31. Meredith
Chapter Thirty-One
MEREDITH
“It was never easy, between us.”
I frown. “That’s not how I remember it.”
He snorts. “Of course, it was easy for you. What do you think it was like for me, Meredith? Sneaking around, lying to Grayson, lying to your parents, my aunt...”
“I lied, too.”
“Sure, but you knew your family would always back you up. What would happen if I got in trouble? I might have been kicked out of my aunt’s?—”
“She would have never done that.”
He grits his teeth. “You’re probably right. Aunt Beatrice probably never would have cut me out. Hell, she knew about you even back then, listened to my lies and let me get away with them.”
He shakes his head. “But what you don’t—no, can’t—understand, is that I had no one. Beatrice didn’t have influence or money to help me. Your father did. He took me in like I was his own, and what did I do? I started sleeping with his daughter. With my best friend’s baby sister. You don’t get it. You’re never going to get it.”
I grab his shoulder, turning him to face me. “Then explain it to me, Logan.”
“I was nobody, Meredith. Don’t you get that? I’m still nobody.”
“Logan…”
“Exactly. You know who you are. You’re Meredith Whitlock, daughter of the Whitlocks, and you’ve had everything handed to you your whole life.”
I open my mouth to protest and then close it, huffing a breath through my nostrils. “Maybe. I guess you’re right.”
“I didn’t have that. My mother was dead. My father was in and out of prison. All I had was my room at Aunt Beatrice’s and... well, you and Grayson.”
“But you would have had me forever, Logan. You have to know that.”
“How could I know that, huh? You have everything, Meredith. You always had. I wanted you, but I didn’t want everyone to think...”
“To think what?”
“To think that I was in it for the money. To think I was in it because I got something out of it. I was with you because I was crazy about you, Meredith. I… I still am.”
“Sure have a funny way of showing it, leaving the way you did. So, what are you telling me? You were poor, so you had to break my heart?”
He sighs. “It’s not just because I’m poor, Meredith. It’s because I was a nobody .”
“We never saw you as a nobody.”
He snorts. “Your brother asked your mother once why it was okay that you and I could go on walks, but he couldn’t take out Rebecca Shaw. Your mother said it was because I was a nobody, and Rebecca Shaw’s father owned an oil rig.”
“She didn’t.” But I believe it, and I think he knows I do. I know my mother well enough that it isn’t that big of a shock to hear she said that.
“It wasn’t the first time she said something like that, but it's the one I remember most. And then suddenly, when we were older, she started keeping us apart. Getting upset when we’d be out past your curfew, things like that. She didn’t want us together, Meredith.”
“She didn’t know we were together. It’s different.”
“Can you look me in the eye and tell me you think your mother would have accepted me? Us?”
I try, but then look away, biting my lower lip. “I guess you’re right.”
“That’s the thing, Meredith. I’ve never been enough for you. I never will be. I’ll never come from money or have a backup. There’s only me. I’ve only ever been able to rely on me.”
“And me! You could always rely on me. You just didn’t know it.” My voice breaks.
I realize I'm crying again, and I want to punch myself in the face. I’m so tired of crying, of appearing weak, of all of this.
“You always had me, Logan.”
“Nothing’s changed, princess.” He gives me a sad half-smile that makes my heart ache. “You’re still the princess, and I’m just the tattered boy looking at the castle from afar, knowing he’ll never amount to anything. Or worse, the troll under the bridge.”
I scoff. “You don’t look much like a troll.”
Then I’m laughing, and I can’t seem to stop.
Logan laughs too, hugging me with one arm.
“So, when you broke up with me, it was like, some kind of self-sacrifice?”
Logan looks at me for a long moment, looking tired. “I guess so. I wanted you to go to college, grow up to be the amazing, successful woman I knew you could become if you weren’t stuck with a nobody like me.”
He shrugs. “I know your parents liked me, but just as the poor boy they could feel good about helping. They never made me feel bad to my face, but your mother’s words cut deep.”
“But you could’ve grown with me.”
“No, princess. I needed you to move on and focus on yourself. Focus on being who you were always meant to be. At the time, I knew I was just a mistake away from ending up in a cell next to my dad.”
“You didn’t believe in us.” And somehow, that’s worse than if he’d fallen in love with someone else, worse than if he had fallen out of love with me.
But Logan cups my face, stares into my eyes. “I never for once doubted you were it for me, princess. I always believed in you, in our love. But I had to show your parents and the world that I was worthy of you.”
“And now? Do you still feel that way? That you are unworthy of me? Or maybe now I’m unworthy of you…”
“Never. What we had was something that marked me for life.”
“Do you think we still have that? Whatever it was?”
He smiles. “Lightning in a bottle?”
I nod. I’ve never heard it described better. “Something like that.”
“Do I think we still have it? Meredith, I almost made you come without even touching you the other day. And you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with.”
I flush. “Well, just because you want my body?—”
“I want all of you. Body, soul, heart. All of it.”
“Logan—”
He crushes his mouth to mine, and I can’t speak.
His hands deftly unbutton my blouse, letting my breasts free.
I’ve taken to not wearing a bra because my breasts are so tender.
He cups them immediately, taking my right nipple into his mouth, and I arch my back, clutching at his shirt and ripping buttons off to get us skin to skin.
