasting of me which always seemed dirtily erotic.
He was naked, which was how he usually slept, and his cock was hard, pressing against my pussy, seeking entrance. I angled my hips, desperate now to feel him inside me, to be filled and have that delectable friction and another orgasm.
He pushed inside me, slowly, lazily, pausing when he was fully there, my groan matching his, my hips urging him on.
His forehead rested against mine, contact all along our bodies and he started to move, slow, deep thrusts taking me to the edge and back again.
“I want to be able to do this with you forever.” His words were throaty, sleep still hovering there. “I want to wake you up like this every Christmas Day.”
“I’m good with that. I’ll let you.” I arched my back, pushing my breasts against his chest.
He was good at taking a hint, bracing himself on one arm, his other hand cupping my breast and toying with my nipple with his fingers. My body tightened, his cock feeling like it was growing wider inside me. It wasn’t going to take much more to push me over the edge and I wanted to take him with me.
“Are you close?”
He nodded, his pace quickening which was enough to make me come, this orgasm harder than the last, my muscles clamping down around him, Caleb’s movements becoming quicker and harder as he chased his own orgasm, coming deep inside me which made my body quiver again.
“Happy Christmas,” he said as we both slowed down, heart rates racing, breath still forceful.
“Happy Christmas. This is already the best one ever.”
The day went much as planned. We opened presents together in front of the open fire in Mavis’ tiny living room, skipping breakfast at Puffin Inn this year so we could be on our own together. Presents were fun and small, nothing ostentatious. Books, perfume and cologne, a new nightdress for me and sweaters for Caleb. Thoughtful tokens that I loved and would spend time appreciating. I’d had a boyfriend once who’d bought me a car. When the relationship ended, I’d ended up donating it to a charity that supported women who were victims of domestic violence. I’d grown tired of being a commodity, which Caleb knew, and unlike other lovers, he didn’t see the need to try to buy me.
“Happy Christmas!” Amelie met us at the entrance to the inn, the tips of her hair dyed red and green for the season. Roman wrapped me in a big hug before grappling with his son.
“We need you to lay the fires before you open gifts,” he said. “I thought you’d appreciate being thought of when we were working out who was doing what this morning.”
“Yeah, thanks for that, Dad.” Caleb shook his head. “Wouldn’t want to miss out on Christmas morning.” He gave his trademark grin and headed off to do just that, the smell of coffee brewing filtrating the air in a most pleasant way.
There was a Christmas tree in the function room, which was also the room where the kids usually congregated and had also been turned into Santa’s Grotto. The largest fire was in there too, and it only took Caleb five minutes to lay it and set it, the flames quickly roaring up the chimney.
I looked outside towards the sea, the tide on its way in. Tomorrow there would be the traditional dip, when wild swimmers took to the water for their Boxing Day tradition. Today there would be dog walkers and kids going for a stroll before or after their Christmas dinner, whatever was their tradition or their need for escape.
“Does this Christmas feel any different?” Amelie asked, having quietly stood next to me. “Not just being friends anymore?”
“It does. But it’s still the same in lots of ways too. Like Caleb setting the fires – he’s done that every year.” I could hear him and his dad bantering as they did the two other open fires, and the log burner, getting the pub warmed up for the townsfolk who’d be there in another couple of hours. “How many came for breakfast?”
“About thirty. Bacon or egg butties and a glass of fizz. We served them on the beach and used the barbecue. I thought you might turn up.” Her eyes danced. “Better things to do?”
I couldn’t help but grin, the smile forcing its way onto my face. “Yes and I’m not saying any more.”
“I don’t think I want to hear any more. All I’m going to say is – finally, sugar. I’ve been waiting a long time for you to wake up.”
“Really?”
Her smile was devilish. “Really. He was smitten with you from that first summer when he and Roman moved here and even though he denied when I asked, no girlfriend he had ever lived up to you. Don’t let that scare you – he doesn’t have you on a pedestal.”
“I know. He knows my darkest secrets and the habits I wouldn’t want anyone else to know.”
“And he loves you for them. He’s a good man – like his dad.” She tipped her head to one side as Roman came back into the room, a streak of coal dust on his face.
“Were you actually paying me a compliment then?” He frowned; his arms folded. “If so, can you say it again so I can record it?”
