14. Caleb
Caleb
I t was cold. Visibility wasn’t great outside. What I’d enjoyed before – the sense of being cocooned from what was happening elsewhere in the world, feeling like a student again because responsibilities were minimal – wasn’t the same as before.
The house was sorted. Zoey and I would be moving in together shortly after I got back, furniture had been ordered, my sofa would have a new home, and I’d become a fully-fledged grown-up, no longer living in his step-mum’s spare flat, with a girlfriend and our own furniture.
I felt rather proud of myself. Level unlocked.
I just really wanted to get back home, which meant I was working at the speed of light to try and make sure everything we needed to have done was complete and then there was no reason to not be on the scheduled flight home.
Leaving had been horrible. There had been a couple of times when I’d left for a trip while Zoey had been in Puffin Bay; saying goodbye to her then hadn’t been easy. I loved her being around and because we’d never had much time for that, I’d resented having to leave her. This had felt like bad timing. It was an interruption when we really didn’t need it, a pause when we didn’t want it and speaking every day via video call just wasn’t the same as being there in person.
“How’s your girlfriend doing?” Katie, one of the other scientists, leaned over my shoulder and peered at my computer screen. “Why are you looking at rugs?”
“Because apparently they’re important and I need to choose between the green one and the teal one.” It was a difficult decision that I wasn’t qualified for in the slightest. “And she’s doing fine.”
“I’d go for the green. I think you’d get bored of the teal after a while.” She stood back up again. “So what’s the plan with you and her? When are you going to put a ring on it?”
I turned away from the screen, remembering that Katie had gotten married just before Christmas and was technically on her honeymoon because her husband was out here as a scientist too. I’d worked with them both for years now, having met her husband, Will, when we were undergrads, and we’d had a cross-University thing.
“In a couple of years. We need to get the house sorted first and get used to not just being friends. How’s married life?”
She shrugged. “The same as it was before. It’s no different apart from it feels a bit more secure and I don’t call him my boyfriend anymore. Seriously, go for the green. It’ll match the outdoors more.” She patted me on the arm and then wandered off, my phone starting to vibrate with an incoming video call from Zoey.
I picked it up and legged it out of my seat to a storeroom that no one would go in any time soon. I didn’t have my own bedroom – we were all in bunks like dormitories, apart from Katie and Will, who’d managed to score a dorm for just the two of them given they were just married, so privacy was an expensive commodity.
“Hey! You okay?” It was seven in the morning here, so eight at night back in Wales. Usually we called each other when it was around eleven Zoey’s time, then maybe again when it was nine in the morning for her. We worked shifts at the station and mine was about to start now although I had been up early. There was no sunset or sunrise here, and it was currently mid-summer in Antarctica, so we didn’t have night time as such. The first time I’d been here I’d found it fascinating. This time, not so much.
“Yes, I’m fine. Kind of.” She sounded nervous.
I settled down on an old chair that I wasn’t sure could take my weight. I reckoned it was a relic from the nineteen seventies from its style and fragility.
“You don’t sound sure. Is everyone okay?” I wasn’t a panicker. Neither was my dad, and if something really serious had happened, he or Amelie would’ve called, regardless of the time. There was a safety plan here to be able to get us back home in case of an emergency.
“Everyone’s fine. The house is all going through – nothing’s changed since yesterday.” She smiled, but it was forced.
Her hair was wild, her curls untamed, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup. She looked flushed and little tired, and as if something was really on her mind.
“So why are you phoning now and why do I know something’s not right?” I wished like fuck I was there right now.
Tears started to fall from her eyes.
“Zoey, I need more than anything to be there right now and I can’t so please tell me what the matter is.”
She wiped at her eyes and tried another smile. “I don’t know how you’re going to take this and I’ve only known for three hours – I didn’t want to wake you too early and I wasn’t sure when you’d be up.”
“You can always send me a message and I’ll phone you as soon as, or just ring the facility if you can’t wake me up. What’s the matter? Please tell me. Everything will be okay, whatever it is.” I was really starting to worry now, trying to push it down so she didn’t see, and it wouldn’t upset her anymore.
She swallowed, sat up a little straighter, took a deep breath. “One of the things we talked about before you left has happened sooner than we said.”
I blinked, knowing what she was referring to straight away. “You’re pregnant?” A rush, heady and fast, making me lightheaded, my heart racing. I felt my face crack open with a grin and I was king of the world. “We’re having a baby?”
