24. Frederick
24
FREDERICK
T he silence from Rochelle breaks my heart.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this kind of emptiness inside of me, the kind that sits deep and seeps down into your bones. Her words still echo inside my head, even days after she’d stopped responding to my calls and texts with one final message. I’m sorry, but we’re done.
It hurts.
A part of me gets it, honestly. Why would she want to add more to her plate than she already has by being involved with my family? After all, they were hard on her and, while nice to her face, weren’t all that welcoming to begin with.
Plus, if they ever heard of her going to jail, I’m sure my mom alone would lose it and tell me that I can’t be ‘associated with a criminal.’ I get why it all scared Rochelle off.
But it’s all such horseshit in my opinion.
A few days after I bailed Rochelle out of jail and she broke things off with me, I receive a letter in the mail with no return address and with familiar handwriting on the front of it. My heart sinks when I flip it over to peel the envelope open. A check in the amount of the bail I paid sits in between two pieces of folded-up privacy paper with no other note attached.
Rochelle’s curly handwriting sits on the signature line, taunting me.
I really fucking hate this.
I end up tossing the check onto my desk and burying it under mounds of paperwork so I don’t have to look at it. I’m never going to cash it, which I’m sure she knows, but just the gesture alone is a knife into my chest.
It’s the final ‘we’re done’ nail in my otherwise bleak coffin.
By the time my thoughts start to clear again from the fog that the check had put me in, I realize that I’ve somehow gotten into my car and started making my way to my mom’s house. Why? I have no idea, but the second I park and get out of the car, my anger starts to boil inside me.
I’m so mad.
Maybe if her and my uncle had treated her with more respect, or been more accepting, then none of this would have happened. Rochelle wouldn’t’ve felt so out of her depth. She wouldn’t feel like just an outsider who can’t belong in my world. Maybe we’d still have a real shot at all of this if it wasn’t for them.
I don’t bother knocking when I get up to the front door, letting myself in with my spare key.
I can hear my mother and uncle chatting deeper into the house, the sound of some game show on the television in one of the sitting rooms faintly greeting me. The second I swing the heavy door shut behind me, the talking ceases.
My uncle soon appears from down the hall which leads into the kitchen.
“Frederick? What are you doing here?”
My hands fist at my side instantly at seeing him. “I want you to know something. You and Mom.”
He gives me a curious look, and my mom soon appears over his shoulder at the sound of my voice. “Hello, darling. This is an unexpected surprise. Did you not bring Rochelle with you this time?”
I want to laugh, but not because I find it funny. I can’t even believe she’d bring Rochelle up like that. As if both she and my uncle somehow accepted us as a couple and were disappointed to see she hadn’t tagged along.
Seriously, what horseshit!
“Like you care,” I snap at her.
Theron regards me with a deep frown while my mom speaks again. “We told you she was welcome to come with you when you visit.”
“Why? You’ll never accept her!” I explode.
Both of them jolt back in surprise.
“Neither of you were giving her any kind of real chance! All you did was make nice to her face and then the second she left the room, you started talking bad about her!”
Theron crosses his arms over his chest. “Well, we’re just concerned about your –”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I grit out through clenched teeth.
“Frederick,” my mother tries again. “Please, why don’t we all sit and talk things out?”
“I’m done talking to both of you. I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that because of you both, Rochelle no longer feels like she can be accepted into this family.” Confusion crosses their faces.
“She heard you, by the way, what you were saying about her. She pretended that she didn’t when she was here but later told me everything in the car on our way home.”
My mother’s eyes widen in surprise.
This is the first time I bet she’s ever been caught being catty. Usually, her M.O. is talking behind people’s backs and pretending to be nice to their face.
Not letting her get away with it, I continue. “Rochelle was too cordial to tell you that she’d heard everything because she’s a good person and didn’t want to upset any of us. She was more concerned about your feelings than you ever were about hers.”
Despite exchanging guilty looks, my mother isn’t willing to let it go. “Like your uncle said, we’re just trying to look out for you.”
I shake my head. “All you’ve done is create a divide between us all.”
My uncle comes closer to us. “You can’t honestly think that some girl is going to come between family, Frederick. That’s just nonsense.”
Oh, if only they knew…
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few days,” I say. “And you know the conclusion that I came up with?”
Both of them are silent as they look at me.
“I think that I need space.”
“Space?” my mother repeats. “What does that mean?”
“I’m no longer interested in coming over for holidays or our weekly dinners. I’m no longer going to be reaching out unless there is some kind of emergency.”
My mom balks. “What? Why!”
“Because I’m not going to be surrounded by people who can’t see past their own silver spoon. I know that I was born into this life and all of the glitz and glamor that comes with it, but I’ve had enough. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to defend the people I choose to have in my life.”
“That’s not what we’re asking you to do.” My uncle defends.
“It’s exactly what you’re asking me to do.” I snap right back. “The entire time Rochelle was here, she could barely get two words in without you both having some kind of reaction to it. I get that she’s not a damn doctor or socialite but I care about her!”
“We’re sorry, Frederick.” My mom’s hands come up to grab at the front of my jacket to pull me away from the door. “Please, let’s just talk about this. We all have our faults.”
I pull away from her. “No. I’m not talking about this anymore. I’ve tried talking to both of you, and you guys just wave me off and tell me you’re looking out for me. If you actually cared about my happiness, you would celebrate with me. You’re so busy trying to prove no one is good enough for me. If you gave Rochelle a chance, you’d know the question is whether I’m good enough for her. ”
Without any kind of warning, I feel a pain prickling in my chest. I actually didn’t know how much this would affect me, cutting out my mom and uncle like this, but it has to be done for them to take me seriously.
My heart feels heavy from all of the grief I’ve been feeling the last couple of days since Rochelle broke things off, and now it’s all just coming to the surface without me being able to stop it.
“I loved her,” I manage to choke out.
Admitting it to myself feels both freeing and like a knife to the gut. I want Rochelle, but I can’t have her. Not anymore, and that’s the worst part about all of this.
“Frederick,” my mom tries again.
I don’t want any kind of affection right now. I’m mad and I’m heartbroken that the person I most want in this world doesn’t want me back.
All because of my stupid family.
Stepping back towards the door again, I let out a hollow laugh. “You know, this all started out as a ruse. To get you two off my back.”
“What do you mean?” Theron asks.
I don’t bother trying to explain my motives or what happened between my proposing to Rochelle and her calling it all off. They don’t need to know any more than I need to rehash it all to them and harm myself in the process.
Instead, I just shake my head and grab the door handle. “I really did love her.”
My voice cracks again as I say the words.
“Frederick –”
I swing the door open before my mom can beckon me to stay again. It swings shut tightly behind me when I pull it back. By the time I get into my car and peel out of the driveway, I feel my heart already breaking in two and wonder if it will ever be the same again.