“No compliment. You must’ve misheard.” But she went over to him anyway, her arms stretching up and going around his shoulders, pulling herself up for a kiss. “Although it is Christmas, so if you don’t balls up the stuffing I might compliment you later.”
“You compliment me every night.” It was a loud whisper, which meant that Caleb heard it clearly.
Caleb shook his head. “And let’s stop there. I know I’m thirty, but I still don’t need to actually know what you do in private. Ever. Please.”
I watched Amelie and Roman grin at each other, then study Caleb’s discomfort.
“No. No details.” He shook his head rapidly. “You’ll put me off dinner and I’m a growing boy. You wouldn’t want me to starve.”
Roman laughed loudly and let go of Amelie. “One day you’ll know just how funny it is to watch your kid be terrified of being embarrassed in front of their girlfriend. Makes up for all the times they were a little shit.”
“I was never a little shit.” Caleb sat down on the floor in front of the tree. “Is this for me?” He picked up the largest gift under there.
I knew from experience that for the next hour he’d turn into that kid again.
“No, that’s for Zoey. Hold on and let’s get champagne.” Amelie started to organise us, and for the next hour or so we opened presents by the fire, listened to the rain start to hit against the window and I felt like I’d finally found a place where I belonged.
Christmas Day was hectic, the day speeding by in a feast of food and people and laughter, sunset seeping in early, leaving us in that blanket of cosiness with roaring fires and full bellies after everyone had gone home, other than the Holland brothers and their families, along with Fleur, Thane, Clover, Grayson and their kids, who were happy to amuse themselves, all old enough to not swallow any small objects or fall down the toilet.
We headed home just before ten, the rain having stopped and the temperature dropping. Tomorrow, Boxing Day, would see Caleb on duty with the lifeboat crew, keeping an eye on the swimmers in the morning and then for anyone who decided to create their own tradition which ended up going horribly wrong. Such an event had happened years ago, almost costing Thane his life when he’d gone in to rescue them.
I kept myself awake long after Caleb had fallen asleep, savouring being in his arms for one of the last times before he headed off on his adventure, dreading him not being here, knowing that I’d be fine and so would he. There was a long list of things for me to do while he was away: help keep Thane and Fleur’s kids alive, which was easier said than done given the twins’ penchant for being feral; write more songs; put an offer in on the house and persuade the owner to sell it straight to us and quickly, and then look at furniture for it because I’d ended up selling a lot of the big stuff from my last place along with the house. I loved being in Mavis’, but there were other people who’d need it, and now Peter Cash wasn’t around, I felt okay with not being as close to the centre of everything.
“I can hear you thinking again.” Caleb’s voice was drowsy. “Your brain whirring woke me up.”
I turned around to face him. “Sorry. I’m making the most of you being here.”
His face was illuminated by the shard of moonlight that slipped through the curtains. “I know how that feels.”
Realisation caught up with me. “Yeah. I get that now.”
“I’ll be back early February. And we can talk online every day. It’s not like I’m going to be cut off from everything.” His hand brushed my waist, resting there.
My leg hitched over his hip, pulling me closer to him, the silky nightdress riding up again. The slow burn that had caught fire between my legs started to race.
“We won’t be able to do this though.” I pressed my palm against his hardening length, hearing his breath catch. “Better make the most of it.”
His chuckle was throaty and deep, still half full of sleep. “Will this ever stop feeling like a dream?”
“Not if we’re lucky.” My nipples hardened as he cupped between my legs, one of his fingers trailing through the dampness that was already accumulating there. “I wish you weren’t going away.”
“I wish I wasn’t either, but it’ll be all the sweeter when I come home.”
I felt a thrill, knowing that by home he meant the same place as me. “I’ll pick you up from the airport.”
He started to finger me, gently, almost teasing, brushing my clit with his thumb. “I’d rather you were waiting here for me. Or at the new house.” He gave a low moan. “God, I’m going to miss fucking you.”
My hand gripped his length, applying a slight bit of movement. “You get to do it all you want when you come home.”
“Fuck, Zo. I need to get inside you.” He moved his hand and I rolled onto my back, pulling him over me.