She nodded, smiling now, tears running, but these were different. She’d been worried about telling me. I remembered the conversation we’d had about getting married and having children a few days before I’d left to come here.
“I’m going to be a dad.” I hadn’t known I’d feel like this. There’d been a couple of scares before with girlfriends and I remembered half-praying for the test to be negative, knowing that while I’d step up and it would be all okay, I hadn’t been excited about it, and the relief when those tests had come back negative had been immense.
Maybe it was because I was older. Maybe it was because it was with her.
“You are. You’re not taking this like I thought you would.” She blew her nose and wiped her tears away with a tissue. “I thought you’d be upset.”
I thought about what words I should use. I knew Zoey; she’d have spent the last few hours wondering how I was going to react and trying to prepare herself for the worst. I got it.
“So did I.” It was a confession. “I’m surprised myself. I knocked you up.” I was imagining her full with my baby, her belly swollen, and I wished more than anything I was back home with her right now. “I’m feeling more than a little proud of myself right now.”
She looked stunned. “I thought – I thought you’d be cross. I told you I had us covered for contraception and I didn’t. I’m sorry, Cay.”
“Don’t be. Unless you are?” Dread hit me like a battering ram. “Do you want to keep it?”
This time she smiled, wide and full, her whole face lighting up. “Yes. Of course I do. I just hope he or she gets my singing voice and not yours. Yours could be used instead of a ship horn.”
She wasn’t wrong.
“Good. I thought for a second I was having the reaction you didn’t want. You know it’s your choice – it would’ve been either way.” I rubbed my head, maybe a little too violently. I wanted to move, to run, to breath fresh air. All of sudden I felt cooped up and I missed the seas and the grasses and the sands of home.
“I know you Cay. I know you would stand by me whatever I chose. So yeah, all being well, if everything goes smoothly, you’re going to be a dad in a few months.” She started to leak tears again. “I think I’m really hormonal and I can’t stop crying.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed my head again. “Do you want me to try and get home sooner?”
She shook her head. “No. You’ve only got another ten days. Fleur knows – she was with me when I took the test. In fact, it was Fleur who suggested I might be pregnant.”
“What made her think you were?” I knew enough from living in Puffin Bay what the signs were. I’d heard in the pub from the Holland brothers when they’d suspected that their wives were pregnant again, and I supposed I’d been away in the time when those tells would’ve been there with Zoey.
“I’ve been really tired, and emotional. I thought I was getting sick with something and she suggested I did a test – it was positive. I’m going to book in to see the doctor when you’re back so you can come with me. Fleur won’t say anything to anyone and I’m going to keep to myself this week so I don’t burst into tears and announce it in the Puffin Inn or something.” She gave me a wry smile.
I didn’t like that. I wasn’t one for secrets, especially ones that were being kept on my behalf and ones like this, which would be a cause for celebration.
“Why don’t we video call my dad and Amelie now and tell them, then they can be around until I get back. I know you’re not meant to tell people until you get to twelve weeks and all that, so if you don’t want to, that’s fine.” I watched her face trying to read what she was thinking from her expression.
There was a nod, and a smile, her shoulders relaxing. “What are they going to say?”
“I think they’ll be over the moon and back again. It isn’t like we’re kids, Zo. This didn’t happen when I was eighteen, which might’ve had a different response.” I was interested in how my dad was going to react to being a grandad. He hadn’t been around until I was fourteen through no fault of his own, and I’d understood why my mum had done what she did. He’d been married to his business, driven and passionate about working. Amelie (and I suppose me) had softened him. He’d slowed down with work in recent years, not because of health or fitness or anything like that, but because he could. He liked helping Amelie out with the pub and the bed and breakfast that they ran, and getting involved in the community centre that was still Amelie’s. He was only mid-fifties and seemed a lot younger. I suspected he’d be thrilled to be a granddad, although he might not want to be called that. There was going to be a lot of mileage in winding him up.
“True. Do you think they’ll be happy?”
“I really do. Shall I text them and set up a video call? They’re at home at the moment.” I swallowed, starting to feel nervous, although there was no reason to be.
Zoey nodded, biting her lip. I wished I was the one biting it.
“You know I love you, don’t you?” I said it without thinking. “And I just wish I was there right now. That’s the hardest thing and I guess that’s not easy for you, either.”
