Chapter 18
18
HOPE
I unlock the back door, turn off the alarm, and turn on the recessed ceiling lights, creating pretty reflections on the gold trim decorating the mirrors and walls. Then I turn on the matching gold pendant lights, stow my purse in my locker in the lunchroom, and head to the front of the salon.
Taking a long drink of my coffee, I log into the computer and check the bookings for the day. We’re all booked back-to-back, which is not unusual for us, and it’s exactly what I need today, so I’m thankful. I need to stay busy so I can keep my mind from the dream I had last night … and Ben.
Frowning, I walk down the short hallway to the laundry room to swap out the towels in the washer and dryer, loading another pile of dark teal towels that match the paint on the salon walls. Picking up the first dry towel, I fold it in half twice, then stack it on the shelf. I continue the mindless work, trying to sort through my muddled thoughts.
His understanding of my loss made so much more sense after he told me about his best friend, Tahlia. At any age, it would have been horrific to witness a friend convulsing and then to find out they had terminal brain cancer, but at eighteen? I shake my head in disbelief. I can’t fathom what it was like to watch her deteriorate and pass away. An experience like that isn’t something you quickly forget, especially since they seemed as close as two friends could be.
I wonder if they were ever tempted to take their friendship to another level? Stop it! You’re not supposed to be thinking about him. I sigh and run my hands through the front of my hair and grasp a handful at the roots. His playful gaze flashes in my mind, sending heat pooling between my thighs and flooding up my neck. Shit!
Shaking the thoughts from my head, I turn on the sound system and choose a playlist for the day. Scanning the selections, I settle on the Patrick Droney mix. His raspy voice sounds over the speakers as I ensure we have enough cash in the drawer.
“Morning!” Sophie calls as she heads toward the lunchroom.
“Morning,” I call back.
She comes back out, carrying a pile of freshly folded towels, and places them on each cart, ready to be used. She then adds the dark teal capes we use to protect our clients’ clothes. Once she’s stocked the carts, she restocks the towels at the basins, and then she comes over to me.
“How was your weekend?”
I drop my head and lick my lips while my stomach free falls. “It was okay. How was yours?”
She tilts her head to the side, then focuses on the computer, clicking the mouse to wake it up. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Why?”
She lifts her eyes to my face and studies me. “You look tired.”
“Oh.” An awkward chuckle escapes my lips. “Had trouble sleeping last night.”
The back door slams shut, and Lucy and Savannah chat as they walk through to the lunchroom.
“Any reason?” She asks the question like it’s no big deal if I answer or not, but I know the girls here worry about me. I glance away from her and swallow past my confession. I’d really like to get someone’s take on my dream and if they consider it cheating, but it’s so personal. She lays her hand on my forearm, concern filling her eyes. “You can talk to me.”
Lucy and Savannah join us and immediately pick up on the mood. “What’s going on?” Lucy asks.
Sophie shifts her gaze to her. “I was just asking Hope why she had trouble sleeping.”
Lucy and Savannah move closer. “Are you okay, hon?” Savannah asks.
It’s such a private thing … but perhaps they can give me some perspective. I feel like such a dirty cheater, but maybe it’s natural for something like that to happen. It’s not like they’ve experienced loss like I have, but I desperately need to talk to someone … to get this burden of guilt off my chest.
“You know this is a safe space, right?” Lucy reminds me.
I nod, then lick my lips. “I sorta don’t know where to start, but last night I had a sexy dream about Wyatt and me.” The girls grin and wiggle their eyebrows up and down.
“Oh, I like the sound of this,” Sophie adds as she leans her hip against the counter, getting more comfortable.
“It’s not like I haven’t had them before, you know … but this time it was different.”
“Good different or bad different?” Lucy asks.
“Bad different.” I scrubbed my body so hard in the shower this morning because I felt so dirty. I’m surprised I didn’t take off a layer of skin.
They move in a little closer, worry shrouding their features. “What happened, hon?”
“Well, Wyatt made me … you know … with his mouth and fingers”—my neck heats like it’s sunburned—“but when I looked down, it was Ben looking up at me.”
Lucy’s mouth drops open, but it’s Savannah that speaks. “Ben? The cop who brought Evan home?”
I nod.
Their eyebrows shoot up, and it would almost be comical if I weren’t so distressed by the events of last night. “I … I think it’s because we spent a lot of time together on Saturday. After he bought us lunch, I offered to cut his hair at my place, and then one thing led to another and he ended up staying for dinner. Then, we watched a movie with Evan, and I couldn’t help but notice how fantastic he smelled and how soft his hair is. Oh, and he has really nice arms and a tight butt. He smiles really nice, and his gray eyes have this amber color close to the pupils.” I point to my eye, unable to stop the word vomit, and while the girls appear shocked, I’m drowning in embarrassment. “Now I feel like I cheated on Wyatt because I had a sex dream about another man,” I rush to add.
