13. Casey
Chapter Thirteen
CASEY
“Callie was a year older than me. Before she died, I knew something was wrong. She started dating this guy and the next thing I knew she was being really squirrely. She ended up breaking up with that guy. Even though I wasn’t hearing from her as often as I usually did, I hoped for the best. I couldn’t expect her to report back to me all the time. When I went to visit her one weekend, I found out she was dating Nathaniel. Nathaniel’s parents are really close to ours. We grew up together. To be honest, I never trusted him, he always came off as selfish to me. He’s been a part of our family life for years. We did holidays together, dinners, and so on.” I circled my hand in the air. “I started getting really worried about Callie. She played soccer in college and injured her knee pretty badly. That’s when she got hooked on pain meds. When the doctor stopped prescribing them, she found them in other places. The weekend before she died, she told me about that. She was embarrassed and said she wanted to get help, but she made me promise not to tell our parents.” My words came out in a flat tone. I kept the pain of my grief locked up so tight, I felt compressed inside whenever I tried to talk about it.
I took a slow breath. “It was too late. I didn’t know that Nathaniel and another guy were her dealers. They were giving her stronger and stronger stuff. The more addicted somebody is, the more money they spend.” I hadn’t realized tears were rolling down my cheeks until our therapist gently nudged a box of tissues closer to me on the coffee table. Leo was holding my hand, and his thumb brushed in a soothing stroke across the back of it.
“The hospital said it was an accidental overdose. They said Callie could’ve been saved if she’d had emergency medical treatment sooner, and they asked me if I knew where she got her drugs. I know, and I’m pretty sure if I do anything about it it’ll tear my family apart.”
I hadn’t walked into this office today intending to dump the whole story about my sister, but I felt safe with Leo. When Delaney asked me something, everything started to spill out. This was the first time I’d outlined the whole story to anyone. Up to this point, I’d collected the details and kept them tucked away in my own thoughts. The few times I’d spoken of the events, I’d kept the details vague.
I took another breath, letting it out in a deep sigh that felt like it came from the bottom of my feet. Delaney’s gaze was kind. “I’m so sorry,” she said softly. “I realize those words often feel inadequate, but sometimes all we can do is bear witness. Your pain and your loss are real.”
Leo’s voice was gruff when he said, “I’m sorry.”
Every so often, I wondered how obvious it was that Leo and I were telling our stories to each other for the first time. And yet, we were being honest. It was a testament to our therapist’s skills that she had created this space of safety, even though it had started out not-so-honestly for us. Maybe she sensed that, but I found it didn’t really matter to me anymore.
Delaney glanced between Leo and me, adding, “You’ve both experienced a loss due to accidental overdoses. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you those are shockingly common these days.”
“Oh, I’ve looked up the stats,” Leo offered. “It’s devastating.”
Delaney nodded before bringing her attention back to me. I clung to Leo’s hand like a lifeline. You would’ve had to pry my grip free from his at this point. His strong presence was calming and soothing.
“You’re not asking me, but I imagine you’re wondering what you should do about what you know,” she prompted.
My heart ached with every beat whenever I thought about what happened to Callie. “I don’t know how to prove Nathaniel’s involvement. I don’t even know if it’s worth trying.”
“I tend to think secrets out themselves. Eventually,” Leo offered, his tone low and clear. “I mean, obviously the details are completely different, but it’s like my daughter. I wish it had happened differently, but I’m pretty confident I eventually would’ve found out about Dora one way or another. With the Internet, it’s really hard for secrets to stay secret.”
I savored the feel of his thumb idly tracing over the back of my hand. Our therapist was quiet for a beat before she offered, “When I do family therapy, I always tell families if they have any secrets, they’d better be prepared to discover that what they think is a secret isn’t actually. It’s not so much that people know all the details. But when people care about each other, they know when something is being hidden on some level. If that makes any sense. Separate from legal consequences for Nathaniel, you might want to think about how to talk with your parents. If they found out another way, their sense of devastation may run deeper because they will have unintentionally taken part in caring about someone whose actions contributed to Callie’s death.”
Once again, I didn’t realize tears were splashing onto my cheeks until Leo leaned over and fetched the entire box of tissues before handing me a fistful of them.
That was the kicker. My parents were close to someone who made Callie’s addiction worse. I knew eventually I would need to tell them the whole story. I just didn’t know how to go about doing that.
“My concern for you is this will weigh on you until you let them know everything,” Delaney said.
“I know. That’s why it’s so hard. I need to figure out how to tell them.”
Leo squeezed my hand. I looked up into his eyes before turning back to Delaney. “Thank you,” I said softly.
Her brows hitched up in question.
“For listening, for making space so that I could talk about all of that,” I added.
She looked between us. “Like I told you back when we first met, not every therapist is for everybody, but I’m glad you feel comfortable with me. If that’s all I manage to do, I consider that a success.”
I took a shaky breath and dabbed at my eyes. I knew our time was almost up. Rather than waiting for her to figure out how to gracefully exit this conversation, I piped up, “Don’t worry about putting me back together. This isn’t a new story. It’s been a relief just to talk about it.”
She nodded. “You have each other. It’s obvious you’re both supportive of each other. I would just remind you, as I do in every session, when something painful comes up, be gentle with yourself.”
We scheduled our next appointment. When Delaney was entering it into her calendar, I glanced over at Leo. It was no more than a few seconds, but when my gaze snagged his, the moment felt intensely emotional.