Caleb didn’t need any encouragement, his mouth finding my breasts, taking one nipple in his mouth and devouring it. I gasped at the sensation, stronger than usual, my back arching and my hips shifting to encourage him to hurry.
He didn’t leave me hanging, guiding his cock inside me and lifting my legs so they were over his shoulders, making me send a quick thank you to the dance lessons that had made me so flexible.
The angle let him go deeper, his cock grazing over the spot that was making me see stars, and then I came, hard and loud, thankful that there was no one close by to overhear.
Caleb followed, collapsing onto his back and pulling me onto him. “Let’s do this as much as possible before I leave.”
“Agreed. We could try and set a record.”
He laughed. “So you can write a song about it?”
“That’s not a bad idea.” We carried on talking about nonsense until we both drifted off to sleep.
Fleur stood at the doorway to her kitchen with her arms folded, regarding me in the same way she’d looked at Flora this afternoon after she’d dyed her sister’s hair red. Luckily it was a temporary colour, and luckily for me, Thane had meant to have been supervising his daughters, only they’d fended him away from the bathroom by saying it was period stuff – which it wasn’t.
“Thank you for looking after my offspring this week. I’m surprised you don’t have grey hair now.” She was still frowning. “You look exhausted.”
I finished my cup of tea and stretched a little. “They’ve been fine for me but they’re running Thane ragged. You need to give him lessons.”
“Oh, there’ll be lessons, don’t worry. And Seren hates her hair, so we have a very well-suited natural consequence there which should stop them from buggering about with home stuff.” Her grin was evil, but it quickly evaporated. “Zoey, what’s up? You’ve been tired since last weekend.”
I’d hung out a lot at Fleur’s while Caleb had been away. Partly because I was helping with her kids, and also for the company. Amelie and Roman had gone on holiday for two weeks to the Caribbean, the Puffin Inn always quiet at this time of year so Alys was fine to run it. They were back now though, flying into Manchester yesterday although they weren’t back at the pub until Monday. I’d finished my songwriting project and had decided to take a break for a few weeks while we moved into the house, which had gone through with less hassle than I was anticipating. We’d complete on the sale the week after Caleb returned, so I’d spent a lot of the past week buying furniture that would be delivered when we had the keys, enjoying the process while at the same time getting frustrated with Caleb’s lack of interest in what sort of bed we had or what the mattress was like when I talked to him about it each day. I shouldn’t be surprised – I knew exactly what the flat had been like each time I’d visited.
“Maybe I have a virus or something.” I rarely got ill though. My diet was good and I didn’t overindulge, I still exercised and touring had built up my immunity.
Fleur frowned again. “Are you feeling sick?”
“A bit. I haven’t been though.” I was rarely sick. Only the occasional migraine had me talking to god down a one way phone.
“Boobs sore?”
“How did you know?”
“You flinched when I hugged you. Have you done a pregnancy test?”
That made me sit up. “I can’t be pregnant.”
“Have you been having sex?”
I nodded.
“Then you can be pregnant. Trust me – Seren and Flora were very, very unexpected. I think I got caught the second time we had sex. I’d let my contraception lap - ”
I burst into tears.
“Oh, fuck, Zoey, you might not be, and if you are, it isn’t the end of the world. I know they do irritating things like dye their hair and trash your make-up, but the rest of the time makes up for it. Usually.” She threw her arm around me, sitting next to me on the sofa.
“I forgot to sort my jab – the contraceptive jab. I told Caleb we were covered. He’s going to hate me.” I was blubbering now, my face feeling hot and my heart rate speeding up as I started to panic. “We hadn’t planned for this.”
“You might not be. Do you want to do a test or wait until Caleb’s back – it’s only another few days, isn’t it?” She hugged me a little tighter. “I have some tests in the bathroom.”
“Really? You have a stock of them?” I looked up at her rubbing away the tears that wouldn’t usually have fallen. This was the sixth time I’d cried this week.
Things were starting to click together.
“You’d be surprised how much panic a day late period can cause.” She stood up, taking a deep breath. “You know there’s no lose in this situation, don’t you? This is me reassuring you, by the way.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you’re not pregnant, you carry on as you are, maybe get to the doctors before Caleb gets home. If you are, everything will be okay.”
“I’m not sure Caleb wants kids yet.”