“I wish you were here, but you’ll be home in ten days. It’s not that long.” Her smile came easier, I could tell. “I think we should tell your dad and Amelie. Do you think it’ll be okay if I stay with them tonight?”
“I think they’ll be fine with that. Have you eaten?”
She shook her head. “I haven’t been able to pull myself together enough to cook yet. Flora dyed Seren’s hair red, so she and Thane were trying to conduct the circus, else I would’ve eaten at theirs. I’m not great at being on my own yet.”
“You don’t need to get great at that. I’ve no long trips planned after this anyway, just a couple of nights here and there and you can always come with me.” I exhaled, letting my shoulders relax. “We can work everything out as we go. It’s all going to be alright.”
“You won’t be saying that when you have a tweenage girl, especially if she’s like the twins.”
I grinned. I knew exactly how wild and spirited the girls were, and that Thane and Fleur wouldn’t have it any other way, even if it was their hair that needed the grey dying out of it. “This one might be a boy.”
“They might be.”
Then I saw the smile, the overwhelmed but ecstatic grin coming through.
“You’re really happy about this, aren’t you?” I was grinning too now.
She nodded, crying again. “I am. I can’t explain it – I just feel all warm inside and really protective. I’ve spent the last two hours researching nursery décor and cots. That was in between playing out conversations in my head with you and working out how you were going to take the news.”
“Did I react like you’d planned?”
She nodded. “I had two scenarios – this, where you were completely chill about it, and the other where you were panicked and stressed. I didn’t think the second would happen; I was just worried because you’d said you wanted to wait for kids.”
“You know how good I am about planning things so I think it was always going to happen this way. I’m thrilled, Zoey, really. I just want to get home to you.” I wanted to hold her, make sure she ate, to rush things along with the house so we could get settled.
I breathed, pulling myself together. “Let me text my dad. Then you can get over to their house for now.” As tough as she was with all the touring and making such a success of herself, she had a fragility to her underneath it. Puffin Bay had been her home for so many reasons, and it would especially be now.
“I love you.” She blurted the words. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“Yeah, well you might not be saying that when you can’t see your toes anymore in a few months.”
She laughed and I knew everything was going to be alright.
My dad hadn’t asked any questions when I said we needed to jump on a video call with him and Zoey, although afterwards he told me he’d known what I was going to say although he didn’t know why. Amelie had always been a bit new age, so maybe some of her psychic sense had rubbed off on him – another thing to wind him up about.
I saw the Strait in the background of my dad’s screen when he came online. He and Amelie were at the bottom of their garden, just near the jetty. The night was clear and they had mugs of tea with them, big coats on.
“How come you’re not inside?” I knew it was still chilly, not exactly the same as it was in Antarctica, but cold all the same.
My dad grinned. “We’ve been bird watching.”
I shook my head. “I don’t believe you. Seriously. Why are you outside when it’s probably cold enough to freeze your balls off.”
“I wouldn’t let him freeze his balls off, Caleb, I like them too much.” Amelie patted the side of my dad’s face. He moved away and glared at her. She laughed, clearly enjoying herself. “That’s two of you freaked out in one sentence.”
“Please stop. Anyway, Zoey and I have some really new news. Zo?” I took a big breath of air and held it.
Zoey’s voice quivered as she spoke. “I’m pregnant. I found out today and told Caleb about half an hour ago.”
Unsurprisingly for anyone that knew her, it was Amelie who spoke first, as soon as Zoey had finished the announcement, leaving no pause for any shock or any space for not knowing what to say.
“That’s such wonderful news, sugar. I can’t think of anything better.” Her eyes danced evilly. “Roman, you’re going to be a grandpops.”
His expression was murderous. “If you say that word again, I swear - ”
She giggled, the sound still like bells at Christmas. “You can’t get away from it. Your son’s going to be a daddy.” Then her attention was back on the screen. “Is this good news for you both?”
I nodded, seeing Zoey do the same, although she looked tearful again. I hated being away from her.
“It’s a surprise,” I said. “Not going to lie, but it’s a good surprise.”
My dad was still processing, although he was smiling. There was no reason for him not to be, I knew, but I knew for Zoey, she would want his support.
“How are you feeling, Zoey?” he asked, his arm now around Amelie’s shoulders, her head resting against him.