When my breasts are pressed against his chest, and I’ve crawled into his lap in just my skirt, I feel better, closer to him with his erection pressing up against my core.
I need more.
“What do you want, princess?”
Oh, God, have I said it out loud? But it doesn’t matter anymore.
“I want you. I want you inside me. Always.”
“That’s not feasible, princess.” He chuckles.
I reach between us and grope him through his slacks, and he pants, his mouth open as he thrusts into my hand.
“I don’t care. It’s what I want. Ever since I met you again...”
My fingers move to his buttons, and he groans, helping me unbutton his slacks and free his erection.
“You can’t stop thinking about me?”
“Never.”
“Me either.” His pupils are blown as he looks up at me, throwing his head back when I kiss his throat. “I haven’t gotten you off my mind in months. Ever, if I’m being honest.”
“And you’ve really never been with anyone else?” The idea takes hold of me, and suddenly I’m on fire, burning all over.
I bunch my skirt around my hips and shove my panties to the side, guiding him into me before he answers.
“No.” His voice is raspy and throaty and sexy. “Never. Couldn’t stop comparing them to you.”
“I heard you spent time in California. You’re saying you were celibate? Even in Hollywood? Around all those actresses?”
“Even then.” He smirks against my mouth when I kiss him. “Why, were you jealous, princess?”
“Crazy-jealous.” I kiss him again roughly, biting his bottom lip.
He chuckles. “I guess we have that in common.”
“I only dated one guy after you.”
He narrows his eyes. “What’s his name?”
I bark out a laugh. “Riley. And that’s all you get.”
“No last name? Last known address? Social security number?”
I smile, rocking my hips as he grunts and thrusts up beneath me.
“Don't need you hunting anyone down. It didn’t go anywhere, and we never went all the way either.”
“Thank God for that, at least.” He grips onto my hips with bruising ferocity, rolling his hips up into me as I bounce on top of him.
I’m panting, getting close to my peak and when I start to tremble and pulse around him, Logan cries out and puts me onto my back, pistoning in and out of me like he’s been holding back.
“Logan.” I come apart again. “Logan, Logan.”
When he spills inside of me, it feels like I’m whole again after months, years of being empty. And it scares the shit out of me.
I breathe slowly out of my nostrils to come down, but Logan’s like an octopus, all arms and legs around me, and I don’t feel safe anymore.
I feel claustrophobic and angry because all this time, he’s been making choices for me.
My mother. My father. Grayson. Now Logan.
Everyone’s always been making choices for me, and all I’ve ever wanted was to make my own choices.
I wait until Logan drifts off to sleep and then hurry to get up and get dressed, leaving quietly with my shoes in my hand.
I call Dina, who has become my best friend. I need someone who knows the whole situation.
When she answers, all I can do is hiccup a sob into the phone.
“Where are you?”
“Are you home?” I manage, sniffling and calling a car service.
“I am.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
She opens the door and immediately drags me into her arms as I close my eyes against the tears burning in them. A couple slide down my face.
I wonder if someone can get dehydrated from crying so much. These hormones are out of control.
“What happened?”
I groan, wiping my eyes after pulling away, and I plop down on her couch, exhausted.
“Logan’s never been with anyone but me.”
She stares at me. “What?”
“Yeah. He admitted that it's only ever been me, and he compares every other woman to me.”
She keeps staring. “And this is why you’re crying?”
I sigh. “It’s not just that, but Dina, think about it. If he doesn’t want anyone else, then why did he leave?”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“That’s the worst part. He said he did it because he wasn’t good enough for me. Because my family called him a nobody, because of Grayson.... He made the decision for me. Just like my parents and my brother have been doing my whole life.”
She frowns, nodding and slowly sitting down across from me on the recliner. “I guess that makes sense. But in a way, isn’t it good he doesn’t want anyone else?”
“Of course, but… I’m just… God, I’m so angry , Dina.”
She reaches over to pat my knee. “It’s okay to be angry.”
“Is it? He thought he was doing the right thing. Allowing me to be free of someone who could drag me down, in his eyes.”
“Does he want to be together now?”
“We didn’t really get that far. One thing led to another and then I just had to get out of there.”
She checks her watch. “It’s only ten, you must have really done a number on him.”
I laugh softly. “I mean, maybe. We’ve kind of been all over each other since the pregnancy.”
She grins, her eyes sparkling. “Well, that’s a good thing. Some guys aren’t attracted to pregnant women.”
“I think it’s only making him more attracted to me.” I rub a hand across my face. “I really need a hot bath, do you mind?”
“Of course.” She gets up quickly and grabs a bath bomb and a towel and washcloth for me, as well as some fresh clothes–yoga pants that will feel comfy even if I’m not showing yet and a large T-shirt.
I give her a smile. “This is perfect, thank you.”
She hugs me tightly before patting my butt and pushing me into the bathroom. “You’ve been a good friend ever since we met. You deserve it.”
I turn on the water as hot as I can stand it and undress, sliding inside and feeling all the aches from the lovemaking as I slip under the water.
I have bruises on my hips and thighs and even my lips feel slightly bruised. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s hard to ignore.
God, it’s like I miss him already.
I have no idea what I’m going to do.