Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
NAT
Rory’s words had been spinning in my head from the moment Asher, the kids, and I had left my parents’ house. I’d gone inside in search of Owen, not advice, but I’d managed to snag both. After I had laughed off Rory’s assumption that there was something between me and Asher, Rory had told me I was being an idiot. Par for the course with my eldest sister, really, but there’d been something in the way she’d said the words that had me paying attention.
Throughout Rory’s blustering and barbs, it had all boiled down to the fact that Asher and I had been able to fool everyone in town, as well as my parents, with this marriage because it hadn’t been all that fake.
It certainly hadn’t felt fake. Not when he kissed me each night, slid into my body, and moaned my name. Not when I woke up with him at my back, his breaths on my neck, and his sleep-gruff voice in my ear. Marriage hadn’t been at all like I’d thought it would be. Feared it would be, honestly. Marriage with him had been kind of perfect.
But things were now upside down and backward, and I didn’t know right from left or up from down. Didn’t know what everyone else saw when they looked at the two of us. I just knew that, somehow, after twenty years, I’d fallen in love with my best friend. And that was probably something I should tell him.
He sat on the couch, head bowed as he strummed his guitar, humming along to whatever tune was currently floating in his mind.
“That’s pretty. You have lyrics yet?” I sank into the spot on the couch I’d commandeered as my own, wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my chin on my knees.
He glanced at me and offered a small smile. “Some, but it’s not finished.”
I hummed and tucked my cold toes beneath his thigh, wiggling them as if that would warm them up faster. “You seemed a little distracted tonight. You all right?”
“Yeah, never better.” He set the guitar down and ran a hand through his hair. “Everything worked out exactly how we planned.”
“Can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but Seville made the right choice. The Haywards weren’t too happy, though—did they even try to set something up to see June or Owen while they’re here?”
“Nope. Don’t expect they will either.”
And those assholes had just about taken June and Owen from us— him .
“Well, if my daddy can come around, maybe they can, too. Never thought I’d see the day he spoke up for me.”
Asher relaxed back into the couch, resting his head on the cushion. “That was definitely not the curve ball I was expectin’ today.”
“’Course, he did make a comment when we were leavin’ about settin’ up an appointment at town hall for me to find a—and I quote—‘real job.’” I rolled my eyes. “Guess he’d hit the quota for bein’ a decent human being in a single day.”
“I wanted to talk to you about that, actually, now that this is all done.”
I couldn’t have asked for a better opening, so I straightened and reached for his hand, running my fingers over the callused tips of his. “Good, me too. You first.”
“I—” He cleared his throat and shot me a look out of the corner of his eyes. Was that hesitancy there? “I can’t thank you enough for everything you did for me…for us.”
I poked his thigh with my toe. “You’ve gotta stop thankin’ me for something I said yes to, Ash. I mean it.”
“I just want you to know how much I appreciate it, and I love you for doin’ it.”
Yeah, I loved him, too, but not for some arbitrary reason. I loved him without fail or exception. Loved him unconditionally, through all the good and bad. Through all the ups and downs and every path life had taken him on. Loved him like I’d never loved anyone else.
“I love you for askin’ me and not Nash.”
He cracked a grin. “Somehow, I think that would’ve been harder to pull off, what since he’s livin’ with your sister and all.”
“I was probably a better choice, that’s true.”
“You were definitely the better choice. But now that it’s over, we should probably get our stories straight.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, though my heart had already started sinking, the pit in my stomach opening wider, threatening to swallow me whole.
“You’ve already done so much, so I’ll follow your lead on whatever you think is best to tell everyone now that you’re free to go.”
My fingers stilled in his as I stared at him for a beat, and everything inside me stilled right along with them.
I had never known heartbreak. I’d made very certain that I’d never had to. Had kept myself at a distance from any romantic partner I’d ever been involved with. But I’d never kept myself at a distance from Nash and certainly not ever from Asher. How was I supposed to know it’d be my ultimate downfall?
I blinked away the hurt, hoping he hadn’t seen it. “Right. Of course.”
He linked our hands and squeezed. “You just tell me how you wanna spin this, and we’ll do it.”
I ducked my head and pulled my hand from his, swallowing down the hurt. The pain. The illusions I was under that somehow this farce had turned into something else. Something real.
I never should’ve listened to Rory. I’d spent days psyching myself up for a clean break, and then my brat of a sister had to go and fill my head with possibilities. Possibilities of a life with this man and these kids in a town I wasn’t sure I’d ever love, but I’d love those three enough to compensate for everything else.
“I, um… I was thinkin’ maybe we keep everything quiet for a bit,” I said. “Just so June and Owen don’t have any more upheaval. I’ve got that shoot comin’ up anyway, so we’ll just say I had to leave for that.”
“Right. That’s good. So, we’ll just sit tight for a bit, and then at some point, we can figure out divorce, I guess.”
Divorce .
God, if I didn’t get out of this room right now, I was going to burst into tears, and there’d be no hiding that from him. No amount of fake, plastered-on smiles would do anything to mask the pain.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever you think.”
It hurt to meet his gaze, but I couldn’t look away, every second we’d spent together in the past month flipping through my mind. So that was it, then. And now the two of us had to go back to being just friends.
But how was I going to be satisfied with chaste touches now that I’d felt his hands caress my body? How would I handle seeing him kiss another woman when I knew exactly what those lips felt like against mine?
“Your turn now,” he said, pulling me out of my thoughts. “What were you gonna tell me?”
“What? Oh, just, um, that I actually need to leave early for that shoot.” I pulled my toes out from under his leg and extricated my fingers from his, hoping he couldn’t hear the shake in my voice or see the sheen in my eyes. “They pushed up the date, so I should probably go get packed.”
“They did? When do you leave?”
“Super-early flight tomorrow mornin’,” I said, walking backward to the bedroom we’d shared. “I already texted Nash, and he’s gonna give me a ride. So I’ll just stay over there tonight.”
I barely made it into the bedroom before the tears started falling. I closed myself inside and sank back against the door, pressing the heels of my hands to my eyes.
Every other time I’d come to Havenbrook, I’d done so with my eyes already on the departure date. This had been the only trip in all the years since I’d been away when I dreaded the thought of getting on a plane that’d take me away from here. Away from him . Away from June and Owen and the cobbled-together life we’d been living and loving even in the face of unimaginable grief.
I wished I’d known I’d already experienced all the lasts with Asher. The last night I’d fallen asleep in his arms. The last morning I’d woken up, my limbs tangled in his. Our last kiss, the last time he was inside me, the last time he’d groaned my name.
Though that was usually the trouble with lasts—you didn’t know they were all you’d have until they were already gone.