Chapter 4
Chapter
Four
Christmas at Gideon and Beth’s was becoming a family tradition. One that Kenny usually enjoyed, even though it could get somewhat overwhelming at times with so many people crowded into the tiny house.
She’d come alone and sensed her family’s concern, even though they didn’t probe.
Yet.
Beth and Gideon’s closest friends were in attendance and her family would respect Kenny’s privacy until there were only Hawthornes present. Which, quite frankly, made Kenny eager to get out of there before everybody else.
She wasn’t ready to answer their questions. Not when she wasn’t sure of the answers. She hadn’t seen or heard from Smith since he’d walked out a week ago. Her calls went straight to voice mail and her texts were left on read.
She knew where he was, of course. Tina’s personal and business Instagram accounts were full of pictures of her twins being doted on by their uncle Smith. He looked so happy and relaxed in those images. So unlike the strained and tense man he’d become the last few months with Kenny.
A heavy arm dropped around her shoulders and she was pulled against Gideon’s chest for an affectionate hug.
“You look sad, Kenny,” he breathed into her ear, his voice gruff with concern. “What has that fucker done to you?”
“Nothing,” she replied, not even pretending to misunderstand. “He’s just spending this holiday with his family is all. He missed the twins’ first Christmas and wanted to be there for this one. And you all should stop criticizing him. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s a good man.”
Smith had only ever wanted what was best for her. She hadn’t really appreciated that fact or believed in him until it was too late.
“He’s making you miserable,” Gideon told her, his voice going cold and Kenny stepped out of his hold to look into his angry and concerned gaze.
“Honestly, Gideon? I’ve been making myself miserable, and Smith too. And I don’t really know how to…”
Her brow furrowed as she found herself unable to finish that sentence.
How to what?
Make him love me?
Fix my marriage?
Be happy?
All of those and more applied.
Her and Smith’s problems seemed irreconcilable. And Kenny wasn’t sure why she still felt the need to fight for them when, essentially, their marriage had amounted to nothing real and nothing substantial.
The one thing she could salvage from the wreckage of her marriage was her pride and then move on with dignity.
And perhaps that process began with admitting to those who loved her that she was not okay.
That she hadn’t been okay for a long time.
That her marriage was over and her husband had left her.
She didn’t have to feel like a failure because of it. She was human and nobody here judged her.
She stared up into Gideon’s concerned eyes and then swept a glance around the overcrowded living room. Everybody was laughing, talking over each other, having a wonderful time. She couldn’t tell them now. It would be unfair to throw such a damper on the festivities.
“Don’t really know how to what, Kenny?” Gideon prompted gently, the affectionate warmth in his gaze nearly undoing her resolve of just a moment ago.
Not now, she reminded herself sternly. At least not while Gideon and Beth’s friends were present. This was too personal, too raw to confess in front of people who were strangers to her.
She forced a smile and shook her head.
“Sorry, I lost my train of thought,” she said, ending with a wholly unconvincing chuckle.
“Ke—”
“Gideon.” Beth joined them, looking slightly frazzled. “We’re out of milk. I can’t make the béchamel without milk. And no cauliflower gratin without béchamel.”
“I can pop out to the sto—”
“No time,” Beth sounded a little panicked. Which was unusual for her. The woman was one of the most capable people Kenny knew. “Everything’s done. The white sauce is the last component.”
“Auntie Naz?” Gideon asked, his voice exuding calm, which seemed to ease Beth’s frayed nerves.
“Please,” Beth all but begged.
“I’m on it,” he promised.
“Thank you.” Beth wound her arms around Gideon’s waist and gave him a brief, fierce hug and he planted a loving kiss on her flushed cheek.
“We’ll continue this discussion later, okay?” he promised Kenny over the top of Beth’s head. “Right now I have to borrow some milk from the neighbor or Christmas will be ruined.”
“Hardly ruined,” Beth corrected, her usual confidence creeping back into her voice. “It will still be an epic lunch, even without the béchamel.”
“How could it be anything else, when you cooked it, Lizzy-Bit?” Gideon’s voice held a wry, teasing note.
“Damned straight,” Beth agreed and gave him a little shove toward the front door and then a cheeky spank on his butt. “But it’ll be perfection with that sauce. Now please go and find me some milk.”
He gave his wife a cocky salute.
