14. Catherine
Chapter fourteen
Catherine
Sunday is the only day that Lynn sleeps in.
“It’s a day of rest for a reason,” she would always tell me growing up. “Some days it’s important to give yourself no responsibilities.”
I tiptoe from her room, enjoying the peaceful stillness of the early morning.
My version of rest isn’t lying in bed. It’s to get up and enjoy activities that I don’t have time for during the week.
Somehow, George’s plan to let Donny take our picture has worked.
The media is off my back and the vast majority of people agree that I’m not Crimson’s mysterious woman. They’re leaving me alone.
I don’t even care if Crimson and June make their relationship public now. They can do what they like.
Everything has gotten better these last few days, and that’s all that matters. I’m more rested and at peace than I’ve been for a while.
I make a cup of coffee in a travel mug, then grab my notebook. The tide is high right now, and, with the sun not having quite woken up, everything is in shades of pink.
It’s the perfect morning to sit on the beach and ponder the beauty of life.
A floorboard creaks and I turn.
Katherina, her expression guilty, stands at the base of the stairs. Her eyes grow wide, and she chews her lip.
“Did I wake you up?” she asks.
Her anxiety is clear.
“No. I always wake up at this time. I hope I didn’t wake you up,” I add.
Katherina shakes her head. “I’m an early bird. I always try to be quiet so I don’t wake up Mom, but I’m not used to this house yet.”
My heart breaks a little for her. Teenagers should be loud and boisterous. Is Katherina just naturally timid or…
Or is it because of our mother?
“You don’t have to worry about that here,” I tell her. “Grandma sleeps like a log and I prefer to be up early.”
Katherina nods. “Where were you going?”
“For a walk on the beach.” I study my half-sister. She knows that I don’t want her here in Sandburrow, and I know how much that can hurt.
I take a deep breath.
“Want to come with me?” I offer. It means I won’t have my solitude, but it’s a way to make it up to her.
After all, I know how much it hurts to be unwanted. I don’t want to inflict that same pain on anyone else, even if I can’t change my feelings.
Katherine’s eyes light up. “Really?”
“Of course. Just get some water to bring with you,” I say.
This elicits a chuckle from myself. I sound like Grandma!
Katherine grabs her things, and we head out along the beach.
It’s an awkward silence between us. I try to put myself in her shoes. If I was spending the first time with my big sister alone, what would I want to talk about?
“Er, how’s school going?” I ask.
That’s a lame question.
Nobody likes to talk about school.
But it’s the only thing I can think of.
“I’m not in school. It’s summer break,” she says.
“How’s school when you are in school?”
“Fine.” Katherina kicks off her shoes and wades into the ocean.
There’s got to be more that I can talk to her about. “Any boys you like?”
“No.”
“Any girls?”
Katherina shakes her head. “I’m not into all that dating nonsense.”
I chuckle at the way she phrased it. “Fair enough. Some people are late bloomers. Or never even get interested in it.”
“How old were you when you started to get interested?” she asks, peeking at me out of the corner of her eye.
I look straight ahead, heat rushing to my cheeks. “High school.”
“Can you be more specific?”
“Nope. That’s privileged information.” I’m blushing. Why am I blushing? “The point is, we are all individuals. Just so long as when—or if—you start getting interested, you know how to keep yourself safe.”
Katherina’s eyes widen. “Uh, we’re not talking about that.”
“Not without talking to Grandma first.”
“Mom already told me about it,” she adds quickly.
I nod, leaving it there. Though, if June’s talk with Katherina was anything like the attempts she made to talk to me about it, Katherina needs a lot more.
Right now, I’m more than happy to leave the conversation.
“Oh, so you know I have an interview coming up,” I say, remembering. “I’ll take it in my room, but I’ll need to not be interrupted… but I’ll let you know when that’s happening, so you know when not to interrupt me.”
I really suck at this whole big sister thing.
To my surprise, Katherina’s shoulders slump. “Oh.”
“Oh?” I press.
“Congratulations,” she says quickly.
I study her, then stop our stroll. “You look disappointed.”
Katherina shrugs her shoulder. “Mom said I could stay here as long as you are. But that she expects me to come home when you’re not here to help Grandma look after me.”
Ahhh. Yes, that will do it.
“I won’t be starting it for a while, even if I get it,” I assure her.
Katherina nods, though she doesn’t seem so certain. I put my coffee down and slip off my own shoes.