“You cut his hair?” Lucy clarifies with wide eyes. “At your house?”
I nod. “Well, he’d bought us lunch after Evan and I stayed behind at the shelter to help him bathe the dogs. He kept brushing his hair away from his face, and I … well, I thought it was the least I could do. He’s been amazing with Evan. Ben’s so kind and he’s been so compassionate and understanding. And then Evan wanted me to cut his hair in the same style as Ben’s.” Their eyes soften. “And he read a couple of Evan’s stories and made a big fuss about how well-written they are, and it was close to dinnertime by the time he finished.” I shake my head as I remember how eager Evan was to continue spending time with Ben. “Evan didn’t want to let him go, so he asked if he could stay for dinner. It’s like he’s so desperate for a man’s attention … and Ben’s more than happy to give it to him. I couldn’t say no.” I draw in a long breath. That was a lot to get off my chest.
“And then you dreamed about him last night?” Savannah asks softly.
I nod slowly, my tongue too tangled to let any more words come out.
“Well, I think it’s completely normal,” Sophie says with confidence. “He’s spending time with your son, who you love to pieces, and it’s making him happy, which makes you happy. I think it’s to be expected that he’ll morph into other areas of your thoughts and psyche.” She rubs her hand across my shoulder. “He’s the first guy that you’ve spent any time with since you lost Wyatt.”
“Shane used to come around a lot. Did you ever have dreams about him?” Lucy asks, then takes a sip of her coffee like the question she asked wasn’t a bombshell.
I shake my head. “Nope. I know he’s handsome, but he’s been nothing more than Wyatt’s friend helping us out. I’ve never … uh … never felt that way about him.” I swallow the boulder in my throat, cursing my suddenly dry mouth. “I … uh … find Ben incredibly attractive. And the way he treats Evan is so appealing.” My eyes burn, and my nose tingles. My stomach free falls with my confession, and I cover my face with my hands.
“Awww, hon. This was bound to happen at some point,” Savannah sympathizes as she tugs me in for a hug.
“But I promised Wyatt forever. I shouldn’t find anyone attractive. I shouldn’t have sexy dreams about a man who isn’t my husband. It’s not right.” I wrap my arms around my middle.
Savannah studies me closely with deep creases between her brows. “Do you honestly believe Wyatt would want you and Evan to be alone for the rest of your life?”
“I promised him.”
“ Until death , Hope,” Lucy murmurs.
“Yeah, well, I’m not dead,” I snap.
The girls roll their eyes, and I feel their patience slipping away. “You’re being ridiculous now. We know how much you love Wyatt, but there’s no way he would hold you to that promise now that he’s no longer here,” Lucy tells me. “He would want you to find someone to love you and Evan. Someone to look after you both and make you happy.”
Logically, I know they’re right. But my heart doesn’t work on logic.
“Let me put it to you this way. If you passed away and Wyatt was left behind, would you want him to stay true to his promises to you?” Savannah asks.
I open my mouth but immediately slam it closed as my mind wars between wanting him to stay true to me but also wanting him to be happy.
Wyatt was always emotionally stunted, and he wouldn’t be able to give Evan the softer love and support he needs to thrive. Evan would need a woman around to give him that softness. He missed a lot of Evan’s early years because of his deployments and they would have almost been strangers if Wyatt had to leave the army to care for our son— if he chose to leave. The army was his life.
As much as I hate the idea of another woman sharing Wyatt’s bed, I would rather he be happy and Evan looked after. Tears well behind my eyes and the ache in my heart becomes unbearable at the realization. Sharp claws dig at my battered soul, and I cover my face with shaky hands as the tears fall, my shoulders shuddering with each agonizing sob that breaks free.
The girls surround me, wrapping me in their embrace and holding me tight. My knees weaken and my body shakes, but I stay standing as my friends offer me their love and support.
“Oh, Hope,” Sophie murmurs.
“I’m not ready,” I sob.
“You take all the time you need, hon. Nobody’s saying you have to do anything about anything right now,” Lucy reminds me.
Savannah pulls away slightly. “And while you’re waiting to be ready, don’t feel guilty if you dream about another man. It’s only a dream. No harm done.”
A knock against the glass door breaks our moment, and we separate. I dip my face to the floor and head to the bathroom to wash my face and reapply my makeup, doing the best I can with red, puffy eyes.
I park the car, and Evan climbs out. “Have a good practice session and make sure you listen to Coach Mathers.”
“I will.” He slams the door and heads toward the field where the rest of his team is gathered.
I climb out of the car and sit on the hood so I can watch, and while my eyes are on Evan, my mind is still stuck on Ben. All day, it’s been a struggle to keep my thoughts away from the man. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt any sort of attraction to anyone that the all-consuming thoughts are foreign and unsettling.