She smiled. “I’m sure he’ll be over the moon. You know he’s easy going and he adjusts to anything thrown at him. And he’s amazing with children and babies. You’ll have so much support and help and you’re lucky – you have the finances covered so no worries there.”
“True. I – we – didn’t expect this.” I hadn’t done the test yet but I knew the result. “Can I do a test?”
“The bathroom in my bedroom – let’s go up there while Thane’s got the monsters – I mean little darling angels.” She rolled her eyes. “I need to sell motherhood a bit better, don’t I?”
“The twins are fine, just a bit wild. And your son’s just an angel.” He really, really was.
Fleur nodded. “That’s because the twins take after me and Matty’s just like his dad. Please don’t tell Thane I’ve admitted to that.” She led the way up to her bedroom which was like something from a magazine. Fleur was an interior designer and she loved colour, so the whole house was just a feel good medicine. “Here. Go pee on a stick.” The pack she took out of a drawer had already been opened.
“Who used the other one? You?” I was curious.
She shook her head. “Absolutely not. Flora and Seren are the best contraceptives ever. Matty was considered at length before I let Thane knock me up again. The other one in this pack’s been used by Clover. It was negative, which meant that Gray didn’t have a heart attack. Go wee.”
I went into the ensuite bathroom, not locking the door, pulled down my jeans and underwear and sat on the loo, unable to pee for at least a minute.
“Try turning the tap on,” Fleur called in. “That might help.”
“I think I’m put off knowing you can hear me trying to pee.”
She laughed. “Once you’ve given birth you hand over any dignity you have left. Just piss on the stick. I’m dying to know.”
I managed, finally, not even getting time to pull my jeans back up before Fleur was in there, taking hold of the pregnancy test and holding it over the sink.
“Aren’t you meant to let me find out first?”
“Come and watch with me. I’m not missing out on the result.” She eyed me evilly. “Seriously, will you be happy if you are?”
I nodded. “I think I might be disappointed if I’m not and I feel really bad for saying that.”
“Don’t feel bad. Apart from when they’re dying their hair, they’re great. Especially when they’re sleeping. Look.” She pointed at the test. “That’s why you’ve been tired and hormonal. You’re baking a baby.”
“Fuck.” I stared at the test, tears blurring the view. My hand was on my stomach, I felt warm, elated, scared.
Happy.
“Congratulations. You and Caleb are going to be parents.” Her smile was beaming. She put the test down and enveloped me in a huge hug. “And it really will be okay.”
“Thank you. I guess I know it will be. I hope he’s happy when he’s gotten over the shock.” Part of me wanted to call him now and tell him; part of me wanted to wait until he got home. I wasn’t sure yet, my brain drowning in a gazillion thoughts, feeling light-headed.
“He will be. You know him – he will be too.”
Three Years Ago
I sat on the bed of the hotel and stared at the box in my hand. I’d had to ask Carissa to get it for me – if I’d been spotted buying it, there was a good chance it would have ended up in the media and that absolutely wasn’t on my bucket list to do right now.
My period was late, only by a couple of days, and there could be other explanations as to why that was – stress, three flights in four days, nature sticking her finger up at me – but one was that I could be pregnant and that wasn’t something I wanted to be right now.
I was careful. My contraceptive shot was scheduled regularly. I used condoms. I avoided sex when my health app told me I was at my most fertile, which hadn’t gone down well with my current boyfriend. I didn’t have a problem with missing out on sex with him, which was an indicator of what I needed to do as soon as I’d taken this test.
What if it was positive?
What the fuck would I do?
My phone rang, a welcome distraction. Caleb’s name and a photo of him and me on the beach at Elderwood Sound flashed up on my screen. There was no point in not telling him – he could read me like a book even when I was on another continent, and I didn’t have it in me to even try to lie competently enough right now.
“Hey.” I was as enthusiastic as a child who’d just been told they were allergic to chocolate.
“You okay?” There we had it. A sixth sense developed after a decade of friendship, or however long it was.
“No. I’m really not.” I started to cry. It was the first time in months anyone had asked me that.
I heard him sigh. This wasn’t the first time I’d cried down the phone to him; he’d become agitated because he couldn't be there to fix it. I had no idea how he was going to react to this.
