Chapter 18
18
L awson’s knee bounced up and down as he sat in the hospital waiting room. It was hard enough to wait until visitors were allowed, but then there were always multiple family members waiting to visit too.
Of course, he should let them go first. They weren’t the ones staring their dad in the face and complaining about being unseen in the group of brothers when he had a heart attack.
Would Dad even want to see him? Lawson had been in the room a few times, but so far he had always been asleep. What would he say when Dad could actually hear him?
He looked up and found Mom standing in front of him. “Hey, how is he?”
Mom gave a faint smile. “He seems to be doing a little better. But he’s very tired.
Lawson nodded. “Do you think it would be better if I waited to see him another time?”
“No, he asked for you. He may not be able to talk long, but he wants to see you.”
Lawson’s heart pounded. Now that the moment was here, how was he going to face his dad? Maybe if he had never brought up what he was thinking, his dad would be fine. How horrible must it have been to hear that one of your sons doesn’t want to do the work that he’s been taught to do his entire life? Lawson stood and gave his mom a quick hug. She reminded him of the room number, and he slowly but steadily moved in that direction.
When he reached the room, he leaned forward and peered in the doorway. He almost hoped his dad was asleep. If he could sit in his room and watch him breathe for a little while, maybe it would calm him down. He would know that his dad was okay and maybe later they could have this conversation. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw his dad’s eyes were closed. But as soon as he stepped in the room, his eyes fluttered open. Lawson quickly moved to the chair beside the bed and took his dad’s hand.
“Hey, Dad.” His dad looked at him and gave a faint smile.
“Lawson, son. I’m glad you’re here.” Dad’s voice was weak, but clear.
“Dad, we don’t have to talk now. It’s okay. I’m sorry for upsetting you. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m not going anywhere.”
His dad swallowed and seemed to summon all his strength. “I wanted to see you. I want you to know this didn’t have anything to do with you. This problem was in my heart before today.”
Lawson took a deep breath and pressed his fingers against his temples, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I’m so glad you’re alright.”
“Lawson, you took care of me. I could’ve been out there in the barn by myself, or riding my horse somewhere, or anything. But I wasn’t. I was there with you, and your quick reaction helped get me to the hospital to get the help that I needed.”
“But Dad, how could this happen? You’re one of the hardest working people I know. You eat well and you stay in shape. You do so much for other people. How could God let this happen to you?” Even as he said the words, he knew he shouldn’t be burdening his dad with this questioning right now. But the words tumbled from his mouth out of the deepest part of him. His parents loved God. If anyone should be protected by Him, it should be them. So why didn’t He keep this from happening?
Dad closed his eyes and slowly reopened them. Lawson could tell he was getting tired and knew that he should let him rest. He opened his mouth, but Lawson shushed him. “No, Dad, you don’t have to answer. I know what you would say anyway. I’m glad that I was there, and I’m glad you’re alright. We’re gonna make sure that you get the best medical care, and don’t worry, we’ll take care of Mom and the ranch.”
“I’m not worried, not even a little bit. I know you boys will handle everything.”
Lawson stepped closer to the bed and put his hand on his dad's shoulder. “Get some rest, Dad. We’ll be here.”
Lawson took a seat and watched as his dad closed his eyes and quickly drifted off to sleep. He watched his chest rise and fall for several minutes. Seeing him breathe and knowing that his dad was still alive in the world was a great comfort.
He hated to admit that for a few fleeting moments, he wondered if it really might be his dad’s last moments on earth. He held his head in his lap on the floor of the barn, panicked at the thought that it might’ve been their last conversation. What if he had lost his dad after that? Lawson shook his head. He couldn’t bear the thought any longer. What were his brothers going to say to him when they found out? They hadn’t heard the conversation in the barn, but they knew he had left the house angry. Did they blame him for what happened? It was bad enough that he blamed himself, but how could he face his family if they blamed him too?
He let his face fall into his hands as he thought. His parents would use this moment to pray. And in the past, maybe Lawson would have too. Now he had too many questions, too many thoughts. God had already let his dad have a heart attack. He had let Harper lose everything in the storm, and her brother much too soon. Why would He listen to Lawson’s prayer now?
After several moments in silence, Lawson stood. No, the only thing to do was to take care of business. He would make sure his mom was taken care of, and that his brothers knew he wasn’t going anywhere. He would help take care of the ranch, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to do. It was what needed to be done now. He would make sure that his dad got better and everything at the ranch went on as usual. And he would be here with his dad to make sure the doctors gave him what he needed. That was the only way.
Lawson walked out of the room determined to be the one who handled it and not to let anything fall through the cracks.