“Tired. Emotional. I was with Fleur when I found out, and I feel a bit weird being on my own right now - ”
“Then we’ll come and get you and you can stay here until Caleb gets back,” my dad interrupted. “We promise you don’t have to sit outside. It’s perfectly warm in here and Amelie’s made lasagne.”
“I’m so hungry. Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, I know you’ve only just got back from holiday and you’ve had this thrown at you and - ” She was garbling nervously.
“Zoey, it’s good news as long as it’s good news for you.” His voice had that firm, calm quality I remembered from when I first met him and the first thing he pretty much did was give me part of his liver. “I’ll drive round and pick you up. How long do you need to pack a bag?”
“About half an hour. Are you sure - ”
“Do you want garlic bread with your lasagne or chips, or I can do you a salad?” Amelie interrupted this time. “Or all three.”
“All three. Thank you. I’m going to go get my stuff together. Caleb, phone me later, please.”
“I will do.”
She clicked off, leaving me with my dad and Amelie.
“You okay, kid?” My dad said, Amelie wandering off and leaving just my dad on screen.
“Yeah. Surprisingly excited and yeah. I didn’t think I’d be this thrilled.” I was grinning like a mad man now. “It feels so right even though it was an accident.”
He laughed. “Well so were you, and you were a surprise when I found out about you, but a good one. I think I only looked at whether I could send you back twice.”
“I probably know why for both those occasions. I think Zoey’s really shocked and I’m pissed off that I can’t be there. She’ll tell you she can look after herself, which she can, but I’ll feel better if she’s got you and Am with her.” That was my only regret, that I wasn’t there when she found out. There wasn’t anything I could do about that now or could’ve been done about it. We moved forward, and what was waiting for us was good. My chest swelled.
“We’ll look after her, you don’t need to ask. I’ll phone you later too and let you know how she is. And you know Amelie will make sure she’s okay.” He swallowed, looking emotional, which was unusual for my dad. “Why don’t you both move in here while you get your house ready? It’s big enough and Amelie and I promise to keep stuff to the bedroom.”
I laughed, trying not to remember the scene I’d witnessed which sent me to living at the flat above the Puffin Inn. “I’ll see what Zoey wants to do. She might be up for that rather than staying at Mavis’ and it means Mavis’ can be freed up sooner.” No one else needed Mavis’ house at the moment, but you never knew when someone would.
“Or there’s the flat above the inn. It’s finished now.”
I shook my head. “No. I think that’s in the past now.” The thought of going back there didn’t sit right.
“I think you’re right not to.” He was quiet. “You’ll be a good dad, kid.”
“Yeah, well, I had a pretty good example.” I grinned again, swallowing down emotion that was starting to bubble up. “By the way, baby stuff’s fucking expensive.”
“Yeah, is it? You’re wife’s rich and you’ll just have to do some overtime then, won’t you?”
I ended the call, laughing, knowing that in another nine months or less, we’d have a baby who’d be spoiled in all the ways that mattered.
Zoey phoned me back a couple of hours later, wrapped up in bed, sinking into a mattress I knew was like lying on a cloud and a duvet that would be cosy and snug, because that was how Amelie did things.
“How was your lasagne?”
“I ate two portions and a load of chips. They were amazing. Your parents have been fab. They didn’t freak that I kept crying all the time even though I don’t know what I’m crying about. Hormones.” Her voice cracked and I figured tears were starting again.
I felt useless but that was something I had to deal with and not project on her.
“It’s worth being there just for the food. My dad suggested staying there until our house is ready. What do you think?” I was liking the idea. I got on well with them both, and spending some time there while the house was readied to our taste seemed sensible. If I knew Zoey, and I did, she was going to start buying baby paraphernalia as soon as she got the inkling of a go ahead.
“This duvet alone makes me want to say yes. I’ll speak to Amelie about it in the morning. I feel better being here already.”
“Good. I feel better you being there and I’ll be home in a week now. I’ve managed to get on the earlier flight out of here.” We were far enough with the research that I could pass it over to someone else and pick up what I needed to carry on with from the lab at the university.
“That’s amazing. I did another pregnancy test just to check and that was positive too, so I don’t think it’s a false alarm.” She sounded sleepy. “I’ll be glad when you’re home.”
“I will too. I’ll speak to you when you wake up. Sleep well.”