“What would you do without me, Lizzy?” he asked as he exited the house and Beth shook her head with an adoring little smile, before suddenly remembering Kenny’s presence.
“I’m so sorry, Kenny,” the woman apologized. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation. It looked serious.”
“Oh no, it wasn’t. I was merely telling Gideon that Smith is spending Christmas with his sister.”
“Of course,” Beth said with a warm smile. “Tina must be thrilled to have him there. I know she was a little gutted that he missed the twins’ first Christmas last year.”
Kenny stared at Beth in consternation.
“You know Tina?”
Beth gave her an equally confused look in return. “Yes, of course. We met at your engagement party. And then at your wedding.”
Right.
“I didn’t realize you kept in contact with her.” The words sounded cold. Stilted. And Kenny winced inwardly, wishing she didn’t sound like she had a massive stick up her arse. But she didn’t always know how to relate to Beth. Or Tina, for that matter.
“We exchange occasional texts,” Beth said, and her soft gray eyes had a wariness in them that hadn’t been there before. As though she was navigating a verbal minefield. “That’s okay with you, right?”
A bit too late to ask now, isn’t it? Kenny thought snarkily. Then immediately felt mean and small.
“Oh my goodness, of course it’s fine.” She strove for casual but still managed to sound insincere. “I just didn’t know that you’d exchanged contact details and become friends.”
“Friends is stretching it a bit. We’ve only met those two times,” Beth said, still looking and sounding guarded. “But I like her. She’s lovely.”
“Yes. She is.”
Of course her sisters-in-law had hit it off. Of course they’d befriended each other. While Kenny could barely have anything resembling a pleasant conversation with either woman. Once again she felt isolated and terribly lonely.
Beth hovered for a moment, looking like she longed to be just about anywhere else right now.
“Are you okay? Do you need anything? More wine?”
Kenny’s eyes dropped to her nearly full glass of cabernet and she shook her head.
She hated how Beth often treated her with such stilted formality.
The woman was warm and friendly to everyone else and happily bossed the Hawthorne men around with familiarity and affection, treating them like family.
Around Kenny she just seemed uncomfortable and awkward.
Fern, who’d been a part of the family for all of two minutes, had been handed a glass of juice earlier with a breezy wave of the hand and told, “You know where everything is, make yourself at home and just top up whenever.”
“I’m fine, thank you,” Kenny muttered, feeling as uncomfortable as the other woman looked. “Don’t worry about me.”
Beth hovered for a moment, before nodding.
“I just have to…th-the roast?”
“Oh, of course,” Kenny waved toward the kitchen, happy to relieve them both of the burden of this awkward encounter. “Please don’t let me keep you. I wanted to have a quick chat with my father anyway.”
Nothing could be further from the truth. The old man would drill her about Smith’s whereabouts a lot more ruthlessly than Gideon had and would not be satisfied with any of the mediocre and unconvincing responses she’d given her brother.
Beth’s eyes flared with relief and she smiled.
“Okay, that’s good, I’ll just go check on the—um—the, y’know?”
Kenny knew her sister-in-law had a stutter, but she rarely heard it enter the woman’s speech around the others. When Beth spoke with her, it was always there, in hesitations, repetitions, and stumbles. And not for the first time she wondered if Beth was nervous around her.
Also not for the first time, she wondered why that was. And found herself quite helpless to find a solution to the problem. If, indeed, there was one.
Beth gave her another hesitant smile before turning away and fleeing the short distance to the open-plan kitchen, stranding Kenny in the middle of the crowd of laughing, happy people.
She took a fortifying gulp from her glass and turned toward the patio, hoping to find it a little quieter.
It was a bit better out there. Her father was seated at the large wooden table where they would all soon be seated for lunch, having what seemed like an intense conversation with Cade.
Knowing them, it would probably be work related.
A few other people were slouching on the comfortable outdoor furniture, involved in a lively debate about what sounded like a reality television show.
Not sure where to sit, Kenny’s gaze fell on the shaded bench beneath a newly renovated pergola.
She bypassed the koi pond in the middle of the small paved courtyard that Gideon had lovingly restored for Beth and happily sank down onto the seat.
It was a relief to be alone and she didn’t care if it made her seem antisocial.
She was close enough to the crowd on the patio to still participate in any of the conversations swirling about—albeit with a slightly raised voice—but far enough from everyone else to not have to speak if she didn’t want to.