10. Abby #2
“Abby,” he says curtly, and I think he’s going to turn and walk away.
I realize I’m nervous because what used to be an easy relationship with someone I considered a brother is now a strained one.
I don’t know why I expected us to remain the same because I caused this, but I guess I hoped for better.
“I’m sorry, River,” I decide to say. It might get me nowhere, but it can’t hurt.
River closes his eyes, and I see his shoulders sag a bit.
“Why are you sorry, Abby?” he asks.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt Clay.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I did what I thought was best for him.
I know it’s difficult to understand, but I honestly thought it was the best thing for everyone involved,” I bite my lower lip, “and I’m starting to learn now that maybe I wasn’t being fair to anyone. ”
He stares at me for a few beats. River is identical to his brother.
He’s got his brother’s dark-brown hair and hazel eyes, which today are leaning more toward green than brown.
They’ve got those broad shoulders and muscles from carrying all that equipment from their jobs.
Their smiles show off their dimples and their perfectly white teeth.
They’re both more fit for models and turn more heads than I would like to admit, but I’ve always been more attracted to Clay than River.
It’s weird that two people can look like clones of one another, yet I could only be drawn to one of them.
My friends thought my attraction could be interchangeable, but that idea always felt weird to me.
My relationship with River always felt more like a brother, and I wish it could have stayed that way. Of course, I understand his anger and resentment at how I acted. I left his best friend. He should be upset. If he weren’t, I think that would be more concerning. But right now, it still stings.
“I appreciate you saying those things. Just out of curiosity, have you said them to Clay? Because as great as it is to know you feel this way, I think it would be better he heard it from you, than to hear it from me,” he says.
I know they share everything, and I know he could go straight to him and repeat what I just said.
I don’t expect him to. I didn’t say those things so that he would be my messenger. That was just for him.
“I didn’t tell you that so you could give him the message. I wanted to apologize to you. I don’t expect us to go back to the way things were. But I wanted you to know I am sorry. And I do miss you as my brother.”
“I miss you too,” he tells me. “And for what it’s worth, I know he misses you still. It’s not too late. But what you did with Malloy was low.”
“I swear it wasn’t a real date. It was—” He stops me.
“Yeah, I heard. I still had to say it. It was fucked up on multiple levels. But showing up was still something you chose to do, and I think you should know I was not okay with it. Things could have gotten out of hand. Clay was really pissed. And I know how that night ended.” He gives me a Cheshire cat look, and my cheeks flush.
“Yeah, well, we’re not talking about that.” I look away.
“Listen, I’m glad you’re okay after everything you two went through. You have to understand my loyalty is always with my brother, Abby. If you need anything, I’m here. You know that, right?”
I clear my throat, hoping to clear the frog that’s trying to creep up.
“I appreciate you saying that. Thank you. I’ve, um, been thinking about your mom. How is she?” I ask.
“Oh, now that I'm dating Kennedy, she won't stop bugging me to propose to her. She's been loving having her around. Though I think her favorite family member is still Lola.” He rolls his eyes.
Lola was still more puppy than adult when I saw her last. She was stealing River’s shoes and chewing anything she could.
“I bet Lola is much bigger now. Please give your mom my love,” I tell him. Mary was always so kind and loving when I was part of the family.
“I definitely will.” I notice how he doesn’t tell me to come by and see her. A part of me hurts knowing I won’t get to see her, but that’s the pain of divorce.
“Listen, I should go. Kennedy cooks like she’s feeding fish in the ocean. The girl doesn’t understand the concept of measuring salt. So, I need to get home and make dinner. It was good seeing you, and I appreciate you talking to me. I hope with time things will settle down some. Take care.”
I nod but don’t say much else. He’s grabs the wrapped-up meat the butcher put on the counter a while ago.
River nods and walks past me. I stand there a while, processing everything that transpired.
It’s hard to navigate divorce, even though I’m the one that asked for it.
It continues to have highs and lows even after time passes.
In our case, I didn’t leave because I lost my love for the person I married.
I simply feared he’d lose his love for me.
But I ran away. It’s something I’m working on in therapy.
I can’t really turn back the hands of time, so I’ll keep doing the work and hopefully not make the same mistake twice if I ever get the chance at love again.