The girls helped me realize something Shane’s been trying to tell me for a while now—that it’s okay to move on. Wyatt’s not coming back. I twist my wedding ring around my finger as my heart wrenches, and my stomach twists with the thought, but it’s true, and it’s time I accept that. I don’t think I’ll be ready anytime soon, but at least I’m not dismissing the idea completely—like I’ve done in the past.
That’s progress, right? At this point, I’ll take anything.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a car pull into the parking lot, and when I turn to get a better look, my breath catches. I snap my head back around toward Evan and lick my parched lips. It doesn’t mean it’s him just because a patrol car pulled into the parking lot, but it’s not a regular patrol car. It’s like the one I saw parked in Ben’s driveway.
My heart explodes into an erratic rhythm, and my stomach flip-flops. The crunch of tires over gravel in the space next to my car makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, and when I hear the door open and close, I do everything in my power to maintain a steady breath. Footsteps crunch closer, and my heart pounds a wonky rhythm in time with each step.
Oh, god. It’s him. I recognize his aftershave as it wafts around me and fortify myself, hoping he can’t tell I had a dirty dream about him last night when he looks at me.
“Hey, Hope. I was driving by and noticed the kids playing soccer. Thought I’d stop on the off-chance one of them was Evan.” He beams like he’s won the lottery.
I can’t help but smile too. “Hey.” I point to the field directly in front of us. “You found him.”
He rests his hands on his duty belt, making the muscles in his forearms tense beneath his intricate tattoos, and I grip the edge of the hood with white-knuckle force to keep my balance.
The first time we met, he was wearing his uniform, but I was so stunned by the entire episode that I didn’t appreciate how fine he looks in his dark blue shirt and pants. When my eyes finally make it back to his face, I’m greeted with a slight smirk. Heat rushes up my neck and into my cheeks as embarrassment washes over me.
“Yeah, it seems I did.” He moves closer and leans his ass against the hood of my car, folding his arms across his broad chest. Slowly, he peels his eyes away from me and turns to watch Evan. “He’s quick on his feet.”
I tear my gaze away from his profile to see Evan sprinting down the sideline with the ball close to his feet, and a genuine grin spreads across my face. “We practiced a lot to increase his speed. He went from being one of the slowest kids on his team to being the fastest.”
I see Ben nod in my periphery. “You’re a great mom.”
My shoulders tense. He keeps saying those words, and I wonder what I’ve done to give him that idea. Most of the time I feel as though I’m failing Evan. I haven’t given him the emotional support he’s needed since losing Wyatt, so my instinct is to deny his compliment, but I don’t want Ben to think poorly of me.
“It can’t be easy raising him alone.” How does he always seem to understand?
I close my eyes briefly to stem the sting of tears. I’ve already had an emotional day, and I don’t want to have another breakdown in front of Ben. His gaze sears the side of my face, and when I’m certain I have my emotions under control, I open my eyes and turn toward him. “Thanks.”
Studying my face, he simply nods, as though he knows how difficult it is for me to accept his compliment. We both turn back to watch Evan, and I do my best to ignore my reaction to having Ben this close. It’s like my body remembers exactly what he did to me, even though it was only a dream.
It takes a mammoth effort to concentrate on the kids on the field and ignore the ache that’s growing stronger by the second. A gentle breeze blows across the field, and I push my curls away from my face with a trembling hand.
I glance at Ben’s cruiser, wondering where Rex is. “Have you finished for the day?”
He shakes his head and turns to me. “Nah, just on a break.” He glances down at his watch. “Actually, I should get going.” He raps his knuckles on the hood as he glances back at the field. “Will I see you next Saturday?”
I chuckle as I grip the edge of the hood and lean forward. “I don’t think anything would keep Evan away. He loves spending time with the dogs so much.”
He grins. “That’s good to hear, but will I see you there?”
His gaze is intense as he observes me closely, like he’s trying to solve a puzzle, and my mind freezes for a moment, then I nod. “Well, I’ll need to drop him off and pick him up.”
Rocking back on his heels, a slow smile spreads. “You can come in, too. I know how much you enjoyed playing with the puppies.”
“Oh, I thought it was a kid-only type thing.”
“Well, it’s supposed to be”—he lifts and drops a shoulder carelessly—“but I can make an exception for you.”
My pulse skyrockets, pounding in my ears at an almost deafening level. “You’re too kind, but I don’t want to intrude on your program. I see how much it’s helped Evan, and I’d hate to get in the way.”
“You’d never be in the way, Hope.” He winks at me, sending a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. “Anyway, say hi to Ev for me.”
“I will. Bye, Ben.” I raise my hand and wiggle my fingers in goodbye.
“Bye.” He climbs into his cruiser and pulls out of the parking lot.
My shoulders roll inward, and feeling light-headed, I draw in a much-needed breath. Thank goodness he’s gone.