“I will do. Love you.”
“Love you.” It was easy to say. A relief to say.
I was lucky.
Two Years Ago
“We should have our palms read.” She pulled on my hand outside a small shop that announced on a sign Palms Read Here. “It’ll be fun and in twenty years we can see how accurate they were.”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure about this, Zo. This isn’t my thing.”
“Come on, Mister Scientist. You can do something weird and wonderful every so often. Make it this. For me.”
She knew it was utterly futile to try and resist her.
“Fine.” I groaned. “But that means we’re doing a tour of the Guinness factory.” She hadn’t been keen on that because she didn’t like Guinness, but as I’d explained, that wasn’t. the point. We were in Dublin for a weekend away, just being two normal twenty-something year olds and she didn’t have to drink the Guinness. I’d happily have her free pint.
We entered Madam McAllister’s Eye of the Future, Zoey far more enthusiastic than me. Madam McAllister was sitting at a table covered with a cloth patterned with eyes and cards, but she looked like someone’s grandma, even down to the twin set and pearls.
“Good morning, youngsters. How can I help you today?” Her accent was Irish and strong with it too.
I didn’t crack the obvious joke that she should know what we were here for; I had more sense and knowledge than that. Amelie and Freya, the wife of one of my friends, both read tarot cards, and Freya in particular was very new age. I had no issue with it apart from it scared me slightly, and I was nervous as to what Madam McAllister might say about me in front of Zoey.
“We want to know our futures.” Zoey sounded delighted. “Can you read our palms?”
She nodded and gestured for us to sit down. “It’s fifteen pounds each, if you’d pay first.”
No cards, just cash, said the sign. I coughed up the notes from my wallet and put them in the pot, wondering what I did next.
“Let me start with you, young lady.” She took hold of Zoey’s hand, running her fingers across her palm. “You have had success and there’s more to come. A big decision will need to be made.” She smiled at Zoey. “You’ll know what to do and my advice, girl, is to not question your gut. Follow your instinct.” She looked at me. “You’re friends, right? Nothing more. Yet. I see babies in your future, here.” She turned Zoe's hand over. “These lines; two babies, a third if you want later.” There was some more about challenges and being creative. I got the feeling that Madam McAllister didn’t actually know who Zoey was, or if she did, she was doing a really good job of hiding it.
I also didn’t want to think about Zoey having babies with someone that wasn’t me. I’d come to terms with that over the last half a decade. If someone was going to get Zoey pregnant it would have to be me; I just wasn’t sure how to have that conversation with her.
“Moving onto you.”
I woke up from my half nightmare, half dream, Madam McAllister’s focus on me.
“Can I have your hand?’
I held it out for her, nervous, wishing I hadn’t agreed to this.
“You’ve had health complications and it could’ve gone badly, but it didn’t. Your father helped you out, didn’t he?”
I nodded, surprised how she knew this.
“Good. You’re strong and healthy now and you don’t take that for granted. I don’t see any related health issues here. You’re doing what you love and you’re where you want to be, only your love line isn’t strong. You have a line that runs parallel to it, which is interesting. There’s someone you want, only you’re not sure you can have her, but you will, one day.” She came up for air, tilting my hand like she’d done with Zoey’s. “Two children and a third if you want. Like your friend’s. That’s interesting, isn’t it?”
She let go of my hand and sat back. “I think we’re done. I think you’ve heard as much as you need to.”
Zoey looked at me and then back at Madam McAllister. “You told me a lot more than him.”
“I told him as much as he needs to know. Anymore and it’d be spoilers, and where’s the fun in that?” Her smile revealed almost perfect teeth. “You’re both blessed and you appreciate that. You have choice and free will, and you’ll be happy. Both of you. Now go and enjoy Dublin like young people should.”
Madam McAllister pulled me back into the room while Zoey left, surprisingly strong for someone who must’ve been almost eighty.
“You have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel, child. It won’t turn out as badly as you think it might.”
And with that, I was pushed outside and the door behind me closed.
“What did she say to you?” Zoey pestered me as we walked outside, the drizzle of Dublin the sort of rain that really wets you.
I shrugged. “Just about career decisions. Ready for the Guinness factory?” I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, liking how she leaned into me far too much.
I’d think about Madam McAllister’s advice and maybe one day I’d take it. For now, I’d enjoy the moment.