“What is it? Who do I need to arrange to have killed?”
I managed a laugh, although it wasn’t going to win me any Oscars. “I’m late.”
“For what?”
Bless him, the idiot. “My period’s late.”
“Oh, that’s a bit shit. Have you done a pregnancy test?” He sounded way too calm – at least compared to what I was expecting.
“I’m about to.”
“What brand did you get?”
I read it out to him and frowned. “How do you know about brands?”
He coughed and then fell silent. “Remember Jaycee, the girl from the history department I was seeing?”
“I do. Vaguely.” Caleb’s girlfriends had a habit of blurring into one.
“Well, she had a bit of a scare. It was after we’d finished. She wasn’t pregnant so it was okay.” I could hear the relief in his voice still. “I wasn’t ready for that.”
“I thought you were always careful.” He’d said many times that he was precious about his condoms.
“We were. No sign of any breakages, but she was late. Anyway, no baby, thank fuck. You ready to take the test?” He sounded calm, which was helping. I envied Jaycee, having him there, especially if she’d been panicking like I was right now.
“I can’t be pregnant, Cay. It’s not the right time.”
“It’s not the right man either, but we can deal with that later.” Still calm. And firm.
“We?”
“We. If you are, I’m there with you. You know that. I always will be. Now piss on the stick thing.”
I was crying again, too choked up to answer with much more than an okay.
“I’ll phone you back when I’ve done it.”
“Why? It isn’t like I haven’t heard you have a piss before, Zo. I was there when you were drunker than Mavis after five sherries and peed on your new boots.”
“Can’t you ever forget that?”
“Nope. Just like you don’t let me forget when I fell asleep in the bath in a pool of my own vomit.”
“You realise those events were almost a decade ago?”
“Time flies. Go on, get it over and done with and then you know.” He carried on talking while I rearranged myself, following the instructions and happy for once that I had a full bladder.
Caleb kept the verbal diarrhoea up until I flushed the toilet with my elbow, holding the phone in one hand, the pregnancy test in the other, waddling to the sink with my underwear round my ankles.
“How long left?” He came back to the issue at hand, literally.
“About twenty seconds. What if I am?”
“We’ll deal with it. What if you’re not? You keeping that arsehole as your boyfriend or getting rid?” There was an unusual edge to his voice.
“Getting rid. As soon as I’ve found out, I’ll text him.”
“Text is a bit harsh, isn’t it?”
“Not really.” Relief rushed through me like a fresh coastal breeze. “It’s negative. Thank fuck, thank fuck, thank fuck.” I sat down on the edge of the bath. “I’m so relieved.”
“So am I, Zo. I mean, I’d have made a fucking amazing uncle, but - ”
He stopped speaking and for a second the silence was palpable.
“But what?”
“But nothing. What are you going to do now?’
I let it pass, although I was curious about what he was going to say. Relief remained as the overwhelming emotion. “Have a bath. Sleep. I’m on a flight home tomorrow.”
“Back to London. I’ve got a long weekend off work – do you want me to drive down to London and meet you?”
“That would be amazing. I don’t think I’ll be very good company though.”
“You’re always good company. Even if you’ll have me running round buying you chocolate and making you hot water bottles if you‘ve got period pain.” He sounded quite cheerful about it.
“You’re pretty good at all that.” He’d done that a few times. “You’ll be a great husband when someone finally locks you down. And you’ll be a great girl dad too.”
His laugh was full on and booming. “You give me better reviews than any of my girlfriends!”
“That’s because you break their hearts.”
“I don’t. They know I’m not looking for anything serious.”
“Cay, when are you going to look for something serious?”
He was quiet for a moment. “When the right person’s ready.”
“That’s cryptic.”
“Not really. Are you texting that wanker or not?”
“I am.”
“Send me a screenshot and phone me when you’ve done it. I want to know what he says and whether I need to hunt him down and punch him.”
I did send him the screenshot and phoned him back; we talked about my now ex and how he’d responded, the bulk of the messages being about how our PR teams would handle it. I called Caleb again two hours later to let him know my period had started as well, a welcome splash of blood and the familiar cramps finally putting my mind completely at ease
Caleb’s response – a delivery of a hamper full of chocolate to my room an hour later.
It was then I wished he was mine.