The ocean water is cold, lapping against my calves. The deep purple of the sky has lightened to pink, sunlight reflecting off clouds and water.
It really is beautiful here.
“What does George think about your job? Where are you going to live?” Katherina asks.
I shrug lightly. “We haven’t discussed it yet. George knows I’m interviewing. We’ll decide what to do after we know if I have the job or not.”
Unbidden, an image comes to my mind. The old house that George just bought, fixed up and perfect against the beach.
Me, sitting on the front porch, drinking lemonade.
George sitting next to me, whittling.
And our children playing in the yard.
There are three of them in my imagination. They’re chasing each other and our dog. A medium-sized dog, one that will thrive in our open space.
The image is striking. It makes my heart warm and takes my breath away.
I’ve never thought of myself as the type to settle down. Oh, I’ve long wanted to marry and have kids, but it always seemed like something I couldn’t have in my career.
I like this possibility. Even though there was a time when Sandburrow felt like a cage, now it feels more like freedom.
There are reasons for me to stay.
Grandma for one.
As much as I don’t like the thought of her getting old, the fact is she’s not as young as she once was.
She’s kept me busy while I’m here. And even though she tries to brush it off, I can tell she’s more tired than she used to be.
It would be a good thing for me to stay here and help her out.
I could stay volunteering at the museum, too. I don’t want all the work I’ve done to be for naught. Managing the social media accounts is something that needs to be done consistently.
The biggest problem in all of this is the fact that I don’t have a job.
And, if I’m being honest, I can’t imagine finding a job. A paying job that is.
In a town Sandburrow’s size, there really aren’t a lot of job opportunities. Maybe if I get something that I can do remote work with. Or I could strike out on my own and become freelance.
Another thought occurs to me.
I glance at the ring. If I was George’s wife, I wouldn’t need a paying job. He’s rich enough that we can live off his income. My savings can go into a retirement fund.
Oh, I would need something to fill my time. The museum. I can take my volunteering to full-time, rather than hunting for a job.
I can’t see myself being happy as a homemaker. It’s just not my personality type, unlike someone like Grandma.
If I’m honest, I’m afraid I’m not enough of a homemaker. I know I’ll love my children, but I’m worried that if I don’t want to stay home with them, I’ll just become my mother…
“Are you okay?” Katherina asks me, her gaze concerned. “That was a heavy sigh.”
“I was just thinking.” I shake my head. “Sometimes even what looks like what you want the most is riddled with doubts.”
Katherina’s eyes widen. “Are you going to break things off with George?”
“No,” I quickly say. “Of course not. I was just thinking about kids. George and I want to have kids someday.”
“But?” Katherina twists her hands.
“I’m not sure I’ll be a good mother.” I shake my head. “But it’s not for you to worry about. Being sixteen is hard enough without listening to your sister drone on about things that haven’t happened yet.”
Katherina is quiet but she smiles.
As we continue walking, I carefully discard the whole idea. If I were to stay in Sandburrow, it would not be as George’s wife.
Even if I might be able to benefit the community, even if I might be able to keep busy and have a wonderful life…
I vowed long ago I would never be reliant on another person.
People have a tendency to let you down.
Grandma is the only person I’ve ever been able to rely on. I’m not going to give up my autonomy for another person. Even if that person is as kind and generous as George.
It’s just not in the cards for me.
Besides, our engagement is fake.
It won’t be long before we go our separate ways.
George wouldn’t take it kindly if I told him I suddenly wanted him to support me.
I can just imagine how I’d say it. George, you know how we’re only pretending to be engaged? Well, I’ve decided we’re getting married and I’m going to be your stay-at-home wife. Except I won’t even stay at home.
Nope. That’s not going to happen.
“We should get back to the house,” I say to Katherina. “We both need some breakfast anyway.”
Katherina nods. “Alright. But if you ask me, you’d make a good mom.”
She’s only saying that to be nice.
She doesn’t know me. Not any more than I know her.
It’s nice but nice is all it is.
If the job is offered to me, I’m taking it. I’ll leave Sandburrow. Maybe I’ll find a way to convince Grandma to move with me so I can look after her.
Or maybe hire a local to do it, so Grandma doesn’t have to leave her home.
With any luck, I’ll have the flexibility that sometimes I can work remotely. Then I can visit more often as Grandma gets older.
But Sandburrow isn’t my home.
I can’t stay here.
It’s just not in the cards for me.